It came!

I've been waiting and look at what came in the mail today! This surely has the worst cover ever, but I have heard such great things about it. I feel a great need inside of me (Holy Spirit prompting is my guess of that) to read it and excited to see what The Lord will teach me about him from this book. 

Hurt feelings and a scared heart

I've been a little sensitive lately. There's a new girl at camp. She is living at my house, just moved in last night. I had a really really hard time adapting to this earlier this week. And I tried to talk to Katie about it and she shut me down hard. She pretty much told me I'm not allowed to have feelings because I live at camp. This really really hurt me! I was warned by my boss's wife that she would hurt me, but it still hurts. I HATE that people don't understand me. I hate that people don't understand HOW HARD it is to be single, and to live in a way that you can't feel at home where you live because you aren't married. This all happened on the way to my really special bible study at church, where Katie is in my small group. Making me feel now even shut-down there. I really want to throw in the towel of having relationships with people. I hate feeling hurt and people hurt you. I don't know what to do with Katie. She isn't one that you can approach. She doesn't understand that people besides her has feelings too. I have been thinking about leaving camping ministry and go out and getting a normal job. Living in a normal apartment and living a normal life. It seems so ideal-so easy, so grown-up! But, I know from my praying adventures in January about that other job, I'm not ready to leave and I can't run away from my problems/discontentment. 

I am struggling in praying for reals lately. I have fear in trusting The Lord. I know that isn't his will, but it isn't something I have overcome yet. Moving forward is hard. Praying about the inability to pray is as well. BUT I know i need to push through. I know that I have influences that are trying to kill me, but I can't let that consume me or overtake me!

Bible study homework from last week: 

Ode to discipline (anti-poetry style)

We all know the secret to weightloss; eat less, work-out more. We all know how to get closer to The Lord; read the bible, pray to him, have faith. These are basic and easy. But for both I manage towork really hard at making it harder. I can't make myself eat-less, so I do a diet. I buy a book that tells me 10 small changes I need to make to make the pounds disappear. We do this in our faith as well. We read books about God, we talk about God, we want more of a relationship with God, but I don't do what I actually need to do to be closer. 

It takes discipline. Each of the things need to be down aren't hard to do, but you have to build your life around doing them, and making it so you ARE doing it. 

I sluff off a lot. Even though it's not that hard to be discipline, it's so easy NOT to be. Becoming closer to The Lord takes some brainpower, vulnerability and energy--watching TV?.. ZERO! 

I am now working on living a life of discipline. It's hard. I have to change my mindset. My routine. My whole lifestyle actually. But I'm living better; with more purpose. And I love that. I'm also a different person, and that needs to be. 

I ordered " the power of a praying women" and going to start the real and intense Gideon study from Priscilla shirer. Though these are both NOT the bible, I feel The Lord wanting me to know and grow in him through these resources. So, I'm going to do it, and hopefully, I will be a complete and new person, a better, stronger person, and have The Lord flowing out of me in an vast unmeasurable way. 

Stuck in a funk

I should have a LOT to blog about. I decided to change my health lifestyle (cutting sugar and not having dessert until my birthday--started daily doing 30 day shred, hiking 5 miles (uphill 950 ft)) Bible study started up again- it's amazing, love what we are doing, a few new group members, but the core of us are the same.  I finished reading Acts, and have been intentional about reading my bible a lot lately. 

I'm kinda in a funk--all three of these I feel like they deserved their own whole post, they are big deals in my life- but I don't have the processing ability to go through any of them. 

I'm struggling in growing in The Lord...a lot. Right now I have the discipline to be reading the bible- I spend 15 minutes or more doing so a day(on average) I love hearing the stories of how God is changing doing in people's lives--he has indeed changed and transformed mine. But this funk I am in is keeping and blocking me from true vulnerability with The Lord- I just feel stuck. I've been really quiet. Like I have nothing to stay. I feel better when I isolate myself. I feel better when I isolate myself from my own thoughts.  Not in a way of dark thoughts, but lack of thoughts and wondering why I have no thoughts. 

Today I sat down in my boss's office very causally and admidst our lighthearted conversation. He said he has been really grumpy lately and can't figure out what's wrong and that he is waiting to get out of it. 

Moods are strange, I've been so caught up in mine that I missed that he has been in the same funk and we spend 8 hours a day 30 feet apart. 

