Merry Christmas

White Christmas's are the ultimate dream, and most people in southern California never expect it to become a reality.

It snowed last night. The trees are dripping with whiteness and it is a Winter Wonderland at our house.

Build-up of Christmas

I have enjoyed so much of this past month. It's Christmas season, which means that I have had the joy of putting up the tree, decorating it, black Friday deals (and really Target has great deals just about everyday this month) decorating the house, talking to my mom and deciding on presents for my family, baking, decorating more, Christmas movies, and HALLMARK Christmas movies.

This is one of my favorite times of the year, but by the time that I get to December 20th, I am a little over it all. There is so much build-up which I love, but the actual event always seems to be a little bit of a let-down.

Be good with conflict

I am terrible with conflict, I am the  best at just getting mad at people, or sweeping it under the rug or adjusting my expectations so I don't have to deal with issues at hand.

My boss is amazing with conflict. Unreal in how amazing he is at conflict. Whenever I get mad at him, or am just mad in general, or having a rough day, he just knows, I can barely ever get my negative emotions past him (even when I try really really hard to)

Qualifying for the job

Applying for jobs is a "what-if" game, and it makes you oh so vulnerable. The last time that I played this game was this fall and as I went into the adventure, I felt really unsure, but it looked so great. So, as I moved forward, I became a top contender and was offered the job.  Then I turned it down.

I have never turned down a good job in my life. I don't even know if I have ever turned down a job. And the experience was something that I keeps coming up to my mind. 

I keep going into the land of "what-if" and keep thinking about, "who was in second place, who got the job?"

Not Everything Will be What I Think it Will Be.

About a week ago, I opened up a facebook notification that Skip was engaged to the girl he has been dating. In the past, this was my biggest fear, but in the moment, it didn't faze me. I felt prepared for it, I thought it would have happened long before it did. I already gave up on that thought and moved on. 

It did surprise me, how well I took it, I was taken back by my own emotions. It made me question if I was numb to God. I kinda felt like I still didn't know what to do, but I really didn't take time to think about, it was just a passing thought. 

Put into practice

"The wise man built his house upon the rock, the wise man build his house upon the rock, the wise man built his house, the rains can down and the floods came up, the rains can down and the floods came up the rains came down and the floods came up

We all know this song if we grew up by sunday school teachers. (though I did have to look up come of the words) and I walk away thinking, well dah! We need to have a good foundation, thats how we are wise, by how we build ourselves on.

I always see this as a judging song. Build your home on a good foundation like me. Don't be a fool and build on the beach where the tide will destroy your little hut.

But today, while listening to a podcast, I realized, "I'm the fool who built his house on the sand."

When there's smoke there's fire

It was a typical Saturday evening. My roommate and I were sitting on the couch watching Bones. We got an email. Forest Fire Spotted, in a nearby the valley. 911 has been called.

What?!  I I throw some flip flops on and go outside to see if I can see this fire. I'm a little worried, but it can't be that big of a deal. One of our maintenance guys is at the end of my driveway, I walk over to him. He is  frantically attaching fire hoses.

This may be a bigger deal than I realize. Some people walk by, I learn I can see the fire if I go up near the dumpsters. My roommate and I venture out there.

Poached Eggs, and the pan's okay!

Last night at Trader Joe's, I got pumpkin bagels, to go with the pumpkin cream cheese. I work up excited for my epic fall breakfast and I decided that poached eggs would be the best to go on top of them.

It's been almost a year since I have made poached eggs. If you remember last December my eggs got stuck in the pan--my poached eggs. http://sailinginthewaves.blogspot.com/2015/12/my-eggs-are-stuck-inside-pan.html I did get new pans and I love them, but I haven't made poached eggs since that day. But today I felt the need to be a little brave and make my eggs again.

my political rant :)

Right now there are so many mixed emotions about our next president. People are angry, hurt. The electral college should be abolished. Overall, people aren't feeling good about this.

But I am not surprised. I think that both candidate were far from ideal. And thought that both were terrible choices from the start.

I have been so curious how Donald Trump is going to do. I am so curious if he is going to change now that the election is over. What will his presidential personality be like? When I think back 2-3 years ago about Donald Trump, the image I had in my head is so different than what was formed in the last few months. What will he be like now that he isn't playing the candidate game?

Seeing the HOW Bad, not just the not good

If you ask me, "are you a Christian?" I would quickly say "yes" in response. I work at a Christian camp; I understand the message of salvation, I know how to pray, I can answer Bible questions, I have had amazing encounters with the Trinity over the years.

If I was asked, "how are you modeling your life after Christ for the past 6 months?" I don't know what I would say.
I keep like I have continued to learn about God, I feel like I have seen him all around me. I can easily pray if you ask me to pray, but following him or modeling my life after him? I have been faking it. And been faking it so well that I think I have deceived even myself.

Burned-out Wednesday

"Burn-out-- I am burned-out." Was the thought that replayed in my head over and over again as I sat in Staff devo today. It wasn't really a devo, it was a lecture about how we as a staff suck. Really, it was about how we fail at customer service, it's about how we put ourselves first instead of everyone else. That we need to give more serve more. We need to be pumping our time with God, be in the word--- that being far from God is making us selfish and suck as a staff.

There were so many true things in this talk, but I didn't want to listen. I feel like I am being pulled to be so many different things right now that I am over hearing it.

Dreams, and reality--move with courage

I think I have been losing this past month. Losing the core of my identity. It has been a hard time for me. But I go through A LOT of hard times. No big change has been made, I explored big changes, but I am where I am. 

I think I am losing more and more of me. I feel like I am just going through the motions and trying my best to not let anyone know that I am losing it (including myself) but as I sit here today, I think it is very true. 

I knew I wanted to write today, I just didn't want to write the same thing that I have written a hundred times. (something that I struggle with since I feel like I have been stuck in a hard place for such a long time now) so I went back and read, went back to all the times I have written before. 

Maybe someday

I made the decision to not move forward with the midwest job and have had so many mixed feelings about that decision. I overall don't think it was a good fit for me. But I have had many many days in the last 3 weeks where I have thought, "why am I still here" "this is so hard, why did I say no to that job?"

Because things have been really really hard. My job is so tough this past few weeks. I feel like I am playing catch-up and there will never be a hope of being to a point where I feel caught up. I may have to move at camp, to a really terrible house. I don't want to move at all. My house/home life was one of the big reasons I made my decision to stay.

Got the feeling #midwestjobinterview

"I just don't think this is right" is the thought I have had all afternoon. Everyone has been so nice to me. There hasn't been any giant red flag. The place is nice, its in a great spot in town, it's close to family, but I had this tinge of doubt all day (and before about it)

Today, I went on  a tour of possible houses that I would live in, one was okay (kinda bad, but not the worst) the second was AMAZING!!!!! AMAZING!!!! I was only 1 bedroom, super cute, had a private back yard, right at camp, but oh so slightly off camp. (and painted a different color so it didn't look like a camp house)

Quiet before the Interview #midwestjobinterview

I think in about an hour I have my official interview. This morning I spent time running (which by the way, I stink at when I go by myself, I was at 8 minutes and decided it was time to walk)

This place is beautiful! There are so many people near us, there are these awesome hiking trails within 1/2 mile of camp plus a state park plus this camp is on a Lake. I am realizing how much it is a family camp. And I really really think that is amazing! I met Amber, she is a wife of a worker here, and is a stay-at-home mom. She came to lunch and I was able to hang-out with her this afternoon. She gave me a tour. And I got to see into all of their cabins.
These cabins are AWESOME!!!! They are old, with the really cool wood floors. They have no insulation, so every wall just is wood with all of the studs showing. Most of them have cute mini kitchens.
There are some normal houses in the midst of camp houses, and overalll the space is really small, but every inch of it is cool.

Getting Settled #midwestjobinterview

I made it to camp. My connecting flight was great. I watched half of "The Intern" preparing myself for the week.

I flew into a small airport. An airport that was surrounded by farmland, I'm pretty sure that there aren't any sky scapers around, there were only really really old people on my flight. I went outside to get picked-up by 2 people I didn't know, that made me a little nervous that I was getting picked up by people I didn't know.

