Cool picture

This is a cool picture, except that it makes me feel incredibly lonely and a little stupid. 

The guy in red is skip, he is cuddled up to the girl in teal really closely, it's the same girl that he was Facebook chatting that I wrote about on June 11. 

You can't deny it, it's a cute picture. It's a cool picture.

Two of the summer staff had/have crushes on me this summer. I am incredibly honored by that and in seeing a picture like this, I think that I may have it all wrong. I may have a little game... Do I need to go out there and look for someone else. --- as I wrote that my insides are screaming "no!" Over and over again. 

As stupid as I feel looking at this picture. I need to stay loyal to God and the word that he gave me, no matter how hard it is.  Or how illogical it feels. 

I think it is my natural spirit of revenge that makes me want to run out and be with some cute guy. As in, I am getting back at skip for being cutesy with this girl on Facebook by being cutest with some guy. Even though at this point in the game, there is no reason for me to be seeking revenge, because, he has done nothing wrong. I got myself hurt feelings, by seeing something that wasn't my way--that's selfish of me. 

And why do i have a spirit of revenge with someone I hope to spend the rest of my life with???

I don't have good feelings inside of me. I am going to go get my bible and read and pray. I read to pray lots right now. 

Bible bowl

This week at camp we have an old fashion group. And in that, a lot of their programming is biblically based, which I feel like I should support and love. 

However, this whole week, I had a bad taste in my mouth about what they were doing, really rubbed me the wrong way. Which I struggled with, why would a camp being so focused on the bible rub me the wrong way? Is there something so messed up with my relationship with Christ that the bible activities repulse me? I have been wrestling with this, a lot. 

Today though, it became clear. 

It's not that they are focused in on the bible, they are using as a competition. 

The trivia, contests, fact based answers.... I think in using the bible as a completion, they are building up walls between people-- making them feel like they need to know Gods Word to win, it gives them power over others, they can't admit weakness in not knowing something etc., these games provide a way to show that you are more "spiritual" "better Christian" "superior" than others when it comes to God  

 instead of having the walls torn down and humbly together as a group grow together in Gods word and see it as his word. 

That is why it has been rubbing me wrong. 

Oh brother

I just had this conversation with one of the coolest ladies I know who wants me to meet and fall in love with her brother. I really want to know him. It's not the best decision,I know that. I really really need to stay away from cool, amazing guys, because I can easily fall in love with them.   This brother of my friend really intrigues me. I want to meet him, a lot.  

Text of prayer

I had a hard day yesterday, I kept sitting at my desk staring at my computer screen thinking. "I need to quit my job" "why am I here?" "I want to be at a traditional kids camp" "I need to leave now" 

Lunch came, I had fun talking and hanging out then. Had small group bible study. Then had a group lie to be about pool arrangements that they made with the other group at camp, and the other group was pissed, and so was I. Make tour came it was perfect and while I was giving my tour this text came in: 

It came from my boss's wife. That's the power of prayer. I needed it. It was hard because I couldn't really say back to her. "Thanks for praying for me. I needed it because I was SO mad at everything your husband is in charge of, and want to flee from this place." So I simply said..

I love this lady. I feel that she is real with me, and never out to get me. I really like her husband too, I'm glad he is my boss. I wish though, all the other crap that went on didn't. And that I had more high quality friends and co-workers. 

I wish that I could have more of the ministry side of camp, and feel like i am a partner in what happens instead of the person who just sits in the office thinking about the next 4 weeks details. 

Disclaimer:

Your getting the Dramatic side of me. In fact you always do. It's not that over the top in day to day living. 

Skip to Latin America

Woke up this morning to see a notification on my phone that I got a email copy of skip's latest newsletter.  Being that we haven't talked in months this is my only updates I get on his life (outside of Facebook) 

And though, I know everything is in Gods timing of this. I'm having a hard time with this. Im having a hard time imaging living my life in Latin America. I do not have the ability to learn a foreign language and I DO NOT EAT BEANS! And that's pretty much all they eat there. 

Part of me right now is not up for this plan of God's. I'm not bailing out, but it seems SO LONG until it happens and not being picture perfect as I see it in my head. 

One of my dearest friends from college just celebrated her birthday, and looking at her Facebook, knowing her and the life she leads. I get a little envious. She has the perfect body, she has a spirit that makes her a joy to be around, she has a heart to follow Christ and the guts to be strong and faithful in that in pretty much any situation. She is adventous, daring  and real. I want and wish to be more like that. I think I need to break through some walls and fears that I have to be at that place.

