Jumbo-up, bedtime thoughts

I often have these moments before bed where I feel like I need to blog because there are lots of significant things going on, or things I'm thinking about or things that are shaping into the person I am becoming. But, since I didn't process it in the moment I end up laying on my bed feeling jumbo up in my head because all of these things are bundling up on each other... I'm having that moment right now. I actually get it often, but instead of writing anything or processing it, I decide to forget it and watch Dick Van Dyke show and fall asleep. 

I reconnected with an old friend this week. He wished me happy birthday on Facebook and that started a chain of lots of long conversations. He is about to do some really cool yet risky things with his career. I was the first non-family member that he told about it. I feel incredibly honored and excited to see where this journey takes him. 

I feel like I am getting dull in my faith, like I don't feel a need to actually trust God in anything. Only if I pretend to it will all work out. And I have become passive and don't want to put in the work for faith to know and grow in that relationship. I often get in this boat. It's awful. I need to get out fast before I have long-term consequences for this lazy and stupid pit-fall. 

I don't know what my immediate future is going to look like. And I am really fearful that I'm wasting away my life. I just turned 28, I feel like my life needs to look different if I'm going to bethis old. How do I move forward and get this going? 

I hear all these stories if people taking risks and being very inventive and doing something big, and in that they develop all these skills and become worthy of being a star of a documentary, have a Wikipedia page about you, or even being in books/writing books. But I don't take risks. What do I need to do to be something more than I am right now? I feel like I'm very stuck in a unhealthy way. 

Mostly,  I want to buy really cute earrings from forever 21, shoes from tieks(the cool ballet flats that cost almost $200 a pair), Paula's choice face care products and all the home decor things I like from tj maxx and target. But I'm on a budget, so both the $2.80 earrings and the $175.00 flats are out if the question. Which makes me want them all the more! 

Small groups are booking for camp. We have 3 in December right now and I booked 3 groups for jan 1-may31TODAY! I hope the trend of me being overwhelmed with the number of inquiries and bookings continue. I really want to have a strong spring and summer for 2015!------ I am preparing myself to leave this place, why am I so excited about a victory that I don't want to be around to see. Why is it when I think about the future of camp I'm all in and so exciting for it, yet experiencing the here and now makes me want to flee. 

I'm messed up. 

I missing being really young and really concerned about doing a fun thing each moment of my life. And having plenty of time to do everything thinking that 28 was old. Out of reach, old, and now, here I'm am.  

Forth blog of the day-- dang someone needs to process their life!!

I've been a crazy person for about a week. All because of a decision that my boss made (yep that's right, it is the boss that I typically praise) 

He informed me and my two roommates that a very immature, needy, understands no boundaries, mean, naive co-worker of mine is moving into my house. This is the 1of many waves of really crappy people that have moved into my house. I am so mad on so many levels. 

1. My great boss (at least that's what,  That I had trust)  just threw me under the bus-in a big way. And  he seems to feel that he is doing nothing wrong-- "there are 4 single women at camp, that's why you are all living together?" 

2. My friends who I pretty much live at their house is leaving CA in 5 weeks (Katie and Jack) I was finally confident that i was going to be okay, I now have a roommate  that I am friends with, and my house is starting to feel like home. That whole defense of mine is now shattered! Home is becoming hell again!!

3. Life is going to be sucked out of me by this girl that I loath! 

4. It goes to show me yet again that being single in this place makes you worthless. Married ppl dont get dumped with crappy roommates, they get guest rooms, while this girl I though is getting moved into a room that is suppose to be a den that we current use for storage and as awork-out room.

I think if this was the first burned I receivedI would be okay. But this is too many. I feel like I'm going to crumble up and die. I dont even feel like running, it's too late, and I'm now stuck,dying. 

It hard because I have to fake so much happiness in this! 

And I have to keep faking a smile, or saying that everything is okay, telling ppl that my day is going great. When all I am doing is brewing inside about how quickly the crappy life is coming to me and that I'm about to die emotionally. 

#sw said what I needed to hear, thanks twitter!

I just needed to read this today:

I calmly and collectly talked to my boss today about the things he was doing g that entangled me in anger. It won't solve anything outside of curing  incredible mucky feelings inside of me. But, for right now, that is enough. There is time to figure out the rest later. 