They pulled up in their minivan; I met Gabby and Travis. Gabby currently has the job that I am applying for; I learned a lot about them on our car ride. I really like them. They gave me some pretty good insight of things at camp. They are both leaving on good terms here and have plans to volunteer every summer for the next couple of years.

Heading out #midwestjobinterview

Packing up for a trip and heading out changes me a little bit. It isn't hard for me to do, but doing it makes me feel a little braver. It makes me feel like I can do anything because I am able to get through security with by bag, enter in a megaplex, find my flight and be in a different part of the world. Many things can happen in this process. Missed flights, snowstorms, delays, can't get through security etc. But it is something that I love to tackle. 

Today I am flying to the Midwest for a job interview. Whew, And I'm at a point where I don't know if I want this job, I don't know if I want to start over my life, I don't know if I want to move. 

Hurricane Head

Timing:

My hurricane's timing is so interesting to me. There are a lot of things happening and when they happen they seem significant.

The day that I got a response to have an interview happened while right after I had a major melt-down. I saw the email at the start of a conversation change how I do my job. After crying for 2 hours. Things are fast. But as I got off the phone with the director who wanted invited me to come out to see their camp, I remembered that at this exact time--3:00 pm on the Friday before Labor day, I got the same call with a job offer and plane ticket to come see the camp I currently work at.

About this time last year I went on a spontaneous trip to the midwest as well, only planning it a few days before I departed. This year, my manager has a brother that will be in town the same time that I am out of town. We are flying in and out on the same day---not planned at all (but made it very very easy to get a ride to the airport :))

Eye of the Hurricane

My head and life feels like 1 big giant hurricane. Everything is moving fast. Everything feels uncertain everything is coming at me at once, and I don't know how to process it at all or pretend to act normal when everything is crazy but oh so few people know about it.

I interviewed, did an assessment and am flying out to the camp I interviewed at this Wednesday. Less than a week ago I was convinced that I was such a low candidate for the job they didn't even bother to let me know.

Everything is moving so fast and I am in a constant stage of freaking out.

Hard days and setting up interviews

Last Friday, everything felt like it blew up in my face, but I was going to deal with it calmly and rationally. I faked that emotion the whole weekend, I kinda fell apart yesterday and today was the day of ALL melt-downs. Mascara running mess is what I became.

I was sitting at my desk frozen, eyes filled with water about to burst at the seams, I text my friend and ask if I can sit at her house and have a melt-down. and Boy did I have a melt-down.

Sadly, my friend is also my bosses wife, and she MADE me tell her husband all that was going on, which he was pissed to listen to. I was a mess, embarrassed that I was a mess and really wanted everything in the world to go away. Wishing that I was all set to leave this place and start my new job in the mid-west which I never heard back from.

Protect me from what is not you Lord.

Lord,

Knowing you can be scary.

You have all the power, you make all the rules, you are in complete control, and you welcome me to know you personally.
That is a lot of power and it is scary to know someone in that position.

But God, you care about me. You know me, you want a relationship with me. You want me to trust and believe in you.

I want that. I want to have this amazing relationship with you. I want your Holy Spirit to be more transparent in me than me.

Who am I going to be? #getoveryourselfbecky

What do I want to be?

Do I want to be this person who is stuck on living in a world of "what if" Do I want to be this person who doesn't like where her life is and spends her days depressed, avoiding relaity and sitting on the couch and watching tv?

Is that what I want for myself? Because that is who I have become.

OR

Do I want to be a person who pursues God and a relationship with Him no matter what the specs of my life look like?

Do I want to be a person who isn't afraid to stand up and grow in my relationship with the Lord even when I don't know what the result will mean for me.

Feeling Stuck

I am now 30 years old; I haven't heard a peep about that job in the Midwest (its been over two weeks) and I feel stuck.

I had a melt-down on Friday, I am tired of having plans fall through and retreats not going as people planned. I am tired of not having everything put together always, and I am tired of having a manager that doesn't help me when I am so desperately needing help, but expecting me to have it all put together.

I don't know how I function. I don't know how other people do this. I don't think I am very good at living how my life is set-up right now and I feel like I am in so deep here that I don't know how to go back.

Coach? 22 year-old? Any guy? #singlelife #letschangethatstatus

Saturday night I had a quick but great encounter with a coach from one of our retreat school. He was really nice and really good looking (best smile ever) AND he didn't have any rings on his left hand. As we talked in the office, it became really clear that this coach respected both his parents and grandparents, loved to travel and have adventures. He was fairly new at this school and told me of his past jobs, and I was trying to add up the years to see if he was in the right age frame for me.

I spent an embarrassing amount of time yesterday googling this guy, trying to answer two simple questions, "How old is he, and is he single" I saw his school profile, Instagram, twitter, facebook, linkedn, and random news articles to find the answer to these questions. In all my searching, I have concluded that he is 35 and single (at least the last time he posted a picture of him and a girl was in 2013, and she was celebrating 18 months with a new guy last week on her Instagram)

Tired of Limbo Land

I haven't heard anything about the job, which I think is a very bad sign. I have mostly given up hope on it, but haven't been told, "becky, your out"

I am pretty sure that nothing is going to happen, but it makes me struggle to move forward. I signed up for a 5k that's in a month, part of me questions if I will be able to participate. I wondered if I should have gotten that 12 pack of Toliet paper, or if I should have only gotten the 4 pack for the next few weeks.

Back and Forth, Up and Down

A lot has happened, but I haven't wanted to deal with it. So I have been online shopping. Watching TV, cleaning, anything from keeping me from the place of being real with things that are going on around me. 

I got a message back about that job close to my family. It sounded amazing; I filled out the application. I felt sick to my stomach because I knew that I needed to tell my boss that I was applying for a job before I submitted the application. I avoided it and avoided it and avoided it. After chickening out at the perfect moment and running out of time, I asked if I could meet with him tomorrow. 

I ended up driving my boss on a golf cart only 20 minutes after asking to meet with him. He asked me what we were meeting about, and if we could do it right now, I sheepishly replied, "I'm not ready" He then said, "are you leaving camp?" ---well---there's no avoiding it now. So as we drive through the middle of camp on the golf cart  talking about me leaving (thankfully no one was around and that our golf cart was loud, so we weren't overheard) 

Camp tours

One of my favorite things about my job is camp tours. I love when a person or a small group of people come up to camp together to see if this is the place for their next camp.

Typically my tours are with married pastors that are men and 20 years older than me.

My last two tours though were with an attractive single guy about my age. Both of the tours really felt more like a blind date than key task to my job.

Waiting for an email

I saw a job posting last week at a camp that caught my eye. It is close to family (like my sister's house is only 1.5 hours away) in the mid-west, on a beautiful lake.

I promised my boss that I wouldn't apply for another job without talking to him about it first. So, I didn't apply--instead I emailed the director a list of logistical questions about the role and what it would look like to work for this camp.

Come along side of me.

Skip is saying "I love you :)" to another girl on facebook. I feared their relationship, and obvious that it is more serious than I want to admit that it is.

Where does this leave me?

I am struggling with this. I don't know what I think. I want to move on, I want to be married to have a guy to do life with me. I have a crush on that guy I did that camp tour with a few weeks ago, do I need to pursue that?

How does this affect my relationship with God?

Being at Home (parent's house)

I have been at my parent's house for 24 hours now. Getting back from the most amazing weekend with my cousins to being with my parents. It is comfortable with them, but I am not the same person with them as I am with anyone else in my life. Today I assisted them on the construction project that they were wrapping up. Which meant I stood around a lot, not sure how to help, annoyed that they are putting me to work when I asked them to be on vacation with me this week.

I am so glad to be home; I am thinking about making this place my home again once again. (not move back in with my parents, but finding a job, community, life, in a city within a few hours of here)

I forget that being in a small town and surrounded by family, everyone is in everyone's business. I forget that my dad is obsessed with politics and talking bad about how the world is going so poorly. I forget that my parents closely resemble horders and the amount of stuff in their lives makes me want to gag a little bit, and of their stuff, a lot of it isn't useful, and it just sits in piles waiting to be used, I just want to throw it all away.