Gotta work this issue out. It really effects who I am.

Hike in the woods

Today I finally got my friend Katie to go hiking with me. And as we hiked the conversation of boys came up... I have told her about skip, but we haven't really talked about him a lot. 

I have a really hard time explaining skip, and I don't really know how to tell people in general, and specifically this friend about this neat/yet complex journey I am on with this. Katie asked me when the last time I talked to him was --it was about 2 months ago. And she wanted to know why I don't push that more. 

In reality, I would love to talk to him more, but I don't feel right about pushing me on him. I don't think he is ready for full-force Becky, and I don't want to be THAT girl who is winning-over some guy. 

And, I am very certain that God has a lot more faith-building work in me, that needs to be done before he can show me his faithfulness within this relationship.

I am in a big phase right now where skip himself doesn't matter-- me being obedient to God through skip does... 

I wish I could verbally explain that in a way that makes sense. It doesn't fully make sense, that's the problem. But I think that is a big fun part of this journey.

Fake nails

So there's a women in my women's bible study who has AMAZING finger nails. After 6 weeks of being in this group together, I finally asked her about her nails. She buys them in a box at target and sticks them on every 2 weeks! 

That's easy! I bought them today for  $5.40 and Katie put them on while we watched a tv show. They look amazing. I'm obsessed!

A blend of fear and jealousy mixed with a little doubt

I'm having a day where I am overwhelmed by God and keep thinking about the big picture of who he is. I read this verse below this morning:

And I don't really get it. How can you be saved and not have the Holy Spirit? Can that happen to people now? Does the Holy Spirit go in and out of people? What does it mean by they spoke in tongues and prophesied? Why?  Is that proof that the Holy Spirit lives in us? 

I'm unsettled and have lots of questions running through me ...obviously. 

AND I facebooked stalked skip tonight. There was a picture of him sitting in a chair getting a haircut from another guy with a caption that read " this is what we had to resort to Katie , since you are gone" 

It made me really jealous! By Facebook stalking her. I now know that she is skinny and pretty and travels like skip does and obviously in his circle.

I normally don't allow myself to go down this tunnel of doubt. But what if skip goes ahead and marries this girl? What do I do? Both in life and in my faith with God. That could happen! Easily!! I really don't know what my next steps would be. 

I guess that is part of faith. You can't see the end and know how you are going to get there when you are in faith. You just gotta trust! 

Charismatic fear

Do you ever have deep eye-opening thoughts during church worship? 

I definitely do, often. I think this is rooted in me not being musical:)

So today during worship at church, my mind wondered and I figured out my fear of the Holy Spirit.

I am afraid that if I become deeply in tune with the Holy Spirit, I may have to be apart of a Christian culture that I am really uncomfortable with--Healing, speaking in tongues, propheticy, crazy dancing lady in the back, being that overzealous person who awkwardly pray over people unexpectedly. That could be me, if I am intune to the Holy Spirit. God could call me to be this person that I think is weird and amuncomfortable to be around, and don't understand how God is and apart of this spiritualness.

Reading acts this past week, makes me realize I would be really uncomfortable with what was going on in the early church. Very strange things happened- healings--a lot of healings, standing on the corners and churches and preaching... Like those people who weird me out now on the street corners. God created earthquakes that opened up jails, and did all of these crazy things. 

-I don't think I would be willing to believe in God at the time of acts, it would be too mind-blowing for me to handle. But now, though I think after being able to read the full Bible gives me the ability to see God more than the people in the Bible did. And though I'm still at the point of scared, God is real, and does things, and asks of things more than i am really comfortable in doing. And I guess I need to step out and be willing to be obedient to The Lord and His spirit even at the risk of being one of the crazy, rediculous Christian that I am so fearful of  being. I need to be open to being that, for the sake of being close to The Lord. 

My place: pray'n

It's been awhile, but tonight I went to "my place" and prayed for real -out loud. In this time I said this to God over and over again, 

"Lord please make trusting the Holy Spirit not make my stomach feel funny, and that though I don't understand all that it means- that I would learn quickly how to listen, obey and follow 100% and that the Holy Spirit would be as active and dependant in me as my organs." 

--not a direct quote, don't actually remember the exact words and it was a little different each time. BUT...

