Seeing the HOW Bad, not just the not good

If you ask me, "are you a Christian?" I would quickly say "yes" in response. I work at a Christian camp; I understand the message of salvation, I know how to pray, I can answer Bible questions, I have had amazing encounters with the Trinity over the years.

If I was asked, "how are you modeling your life after Christ for the past 6 months?" I don't know what I would say.
I keep like I have continued to learn about God, I feel like I have seen him all around me. I can easily pray if you ask me to pray, but following him or modeling my life after him? I have been faking it. And been faking it so well that I think I have deceived even myself.


I am very aware of how much I need to improve in my walk with Christ, but I have turned a blind eye to how BAD I am in my walk with Christ right now. I don't think I am even walking; I am just learning and pretending to let it change my life.

This week 2 thinks have made me aware of this. I started a new book,"Making your Emotions Work for you" and I have been listening to Bridgetown's vision series, Practicing the way. http://bridgetown.church/teaching/practicing-the-way/practicing-the-way/ I am not in good shape. So much so, I haven't started to process to get myself into good shape. I have a lot to work on, I need to improve my habits, I need to improve how I see myself. But I am thankful that I love a follow a God that will accept me where I am at right now. Who will love me and change me even though I have been avoiding a life of following Him, Keeping my distance and relying on myself for this overly long season? My relationship with the Lord isn't about me. But it is me being open and transparent to be who the Lord needs me to be.

I am afraid to be real with God. I know that right now I can cry out to him and he will be with me. But it is so easy to walk away, and I want to be done with this out-of-this On-again, off-again cycle with him.

I feel like I am missing the big point, and am too afraid to dig into find-out what the point is. Fear consumes me. I am not emotionally ready to dive in. But I think the only way I will be ready, is to dive in. Sometimes I think I don't believe the things I think I believe in. Sometimes I am really bothered by not knowing how everything works together and having so many unanswered questions and situations.

I am still thinking through this. Pray for me.