I love sitting at my family's table. I love that we use cloth napkins and that they are always on the wrong side with all 3 utensils on it. I love that my mom wants to spend time with me and will do acts of service left and right for me to feel at home. I love how safe I feel around my parents. How any problem isn't too big when they are around and that they have my back. They may be mad at me, but they will take care of me, no matter what.

I may be different here; it is a whole different world than what I live now day to day, but I love it. I kinda want to come back more than I realized. I wish I had a career aspiration here; I would need to work and make money if I move and settle back to the homeland.

weekend with cousins

Last August I went from barely knowing my cousin to falling in deep love with her and her family when they came out to California to visit me. I knew that I had to come home for a family event (with the other side of my family) and wanted so badly to make sure that I saw my cousin and her kids/husband this year.

I just got back from a great weekend with them! It was amazing! There is something special about this family! I joined them on their weekend ritual to go camping in their camper on up the lake. We packed our weekend with sunny fishing, s'mores, playing in the lake, campfires, filleting fish, 4:30 am walleye fishing, tubing, bocce ball, iPad games, it was all a blast. Everything that this family does is fun, and they are so intentional about doing real and great things together.

They are the type of people you always want to surround yourself around.

Here we go! Flying Home

(I wrote this a few days ago--lost my wi-fi at the airport, and just found it in my drafts)

This past few weeks have been a whirlwind. I got back from Seattle, got caught up as much as I could at work, and now sitting at the airport to fly home to see my family for a 11 day vacation. In the midst of this, my boss was out-of town and his parents were at camp taking care of his kids, they came back, we did a big 4th of July bash and a friend came out of town to bring her daughters to camp. Lots of people, lots of good time together, but I am so glad to be leaving. I am done with camp right now. I feel like I am mad at everyone, and everyone is mad at me and everyone else they encounter. Really, everyone is just mad and frustrated with each other and I am just glad that I get to escape that madness for (almost) 2 weeks. Here is to vacation and family fun!

One Of The Good Ones

About 2 weeks ago, some guy called and set-up a tour for a large group in December. "Large group in December" perks any camps ears because filling your calendar in December is a HARD task.

I made sure that I was at camp today to give the tour. It was for a large Christian non-profit group, I didn't even research or look up anything on this group. My tour came about 30 minutes early. I was alone in the office and on the phone cause this man to wait for 7 minutes for me. I thought he was just some person with the group when he came in.

When Marriages Stop Working

I was giving my favorite volunteer at camp a hard time last week for being in such a bad mood. After being with him for a while I quickly realized that he was a little more off than just being in a bad mood. After he left the room, I asked my boss if he knew what was going on in his life.      His wife was leaving him, and there isn't much hope for them getting back together.

My heart broke. 

Comparing life to TV

I been binge watching Grey's Anatomy this weekend. Today after the 4 episode of the morning I had a realization. The drama and the things that the characters are doing through in season 5 are a lot bigger deal than they were in season 1.

They have been hard things all the way through, but they keep getting more and more intense. Main characters are dying. The hospital is dealing with huge lawsuits and money issues; mergers are happening, and the main characters are struggling in knowing what to do.

Becoming Weaker Instead of Stronger

I don't know how people handle tough situations gracefully and unemotionally day-in and day-out. I don't know how people keep it all together and not break down and cry everytime they have to face something hard.

This week has been a struggle for me. Our group at camp this week wasn't orginized, which meant that I wasn't organized. The reason why they were a mess was valid, but they still didn't take care of things the way that they should have making me a mess.

Get Outside

This past week I have gotten up at 5:20 each morning, but on my shorts and hiking shoes and have done a quick 3-mile hike before going to work. It has been the best! I feel good in the day. I am more ready to do my job. Today, I was off and slept in. I made it all the way til 2:00 pm until I was itching for those muscles in the back of my legs to burn as I climb that steep hill. So I changed into my brand new workout clothes and went on my hike.

My time was the best of the week, (I think being awake for a few hours helped with that) and feel so alive right now. And I feel like I am allowed to eat a protein shake afterward which is a win-win (I'm pretty sure I love protein shakes more than milkshakes and they are overall really good for you-- this recipe is 1/1/2 frozen banana, protein powder mix, mega greens mix, peanut butter and almond milk)

This time out in the woods has been good for me. I first started to help  tighten up my mushy legs and to help melt a few of the many pounds I gained this past winter. But, it has been helping my soul the most. I need this hour a day to use my muscles, to be quiet, to listen to podcasts. Putting all of those things together does something inside of me that changes me in a very positive way. It brings me closer to the Lord and lets me be open with my relationship with him.

The Embarrassment of Singleness

This week is camp staff training week. It has been a whirlwind of things going on around me the last few days: welcoming up new summer staff, team building, training, chapel sessions, and devos. Trying to meet and remember what name goes with what face all while they tell me facts about themselves and catalog that in my mind. In the midst of all the fun and excitement around me. I have been struggling with my purpose, stage of life, feeling adequate.

It all started the first night of staff training. The full time was being introduced to the summer staff. My boss introduced himself and then talked about his wife and how great his two kids are. Then he introduced my manager and his sweet wife and their 5-month-year-old baby, Then single me was introduced, with no-one else, then another manager with his sweet wife and kids, and then another leadership person with his cute picture perfect wife. There was a total of 4 single people introduced; I wasn't the only one. But, being sandwiched around all these lovely families made me feel so pathetically single.

My Favorite Place In Denver

I LOVE Denver. Being away made me forget how much I love this city. I love how there are hiking trails all over the city and it truly had the best blend of nature and city an area.

I love the culture, I love the people. I love how things operate. People are active. People are friendly and things just go so well in this city.


I have a favorite place in Denver. It is here, REI. I am not really into climbing gear. But I love old brick buildings, a large coffee shop with both indoor and outdoor seating, their free parking and that it is the "trailhead" to these amazing trails along the river and the best walk to 16th street mall.

 It makes me so happy to be here. Thankfully, last weekend we got to sit in the coffee shop drinking coffee with an old friend and chat here for a few hours.

I love this place so much. I hope you have a favorite place in your city!

Always Being Right

My friend Lindsay has always been more put together, not just compared to Sarah, but most people I know. Since college, she has gotten a job where she oversee's a freshman housing at a local university.

I have become so worried about what this job is doing to her personality. She is always an authority figure over people. And it came out over and over again at our reunion. She is passionate about her job, but it is a hard job and takes up most of her time. She is in charge at her job. All of the people in her building are under her authority. Power like that effects you. In no way is Lindsay a tyrant or letting this power destroy her completely. But it has changed her.

Seeing only yourself as important #friendsreunion #lifelesson

Our friend's reunion was SO fun. We went hiking, visited a museum with all of these animals, talked, laughed, and drank A LOT of coffee. We truly were having a great time.

Saturday night we were heading out to have some fun downtown. At this point, we have spent a lot of time together, and I think Sarah became overwhelmed by everything happening in her life and lost it a few times while we were downtown- and I was annoyed by here words, they were harsh and cutting to me, not just her complaining. We survived the night with her mood, and we got back to her house. We were sitting down at her kitchen table enjoying some doughnuts that we got from sketchy voodoo doughnuts off of Colfax. She had a complete melt-down.

Getting ready to reflect #friendsreunion

Here I am sitting in the Denver airport processing #friendsreunion. It has been 6 years since Lindsay, Sarah and I have spent time together. I have seen them both throughout the years, but never have spent the weekend reunited since living in Denver.

Going to where you been from lets you see who you are now. These girls were a big part of the experience for me to become a grown-up. They were my people for that season.

Watching the Dick Van Dyke Show

I LOVE this show. Today I was thinking a lot about why I love it so much.
Outside of it being hilarious, and all these great comedy pieces of it. I love how it celebrates married and single women well.

I feel like that is a funny thing to say about a show that was made in the early 1960's, but it is so true. Sally is a single lady, and she has a pretty fabulous job, and though she is struggling with singleness, she still thrives in it.
I love watching how Rob interacts with her. He treats her like a peer, he doesn't look down on her at all for being single but protects her in an excellent way. He isn't her man, but since she is man-less, he makes sure that she is okay. He watches out for her in a cool way.

Flying Fears

A lot of people get nervous about flying. They hate that they are up in the air and that they can crash at any moment. This is not my fear. It doesn't bother me one bit to be in the sky on an airplane. 

