2.5 years

I used to have a Bible that had notes and comments written all over it. But in owning that, I became more dependent on the commentaries than the word of God, I read those notes instead of letting God speak to me. So I decided to get a bible with no notes,that I could bring with me everywhere. As I was reading my new bible today I began to wonder how long have I been on this journey. It has been two and a half years today. It still seems brand new to me. I still looks brand new as well. Its neat to see all that The Lord has done in having me read his word during this short time of owningthis specific   book. 

Women's Bible Study

So somehow I went from rebelling women's Bible study to one who attends two a week. I have accepted that I'm older, that I do geeky things that my mom does, that I mocked and made fun of her for years. But today, I'm having a really hard time shallowing being a women's bible study girl. 

I'm okay with the one I do at my church, it has become a little more cheesy as time has gone by, but I still love it, and good things have come out of it. 

Tonight, we started a women's Bible study at camp--- it's the now a true stereo type of group... More cheese than I can handle... Many people who are not real, that I don't trust and don't think that it would be wise TO trust them. 

My roommate who very meanly dissed this group not even a week ago is going to be apart of this, and I really don't want to be in the same group as her, I don't trust her at all. She is very consistent rude to EVERYONE and makes everyone accept that because she is an "introvert" 

That's crap-- and I don't know why or how everyone goes along with all the crap she pulls.. It really makes me mad.

Other people are just better people than I am, and can show love. I feel burned-out from her, I know that we are to forgive when people wrong us. But what do you do with people who always act like this girl? I feel like you can't forgive a person for being a person you can't stand to be around, who is in every area of your life, but won't even say "hi" to you or anyone else who she encounters. I feel like that's not something that "needs forgiveness" because it wasn't a direct wrong towards me. But isn't someone I want to spend my life around or with. How do you handle dealing with someone that their presence makes you angry? 

I didn't intend to write on that at all. Tangent over:

This bible study, will actually be good homework, buy I'm really worried about our weekly gatherings. 

I think there is a lot of hidden self amougths this group. I think there are a lot of differences, in writing this post I see that I have a harder heart than I realized--that I have a lot of things that I really really need to work on. 

Though I don't like this--it will be really really good for me. 

Ps I wrote this last Thursday, but i had a hard time accepting how awful my heart is and had to wait until today to show my true colors. Being real is head, both internally and externally. 

Prayer processing part 1

This is my homework tonight for my bible study, I don't know if I agree or not. 

This is asking me lots of hard,yet good questions. 

Here's a quote I've also been processing from today's homework:

It's so hard to know what I believe, but really good process in figuring it out. 

No!!!! Not stay here!!!!!

I really don't like what I just wrote. I really really really don't want to stay. That girl who I don't want to live with will probs move into my house soon and this place will become a place of anxiety.

 I don't want to deal with all the other crap either. 

my boss is a mess and is getting worst and worst, he is now really unreliable, doesn't listen, really inconstant and really moody. He covers it up by being fun most of the time, but all the crap keeps coming out, and I hate it.   

I still don't get along with that other girl I work with, she always makes me feel unedge. And all those people I put into catergory #4!! That means they all are still going to be in my life. 

I don't want to live my life like that! I know that I asked God to show me his way, and in that moment he opened the door that I should and need to stay just for this bible study, but is that really why I need to stay? --I feel my faith ripped up a little just by asking that question. I should just be obedient. 

I shouldn't be mad at God for his answers. I am going to test as intensily as Gideon did with his fleece, because I really don't like this answer. 

And maybe, just maybe I will be moving after our conversation continues on this topic. But no matter what I think or feel. I need be obedient to The Lord.

SHOW

I'm doing a new Bible study, it's called "live a praying life" my home work for this week is to pray this verse everyday this week, to pray it slowly, to consider each word and phase. 

I made this image with the help of google images and a photo app and put it as my lock screen on my iphone. 

As I created it, I felt like it was just a normal good bible verse. A few hours later I did today's homework. It was really easy, it asked me "why do I pray" does it change God? if it does, is he still sovereign? if it doesn't change him, what's the point?

Then I read the verse. The first word "show" was bold- we pray to have God show us HIS ways. 

I interviewed yesterday. I need to pray about it. I now see I need to specifically pray for God to show me what to do. 

         -----[tingle feelings start below this]-----

What if I am to stay here, just so I can finish this 13week study? What if The Lord wants to show me the value in staying now and learning and doing what I need here for the sake of our relationship, not for me to love my job and what I am doing. 