But to do that I may need to leave where I'm at and go be at a place where I feel safe and secure to do that. California and this mountain gives me excess amounts of fear. I want to go out and be adventous but want that safe person to call if it all blows-up in my face. 

This is my root of the constant feeling of stuck. How do I really, really break free of this and be at that place where that happens. Maybe I need to start praying for that person to come into my life and be that for me and experience that here and now. Though I imagine that person being skip, I may need a fill-in until that time comes.  

How to be...

I don't know how to be. Which even as a statement doesn't fully make sense. Tonight, I was hanging out with jack and Katie at their house with two summer staff boys. And I didn't know how to be around them. I don't know how to be in many situations. I am careful in who I say what to, you need to be a safe person for me to say negative things around or least abundantly. And I don't want to say anything negative or ugly around summer staff about anything at camp. I think that is the most distructive gossip there can be. And tonight...I didn't really know what to do. 

I felt pressure to keep up with the jones normally I don't, it was on Instagram posts and the need to present yourself the right way there. The type of #'s you use, how many, ratio of selfies compared to other pics, I need not analyse that. There was also a lot of negative talk and judging of camp summer staff and things that need not be said and I didn't want to be there and I didn't know how to make it stop and a lot of it was from my friend not the staff which makes it even harder to fix. 

This summer staff boy has a big crush on me, and I don't want to talk about it with people. I think that is so incredible unfair of me to do to him. And that can be so hurtful to him. 

Katie also told them that I was betroth to the summer staff which makes me really really mad, that's not her thing to say. And I really regret telling her that and tonight she was telling me I need to text him and that " waiting to talk to a guy only leads to disappointment" and wouldn't let it be. And it really bothered me. 

I just sent her a text message reminding her that I don't want people to know that, so hopefully that will not be an issue anymore. And that she won't be mad at me for asking that. 

I also don't like being in social situations where everyone is consistently on their phones. I feel like I should sit around and be on my phone, but I don't want to be that person. But if I don't look at my phone, I feel like I'm just a dork looking at all these downward heads. 

Nothing really bad happen tonight, but I don't think anything good came of it either, and that part is what I'm struggling with. 

Bedside baptist

Went to Katie's this morning, drank her coffee and watched church together. I <3 bedside baptist days! We learned about mercy and how we as people on earth need to give forgiveness to lots of people that don't deserve it. 

Power of camp

Got a phone call at work tonight from a speaker asking what time he needs to be at camp tomorrow. As I get to the chapel, I arrive in the gospel presentation. 

The gospel is life-changing! The speaker did an amazing job of presenting it, challenging it. Have students boldly make it known that The Lord is working in their lives if he is. He made it clear that following Christ isn't about hiding it, but declaring it. I wish I recorded his words, they were so powerful. 

They invited students to come up and receive Jesus as their lord and savior at the altar. To bring their friends and leaders to pray with them. The band played "how he loves us" 

there was 80 ppl in the room and at least 50 of them were at the altar. 

It was powerful. Really really powerful. The Lord works, in a chapel that I walk by each day. Lives are changed, and though I know that, it is so much more powerful to see that. 

Need not be numb

Today my bosses wife was reading to me from her small group devotional book and one of the things they talked about was not being numb to your feelings and to be in the process of figuring out your feelings and moving forward with them. And they used the illustration of your foot falling asleep (going numb) and though it's hard you need to go through the process of waking it up so your foot becomes functioning again. 

Blogging is a good place for me to reflect and process. I get a lot out of this time I have writing out my thoughts and processing the things I am learning. 

Even though it's good for me and I know I will get a lot out of it, I have many days where I don't....Too much work, too much mind power needed,too much leaving that numbness. It's much easier to vegg out and watch classic tv shows, Dick Van Dyke Anyone?? (I really really love that show, watch it all the time) 

And though I don't think that you need to reflect and think about everything, there is value in going for it living your life impulsively. But I know when I need to come back and tune in and ponder what is going on in my heart and mind. And I need to work on being obedient in that 

Worried---and don't know what to do

The saga continues, and I am less upset with my friend and more worried about her, trying to figure out what is wrong and how to help her even when she is so angry. It's hard. I'm not good with this. I don't know how to help, I am a terrible friend to have. I wish I was amazing at this, but I'm not, at all. I hope The Lord gives me the prayers I need to pray, and the words I need to say to help this all out, because I dont know how to do it on my own. 

What to do

One of my closest friends here Katie, has been making really bad judgement calls lately, and I don't know how to handle or respond to it. And in the midst of these bad calls, she was been mean to me and distant which makes it all the harder to process. 