Brewing

I'm sitting at my desk right now, so angry at my boss. I think that I need to talk to him, but I'm so mad at him. I feel like he doesn't deserve or want to hear HOW mad I am at him. I don't think that I am that special, but I do know that me leaving job at this moment would really hurt both my boss and business of camp. So much of me want to just stop and screw them over. It's wrong really wrong, but I feel like that's the only way to make my hurt feelings justified. I think in this moment I understand cutting because I want to to anything to justified my pain towards others, if that pain was pointed back at my self- well it makes sense in this twisted mindset. (Ps I am NOT going to walk out on my job or cut myself--I got enough self control at this moment to prevent that) 

I know they hard moments will past, but man does it suck in the here and now. 

Mary Tyler Moore

I think I want to live a mary Tyler Moore life. I am thinking about moving to minnesota and living in an old, but super cute industrial apartment. Finding a job close by and having a downtown life. I really like mary, and if she did it; so can I! She lived in Minneapolis, I was thinking about red wing, Rochester or an older historical city in that area. I have one friend from there, I may be able to convince her to get a place together. 

Current life dreams and conditions

I really want and need someone to come up to me and offer me a brand new life "here you go Becky, a new cute apartment, fully furnished-in things you love, a brand new car, and ideal parking location, a fabulous job doing things you love within walking distance from your new home, in a cute charming neighborhood, a healthy growing church you will love with tons of people you will love, and they love you in this great community environment-- and a gym, and outdoor running place that is safe and pretty" 

Instead, I am stuck in reality, stalking the 3CA website hoping a job that will hire me pops-up, thinking about going back home and living with my parents and looking for something close to them. Thinking and hoping something will happen that I can get out of here without sabatoging my career life for the rest of my life. 

Something borrowed

At this very moment I am watching the movie "something borrowed" and i am overwhelmed by the amount of affairs that happen on tv. I am scared that I am going to be one of those women. The one who messes with marriages, one who has to watches a relationship with someone married-- and be the one sleeping secretly with the husband.  ----Being stuck in this place where you have nothing but a secret to hold onto, and lots and lots of hurt in the mix. 

I'm not confessing to any affair or a desire to have one-- I feel like I should make that clear. 

But I see how easy it can be in one, how easy it is to keep it up. How easy it is to become so deeply hurt in that. 

I have become very careful with any of my friend's husbands. I have become careful with bosses, and really any married men in my life. 

I have a family member who is 5 years older than me who is now living with the guy she had an affair with. My mom told me this today, and she really likes the guy,  he is WAY better to her and her kids than my brother ever was. 

But it just emphasis how many affairs go on. I hate the secrecity of it. I hate how we are taught not to take people at their word. That what we see going on, is often not what is actually is going on in life. Sure i love it in movies-you get the birds eye view, know ALL the secrets going on-- but real life, it hurts. A lot!

USA's very own Latin America

I applied for a job today. I did it! I applied. I have been thinking about applying for another one. I am going to do that tomorrow during work. 

A new job was posted on the job board today, at a place unlike any place that I ever seen, that isn't like me at all. - But somehow, I really like it, I'm most excited about it. 

It's a camp that gives you an experience of living in a third world country; experience living in the slumps,not owning anything, eating gross food, cleaning your own water to see and experience what 2/3's of the world lives through everyday. 

I don't eat beans, I have never been on a mission trip, I in fact don't support most short-term mission trips, but this, this seems so different. It's all about you experiencing these foreign places without making yourself so "holy" for those poor people that you are helping. I think having people go through and have this experience of getting over themselves here, then actually gives them the ability to serve when they are on a short term missions trip. 

Lately, from the conversations that people have sparked up around me and the master plan of skip's I figured I would end up in Latin America. I didn't think that a Latin America reenactment place in America existed, let alone a place I could end up.

 I obviously aren't going there yet, I haven't even applied yet. But it is neat to go through the experience of visualizing my life looking different than my master plan and being excited about something that would seem absolutely terrifyingly 5 months ago.

This place is so unlike Becky- I can't believe I am considering it, excited about pursuing it--I might be done dragging my heals and steeping boldly towards God 

Self-less or worth-less

I am really really struggling in this moment, it's one of those moments you know will pass but right now, everything seems as though you are being personally attacked and the world is ending.

