It's hard to be an adult

So many times I make myself see life only from my prospective and allow myself to have the blues with thoughts of: 

• "It's so hard to be single" 

• "It's so hard to work such a stressful job" 

• "It's so hard to live in a remote location" 

• "It's so to have a 21 immature roommate" 

And then I go into the "I wish" mode:

• "I wish I was married"

• "I wish I didn't ever have to go to work" 

• "I wish I lived downtown next to target and the pier" 

• "I wish my roommate would just quit her job already"

But I know that it doesn't matter what stage of life I am in; I am always going to see a different lay-out as better in moments, because no matter what, being an adult is hard. It is hard to be single, it is hard to be married, it is hard to be a single-parent, it is hard to parent with a spouse, it is hard to go to work, work is hard to do. But it is also hard to stay at home all day.
No matter the life stage, there will be hard things about it. Sometimes the hardest things to face looks the easiest from a distance. It seems so easy to be unemployed, all you do is sit around all day, right? Except that you have nothing to do, feel stressed about money and go into this deep depression because you feel worthless and feel like you have nothing to offer anyone. ---
I listen to John Mark Comer (Bridgetown Church) and he does a great job of always adding this into his sermons. We always see the grass on the other side as greener. It looks so good and easy to the married person struggling with marriage to see a single counterpart. Marriage looks so good and easy to the single girl feeling like a third wheel with all of her friends. But we don't experiences the eternal emotions that go with the "unknown" territory we dream ourselves to be in.
I at times, go the other route as well. I know that no matter what, I will experience the hardship of being an adult. But I feel like where I am at right now keeps me protected from some hardships. What if I cling to what I have now and don't allow myself explore different choices. I know that big and hard things are to come in my life. But I have also been able to tackle big and hard things in the past, and I made it out okay, but what if I am not able to come out successful again?
The unknown is just that, unknown. We are unsure if it is better or worst than what we have now. We are unsure if what we pursue will be better or worst than the stage that we are in right now. But instead of fearing and hiding from the hardships, we need to move forward and face them as the strong person that our childhood and teens years prepared and trained us up to be. 

Blogging me and the real me

You know what is funny? My entire blog is about things I never talk about in real life: my insecurities, singleness and a promise God gave me. I wish I could be this open and honest with people I know. 

Why is it so hard to be transparent? I wonder what would happen if I really opened up and was my true self with people around me. I wonder how that would effect and change my life. I wonder if some day I will be able to do so. I wonder if anyone who actually want to listen? 

I also wonder why I feel heard and understood by the process of writing my thoughts instead of speaking them. My words never sound the same when I read the back to myself as they did while I typed them. I never quite feel the same about them after I go through the process of getting them on the page. Writing is truly is the best thing for me to do when I need to sort out my thoughts and feelings. What is the magic of the written word?

I don't think that I am overly fake as a blogger, or fake as a person. But I have these two sides of me and they come out differently pending on where I am. I think that my goal is to allow Skip to see and really know both sides of me. I think that is going to be an important part of our relationship. But do I need to open up and have people see this side of me while I wait for Skip? 

Sometimes I do share with people in a human real conversation my thoughts and things that I blog about (never saying that "I blogged" about, that would ruin my secret blog cover) but I think I need to get better at that. I think there is importance in being real. 

Is home really my home

Today I was in my boss's office working on some budgety things. As we were talking we drifted off subject and he asked me if I would be opening to moving.---I have been counting down the months for my roommate to leave camp, just painted half our house. Now there is a potiental of  having to move on the horizon???--- So that a pregnant couple--my new manager actually, can have our house???

I didn't immediately freak out, but then I learned where I would most likely be moving to-- a studio apartment in the center of camp that is slightly larger than my current bedroom that has a huge mouse problem. I was told that it would be remodeled and fixed up, but even still I don't want to live on top of a mountain like that. I don't want my bedroom to be in my kitchen and be in my living room. I wouldn't have a yard at all, I could never be outside. I love being outside. I love being outside by myself.

This conversation brought all of my insecurities to the surface. I hate that I am almost 30 and single, and I hate it all the more because it means that I can be shoved to live in really terrible places.

I hate that I feel so unsafe in where I am. Not unsafe as I think I am about to be harmed, but unsafe that I don't have someone will truly help me if I am harmed.

I want my life to change so much. I don't want to feel like I am about to throw-up when someone mentions that valentines day is coming up (its 6 months away and I feel no hope that I will have Skip in my life to love by then)

What in the world am I doing with my life? Am I even in an adult stage of life? I got passed up for a promotion, I am not brave at all. I can't even say things that I need to say.

What is the worst about it, is I don't know how to fix it.  At all...

Today while I was blending a smoothie, I had this thought " what if I feel so lost right now is that I have spent so long NOT pursuing and listening to God" "what if He has been wanting to direct me a different direction, but I haven't hear Him, because I have been intentionally not seeking Him or letting Him work in my life?"

That is a real and big thought-- I have been in Becky survival for a while. Today I was praying out loud in a camp leadership meeting and after I finished I realized I wasn't praying to God at all, I was just talking about things that are out of my control and going on around me to a person that wasn't in the room. I was "praying" because that is the culture and situation I was in, not because I wanted to pursue and have a conversation with the God who created me and everything and gives me salvation and freedom from my sins. I have really become a Christ-follower is is only kinda on path--who isn't seeking and having God be Lord of my life, that is really scary.

