Whoa lots of thoughts

So today is not only skips birthday but also my half birthday. Not only am I flooded with significance because of the day, but I also just attended a real powerful, personal, thought provoking church service. Lets start debriefing church first.
The Lord has put the story of Abraham deeply on my heart. The church I attend has been going through this for weeks (but I miss church more than make it) today the message was personally for me, It was about Faith. The story was Abraham about to give his son as a offering to The Lord. The point was that when we have faith we take action within it. Faith isn't a thought or mindset it's by what we do. Faith isn't about talking big risks but trusting God enough to do what he says. There's a lot more to this but let me pause right here and reflect.
Even within my doubt, I KNOW that God spoke and that he is going to show me this faithfulness with skip. I think in this promise the action I need to do is more a lack of actions I would normally do. I don't throw my self at guys like I used to, I don't try to get guys to hold my hands or snuggle with me. Outside of Gods promise of love with skip he has also asked me to pray for him daily- which is the hardest part of my day, I have so much resistance to do this. It's hard and I don't know why. My words tend to be just chistianese and short. And this is for the guy I crush on and the one God promised me. My boss and campers are other people I feel a need to pray for, that is easy for me. Words pour out of me but skip, what a struggle.
Okay back to epic sermon.
We also talked about ppl in the bible taking big risks, but God gave them crystal clear directions to do those "risks" and that there are 3 things that we ways The Lord speaks to us and that we should have all 3 inline. The Holy Spirit, Gods word and wise counsel. I wonder, I clearly believe that the Holy Spirit spoke to me, and gave me direction with this. But not sure how or what Gods word said about this nor wise counsel. I have talked to my wise friends and they haven't given me red flags, but they are friends, are they my wise counsel? I say all of this but still KNOW that I am to learn how God is faithful though love with skip. Even though I haven't spoken a word to anyone at church outside of a polite "hello" this place has greatly impacted my life.

I am sure I will write another post later today by as I now leave my seat at Starbucks . I want to leave you with the last point of this sermon. Faith is the path we take not a magic potion that makes problems go away.

Time and distance

I haven't talked to skip in a really long time, like a full month, and our conversation a month ago wasn't much, but we chatted online tonight. It was so good for me. I feel like so much has changed in our lives the past few months (mostly his) that its hard to have an online conversation right now. I am so thankful that we at least chatted tonight. It's good to at least have an update.

I think one of the hardest things for me in this is to continue to have faith in a future romance because I continually feel like those girls that hang on too tight to something that isn't there. (Yeah, i have been watching the bachelor) You know who I'm talking about... Yeah they drive me crazy too. Please Lord, don't let me be them and this actually be that situation!!!

Talking it out

So I really felt the need to start blogging about a month ago, but I followed through today, my first 2 blogs are a month old, and this here is real time 😊
Overall I have two common thoughts this week:

1. I feel so alone when I am with people because I am always the odd one out (3rd wheel, 9th wheel) and can't even do anything about it ( like join eharmony) how should i handle social things and why is this so hard for me?

2. God is trying to do something big in my life right now and I am scared of it and cannot allow myself to be open to it. Deep inside I know that what he wants to do is good. but I am not allowing myself to read and pray without this distancing panic going through me.

This two things are really messing me up. I daily wonder if I should see professional help... And if you can actually get help professionally for this?

I realize that both these things aren't that big, but man are the making things rough for me lately. Hope I'm more uplifting soon!
Ps I decided I should blog instead of getting professional help, same thing right?

Reflections and fears

Blog 2

In my baptist church in college, I had a mentoring couple that guided me through many things and while I was obsessing over Phil -- Leslie encourage me to get to know mick and skip. I recall a conversation I had with her once while shopping- I was going on and on about my strategy about how to get close to Phil and she turns to me and tells me "you should like skip instead" mind you this was a season of my life where I would have to easdrop on conversations around review  his name, in case I needed up being in the same social circle as him. I think it is incredible that The Lord was preparing me for this years before he spoke truth directly at me, I wonder if God would of spoke more clearly to me on that time if I was more open to listen. I wonder how much fun and impactful my life would be if I pursued friendship with skip right when I met him instead of wasting time trying to convince Phil that he wanted to pursue me.  I tend to let the "what ifs" drag me down in the ground. But here in this story in my life, it doesn't. Even if I could of gone differently, I am confident that this story here and now will strengthen me more than the "what ifs" situations and with that I am grateful. 