I feel like i suck at my job, one of my closest friends here is 2-3 months from leaving, and i just found out a person i really really struggle being around is moving into my house. 

I FLIPPING WANT TO RUN! 

My living situation has been rough here since I started, it's been really really bad to somewhat bad a few times around since I have been here. I just want it to be good. I want to enjoy being at home. I am almost 28, and I feel like I am stuck in a 22 year old life style. I want to move on with my life. I want to live my age. I think I need to make a plan and start changing my life- my whole life. Not just challenge myself to change my relationship with God. 

I am scared to change my life, It could get worst. 

 I really want stability and I don't think that I can get that here.

I hate that I am alone in this. I want a husband to cry with right now. 

Think like a blog

TToday I was driving around the mountain- thinking, and in the middle of my thought, i realized that I now think in the same way I write in this blog-- I explain my thoughts in story form-- I think about background things involving the situation. Telling and explaining it to myself. And as I thought about it, I realized I have started or completely written so many blogs in my head that have never made it to this page. 

Now onto my thoughts:

I feel like every year of my adult life is significant. Something big and new happened- I always moved- always had new struggles. I probley won't move this year, and my life will basically look the same this year as it did last year. 

 But I want to make this year significant. I want to change my life in some way-- in a way that will make me more like Jesus.

 I have thought about adding a lengthy devo time to my day- starting to intentionally praying for skip everyday, being way more deep into Gods word than I have ever been. 

I have been building lots of walls around myself-- I need to start tearing them down and being real in The Lord. 

I have rediculous fears; trust issues with God and believing that he speaks to me, arrangimg my future with a man named Skip. And this creeps into every area of my life. 

On Sunday, I watch "our story, with Chris Brown" this clip of life changed with a person within our church that they shoe about once a month. In this weeks, they shared about a mom who went through a hurtful divorce that made her two sons very very hurt, and to get out of their house, they went to church, the sons needed a place to have fun, laugh-- and the impact that their kids had-- feeling loved by these people. The mom felt support in raising her kids by these leaders which changed their lives.

As I heard these words, I felt really convicted. 

I think all about me, especially at my job. I need to stop that and think about others and serve them well when they are at camp. I really really need to step it up, and forget about myself-- my entitlement issues are killing me and my spirit and my ability to serve others.  

Got me some kale

I have a fear of kale, and I decided to face it today by making a kale and strawberry smoothie--- midway through though, I added some Greek yogurt and raspberries, I think I really needed these additions, the frozen strawberries where blending and the kale was just a little to green for me. 

In the end tastes pretty good, it's nice and thick!

Ps I bought this kale about a year and a half ago, but have been to afraid to do anything with it until today!

PPS it was frozen kale, should maybe clarify that :) 

Proud email writer!

As I have mentioned before, where I work is in need of having many many more people to come for this fall and I wanted to put together an email that made people very aware that is not too late to come to camp, but not sound like we are DESPERATE for people. 

I really like the email that I put together... So proud that I thought I would share it with you all, before I get a response from my boss on it! 

Read and hopefully enjoy! 

________________________________

Hi [Group leader name],

We greatly enjoyed having your group from [Insert group name] here at camp last year, I wanted to include you in our autumn update email for this fall. We would love to have you back, let me know if any of the dates works for you.

Thanks,

Becky

Autumn Retreat Planing Update from [Camp name]!

Hope you had an amazing summer! We had a great time here at [camp name]. Be sure to check-out our website [camp website] to see all the things that happened here this past summer.

As we begin fall many things are getting started; kids in school, new jobs, and for some, planning of the events calendar for your ministry.

We have hosted your group here in autumn in the past, and would love to host your retreat here again. We wanted to make it as easy as possible to add “[camp name] Retreat” to your calendar and have listed all of our openings at camp for you and see and pick-out one that works best for your group.

If one of the dates works for your group, reply to this email or give me a call and we can start the  booking process.

We are sending this email out to many groups so reply quickly to ensure that your group can come on your ideal dates.