But I do have lots of weird fears about flying. I am always nervous that I won't get to the airport in time. I am nervous that I will get in trouble at airport security and that security will take me away to that scary place security will take you. I fear having to sit next to a really fat, smelly person on the airplane. Or I fear that they will cancel my flight last minute and I won't get to go at all.

My Person

As the start of the bachelor begins this week. I am reminded of the famous line that comes each season of this show, "my person" Looking for my person. Last season Lauren B said this all the time about Ben.

Today as I sat at my desk with tears welling up in eyes yet again, feeling completely overwhelmed, I just wanted to have MY PERSON.

Mixing Business with Ministry

My job is to create a place for groups to come and retreat, to set them up for an experience where their campers can hear the gospel and experience spiritual growth in their relationship with Jesus, strengthen their friendships and have a really good fun time.

This is close to my heart. I love that my job is this. I love that I get to come alongside church leaders and help them create an experience that changes people's lives forever.

But,

There is always a but.

Summer Staff Camp Life

When I image working at camp. I still see a line of cabins with a wood walls and a front porch, an outbath close by. A historic dining hall and chapel. Everything is open air. I see summer staff who come in and know everything. They are going to change the world, and they do so that summer in the lives of their campers. These people are super heroes. They are pretty, can lifeguard, they know how to belay, they are stellar at teaching archery, make any field game amazing, and are always willing to put their arm around you in chapel.

This isn't at all how life at my camp works. We have modern buildings. They are more dorm style, each building doesn't match the next. Some are even motel style. There isn't one camp going on, instead tons and tons of little camps going on at once. Some lasting only 1 night, some up to 6. All groups with different ages, different dynamics, different focuses at this one place for their camp.

College roommate reunion planing--Next week here we come :)

About a week ago I texted my college roommate asking her if she knew this person who emailed my work account. Next week, she and another girl who we lived with are going to connect in Denver and have a few days reconnecting. We are putting a trip together quickly, and the 3 of us having been in the same place for at least 5 years.
I am so excited, nervous, a little overwhelm. I work up this morning at 6:00 am only to have an email saying that the flight price I booked changed and that I need call and verify the price change.

"Do not Worry"

It's been a long time, but this morning I decided to tackle my favorite hiking trail. I got ready by finding my hiking shoes, filling my water bottle and downloading John Mark Comer's sermon from Sunday on my iphone. 

I love listening to podcasts, but you get something more out of it when you are hiking up a steep hill, by yourself surrounded by trees dirt, and scrub bushes. 

Being taught about the Bible my whole life, there are some verses that I just want to roll my eyes to and say, "not again" because they are referred to ALL the time, and the words have lost it's meaning because of the times of being exposed to them. 

 "So do not worry, saying, 'what shall we eat?' or ' What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well, Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:31-34a NIV emphasis added is mine.

Mid-Life Crisis

"I think I am having a mid-life crisis" was the thought I had over and over this afternoon as I sat at my desk trying to get the million things on my to-do list done.  Instead of checking off the items, I kept thinking "I think I am having a mid-life crisis" googling what all goes into having a mid-life crisis and having silent tears slowly come out of my eyes.

Lake House Dream

Over a month ago I was looking at houses for sale in my home state, dreaming about what my life would look like if I didn't have to worry about money and could do whatever I could. I looked at so many lake houses for sale.

 THIS IS MY FAVORITE!!! 

I love it so much. 

It is easy to waste what you have abundant of

The clouds are coming in. I am sitting outside at my table, my spot where I feel inspired and reflective all at the same time. The place where I can feel honest, can read, and work the best. I sat here yesterday, in shorts concerned about being sunburned.

Today feels dramatically different than yesterday. It's cold! I am wearing leather boots, long sleeves, and my favorite maroon puffy vest. The wind though gentle, sounds fierce and keeps swisping the hairs on the back of my neck up. It might even rain soon.
My thoughts are everywhere. I don't know what to do with my day. I don't know what I want to write about here on my blog. I  have some big subjects that I want to tackle some cool image projects that I want to create on Canva. But not feeling motivated to start them. I don't know what to do and have just been sitting here at my spot for 40 minutes deciding how to use my time.

Why some people lie

I have been thinking a lot about lying this week. These thoughts started, when we had a part-timer staff girl Kelsey over to our house this week. I often feel like I don't get the whole truth from this girl. This is evening really made me think about honesty.

We were watching HGTV's Fixer-Upper. I started by asking, "Have you ever seen this show?" Her response was, "YEAH I LOVE IT, I WATCH IT ALL THE TIME!" She went on and on about how much she loves this show.
As we were watching, it became very clear that she knows nothing about this show. She didn't know that it took place in Waco. She didn't know who Clint was, she was so shocked that the island was a different color than the kitchen cabinets, she thought that Chip and Jojo only had 1 kid. All these indicators that she didn't know this  show at all.

Sunny Saturday Mornings

Yesterday morning I was secretly hoping someone would send me something in the mail. Getting a package that you didn't get is always the best. 

I knew it wouldn't happen; people don't send me boxes "because they are thinking of me" and I am really bad at sending things to people because "I was thinking of them."

The mail came in, and my box from target was there, more dry shampoo for me! I didn't even bother looking at the rest of the boxes. Ten minutes later on of my office mate asked if I wanted my mail, I, of course, took it and there was a box! A non-target box! I opened it, and an Ipad mini was in this box, brand-new iPod mini. With a sticky that said, "you won our drawing! Sorry it took me so long to get this to you." 

WHAT?!!?!?? 

Leadership meetings

I listen to Andy Stanley's leadership podcast about every other month. Even though I don't listen often, he is such an influential teacher that his words stick with me. He leads a weekly leadership meeting at his organization as well; he talks about these meetings often in his podcasts. He talks about how he sees these meetings as his time. How he gets to talk and teach on whatever he wants. These meetings are crucial to how his organization operates and he uses his time to create the culture of the organization.

Guessing the problem.

Do you know the leadership style where they ask you a bunch of questions so that they get you to conclude what they want you to think? They ask you, " What do you think will solve this problem?" where anything could be a right answer, but you know that that person has already answered that question and needs your answer to be the same as theirs?

I hate this! I just want you to tell me what you are thinking in these situations. I don't want to play this guessing game; I don't want you to lead me down trails to show me why the idea I have is wrong to get me to what you think is right.
I am pretty sure there are leadership classes that teach you this techquie. I think they sell it to people because you "discover what the problem is, making you have ownership over it and more willing to work at solving the problem"
This techique just pisses me off! I don't want to problem solve, if you have already done it for me and it just becomes a guessing game. I just want you to tell me what is wrong and then we can take all this time to figure out how to fix it. Coming up with tangalbe ways of moving forward on making things right instead of why things are wrong.

Are you with me on this? Does anyone else feel the same way as me?

Going to church Single

"Pathetic Lonely Girl...Everyone can see I am That Pathetic Lonely Girl."

This thought is in my head each Sunday I am brave enough to make it out to church and the service starts. I never sit my myself, always with two of my friends. My friends happen to be 10 years older than me and married to each other.  The feelings of being single take over me, as all the perfect newly married couples walk in holding hands and taking a seat. Tears start to roll out of my eyes. I feel so different and alone and it breaks my heart how much I don't fit in this situation. It breaks my heart that the seat next to me is empty and the whole church can see that I am not a catch, and no one wants to be with me.

Life options galore,am I doing this right?

I feel like the whole world is changing their traditions. When I look at the past, it seems like everyone was on the same path. Adults would work Monday-Friday 8:00-5:00 at a job typically in a downtown area. Their job was the same place that they reside; their kids would go to that public school in that town.  Church was Sunday morning and evening with a nap in the afternoon. I felt like you would job from household to household and that is basically what you would see across the board.

I feel like that isn't the case at all anymore. You can do charter school, homeschool, private school; public school almost seems rare when you put it against all of the options. Work no longer is bound to the Monday-Friday workdays, and so many people work from home, or weird hours and days. Church can start anytime on a weekend, and I even know of a few that meet on a Tuesday. Jumping to house to house today, you can have so many different ways of living.

Dinner Party

Last night we had a dinner party at our house, but we didn't intend to have one.