I was pretty sure that I thought that  could never be the answer. I'm pretty sure I never actually thought God would say "stay". I really was just waiting around for Him to say go, move forward, in a clear voice. 

Wow, wow, I wish you could feel the weird tingle and feelings my body had as I wrote this post--those thoughts and words were not me. They pained me a little to write them. They weren't what I wanted, but they came out of me. -show me your ways, O LORD.

Show me your ways, O LORD. 

There is power in that statement.

Show me your ways, O LORD. 

Retreat review

Ready to hear all about my staff retreat? 

We got there, they made us a delicious lunch, went through the Myers-brigg, and had an awkward evening free time-- after a while a group of us got together and started to hang outside together. It was fun. Having lots of free time at camp when I don't have a lot of friends there gives me anxiety because I am afraid I will be stuck by my self--and miserable. I feel a need to be overly proactive at ensuring that doesn't happen. 

 I discovered the next morning that our cabin had bed bugs, which is the worst thing for both a camp and person to go through on a retreat. I have often gone through the camp side of it, but I haven't ever had all my stuff exposed to the bugs, had the fear of bringing them home into my house.

Bed bug infested cabin brings lot of adventure to a retreat, everything I owned that is cloth had to go in a dryer on hot for an hour. We wiped down all our toiletries to ensure no bed bugs eggs were laid on them. Was moved from our modern cabin to a super cute cabin WAY out in the woods (ten minute hike up a trail) with a really rustic outbath near our cabin. -if you want to see pictures of the cabin, look at my post from last night for it. 

They kept getting the bedding we needed wrong and the camp host had to come out 3 times to get us pillows and blankets. Our cabin was freezing cold and mattresses as thin and hard as it could be. And yet, none of our new cabin adventures was awful, it was in fact really fun and really memorable. 

--

We had a campfire last night, and for their set-up, the camp host has to be at the campfire with you. And me being me, I needed to talk and know all about him. Not even a minute into our conversation, I realize that my approach  is most likely taken as flirting by not only him but all of my co-workers around me. At that point, I feel like there is no way out of it without being obvious or overly awkward, so I just went with it and tried to include others in our conversation.  He was the one who kept coming and getting us blankets which made me internally awkward, but I tried to play it cool. 

I would put our staff into 4 different categories:

1.  put-together, cool,real, fun to work with

2. Good  people, like them, able to work together, but we aren't that close

3. Really immature, and into themselves, but has potential of being someone I would enjoy working with, has really strong moments within the mix

4. What?!? You got hired??? You still have a job?!? You are so unfriendly, dumb,and impossible to be around and to work with!! 

This retreat had a theme of understanding our differences, using our unique gifts and together working as a team. It was really really hard for me because there are people that are on my team that I do not think should be on my team, they can't pull their weight, they build down things instead of improving them. And I felt like this unity building justify their crappy work habits, and made a bigger problem in the long-run. 

It's been a long while since I have talked about the girl who I switched jobs with last summer, that roommate I struggle with all the time. I still strongly believe she shouldn't be at camp, and this retreat solidify those feelings. 

We had a time where we got to share things what were going on at camp, and a girl that I would classify as a number 4 girl, brought up that she that we don't talk a lot about our spiritual walks with each other and how we are doing with the lord(which I can see to be true for her because she makes conversations about The Lord VERY uncomfortable- it's like this special gift she has. So I'm very intentially about NOT talking to her about The Lord) 

..and the roommate girl I just talked about brought out her ugly-- saying that girls bible study made her feel isolated, that it was shallow fluff that was unbiblical, and that no one would listen to her when she brought up ways that were unbiblical they would just move on. 

THIS DID ME IN! I have ZERO symphony for her, she would come and sit in the living room when everyone is in the kitchen, she would attack people if they said anything that contradicts  what she says, and she won't listen or be open to any other thought outside of her own. So of course you would just move on. 

Attitudes and crap like this makes me so mad, she is placing all the blame on who is making something happen, does nothing of her own to contribute to improving it. And I think it's okay for her to talk away from that and say "that's not for me, I'm not going to be involved" but to publically say that, to attack in that matter is just a bitchy thing to do. I'm done with her. I think if she decides to join this fall, I will not because I don't want to be in that environment. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a phone job interview tomorrow for a camp in Oklahoma. It's for the same job that I am doing now, but instead of doing my job all on my own, I would be part of a team that does it with me, which would make the job so much more enjoyable and not be as intense and stressful. 

I'm a little nervous, but I feel like it's in the Lords hands and if this is the route I should be going it, it will work out, and if it is not, I will be ready for what is next. 

I am fixated on my anger towards that roommate, I can't get past that, but need to. I should research more about the camp I'm applying to, I should be excited about this opportunity. Women's bible study starts tomorrow, I'm excited but a little nervous. I'm driving down by myself-I hate doing that, I need to come right back and get ready for my interview. All the logistics of this are hanging me up a little, my nerves for the interview and a new small group, and the slight chance of having car issues are creeping in. I need to let them go. 

Lord, protect and encourage me in my day tomorrow. Be my strenght in it all. -amen 

Bed bugs

I shared a dorm room with bed bugs last night. It was quite a day. I had to put many items in the dryer that I normally wouldn't. I feel a little itchy all over the place, very paranoid that me or one of my roommates will bring them into our house. 

I will survive. It will be okay. I now get to stay in this cute cabin 

<3

Interview set, time to retreat, insecurities revealed yet again

It musta been at least 2 weeks since I submitted an application for a camp in the kinda south. I gave up and forgot about it. I didn't think seriously about getting it and moved on to new options, oh so many options. Today, as I was sitting in the backseat of my boss's car, as we are going up to a nearby camp for a retreat I get an email from this camp wanting to set-up an interview time. I thankfully replied right away-- it's on Thursday. 

As we are on staff retreat, I have had mixed feelings, and we aren't even a full 7 hours into it. I partly love that we have going on here. We live and do life together. I have really connected with my roommate who came last April. It's not all bad. 

BUT there are a lot of people that I do not connect with. That I truly dislike. That I don't want to be around. One in particular has so many cross-overs in my life and as we did department breakout sessions and discussions. I realized how little of influence and significance I have here. And I have this relationship struggle that makes it so I am unable to move forward in so many ways. 

I think my lack of comfort here continues to get stronger and stronger the longer I am here. And it's hard. It should be getting easier. I should feel like I am apart the group instead of a distant being. 

Lord,

As I am in this season of life, unsure of where I'm going or doing or even pursuing what to do. As I process and accept skip dating another girl, a girl he is excited to be with. As I feel unsure about you and our relationship in this big season of change. I pray that you will be my rock. That I will be deeply rooted in you. As I feel all these unsure feelings I would be emotionally moving in faith-- faith that knowing no matter what happens or becomes you are in completely in control and that you care for me and what happens in my small world. God I want comfort, I want it so badly, and i pray that you trump that desire in my life for a desire to want to live a life full of trust in you. (Comfort is always welcome with the process) 

God may your word be my passion that pray from me to you is more than a regular (or seldom) routine but an action that pours out of me constantly and that my heart is molded to be sincere, real and intimate with you in our constant prayer life. 

Teach me all that I need to know here and now. Be with me in the process of these specific struggles I am currently facing. Guide me and the logistics of my life now and make me a person and in a place that I can serve you best of my skills and abilities. 

I love you lord. I praise you for who you are and what you have done. Your love is greater than I. Thank you for extending it to me. 

A farmer's patience

It's been a few days since I have wrote. I want you all to know that I am doing better. I am mentally stable again. I don't have a plan, not at all. But at I am thinking clearly. 

I have missed blogging. It has only been a few days since I have written anything. In fact probley less than a week. But with this becoming my routine, taking it out feels like something is missing. 

I went to church on Sunday. It was incredibly good. We learned about farmers and how they have patience and work really hard and yet don't get any yield from their work until the harvest. That our obedience to God is measured by our obedience-- that it is okay to be discouraged,and or angry as long as we don't sin in that. 

There are so many things I have been thinking about walking away from church.  With skip, I often have these huge breakdowns. I feel this need to wait and do nothing, at least involving him. But I think that I need do nothing. First I need to trust God in this, and never give up (see my notes, that is clearly step 2&3) and also work hard. I hear #theSW right now in my head. Giving me her advice that we don't need to become perfect or be made complete from a man, but that we need to strive to be who we want to be- and no man can resist that (obviously not a direct quote mandy hale says that SO much better and accurately)

There are things that I want to work on. Clearly there are also things that I need to work on as well. Now is the time. Camp is over. I can began to think clearly again. I can spend time on me, and working on who I need to be. 

I want to become healthier. I want my stomach to stop bloating, I want to be fit, lean. I want to be closer to Jesus. I want to actively be in the Word. I want to be more like God. I want to be wise. --these i can do now. This is what I can do anywhere or time to change my life. And now is the ideal time to work on both of them. 

Don't forget: 

I can do that, and work on changing the things that need to change but takes time and is a process to do.