Fall 2014 [camp name] camp openings:

September 27-29 : Space for a 40-60 person group in dorm style housing

October 3-5: Space for a 35-55 person group in both dorm and motel style housing

October 10-12: Space for 40-60 person group in motel style housing

October 31-November 2: Space for multiple groups, groups can be up to 80 people large, all housing is dorm style

November 14-16: Space for multiple groups, group size can range from 15-160 people; most housing is dorm style, 5 motel rooms available

November 28- 30: Space for multiple groups, group size can range from 15-160 people, all housing is dorm style

December 5-7: Space for multiple groups, group size can range from 15-320 people, all dorm and motel housing available

December 12-14: Space for multiple groups, group size can range from 15-320 people, all dorm and motel housing available

December 20-22: Space for multiple groups, group size can range from 15-320 people, all dorm and motel housing available

December 26-28: Space for multiple groups, group size can range from 15-320 people, all dorm and motel housing available

December 28- December 31: Space for multiple groups, group size can range from 15-280 people, all dorm and most motel housing available

***Please note that we have a December discount, and all groups that book a retreat during December 2014 will receive $20.00 off per person for the weekend.

We also have open spots in 2015! Let us know if you are interested in having a retreat, and we can check availability for you.

Thanks for reading! Let me know if you have questions or would like to set-up a retreat. 

[my contact info]

Apology and fake blog

I wrote this blog below this morning. And I hate it! I hate that I wrote it and think that it was okay for me to post it. It's not me. It's me posing, trying to be one of those bloggers who take a stand, has tons of followers. That are really cool and opinionated. If you read my blogs you quickly realize I'm not really good at this whole following Christ thing-- but I made myself sound that way in what I wrote. I HATE blogs and articles that intentionally speak "woe is me" "I chose this great calling, and see how much I suffer and work to be this amazing being"  and what I wrote earlier today is on that track. I don't blog to make stands or opinions, I blog to share my story, thoughts struggles, and real life with you-- for me to go back and see all that I have grown in or consistently need to work on.  Part of me wanted to just delete it and be done with this--- but I felt that just swept my problem under the rug, but I want to be real and make it clear that I don't like that I did this, and want to go back to the Becky way of blogging.
Ps. I do really love the church family photo word art that I put together for that blog. That's really me!
Rebuttals to church articles
I have read so many articles lately on the church- and there has been a common underling theme in them all, the church defines your faith in God, and the only place you will interact with other believers.

I AM NOT here to knock on the church-- I love my church dearly, it has greatly impacted and shaped who I am in Christ.  But, there are so many things in my life that effect and help me grow and know God outside of the church, that we need to give that credit where it is do.

 And let's face it that the millennial life, doesn't always line up with a good church attendee life-style. We move ALL the time (constantly restarting the search of a new church) work strange hours, (sometimes through all 5 service times offered) don't get married til we are old. (Making it so people really don't know what to do with you, outside to set-you up with other people they don't know what to do with--which is just awkward for all) 

So below I listed some of the ways I have God involved in my life in the physical side of living outside of my church involvement:

1. Listen to podcasts as I get ready for the day. I'm not really a morning person. Being still and reading Gods word when I wake-up is asking WAY TOO MUCH! Too much thinking and tiredness wrapped up in this. But listening to podcasts- easy. I don't do it everyday-- sometimes I need to hear "waka-waka" on a loop to convince me to put my jeans on and blow-dry my hair. But when I choose to listen to podcasts, I get lots of wisdom and insight at the start of the day. I learn and remember to love and grow in The Lord -the whole point of this life. With podcasts, you can hear the messages from your church that you may or may not of made it to this past weekend; or any other church of your choosing. It's amazing! 

2. I have friends who love The Lord  I have friends who love Jesus that don't go to my church. In fact, most of my friends love Jesus, but I only have 2 friends that go to my church. Making friends at church is actually hard. Especially when you only go to big church on Sundays. But, there are other amazing Christians in my life that I can be friends with and grow with. Hold on to the christian friends that you made in college, have phone dates with them often. Pray with them over the phone. It's really really weird, but amazing. 

3. I hang out with my co-workers-- and even do bible-study with them i work at a Christian camp, all of my co-workers are Christians and we live on top of this mountain a full hour away from anything- we hang-out a lot. I may not make it to church, but I intentially grow in The Lord amoungst these people, that should count for something right? 

4. I pray and read my Bible

I may not be the best at this, but it's a center theme of going to church, might as well bring that lesson home. And do this even if I didn't get my weekly reminder from that church building, right? 

Remember: it's not about what you know about The Lord, it's about how we love him and love the people in our lives. 