One of my roommate's friend, Cindy, comes to camp each spring to work for a couple of weeks. She can in yesterday, the boy who is always over at our house picked her up from the airport. Her, not knowing that my roommate is super angry at him, and me not talking to him arrange for all of us to have dinner today.

Why do I?

I feel like I am coming into a stage where I am all about growing in my knowledge of the Bible and who God is in His book, but this growing knowledge is taking a big hit on my relationship with Him.

I have become so consume in study and learning that I don't take time for prayer, to seek after Him while I am learning and growing.

Silence

Two weeks ago I was eating dinner in our camp dining hall, and I asked the boy who is always over at our house to move his elbows a little bit. This lead us to a fight. With his ending words saying to a co-worker,  "Well that's all I had to do to get her to stop talking to me" in this cutting hurtful tone.

So I decided if talking to me is so terrible for him, I would stop talking to him. It has been two weeks. And I haven't said a word to him.
TWO WHOLE WEEKS.
TWO WEEKS.

Psalms Connections

Often I feel like the Psalms are just a bunch of flowy words on a page. They don't speak to me. They almost seem meaningless.

But--that all seems to change where you feel like everything in your life is falling apart. 

He is Strong--when I am weak and a mess...

As I walked to work today, I told myself that I wasn't going to cry at all. I even put on extra mascara on as an extra security line to keep myself from crying at work today.

My day started out well, but then I got a phone call. It only takes one phone call to make everything about your emotions to fall apart. This happened to me today. One mean phone call and I was done for. I went outside and called by boss, I sat on the grass on the ball field and explained the entire situation to him. Feeling like crap as I explained everything that just happened.

Worthless Feelings

It has been quite a 48 hours for me. I have cried a lot. I have thought a lot. I had a melt-down about my job with my boss and got my job restructured. I did my job (as best as you can when you are an emotional mess) I just was on a hometown page from where I grew-up. A place that was a fairy-tale to be raised in until the mid-1990s when a new highway bypass was put in changing the entire culture of that town. Though I barely remember the good-old days, I was close enough to know it was great. I am struggling to know how to make my life that great memory for years to come.

Crying The Day Out

Tonight a girl who I just met asked me, "What did you at work today?" Simple question, but it took me back a little. I spent half of my work day crying today, like a legit 4 hours crying today, and I didn't have tissues for the first 2 hours of crying.

I started my day crying as well, I cried in the shower, I cried instead of getting ready for work; I cried as I walked to work, a whole lot of tears.

I was uberly sensitive about EVERYTHING!!!

Feeling inadequate

Tonight,  I called the fire department, letting them about a medical emergency that was happening. This would be the second time that day that response team would be on grounds tending to a medical emergency that night.
Along with our teen boy who is having a hard time breathing, I was needing to police how large a group's campfire was able to be that night, arrange for a group's late night dessert to be delivered on time, make sure everyone was following the golf cart driving rules.

#byetarget viral viewpoints

This week I have noticed that people have been upset with Target on social media with something with transgender bathrooms. I took the time tonight to see what was going on. Target has changed their policy where transgender individuals can now choose which bathroom they identify with "men" or "women" instead of the gender that they were born with. There are so many people upset about this. They do not want their children/wife sharing the same bathroom with a person of the opposite gender. The reason being that this is how people will become raped and assaulted. The hashtag #byetarget is huge. So many people are sharing that they are over target until this policy get changed.

Here is my thing, though. We do not police bathroom doors at all. There hasn't been a person who stands outside of the bathroom doors anywhere checking ID's of people ensuring that they are using the correct bathroom. At any point of any day, a person can choose to go into the other gender's bathroom. We have an honor code that men only use the men bathroom and women only use the women's bathroom. We do not enforce the rule. It is just something that everyone follows.

Living in Fear

A friend was telling me that it was common in the 1950s and 1960s for women to start their day with a valium each day to take the edge off. It was their way of dealing with the pressure of being the perfect wife, mom, homemaker and career women. It was how they kept themselves pose and under control with all the things that can make you feel crazy.

We don't start our day with valium each day anymore. We either go all natural with our emotions or take a specific anti-depression medicine, that works towards a specific issue, instead of cutting the edge off our entire day.

I'm A Mess, I Can't Do It All, I Think I Need To Quit

"I'm a mess, I can't do it all, I think I need to quit" has been in my head for days now. I haven't written about it because that is what I feel like I always write about, but these thoughts keep building upon each other. I feel like more time that goes by, the more these thoughts become true.

I mess things up big time.

I can't do things on my own; I am not a good problem solver. I don't know how to manage 16 balls in the air at once.

Marry Right

Marriage has been on my mind.

Not exactly my desire to be married or anything with me being married, but merely the subject of marriage.

I was taking to a retreat group leader who was telling me about a camp he is part of planning. It is for couples who are dating each other for the purpose of getting married and is a boot camp to see if they actually are a good match for each other and to see if they should continue to date. 50% of the couples that go through this class break up.

50%!!! 

This stat shocks me!

People Who Just Don't Feel Right...

I have been working with a retreat group that I have never felt right about.

Since we started working together, I have always felt like there very unsure about this group. I could not tell you what is wrong though.

Reflecting on a Perfect Spring Morning

Today is one of those magical days: the birds are literally chirping, I smell the lilac bush spring scent. Wild turkeys are playing in woods right behind me. In the distance, I hear the lawn mower mowing, which is a sound that always warms my heart.
Perfect days aren't rare in Southern California, but today seems like it is a little more perfect.
I have been sitting out at my small white table for about an hour now. Until a few minutes ago, I was here with no technology, just my Bible, Isaiah workbook and a pen. Day 5 each week in my workbook is a reflective day, to go over all the lessons that you have done for the last 4 days and see the big picture of it, with very little prompting from the author.

upgrading my phone

I did something out of character for me on Thursday.

I ordered the brand new iPhone on its release date.

This is very unlike me. I am shocked at myself. I am using my 4s IPhone that I got in 2012, which was also my first iPhone. Most of the time I do not have a personal computer, and until 6 months ago, I never owned a flat screen tv.

Skip is Coming Home

Skip is moving back to the United States.

Really soon. In less than a months time.

Part of me is excited. But fear has overtaken me with this news.

Today we Celebrate Easter

Holidays are just different when you are a single adult living away from your family. Today is Easter, the last place that I want to be is at church. Everyone dressed to the T's. Families are abundant and apparent with all the cute couple and family pictures being taken. Being in that setting is just one big fat reminder that I don't fit into that world.
I feel like I have offended lots of people, feel like many are worried about my faith, but I am not going to church today. Instead, I am going to stay home.

Getting Encouragement When You Really Need It.

On Monday, while I was at work, I started a very emo blog post about my worth at the workplace. I struggle a lot in what I am doing and if I should even be doing what I do. Do I qualify, do I need to quit because I am so terrible at what I do.

I had to delete my post; it was a little too emo for me. Clicking the delete button was a symbolic motion for me to throw away these negative thoughts. I needed to make myself move forward and get the things done that I could do on my own (I had a lot of decisions that I needed my manager's approval )

Writing from the heart

I believe that most bloggers read a lot of other people's blogs. It is part of the blogging world, you write for others, you read for others. That hasn't been the case for me at all. I actually, intentionally, do not read blogs very often because it taints my writing experience. I feel the need to have my blog like the other blogs and not exactly what I need it to be. I get sucked into this comparison trap.

I do have one exception though, Mandy Hale's "The Single Women" blog. I read it before I was a blogger and always felt encourage by Mandy, but never I never felt the pressure to make myself look like her. Her writing style makes me inspired by her, but in a way that I am comfortable to be completely myself still.

Feeling Good Even With Other's Good News

This weekend, I have seen a lot of people announce a big change in their life on social media. Quitting jobs, moving, getting engaged, got married, and having a baby.

Our lives are always surrounded by these things, especially if you are Facebook friends with the 20 something crowd, but this weekend seemed to have an extra amount of life change announcements.

The first two announcements that caught my eye were people moving.

Feeling Excessive With Online Shopping.

I feel like I have been a crazy online shopper, like I need to buy something every second. But also, feel discontent at myself for the desire to have things. I also want to get rid of everything and be a minimalist. I feel like I only do and use very little things in life... why do I feel this need to have more?