For a long time, we had a wrangler here at camp, who I can't think about without the verse "bad company currupts good character" shouting out atme in my head. 

From a distance she looks carefree and fun but if you don't keep that distance; you become a person tainted-hating and having a bad attitude about everything, talking shit, and laughing at comedy no one should know of or think is funny-- she is all about glorifying herself, that's where her negativity comes in- pushing everything else down to get herself higher. She talks about God, but in a way that makes her look amazing,not him. 

For a long time, I thought she only showed her true self to me and a few other full-time people. I learned after she left-from Katie- that's not the case and that she would talk about all the crap politics going on at camp with all her campers and staff and taint them to believe the only good thing going on at camp is that she was here. 

This made me really mad, and I was SO GLAD she was gone once I learned this. 

From her departure, we got a new and amazing wrangler. And everything changed for the better. 

Then....Katie invited the old girl back to camp for the 4th of July weekend right in the third week of camp of changing how things are down. 

WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THAT?!? 

She saw first hand all the damage she did with her mouth with these girls,when she was employed here, why would you ever invite her back here?!? That means she is going to have ZERO filter. It made me so mad that my friend made this call and invited her, not just some summer staff that doesn't know any better. 

Katie has also been really bitter and has attitude that the camp picture was taken without her.  But she was gone for the entire month of June, if you leave for the entire first month of camp, I don't think you have any entitled right to be mad about that. And it makes me mad that she thinks she does. 

We are really good friends, I spend almost all of my non-working awake time with her, and I think I will have to address it sometime, but there are all these people and visitors at camp for the next 2 weeks that will make it near impossible to just talk to her. And she probs won't hear me and just get mad at me, is it even worth it? 

Happy 4th of July

1 year ago today, I received word that my roommate/coordinator was going to be removed from her position, and that my current boss was going to take over and have me assist in the process. 

This was a big day in my life BIG DAY! And now a full year around has come, and so much has changed within my job. There was so much stress in this transition, it's right in the middle of summer, I had my old job and current to do, and had to create a whole new system because the old one wasn't working. I didn't get actually promoted until December, but it basically became my role a year ago. 

My job is still stressful. I can't say that it is any more now, but there are added stresses at having a year (almost) under your belt. Pressures to maintain and increase revenue for the year. To never make mistakes. To be on top of everything going on right now, for the next year and last few months all at once, and to not mix it up. Pressures to remember each person you meet and remember how everything was done the last retreat. 

I just came off of a really stressful/detail intense week camp. It's been giving me anxiety for months. And I have been making so many mistakes because I couldn't handle all the details going on with it. That's really hard. I am thankful that so many ppl helped me out. But  I feel like a huge failure. 

Our fall numbers are down, and my boss is really really stressed about it. And the more he talks about how we need more people, the more and more I feel like a failure. I can't keep the numbers alive. I am the reason that camp is doing finically poor. 

I haven't been doing well with pressure lately. If you read any of my blogs in the past two months, you may predict I'm near an emotional breakdown. And well, I might be.

 I might get fired soon, I may lose my chance to keep being in this role if I can't get my numbers up. I was in hot water for a long time about this summer....Though, I think in the end we had more campers this summer than last, or at least it was close. 

I don't think I'm as good as a worker as I think I am. There's a lot of things I need to work on. There's a lot of things I'm behind on in life and unable to do, many of them I think are because I don't work hard enough. 

I'm really struggling. I need help, but I don't know all what I'm struggling with. I think it's more than just failure to work hard, in fact I think this failure is the effect of something else going on in my life. 

How do you move out and on from this place? I feel so trapped! 

Did it!

I joined twitter!!! @beckysails is my handle (tweet name??? Don't know the lingo yet) 

Feel free to follow me. Don't know all that I'm doing yet, but I'll get there! 

Twitter? Should I???

I'm thinking about joining twitter and becoming more connected to the online social media world. I don't know, though, do I have tweets in me? Will I have any followers? Will I be able to figure it out? Will it be worth the time?

All things I need to figure out. I might join just so I can follow mandy hale, because I really like her. She is a real strong, and in the same life stage as me and says so many encouraging things. I may join just for that... We will see...

This link goes to a Mandy Hale video, you'll see why I want to be friends with her: 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ps_8qbb263M

Blister

My blister on my heel is crazy huge right now! Holy cow, thought you all would want to see it.. It's been really dry out, can you tell my by heels. 

Have a good one.