If you hang-out in a church for a couple of weeks, you will quickly learn the two greatest commandments for believers "love The Lord your God with all your heart, soul and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself." Once we know this, we need to actively live it out. 

That crazy foolish girl looks a lot like me

So I've been watching bachelor in paradise this season. On this show, there is this girl who spent about 4 days with this guy and decided that they are soulmates. 

This girl is CRAZY! The guy told her that they need to not break-up, but get to know other people. So this girl goes out and makes-out with a tool in the ocean- and when her dream guy won't take her back- her craziness REALLY COMES OUT! 

She talks and talks and talks about how she knows they are soul mates, how she needs to go and visualize them together, how she is beside herself because she doesn't know what else to do outside of a lame apology to him....

Her and this guy are obviously not soul mates--it's the bachelor for crying out loud--- but this crazy girl kept reminding me of me. And that's really unsettling. 

I have become a person who really trusts my feelings, I don't apply for jobs if it doesn't feel good when I read the description. I didn't talk to skip for a really long time, because I left like I need not to. 

And I do this not because I'm a "spiritual"

person, but I know that the Holy Spirit is in me and speaks to me and that comes out in my gut reaction and feelings. 

Not talking to skip was really hard on me. Really really hard. But I was obedient in it. 

He post this picture on Facebook earlier this week: 

And that caption made me flip out, I knew he either went on a date or got engaged! But, in seeing this post, i felt like I knew I had permission to FINALLY talk to skip, so I commented on the picture this: 

Which lead to us having an hour-long Facebook message last night. 

He just met a girl, they have been officially dating now for 3 days. And though this is NOT good for me what-so-ever, i am doing okay with the news. 

Part of me feels like a fool, but I know that God is bigger than this relationship, and if they do end up married, God is still my God and he had me on this trust journey for some other reason. 

But I'm not there yet. Him dating is not a game changer for me. It's a hard for me-- I feel a little foolish waiting for a guy in a brand new relationship- but I am not showing God faithfulness if it is really easy and convenient to trust him. 

I'm afraid to tell my friends that skip and I talked last night. 

I feel like skip and I's conversation really indicates to them that I should throw in the towel and move on-- and that hanging on to this is as ridiculous as that bachorette girl hanging into that guy. 

But, The Lord is the game-changer in all of this- he makes things that seem foolish really be all about following HIM. 

I am really thankful that skip himself told me about his new girl, and after all this time of silence we are still friends, and can pick things up where we left off. It may not be the ideal, but it is SO MUCH better than what it could be. 

Approaching this wrongly

I hate beans!!! Hate them! They really really gross me out. The smell makes me want to puke. Having it in my mouth makes me gag. 

And in this hate for beans. I don't have any desire to live in another country especially one that's diet is bean intense. I feel pretty confident that I will someday end up somewhere foreign but I will go with my heels dragging. 

I am obsessed in looking at camp jobs. Hoping that one will be posted and it will be the perfect fit for me and I can go and live a life where I don't feel the need to RUN all the time. 

Last night I had a thought and it hasn't left me. "What if the reason I don't ever see a camp job that I want is because I need to pick up my dragging heels and actively pursue working at a camp in Latin America"

If I was ever going to live oversees it was because skip wanted to and I was going to drag my heels in following him. I have never ever thought-or consider moving to Latin America on my own. 

But maybe, I need to consider it. 

I definitely need to pray about it. 

The world and possibilities in it just changed for me now that I have had this mind shift about it. 

What is your worth?

I have been processing my last post, my life, and thinking about what is my issue. 

And in that process, my eyes suddenly want to burst out in tears and my face makes that fake smile motion--the face where you looking like you are trying to appear happy; but the whole room knows you are seconds away from bursting in tears. 

And the whole reason why is that:

I have no feeling of self-worth. 

Right here, right now my life is pointless. I'm not close to my family, I barely have any friends. I'm not impacting lives the way I should be. I'm old and single. I don't have much going for me. My birthday is coming up soon, and noone is going to be around for me to celebrate with, and that really really bothers me, like intense-crying--bothers me. I have no one in my life who is close enough to me to celebrate another year of my life. I am so insignificant that I will just be by myself  (well working all by myself, because I have no life and everyone else does) If I got married, I would only have a few dozen people to invite to that event. Of that, I think only a forth would come, almost all would have to travel because I don't live close to anyone, nor do my people live close to each other. 

