Be your real self.

My mom is pretty amazing. I was talking to her the other night on the phone-- we were talking about her emotions. She has less than most people. My mom has this amazing ability to not be jealous of people. I sometimes joke about how my mom made me insensitive to people's feelings because her feelings are so hard to hurt. She never feels jealous of people. She doesn't feel left out.
She is happy for people when they do things with their friends. She doesn't feel jealous that she didn't get an invite. She doesn't feel left out when people don't include her, she is just genuinely happy that people she knows get to have fun together with or without her.
She doesn't feel this need to be better than people. She desires to look nice, but never to show up or to look better than other people. She isn't flashy, she doesn't care if her car is washed and shiny, she doesn't care if she has the new and latest thing. In fact, she doesn't even like the new and latest things. She is a garage sale enthusiast, she loves a good deal. She loves to have a nice neat house--not to impress people, but she just  likes things to be nice and clean. She LOVES to decorate, again, never to impress, but because she likes decorations and she loves to arrange and make things look her style.

A lot of this has been passed down to me. But not all of it. I do struggle with not fitting in. I feel a need to have a perfectly clean house when people come over, to make it look like I have it all together. (well it depends on the people, once you have been here 4 times I could care less) I try to look thin, I try to look put together, I try to look like I have a good base of friends and that I am not a complete mess. In wanting to look my best, I often don't feel jealous when I don't live up to par.

I do feel that jealousy when it comes to people's online appearance.

Which is stupid, it is universally known that you can manipulate your true self online so easily. It is one of the only places where you can make it so that your true self is never seen by people.
But I still get so incredibly jealous. I don't know how to make myself look amazing like some many people do. I don't know to make myself be as amazing as people online are. There are a lot of people who always have perfect hair, perfect make-up, perfect outfits and talk about how they are a mess-- and I feel like I couldn't look that put together on a good day.

It's one of those things about me that I don't understand about myself. Why do I let that get to me? How does people's online experience effect me more than real people I know?

I haven't really thought about this before. Earlier today I got really really jealous of a "mommy blog" not in a way that I was really jealous that I'm not a "mommy" but in how well put together this girl's life was. And as I was thinking these awful thoughts about her, I identified how jealous I was feeling, and had all of these thoughts of the same feel when I read a lot of people's blogs. Though I don't really read that many blogs because It makes me feel so bad about myself.

I hope this isn't discouraging to you. I hope you don't stop reading my blog from this. I do not want my blog to discourage in a way that you feel that I am trying to one-up or make myself to be better than I am or appear to be superior. That is the last thing in the world that I desire. I want this to be a place for me and you to read and see the true realest of real Becky that you can see.

I think blogging is where I feel most transparent. Those who read by blog get a different side of me than anyone else. Maybe that is where the root of all my issues-- Online is where I am the realest, and I feel hurt when people are fake in my safe zone. I don't know if you get that. In a way, that seems silly to me.

Anyway, I feel like this post has completely lost its focus and doesn't have a chance for a graceful ending. So all in all, I have a great mom who taught me not to care about the new and fancy things of this world. Some of that, thankfully, rubbed off on me, but not all, and I need to diligently work and get over being jealous of people I don't know and don't actually interact with in real life.