Worthless Feelings

It has been quite a 48 hours for me. I have cried a lot. I have thought a lot. I had a melt-down about my job with my boss and got my job restructured. I did my job (as best as you can when you are an emotional mess) I just was on a hometown page from where I grew-up. A place that was a fairy-tale to be raised in until the mid-1990s when a new highway bypass was put in changing the entire culture of that town. Though I barely remember the good-old days, I was close enough to know it was great. I am struggling to know how to make my life that great memory for years to come.

A quote from Andy Stanley keeps sticking out in my head. I heard it years ago, and I can't directly quote it., He talks about the work that we do, our job can be replaced, someone else can come and do it, the company, job, the world will survive if we leave. But the role of mother, father, wife/husband isn't replaceable. No one can fill that spot in someone's life. So stop spending all your time and energy on your job and be your role at home. This quote makes me feel so worthless. I am nothing without my job. I have no husband, have no kids. My parents and sisters do quite fine without me. I just live for a job, and a job that I feel like I am no longer good at.

Last week, by boss told me I had to listen to our churches sermon, it was the best he ever had heard(big statement, my church has the best sermons) and so I listen to it at work today. It started out so strong. Addressing why the first rules after the 10 commandments were about slavery. I learned a lot. Connections were being made, historical context, significances connections to Christ, I was completely tracking. But then he connected it to marriage and the words that were used and how connected it made sense, but it made me feel like crap. I cried. an embarrassing amount of crying. Those silent tears that just stream out of my eyes.

Thankfully no one came and saw me crying at my desk. But I hate how my singleness makes me feel so incredibly worthless. So pathetic and lonely. I have been questioning what I am doing with my life. What do I need to do? How to get myself where I feel like what I am doing has a purpose, where I just don't spend my days with silent tears pouring out of my eyes.  I no longer know how I want my life to look. I feel like I am just wasting time now. I don't know how to get back on track. I don't know how to get better.