I googled "what is your worth" and I didn't really get any answers that helped.

I don't know how to help it, in the here and now. That's why I want to run, flee somewhere where I can have significance. Be significant. 

Run

A lot of things have improved in my life. A lot. I really feel like I can't complain about much, if you compare it to my life a year ago. Even though so much has improved; I don't think I'm better yet. 

I wanted to start this post talking about how things are not okay. How I am having issues at the amount of things said in secret at camp, and how I don't what's being said....

How I feel insecure and uneasy about comments a person made to me at lunch about how I need to sell camp and set-it-up so their husband can get paid. --it made me really feel like I suck more at my job than I think I suck and how I don't want to be a pushy sales person at all. ...Especially for camp, especially since I think our camp is only sub-par. 

I think I am getting burned-out. I don't want to serve people. I don't want to have to remember so many details- I hate having to remember so much stuff at once and not being able to recall all the little details for EVERYTHING! 

Honestly, I think I am still in flee mode like I was in June. I think I have constantly been there since then with pockets of moments where I cover it up with forced content. 

I don't think it's time for me to go yet though, I really don't. Even with everything inside of me screams "run" I have this overpowering feeling that I need to stay. It's not my time. 

But, I just want to run. 

Having quiet time lead me to study Micah

Two posts ago, I mentioned that I needed to go and spend some time with God. And I did. I went to my spot, the big pile rock where I feel like I am in God's territory. Where I need to be real in front of him. Have honest hour with him. 

Yesterday morning, I spent time reading some psalms, proverbs, and a few verses of Acts. I didn't feel like I had direction in what I was to read. 

Then I spent a good hour of my work day looking at those verse word art images, thinking about surrounding my life with more scripture. 

Like this:

And there were a lot from the book of Micah-- and not just Micah 6:6-8.

 Micah who knows anything about that??? The only thing I know about Micah is that conservative Christians name their children "Micah" that's it, outside of Micah 6:6-8

So I started reading the book. I have no clue what it is saying. So I listened to a sermon on it. Hoping it would help me in the process of understanding it.  

Most of it is still a mystery. But I have learn so far it is about a people group who very very slowly lost their loyalty to The Lord, and let their lives be influence by false teachers, who only told them the that good things were to happen. Because people proclaiming good things get more attention and popularity than than bad news prophets. Micah is a lot about calling these false prophets and calling out the people who are living really fake Christian lives. 

I'm not to the end of the book. I haven't figured out all that The Lord wants me to get out of Micah. But I have been challenged in my faith. I have seen how quickly we can justify what we are doing and go down a slippery slope and be falsely following The Lord. 

It's been really good for me to hear. Excited to continue my Micah journey. 

Boat Loaded with Stress: it may be sinking

Finances within my job have been causing me ample amounts of stress. A $40,000 plus group cancelled their retreat last minute-- nothing I can do about it, it's just our lost. The autumn was already really far behind and now, well.. we are in trouble; and I am taking it VERY VERY personally. 

I am failing at my job. I suck and because of it, the camp can potentially crumble. It's not all my fault. I learned that today, but a lot of it is. ALOT! I don't know how to fix it. 

Minimum wage just went up, which  means that the rate of camp just went up, which means it will be harder to book groups at the new price point. And we are at a point where we need lots of new campers. 

I work in an very active and busy place, and today with all the stress that was in my head and the constant need for EVERYONE to stop and have small talk with me. I nearly lost it. I was SO MAD. I can't handle all this stress and issues and no time to work on wrapping my mind around it or make steps in fixing the problem. 

I am not good enough to do this all. I am failing BIG TIME and very very publicly. It's painful, it's hard. 

I work in the business side of a ministry, and that in a way is confusing. Prayer is a  big part of what we do here, and for sure praying for the fiances of camp has become a real prayer. 

Praying and dreaming for 120 person movie crew to stay at camp for 3 weeks, that brings in $200,000.00. That would change everything. Everything. I have smaller prayers/dreams as well. A 4-day school group of 100, times three. Phone calls from people ready to book anywhere we have gaps really.

This specific journey maybe the end of me, or a time that I become refined and sharpened, the unsureness of the results makes it hard to move forward boldly.