A Rough Night at Camp to Complete My Already Tough Week

Today I talked with my boss about how I do not have tough skin.

It started this morning. I caught him up on everything that I have been negotiating with the groups coming up. He was mad about what I did. He didn't express it, instead just went silent, like I didn't say anything to him at all. His face read that he wasn't okay about something the entire day. He kept hanging out in my office, but not saying anything. That's when you know something is really wrong, but normally when he does that, he isn't mad at me.

So here we were in the office after dinner, and I asked him what was bothering him so much. I knew it was something, but I didn't think he would answer me. I figured I would get, "Becky stop asking me, I'm fine" as an answer. But he told me. He told me that he was really bothered by the discount that I gave to the group that we were bending over backwards for. Which I was too, I was really upset and struggling with the entire situation.

We had a really good talk though, I, of course cried, because I cry now ALL the TIME. I was going to recap the whole thing, but I can never remember how the different pieces came together, I can not get it right.

Here is the highlights though:

•  I need to get tough skin, though I can handle the easy, be friends, come along side the group. I need to work on being brave and handling the roughness and conflict with groups
• I can't let things get to me, I need to shake them off and not let the hardships effect me, if I don't let them go, they can effect the rest of my life. 
• My boss knew all the thoughts I have been having the past week. He said "I know what you are going through, you want to just hid and escape it all. You don't want to be around to deal with the problem, you just want to disappear" Yeah, he nailed that to the T. He actually gave very specific thoughts that I have been having after that paragraph. I was quite impressed how he understood my feelings so well. 
• Its not all my fault, I am not failing at everything that I am doing, I need to stop thinking that I am. There are a lot of other people also involved in why everything is a mess. I am just the one who is  getting the heat from it. 
• That I can actually do well in a conflict. As long as I am brave and face it. 

I just went down to camp to help reset some things with the needy group that I gave a discount to. CAMP WAS A MESS!! They needed so much. They may be one of the most needy groups that I have ever worked with. They had a special room for their pastors where they served them special food on fancy platters. They moved into meeting rooms that they weren't assigned to, They needed beds to be moved around, they needed to have special private sleeping quarters. They asked our weekend staff to drive them down to town to get food. They needed all their special dishes washed, they didn't bring their own bedding, they were constantly asking and needing so much stuff! And I feel like a fool for giving them a discount. I feel abused by how I went out of my way to make the set-up good for the group and they just walk all over us. I am thankful that they are leaving tomorrow. I am such a push-over and I hate it. I don't know if I got it in me to be as brave as I need to be to do my job as well as it needs to be done. 

The biggest self-doubt thought I have, which I am having now is this "Do I need to quit my job? do I need to walk away so that someone better and more skilled than me can take my place and make everything go better? Am I still around simply because they have no legal reason to fire me? Is everyone is secretly wishing in their heads that I leave, so that someone better can take my place?" 

I hate it because I often think, "Yes, I do need to go, I don't have what it takes, I need to move over so that someone (which is really anyone else) can step in and do the job right." And that really really hurts my self-esteem. It really makes me feel worthless. It makes me wonder how disposable my job and life really is.