I think online shopping makes you more aware of where your money is going and what you are buying.

Envious love

I have been really behind in watching the Bachelor. I am watching Monday's episode right now; it is Thursday.

Jojo is coming out of the helicopter and walking towards Ben seeing if she was going to be engaged or not. She says, "I have seen other people's relationships, and I have been so envious of what they have, and now I am at a place with Ben where now other people will be envious of our love." (close paraphrase, I can never actually get a perfect quote down)

hmmm... I think this is a moment when a little too much honesty came out on the Bachelor.

Complete and Full Surrender

This past weekend we had a man show up to camp a few hours early for his check-in. He was so excited to be here.

Megan in our front office and I were talking small talk with him. I asked him how long he has been going to their church and he told me the most amazing story.

Thoughtless Questions Hurt

Not everything that we do is easy. In fact, there are a lot of really hard things.There are hard tasks that we can't take the shortcut to and need to just do it the hard way for a high-quality product.

I overheard a husband and wife argue today. She was asking him very accusing questions of why he spent so much time on a particular task at work when he could do it "this easy way." He answered over and over again with different responses, but they all said this "It needs to be a high-quality product, the shortcuts that you are giving me with make it sub par product."

I am not a fan of the asking accusing questions towards a person who is working at making things great.

The Struggles Of Always Seeking

Yesterday was my last day in #theweektoseek.

I thought it was going to end differently, as in felt like it had an ending. But it didn't. It felt like any other day.

I knew that I didn't want #theweektoseek to be a one-time thing. I want my whole life to be about seeking the Lord, but this week was very specific. I did get answers, I got an overwhelming teaching on a single word, "Obedience" --obedience isn't specific, not at all. But I feel like I know how to be obedient more than when I first notice the theme that the Lord was giving me.

Meetings, Self Diagnosis, Thyroids and Crying

Today I sat in a meeting that was silent for at least 30 minutes.

I don't know if you have ever experienced that. It is really the worst. We had a logistic problem in front of us and didn't have a way to figure it out. So, we sat. in. silence.

We kinda came up with a solution. It may work. But I am so done and over having to problem solve an building that is 3 months past its' completion date. It takes so much out of me. It is so exhausting, and that is not the only thing going on, I have about 40 other moving pieces going on at the same time. I have people annoyed that I don't get back to their emails/phone calls. I sometimes am unable to get back to people for days.

Be your real self.

My mom is pretty amazing. I was talking to her the other night on the phone-- we were talking about her emotions. She has less than most people. My mom has this amazing ability to not be jealous of people. I sometimes joke about how my mom made me insensitive to people's feelings because her feelings are so hard to hurt. She never feels jealous of people. She doesn't feel left out.

From Anger To Skip, --A Mind Jump Night.

Just now I was getting ready for bed, I was very upset. I let the arrogant words of the brand new program hire get to me. In his exit of my house, he managed to stay that the entire purpose of my job is nothing, not like the program that he is about to do.

As I took out my contacts, and brushed my teeth, I was so angry about the situation. It really really really bothers me when people do not see rental retreats as ministry, when they insult the purpose and mission of it.--It is my heart.

While I was washing my face, my mind jumped. Back to the days of living in Denver.

It matters what I do with it. #theweektoseek

My heart seems to be pounding more than it normally does. I finally started Sunday's sermon. It is Thursday, I am a few days late, but I realized I wasn't ready to hear this on Sunday. This wouldn't of impacted me the same way as it does now.
Sunday afternoon is when I started my #theweektoseek. This is everything that I needed to hear--post Sunday morning. It is in incredible how that works out.

There are things in our journey of following Christ that don't make sense to us, that is how the sermon started. Pastor Chris was talking about the Israelite's as they fled Egypt they listened to God and circled back. They made camp in a place were they were most vulnerable.

The Week To Seek

I named this week long journey I am on-- it is #theweektoseek

I am taking this week and seeking after answers from the Lord what is my next step in the pursuit of love. Where should my mind, actions and thoughts be on Becky's relationship status, and what do I need to do with it.

This type of challenge is hard. I have never done anything quite like this before.

I am not really scared, but instead unsure of how to do it.

I want to the Lord to speak/show me his intentions this week. I want to feel secure in what he has to say.

I know that the Lord doesn't need me to put Him on a timeline, and doesn't need to give me an answer in the next 7 days. I know what the Lord has said before. I know I shouldn't doubt his word. But so many things have changed, the biggest of which is my emotions.

I had two encounters with scripture today that stood out to me. It almost seemed like a whisper.
Here they are:

Giving up Avoiding

It has been 2 1/2 months since my world was rocked from a Facebook post.

For years, I felt confident that I was to marry Skip. Seeing him announce to the world of his new girlfriend seemed to change everything inside of me. I went from feeling hopeful to stupid. I immediate sought the Lord in this. But I stopped. After a week, I put all my feelings to the back of my mind. I didn't pray about it, I didn't think about it. I knew I had feelings there but I avoided them.

Faking on How You Are Doing.

Do you ever get lost in your thoughts, and you really feel not okay, I spend a lot of time thinking about what I am struggling with, deciding if my feelings are real, making a plan of action to change the situation, and pondering if you are able to do that plan of action?

I am often get that way, I get sad, and angry. But when a person walks though that office door, I have this power to pull it all together. I put a big smile on my face, I become cheerful and happy. I always reply "I'm great!" when they ask me how I am doing. I do everything in my power to convince them that I am great, and I am here to help them with whatever they need. And I do feel great when I am with them. I make myself feel whatever I am telling them that I feel.

Not Going to Church

I am working on having real conversations with my boss without losing it and crying in them. Today, I failed at that goal.

I didn't even mean to have a serious conversation with him. I was telling him how my view of the church has changed from being at camp. Then he asked me how many times I have gone to church in the last month -which I have gone zero times. Then he started to badger me why I haven't gone to church in the past month. I was pretty quiet, I gave really vague answers that don't really mean anything. He finally said, "I see, so you aren't going to tell me huh"

I can not, not share if you say that to me.

So I said,

Why Jesus Is The Only Way To Be Saved

I LOVE going to sleep listening to podcasts! It is truly the best. 

Earlier this week, I went to sleep listening to the North Coast sermon from February 6, 2016. Sleeping through most of it often I try to catch up with the rest in the morning. The next morning, I happen to wake up extra early at 5:00 am, and caught this very brief but significant section of the sermon between my snoozes. (The 35 minute mark to end)

It took me a while to find this section  to re-listen. Today, I went back and wrote down the highlights, it is just too significant not to keep it fresh. 

Fun Comes From the Seasons of the Unknown

What makes life fun?

I have been thinking about that in the back of my since I was writing my post last night. There are always fun events in our lives, what what makes those certain seasons of our lives, fun seasons?

This morning while I was sitting on my back porch reading, this line came to me. This line answered the question, What makes life fun?

"Tackling  the unknown with people who are just as scared as you"

This made so much sense to me. I always have had so much fun in a seasons of my  life when everything in front of me is new, and I am doing the new things with people who have never done it before as well.

I LOVED my freshman year of college: I went to a brand new place, figured out a brand new system of education, lived with new people and had those people to navigate those new adventures with. Every year new things were in front of us to accomplish. Every year there was a fear of the unknown. You just had to be brave and make it through it, and the process of doing that is so incredibility fun. That is basically the scenario of the year after college (a lot of my college friends spread across the country and I basically had to make a bunch of new friends for this year) And the year of my first internship.

Then life comes along. I stopped starting new adventures and became grounded. I was in places where I was limited in peers, a place where I felt comfortable. I often fear the unknown where I am at, but the unknown isn't normally in front of me, it is something that I have to pursue. Outside of my irrational fear of living in the state of California, my life is very very secure. I have a very secure job, my job provides me with a house, pretty good pay, insurance, I get to walk to work everyday. It is a very safe place to be.

Direction

I have been at my house alone for over a week now. I don't mind being alone. It has been nice in some ways, I enjoy the solitude. It makes me reflect a lot. It's my half birthday today, and I happen to share my birthday (and half birthday) with a sweet friend/mentor who is about 10 years older than I that I spent a lot of time with when I lived in Denver.