Fear: what if this really is another Phil of the future story? What if I pass up really great potential relationships for this promise and skip ends up marrying some random girl? Not only is that a wasted love story... What would that do in me and God's relationship? These questions are hard to ask... I ask them all the time yet I still cringe asking... Half for saying I could mistake Gods voice. half knowing this questions are worthless to ask because God spoke to me and asking these questions doubts his promise.

Getting to and leaving the docks

The first blog: who I am, and why I am starting this:

I grew up in a small town in the Midwest. In high school I didn't date, but not on purpose just because it was a small town and didn't want to commit to flirting just to one guy. In college, I spent my first year flirting with tons of guys-- and then my Phil of the future, my dream guy that I was determined to marry. I barely knew him, but I figured there he would be worth the wait-- and I was having tons of fun in college in the meantime. Three years later Phil and I start actually spend time together and I quickly realized that who I thought he was in my mind isn't even close to reality... I met phil at a large baptist church in college- and there were a lot guys in this group many being tall, skinny, and very focus on a specific career. I didn't give this group much attention. I barely could keep names straight.
After being" hi there"friends with Skip and Mick (tall skinny focus guys) for a few years we transition into real friends. And not only were we real friends but the masses of people I typically spent all my time with moved away. I learned that they were ridiculously fun. My roommate thought mick was hot, and extremely encouraged me to flirt with him b/c she thought we would be a cute couple. I tried my best but always ended up being close to skip. At that point I didn't like him at all. And he was very anti marriage, settling down, normal life-- I had a hard enough time with relationships with guys looking for a bride no way would I waste my time crush'n on skip. I just loved being their friend and leaving my time with them with aches from smiling and laughing. Well like everyone in my life mick went left town pursuing a job and our trio became a duo. This didn't change things we still hanged out. Skip being a smart tall career guy suddenly got his ideal jobs left and right and these jobs had him leave the country typically for 2 weeks at a time. Now I am at home alone waiting for my friend to come back and I realize- that I have a little crush-crush on this boy. He was a guy who I never before would describe as my type, he never wanted to marry, he consistently was leaving and I liked him. Who was I becoming? Well after this realization a quick month past(where most of it skip was out of the country) he went to visit his parents for Christmas in the south-- and didn't return. Left all his stuff, his car, and started a new job. This killed me. I was so mad! Not only did I like him, but he was my last real friend in my baptist circle. I left like I lost so much! A few months later he came back for a job he was committed to and for his stuff. I only got to hang out with him for a few hours. Which was good--but he was distracted he needed to get ready for a big job and move in very little time.. I didn't feel good about how things ended. Time past, we were still friends but not often. He moved to England I moved to WI. And somehow we still talked on Skype once or twice a month. I still got giddy talking to him- but not waiting around for him. I didn't date anyone in this time but was playing around with the idea with a few hearts. I loved my time in WI. Loved it. But my time was up there and had a good camp opportunity in MN. So I took it. It's HARD leaving a job you love, but I think it made it even harder when you are at a place that treats God-- the one who created and made us, worthy of all our praise- in a way that personally offended me. Taught kids about that I thought was completely untrue. And on top of all that I worked on a zip line that didn't met code and had the potential of causing someone to die. Obviously,I wasn't in a good place, cried all the time, thought about quitting 3-4times a week. And when day when I was all alone sitting on top of the climbing tower so depress about my situation, The Lord spoke to me. Not about my awful situation but about skip. He told me I was going to marry him. Even now, a whole year and a half later- it stills scares me to death that God spoke to me and told me clearly that then. Skip left me to become a missionary. Skip doesn't want to get married. His time zone was 6 hours a head of mine!!
God is God. He can do some crazy things. He told me who I was going to marry to a guy where the relationship isn't close to developing into romance, even now a year and a half later.
In this time, God has pressed on my heart the story of abram. Whom God spoke to and told him he was going to be father of a great nation and had him wait 25 years until he fulfilled it. 25 years!!! That is my entire life! We skip over that 25 years so easily in the bible, and when God was teaching me this story yet again in this journey, I felt like I needed to share my experiences in this season of waiting. So here I am blogging... Even though this post seems like forever it's only a snip-it of the past. And we know where the story is going to end(me with skip- and a deep understanding that god is faithful ) but I ask that you come along with me for the season of waiting and discovery God being faithful to his promises.