Mid-Life Crisis

"I think I am having a mid-life crisis" was the thought I had over and over this afternoon as I sat at my desk trying to get the million things on my to-do list done.  Instead of checking off the items, I kept thinking "I think I am having a mid-life crisis" googling what all goes into having a mid-life crisis and having silent tears slowly come out of my eyes.

I googled it, and the first page of my results had these items that stood out to me:

1. Looking into the mirror and you no longer recognize yourself.
2. Desiring to quit a good job.
3. Unexplained bouts of depression when doing tasks that used to make you happy.
4. Changing or investigating new religions, churches or new age philosophy.
5. Wanting to run away from everything.
6. Sudden interest in drawing, painting, writing books or poetry.
7. Shifting sleep patterns (Typically to less).
8. Thinking about death, wondering about the nature of death.
9. Changes to the balance of vitamins you take. Or taking dietary supplements for the purposes of extending life.
10. Excessively buying new clothes and taking more time to look good.
11. Desiring a simple life.
12. Excessively looking back to one’s childhood.
13. Keep re-asking yourself: “Where am I going with my life?”
14. Getting fixated on new “wonder” solutions to problems.
15. Recently experiencing something extremely stressful. Stress can trigger a Midlife transformation. Some examples include: Changing Jobs, Divorce, Death of someone close, Chemical/Toxic exposure upon the body or experiencing a major illness.

Source: http://personaltao.com/teachings/midlife-crisis/signs-of-a-midlife-transformation/

There were 35 items on this list; i identified with 15 of them. That is almost half of them. That is a lot.

I think I have been in denial, thinking that I have had just a few bad days, I could fake it enough where it wasn't obviously to the whole world that I was falling apart. But I think I am falling apart. Almost every day for the last week or two, I have said to myself as I sit at my desk at work "I need to quit my job." 

I love my job, but the stress is getting to me. I think I have gone from not being okay in the moments to always not being okay, and being able to cover it  up okay. My anger towards the boy who always comes over is getting deeper and deeper by the day. I feel like I don't have many friends, I don't have a place. 

I can change small things in my life. But I don't think the little things will do any good. I think I need to change where I live, but doing that changes EVERYTHING in my life. I feel like I am really in a pickle. I don't think I am ready to change my entire life, but I do not want to keep it the same, but there isn't really a choice just to change a few things. When I decided to move into this job where every part of my life is connected to it, I saw this risk. But, I didn't think this situation was going to happen to me. I didn't think I would want to give up just part of my life. I didn't think I would have a hard time completely starting over. I have completely started over so many times, leaving this place didn't seem like it would be a hard place to leave. But it is. It really is. And I don't know what I want to do if I leave this. I don't know what job has the some of the same aspects that I love about it, and a way not to have the extreme stress I feel from the rest. 

I have had before that I want this to be the last camp that I ever want to work at, and I still think that is true, but I have no idea what I want to do, really do, if I'm not at camp. 

I feel like the world is in front of me, but I have no way of seeing or knowing my options. If I start over, I want to move across the country; I don't know anyone across the country, how do you start over, how do you get a new job that supports you? 

I think I need to stop focusing on my problems. I need to stop seeing my life falling apart and instead do a good job at seeing what is going right with my life. 

I need to pray that God will show me where I need to be and be content in where He puts me instead of constantly freaking out. 

I may be having a mid-life crisis. Now that I see this, I need to respond to it gracefully and prayerfully. 

It may be hard, but that is what I need to do. Lord, help me to hold it together and do what I am supposed to do and do it right.