Thinking of her, made me think of my 5 years in Denver. And at the same time I have been reflecting about my first camp internship. Both of these seasons were amazing in my life. They were really the best 6 years of my life. I loved them oh SO much. Since then, my life has also been good, but not quite the same of those years.

Part of me doesn't want my life to be THAT great again. Simply because I feel so lucky by the experiences that I have had and that I don't want my great times to be forgotten. 

But also part of me, makes me think, "What have I been doing for the last 4 years?" The last 4 years have been good, but nothing compared to my 19-25 years. I think often time the 19-25 years are everyone's prime, but I am so sad to see that season of my life past.

So now what? I have really been struggling with direction this year. Part of me never wants to leave what I am doing. But part of me wants to have a new adventure. Wants to go and live life as I did in my 19-25 year span. 

Rough Week Recovery

Yesterday was better.

In reading that, I am sure you are all thinking either "of course, things couldn't have gotten any worst" or "good, Becky was getting a little to emo for me to handle"  Both are appropriate thoughts.

Friday was a really low day for me. Saturday turned out to be better. Our transition from breakfast to the groups meeting room went well. I was able to get lots of work done in the office in the morning. No one came in and said anything mean to me.

We went over to turn over the dining hall again at lunch. Our office crew got their before the end of the groups session. The kitchen was so loud. Thankfully, they weren't talking loudly. But all the normal kitchen noise: Washing dishes, moving trashcans, the dings and clings of all the metal dishes is loud. It made me sad that there was so much background noise to their session.

A Rough Night at Camp to Complete My Already Tough Week

Today I talked with my boss about how I do not have tough skin.

It started this morning. I caught him up on everything that I have been negotiating with the groups coming up. He was mad about what I did. He didn't express it, instead just went silent, like I didn't say anything to him at all. His face read that he wasn't okay about something the entire day. He kept hanging out in my office, but not saying anything. That's when you know something is really wrong, but normally when he does that, he isn't mad at me.

So here we were in the office after dinner, and I asked him what was bothering him so much. I knew it was something, but I didn't think he would answer me. I figured I would get, "Becky stop asking me, I'm fine" as an answer. But he told me. He told me that he was really bothered by the discount that I gave to the group that we were bending over backwards for. Which I was too, I was really upset and struggling with the entire situation.

We had a really good talk though, I, of course cried, because I cry now ALL the TIME. I was going to recap the whole thing, but I can never remember how the different pieces came together, I can not get it right.

Here is the highlights though:

•  I need to get tough skin, though I can handle the easy, be friends, come along side the group. I need to work on being brave and handling the roughness and conflict with groups
• I can't let things get to me, I need to shake them off and not let the hardships effect me, if I don't let them go, they can effect the rest of my life. 
• My boss knew all the thoughts I have been having the past week. He said "I know what you are going through, you want to just hid and escape it all. You don't want to be around to deal with the problem, you just want to disappear" Yeah, he nailed that to the T. He actually gave very specific thoughts that I have been having after that paragraph. I was quite impressed how he understood my feelings so well. 
• Its not all my fault, I am not failing at everything that I am doing, I need to stop thinking that I am. There are a lot of other people also involved in why everything is a mess. I am just the one who is  getting the heat from it. 
• That I can actually do well in a conflict. As long as I am brave and face it. 

When You Pray and Read..

I binged watched "Melissa and Joey" today. I think I watched 13 episodes. Finally at 3:45 I turned off the TV. Decided I would spend the next 15 minutes cleaning up the kitchen and when the clock reads 4:00 pm. I would take some time to start reading "Beautiful Uncertainly" by Mandy Hale.

It rained last night, one of those amazing rains, where simply water falls from the sky-- no wind, no thunder, nothing but soft rain drops hitting the ground. So when I went outside to read, it was the perfect amount of chill in the air, with those big white kinda storming clouds over half the sky that gives everything this cool, eerie green tint to it.

I kinda read the endorsements and made it to page 9. Mandy had amazing things to say. But as she was talking about her relationship with the Lord, I knew that I needed to put the book down and spend some time with the Lord tackling my Isaiah Bible Study.

Studying Isaiah has been really hard for me. I feel like I am just glazing over all those flowy violent words but have no idea what is going on. I am so lost.
What is God doing? Who are these people? Why are they talking about desert animals, what does that mean? What are they talking about with this banner? Why is there a war? Who is fighting who? What did they do? Who are the Medes? Are they for God or against? Why are they being destroy? Wait, are they being destroyed?

Tough Skin

This week has been filled to the brim with tough situations and problems for me. When you are in the middle of all of these hard things, you all of a sudden realize that you either A. have tough skin or B. Soft skin.

Today while I was sitting on my desk trying to put out two fires that I accidentally created, a bomb went off-- one more giant conflict that I don't know how to handle. I realized that I have really really soft skin.

Soft skin can be nice, it feels smooth. But when the going gets tough, you wish you had those callouses, you wish you weren't getting cut up by all the things you are trying to fix. But you just can't change who you are.

Yesterday sitting at my desk, I felt so low. I didn't know how to make everything go away, I didn't know how to escape it all. I didn't know how to make it right with people. Oh how I wished it was easy. I wish I didn't have to have the hard conversations. I wish I didn't get my self into these messes. I wish I didn't just freeze at the conflicts and wish I wasn't there instead of being brave and tackle'ing them gracefully and smoothly. I wish my insides didn't feel like they are about to explode.

Understanding Singleness

The other day, things were kinda chaotic at camp. I wasn't really set-up to work in the gift shop but in the flow of the day I found myself in there for a while.

A church leader (who I do not know) was in the gift shop talking to my boss. They were talking for a really long time, it had to be at least 15 minutes or so.

In their conversation, they were talking about me and my role at camp. My boss is one of those people who always talks up those who works for him, to strangers. He always says things that are way beyond what is true (in the nice way). So he spends a good chunk of their time talking me up and then the flow of the conversation came to where I  could start talking with them.

She was asking me all of these questions that make me feel really insecure in who I am. Never asking if I am married, but just assuming that I am alone, about my life living with roommates. Asking me what school I am going to, what I want to do once I am done with school. All of these questions that makes me feel that the choices I have made for my life are really really insignificant and not good enough. (and it made it all the worst because my boss just said all these nice things about what I do, defining my career at camp to her)

Bachelor: Home Town Date

On my goodness. I LOVE this season of the bachelor.  I really really like Ben. I think he is a great guy. I love the girls that he has picked out. I love the dynamic of the 6 girls and as I watched the show tonight. I became really sad that they are not going to be all together past this week. I don't like that 2 are going to be sent home and that the other 4 are going to have them meet their their parents, because that means that the show is almost over.

I love Ben's hometown. It is so great! I love that the girls got to stay at a lake house during their stay. I was so excited for Emily's date with Ben.

I really really really like Emily. I have loved seeing her grow and blossom over the course of the show. Ben talked about how he has seen a new side of her each week of the show, and I have as well. She is so much braver and deep than the person who we first saw at the beginning. I am so proud of how she has changed for the better over the past few weeks.

Happy Holidays!

Happy Valentines Day! 

For a very very long time this was my favorite holiday! Never because I was in a cute relationship. But instead, because I was single and felt the love of others because I was single and could share the love with so many people, (And so many people hate valentines day, it makes it a little more fun to love what people hate)

I still enjoy valentine's day. But the older I get, the more my peers are married, the less love I feel from people on this day--- making it less enjoyable.

Today on social media, I saw this really nice post from a girl who was saying nice things about her single friends:
"Just wanna say hats off to my single friends. I am blown away by a lot of you. It can be hard; people can treat you differently when you're single, you want to just share life with someone, and then Hallmark comes around in February and reminds you that nearly

We Can Still Create and Build

I have been thinking about this concept for a while, ever since I was reading "Garden City" by John Mark Comer (which I think is 2 months ago now.) I think like it is so simple and complex, I will try to be clear with my words, but you may have to read it all for it to make sense, don't give up on me though, okay?

The earth is old, really old. There is much debate of how old it actually is, but we do not question at all that it is at least 4,000 years old. Which to me is really really old. With how old our earth is, and with how many years it has been since people stopped living in tents and wondering around season to season with their sheep. Isn't it fascinating that there is still a need and space for new construction. I know it kinda seems like a silly concept, but think about it. "How is it that not every inch of our land hasn't already been developed? How can there be so many new projects going on with the number of years our earth has been a earth?