I need my life to be different and I need to be close to and follow The Lord, and I need to be in a place where following the Holy Spirit doesn't make my stomach gurgle each time I think of it. I need to step it up and be more of a faithful follower of The Lord. 

Recovering from yesterday

So after the whole issue I had last night. I did go to bible study.--there really wasn't a question about that--but I really couldn't talk much because the girl I was really mad at was there, and I wasn't really ready to not be mad anymore. It's was okay content wise. Katie at the end talked about how she often avoids spemding time with The Lord--all the time and most of the group agreed with that, and I feel like I am entering a season of my life where I don't feel like that 100% of my life, but was really anger and left of no value last night. 

Leaving that and going home,I got a text in a few minutes. It was from the girl I was really mad at: it said this:

"Hey I wanted to apologize for today. The past couple days I've been freaking out about summer and oe and office stuff. And I should have handled some things today differently."

I was really mad, and I did not want to accept her apology at all because I felt like it excuses all bad behavior-but you HAVE TO accept apologies" so I spent a little time writing my response, this is what I put:

"I accept your apology, thank you for that.

 It really hurts me when you choose to do program work for _______when he has 3 other staff that support him in programs full-time. You are my only other teammate in all of the retreats that happen, and your time to work is limited in that because of registration and activities. 

I know and understand stress and having lots on your plate, and I try to really be understanding of that, it's really a hard place to be. 

Please forgive me for having moments where I am not as understanding as I should be. "

I felt good about this because I gave forgiveness, but made it very clear why I was hurt by her actions.-and I think the only reason I got this apology is because she overhead my conversation with my boss about how it's not working out and I need help. 

I really had a pity party of having no value and having to ask for help and being kinda told I should be able to handle more than I am-- and feeling I need to walk away and left someone who is better than me fill my shoes. This morning listening to Dave's podcast he said " You were placed in your job in your organization because you are the right person for your role, or at least you are the best person for that role right now. Some of you will say I was not prepared for this role, or I never wanted to be in a leadership role like this and yet there you are. You are the right person for right now. You influence in the best possible way with the limited knowledge and experience, tools and resources you have. You are that person for the organization and for yourself"

 there was more, but I'm not good at quoting. This podcast really impacted me. I am new, I have limited experience, I don't have it all figured out but I was put here in this job for a reason- both for me and for camp. 

Ps it's a great podcast! Listen at http://coachingforleaders.com/podcast/secret-happiness/

Okay, I'm going to read my bible for a while then meet up with a new friend from church. 

Thanks for walking with me through my emotions yesterday. I appreciate this outlet. 

Xoxo

-Becky 

Feel'n no value

So after my last post, I went back to work, and after a while my boss asked me what was wrong and that liars become pillars of dusk--just like lot (that's unbiblical) 

So I went into his office and laid it all out for him. And I think he thinks I'm being rediculous, and that I can handle everything that I need to do. And gave me 1 quick fix for the problem I am having. Well,now I feel like crap. I feel all the more unvalued and uncapible and feel like what's the point of me being here--really what is the point? I feel like I can never get along with people who work here. There are so many other capable people who could do my job and obviously better and more efficient than me. Why am I here? Why am I told to stay? I am really struggling with that. I feel really alone. I am scheduled to be at bible study right now-camp bible study--and it's the last place I want to be. I just want to cry. I want to be where I feel value and that I fit in and can do a good job of where I need to be. 

Plus side: 

Tonight's sunset

Value within the job

Today, a girl in my office who is suppose to help me, asked me make and update the big calendar because she didn't have enough time to get that done. Then proceeded to go into a meeting where they joked around for 40 minutes trying to decide what logo they want to use for a camp for summer. 

I am really bothered and upset with this. I have SO MUCH on my plate, and I know my job is of value and importance to the ministry of camp. But I feel like no one here's acknowledges that, or even recognizes how much I work and barely get what needs to be done, done. Staff members are always coming in and asking me to do things for them. This girl who is suppose to help me, doesn't even do the minimum I have put on her plate. 

I really feel undervalued and so insignificant to this place. I feel like if I up and left they would feel the hit of all that I do, but in reality, I am replaceable. Lots of people could do what I do. 

So now that we established I have an issue, I can't solve it by quitting my job. How do I move forward in making things go better to my boss without communicating that I think I'm the shit, which apparently, I think I am-- and how do I fix this  complex of mine? 

Journal of thoughts I wrote before this blogpost: