Tough Skin

This week has been filled to the brim with tough situations and problems for me. When you are in the middle of all of these hard things, you all of a sudden realize that you either A. have tough skin or B. Soft skin.

Today while I was sitting on my desk trying to put out two fires that I accidentally created, a bomb went off-- one more giant conflict that I don't know how to handle. I realized that I have really really soft skin.

Soft skin can be nice, it feels smooth. But when the going gets tough, you wish you had those callouses, you wish you weren't getting cut up by all the things you are trying to fix. But you just can't change who you are.

Yesterday sitting at my desk, I felt so low. I didn't know how to make everything go away, I didn't know how to escape it all. I didn't know how to make it right with people. Oh how I wished it was easy. I wish I didn't have to have the hard conversations. I wish I didn't get my self into these messes. I wish I didn't just freeze at the conflicts and wish I wasn't there instead of being brave and tackle'ing them gracefully and smoothly. I wish my insides didn't feel like they are about to explode.


This whole mess is from a building that was scheduled to be completed in October, and is still not done. We thought we were being smart and gave ourselves a two month buffer just in case construction had a few hiccups. Now we are 2 months past the move-in day. We had that building booked, as well as almost every other building that we have. Meaning that we do not have very many options to make things right for people. Without any clear vision on when this mess is going to be over. We don't know when the building is going to be done.

Then...
Summer booking is also stressing me out. WE HAVE SO MUCH interest in having people at camp this summer. SO MUCH INTEREST!!!! I have no where to put anyone and it KILLS me to say "no, I don't have that open" over and over and over again. I really really want to have everyone to have this epic camp experience with us. But I can't make it happen.

I have made booking mistakes in the past. I have said "yes" to a group that I really should not have said "yes" to and now we are stuck having really bad flow of people in a week at camp. There are a few of these weeks.

Today is my day off, and though I am sitting on my couch at my house, my mind is stuck on all the things at work. My heart is breaking about all the hard things that I faced yesterday and have to continue to face tomorrow.

My boss has a lot of really really hard things on his plate this week. Way more big of things than I have. I know he knows that I am really with some hard work things, but he only knows of 1 of the 5 issues that I am working through. He doesn't need to know, but I feel really dishonest by not letting him know what is going on. Even though I know he has so many other things and doesn't have time for my issues.

I cannot wait until everything settles, until there are no fires to be put out, until there is no question that what a group booked is what they can use for their camp.

I do not have the right kind of skin to handle all this conflict and hurt.  Maybe this will help toughen me up.