What is happening to me? What do I do now?

I of course know what to do, get myself aligned and right with God, but how do I actually do that? I have drifted to far out, I can only barely see the boat that I need to be in.

I need to start paddling though, my arms can't do it on their own, but I know that the Lord helps these arms get strength in the course.

Today is the only today

I haven't said out loud to anyone that I am toying around the idea to move to Portland Maine. You (the handful of people who read my blog) are the only ones who I have shared this dream with. I think I haven't said it out loud for a few reasons:
1. I should tell my boss first that I am thinking of this. And I have no good reasons why I want to go this direction and I don't want to scare him in thinking I am leaving (I don't think most people should tell their boss first, its actually a bad plan. My boss and I are friends though, and he specifically asked me to do that if I am ever in this season of life)
2. I feel like the boy who calls wolf. I have almost left camp like 10 times now. I don't need to go down this path and "not go" once again
3. It is a big and scary move, I don't know if I am brave enough to do something that big and scary
4. I like my life here. I want to buy a patio set- I just painted the walls of my house. I have a good job. My life is really stable and comfortable. Do I really want to leave that??
5. I haven't prayed or sought the LORD in this thought or process at all. This is purely a Becky dream. If I say this out loud, people are going to ask me if I have prayed about it, and I don't want to be called out on that.

I keep thinking about how I only get one life here on earth. One. And today is the only today I will ever get. I don't get to redo life.
I am excited about heaven, but lately I am really bothered that I only get one chance of life on earth. I am wishing that wasn't the case. There are so many different factors in life that can change so many things. I wouldn't be so concerned in how I choose things in this life, if I knew that I would go through this experience a few more times. But, we don't get that option. We only live once. I am feeling the pressure from that. Though I like my life, is this the only way I want to live it? Do I want to change anything that I am doing? I have been at the same place doing about the same thing for 3 years now. Do I need to change and do something new to fully live life? What else should I be doing?

If you follow my twitter,(@beckysails) you may have notice that I have been thinking about this for a while now. I keep stopping and throwing out my questions out there. We can be so much or so little in this life. Where I am and what am I doing with it?

Watching FRIENDS 20 years late

F.R.I.E.N.D.S has been on my tv here now for a little over a week I have watched the entire first season and the first 5 episodes of season 2. I see this show so differently than I did in the 90's when it was being aired and I was just a kid.

These characters are really young... They always seemed SO OLD, but they started this show about 25 years old. For being 25-year old's they seem so put together and such a mess, it just depends on the day. -They are doing fairly well. They have a stable place to live, they have jobs for most of the time and they actually do their job at work (Rachel and Phoebe struggle with this, but we all have friends like that in life no matter the age or decade) 

Patio Set soon to be mine???

I am thinking about getting this patio set. I really like it. It is mega on sale ($150 for the whole thing--normally $250) but I still think that is really expensive. However sitting at a table outside is one of my favorite things and we have a concrete slab that it should fit nicely on. I think I will ask my roommate for approval when she gets home and buy it if she likes it. I am feeling impulsive with my purchases but that is okay right. I haven't spent that much money this summer

Urban Dreams

One of my life dreams is to live in a dense old city in an style apartment that is brick and above businesses in a downtown area. Being able to walk to work and really be invested in a downtown area.

Well, my current life looks very different than that. I live in a remote camp, on top of a mountain surrounded by trees, hiking trails and deer. My resume doesn't have skills that would allow me to financially have a job that would allow me to live in this urban area, at least I didn't think so until last night.

PORTLAND MAINE!

Have you heard of it? I haven't until last night, but in researching it, I may have drove through it one night like 8 years ago-- which isn't much of a connection.

I saw a job posting for an organization that helps foreign college students come to America and become camp counselors for the summer. My job would take place in very downtown office in Portland and spend my days connecting with camps across the United States and connecting them to foreign summer staff.

This is my new dream job, it has: Urban city, old brick buildings, camp, lots of camp connections, administrative work, communication driven.  Though I never thought this before, I think I would love to work with foreign college students. I think this would give me great ministry opportunity, it would be fun, very different and new from what I am doing right now. I just google maps it, It would take me 46 hours to drive to this place, or 7.5 hours to fly to this place. That is far! It is opposite sides and ends to the US. Right now I live 1.5 hours from Mexico, if I moved to Portland ME, I would be 3 hours from Canada. Very different culture. I live in a very remote place, there is 25 people living in my 5 mile radius-- and on 3 sides of me, you would have to go 15-20 miles in rough mountain terrian to find any other residents.  I don't even know how many people would live on my block in Portland, I think it would be well over 25 people though.

I found the cutest apartment to live in. I think it would be a 4 minute walk to my job (I currently have a 7 minute walk to my job)

And look at how cute of an building this apartment is in and how life my street would look like: 

This gets me excited. I don't know if its the right time for this at all. There are some really big scary things involved in the process of making this my life-- like moving, having to actually pay rent, getting the job, finding friends, new culture of people. But it is fun to think about, it is fun to dream. I may even apply and see if this could become a reality...maybe I will.