My Most Brave Self

I have been reading "Let's All Be Brave" by Annie Downs, and I have been following Mandy Hale's book release of "Beautiful Uncertainty" These two books seem to have the same message. "Don't stay and hide, because you are scared and don't know how it's going to work out, instead, be adventurous and go do it--it's really the best choice" I think my response should be "YEAH LETS GO AND DO IT!!!" But it hasn't. Instead, I have been very reflective of the season of my life that was about 6-7 years ago. When everyday was an adventure. Everyday I felt unsure, uncertain of what was next, but I was so adventurous. I did things outside of my comfort zone. I was so proud of the steps and way my life looked" I knew the stage of life I was in was going to be short lived, I feared not knowing what was next, but I felt confident that I could tackle that fear and that I would make it out better and stronger (with a small chance that I would end up living in my parents basement if it all fell apart---that fear was very real, and very motivating NOT to give up)

I lived right outside of Denver (5 minute drive from the border close) And went to church that was so close to downtown. This church that showed me that I can LOVE church.

My Denver church has been on my mind so much lately. It was a mix of classic baptist church (Adult Sunday School, a choir, glass podium on stage, stained glass windows-70s style) and real-life living blended together. They were big on having a core group of Christians in your life, and naturally integrating non-believers into that, to make your everyday-self ministry.

Ben's Character #Bachelor

I am really into the Bachelor this season. I have a friend (Katie) who always finds out who the winner is beforehand. When I was at her house last month we were watching the show and she asked if I wanted to know it was. I was like "yes, let me guess first" I thought for a moment and gave her the name (don't worry, I won't reveal the name for you) and I was right!!! I LOVE being able to guess things right like that. So since I was able to guess the winner from the first episode I have been extra invested in this season.

I really really like Ben as well. This is my favorite characteristic of him: he over and over again builds confidence in the girls who are on the show. Not in a false "I'm following-in-love with  you way" Like the bachelors normally do. But instead tells them over and over again, you are amazing, you are incredible, you

It's Superbowl Sunday

I'm not a huge Superbowl fan, simply because I am not a football fan. I can pretend to be excited if I am around super fans. Right now in life, I am not surrounded by any huge football fans, so I never ever watch football.

Today on my newsfeed there were SO MANY bronco fans pictures. And I kept thinking "why are there so many bronco fan pictures, they aren't playing in the Superbowl, are they doing some sort of "we almost made it to the Superbowl game" today to rebel not making it to the Superbowl?"

BEST YOUTH RETREAT!!!

This is my favorite camp weekend. I loved tonight, I love have this giant jr high youth camp here where there are so many games and things going on. I love hanging out with all of my adult friends who work with this youth group. Tonight was so fun.

I am a blogger

I have been a blogger for 3 years now, and I have never told anyone that I write a blog, never spoke it, I don't think that anyone has ever caught me. It is probably the biggest secret that I have kept. I have been really intentional at not telling any one about this process that I am in.

I do however, have one friend who is an open blogger. She writes for her friends and family. She shares her writings on her Facebook page. I am so proud of her. That is so hard to be open to sharing everything that is going on in her life. I think what she does takes a lot of bravery. But it takes away part of the honesty that comes from sharing anonymously. There is this pressure to tweak everything so that it sounds a little nicer, and little more PC, you aren't able to ever speak badly about anyone or anything when people know who you are. I am thankful that I do not have that pressure. I am thankful that I can be completely honest and not have to live with people being hurt or mad at what I say in day to day life. I think having the ability to be completely transparent is so good for me. This is the only way that I really dig in and understand the feelings I have so often.

There are some things that I don't like about having anonymous blog. I wish people understood my feelings that I express here, but I can't share that without letting people know that I write a blog. I wish that I could have a bigger readership. I only have people who don't know me read my blog. 

When to go...the pressure to keep moving.

Yesterday, I was sitting in the camp dining hall with all of my co-workers for our weekly staff devo. My boss was speaking. In one of his points, he was talking about all the things he has done in the past to prepare him for where he is today, and that in what he is doing now, is preparing him for what is next. In these sentences, my heart stopped a little, I grabbed a napkin and wrote this down:

As a society, there is so much pressure to keep changing things up. We feel this need to get somewhere, get as much out of that as we can (for 1-3 years) then go on a new adventure and get as much of that as we can and repeat. Over and over again. We respect people who have been at the same job for 50 plus years, but if you aren't there, there is a pressure to keep on moving, to keep looking for new and better things.

I Go To Work...

I love being able to sit at my desk each day, tackle the number of emails that I get in my inbox, answer phone calls and get to glance out of my large window at the ball field where I either see campers playing or deer eating. I love the people I work with, the fun and conversations that we have. I also truly LOVE the tasks of my job. I love putting together details for people, making things organized, knowing that I am meeting a income budget that always seems to be an impossible number of campers to have on a given month.

As much as I love sitting at my desk, and love my job. There are days where my work feels heavy on my chest. Days where I feel behind on getting back to people. Days where I don't know how to respond to the requests that I get. Days where I feel burden by having to say "no" over and over again. There is really a lot of work that goes into the booking and planning of camps. It is a two way conversation, you need to read and meet the needs of the people of the other side of that email or phone call. There are conflicts. There are days where I mess up and have to tell a group really bad news. And sadly, there are even days that I have to under deliver what I have promised.

It's A Brisk Windy Day After A Storm

Last night we had crazy winds with rain,  it was scary. I was fearful of trees falling on my house, car, and every building at camp. Around 10:00 pm on of our weekend staff girls came to our house asking to spend the night. There was a tree in the road making it so she couldn't drive to her housing. 3 trees total fell on the road ways, there was debris everywhere, somehow, an old Christmas tree made it into my back yard, signs broke, garbage cans are missing, its a big mess.

But even though it was hard to see all the broken branches and debris everywhere it made today different, which was fun. I wore a fun outfit, my new warm puffy vest, a long sleeve button up jean shirt with skinny jeans and tall brown boots. I got to wear a bright headband and gloves to keep my head and hands warm (something you cherish in California, never thought I was miss feeling brisk, freezing air until I moved here)

We had a conference last week, which got me really far behind in work, on Saturday I was trying to catch up, but knew with the constant interruption of a 3 big camps going on I wouldn't get far, so instead I made myself a list of everything that I needed to get done today, when camp would be quiet.

I've been avoiding you...

Oh man, I had a melt down what like 15 days ago, and was really not okay. I have become "okay" I don't have this dark awful cloud over me where I can't see anything good. I haven't really started to deal with my issues. I have been doing oh so much better.

Today I went to church. I was sitting between two couples and was watching couple after couple walk into the worship center. I started to cry, like embarrassing amount of tears, the stuffy nose, cry because I felt so ALONE in this crowd of people. Thankfully the lights were down, and the music was loud so I don't think anyone really notice that I was having this huge melt down in the middle of church.

"perspective"... scrap that...This is my mess of emotions when I tried to think about my perspective.

I have been thinking a lot about people's perspective these days. It seems like I have been bombarded in hearing about how people see the world.

But of the last few days, in the midst of hearing others perspective, I started to also become bombarded with my own perspective.

I see life out of two lenses. The "here and now" and "big picture" I have been focusing in and out of both of these views, and I'm a mess. I also have a cold, I am really tired so the strong extreme emotions I have right now I know aren't real on their own, but have influence from my sick/tired state. Even seeing that reality, I still feel not okay.

Looking at my Life From A Few Thousand Miles Away

Sometimes you need to fly across the country and sit on the couch of old friends to get perspective on your life.

That is what I did. Yesterday I got on a plane, flew across the country to my friends Katie and Jack's house. My camp friends that I spent so much time on their couch until they moved, which is now a year and a half ago.

They are out of camp life, completely right now. They live in a neighborhood, they can drive 2 minutes and be at the grocery store. They don't go to the dining hall to get all their meals- out of camp life. I forget how small of a world I live. I forget what a normal house looks like (I live in a modular home, not a cabin by the way--that is the most common question I get about living at camp) But my friends house has stairs, a full kitchen. It is a normal house.