The weak and foolish

"Blog about this"

Is what I was going to save a draft of this scripture and come back to it and debrief the signaficance of it. But more often than not, I never go back, so I'm putting both the hike and Gideon bible study homework that I was debating about doing now and blogging about this first.

I grew up reading robin jones gunn books, she was my favorite author. She wrote the christy miller series which was about this girl who moved from Wisconsin to California-- meet all these super cool Christians, became one herself and though she had some dorky moments, she overall was really cool and it was cool/funny of her social whoops moments.  

Though I don't think there is anything wrong with these books, I think they have played a  big part into my perception I need to be this cool put together stylish, fun person before I can be this incredible Christian. That growing in Christ goes along with my improve social status.  And in that, you say things like, "I don't care if that's not cool, I am going to do that because I am following Christ" and whatever "uncool" thing you do is actually cool because YOU are cool. 

So I think that I need to be this super cool person in order to be bold in Christ, and I get so mad and annoyed when all of this super annoying, dumb, dense, lazy Christians are around me. I'm constantly thinking " why in the world did they get hired" " SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY, WHY are you DOING THAT?!""what?!? That doesn't make sense, how do you think that is logical?"  "You are talking and saying nothing for 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11......seconds" (this is my favorite, you get less angry because you are focused on counting than having to hear the dumb things coming out of their mouths) and there are lots LOTS of more of these thoughts. 

Typically, when I look at this verse and verses similar to this, I think about me. I am not always wise, I came from a somewhat humble beginning, God is making me better in him. I need to boast in The Lord.

  BUT! Instead, I need to think about all those people I have all of those ugly thoughts about. Instead of being so angry and mad, I need to see God working through them and their weaknesses. I can see in right in front of me, if I look. If I am really really honest, I wish I was the only person that God was working through my weakness and that everyone else had it really but together. But alas, that is not how God put it together,  I get to be in the same boat as everyone else and together we get to make a mess in our rowing, but hopefully moving in the direction that we oath to be going.  

Something BIG...

I'm pretty sure something big is going to be coming in my life soon and that The Lord is prepping me for it. I think the prep is in my "life of discipline"--getting out of student loan debt, being very intentional about reading the Bible, tithing, working out, attempting to get in shape, to sleep more, drink more water, to cut out excess sugar. 

Living a life of discipline isn't why I think my life is about to change, it's reading questions like this:

And having my heart's immediate responds be "for what God has planned next" -- I don't know what it is, I hope and want it to involve skip, but honestly, I don't think it will. I don't think there has been enough time, enough lessons on trusting The Lord to have that come my way soon. The Lord used LOOONG time gaps in his promises in the bible, right now, I'm only 3 years out from his promise that he gave me, and one of those years, I walked away from that promise, so I don't even know if that counts on the waiting scale. 

Something big is coming. I feel like March 2015 is the time. That's when I feel the NEED to be debt free, all my other goals kinda have time stamps on them, but "debt free by march 2015" is what I have a strong need to be. It doesn't mean anything actually, but I really feel the need to be debt free by then, and I think it is worth noting. I think God will work in that, even if I don't see it next march. 

I need to be ready, I need God to be my trainer, I need to be fine-tuned in him. AND I need to serve, love and grow to my fullest IN THIS SEASON. Even if it involves waiting. 

Blueberry picking

Today, 4 of us girls from camp went out and did some blueberry picking at a farm right down the mountain from us. 

It was the best!! There is a guy that hosts you while you are there, and he was one of the coolest people I have meet. He looked a lot like Skip's younger brother. He taught you so much about blueberries, his life, his vast knowledge of bugs, the farming business. He was really cool, and his blueberries tasted amazing! 

It was also a triumph because 4 of us who work together did this together. We haven't had a staff where you wanted to do stuff together in the past. And that we were able to do this today was a big deal. One of the girls was my new roommate, though we are VERY different, we have been getting along really well, and I really enjoyed doing things like this with her. 

Good day!

San Diego fire

If you have been watching the news at all, you know that their were 9 fires that broke out yesterday in S.California . None of which are a threat to me and my home as of right now. But a huge threat to the community where my life is outside of camp. My women's bible study was closed today-- due to fire. I been watching the news. It's scary seeing the fames engulf all of this beautiful land. It doesn't seem real, I don't even know how to pray. I don't know that many people "down the hill" but I really hope they are okay, that there things are okay. I hope these fires this week, don't make my community forever ugly. Strange thought I know, but it makes me sick to know that the woods I live in are still ugly from a fire that took place at least 5 years ago. It's scary, some say these fires were started by arson-- I keep getting these flash images in my head of guys with HUGE guns in front of me seeking to make havoc here and start another fire as well. 

It's scary, really scary. I hope it doesn't make it up to where I live, that's too scary to handle. 

 

God's rebuttal to my last post "cannot handle this"

I was real real and real ugly in my last post. If you read it, it's all about placing blame on them. And though, the things I say were true, I did not give an accurate picture of the situation to myself or to you. 

The real issue is my pride. The issue is I think what I am doing is more important than what else is going on at camp. 

This was one of the pages I work on tonight on my Gideon workbook. It hit me hard, I have a huge pride issue. HUGE! And I really need to stop thinking of myself as the shit (sorry for the profane, but any substitute word really doesn't do this phase justice) and acknowledge this

Because that is true.... That is the truth. It can't be said any other way. But this is the sting that stayed with me after writing that last statement: 

And honestly, I don't know! Some people really suck, some people truly can't do any job I give them even close to being right. 

It may be a body of Christ thing, where there part just isn't able to do what is asked, it might be an issue that they are working on: lazyness, self-control, obedience, listening etc... 

It may be an the devils foothold in my life, "let's take Becky, and surround her with incapable people, so she has no choice than to feel superior than others." Or everyone else feels like they are better than me, and  intentionally leave all their crap work for me to do for them, because they think I have nothing better to do than care for their needs. 

Whatever it is, it starts with me, and my heart. I should become a master of time management so I am able to do all of these things and not feel pissed that I have so much. I should pray for God to stretch out my day and make it so I am able to accomplish everything I need to do for him, in the allotted time I have for that --each day. I should take out the amount of time I spend brewing anger towards my co-workers, and instead use that to work. 

This sounds do-able, but if I am really honest, I don't see this actually working. But I need to try, I need to give God the ability to work in and through this situation. It may be a huge part of the process of surrendering fully to God.  

Cannot handle this!

It makes me really really mad when people aren't respectful of my time, expect me to act like their mother(adults only, I can mother kids--because they are children) and not take care of their responsibilities and leave them for me to take care of it. Today was a day filled with that and I am royally pissed off about it. 

Seriously, what is wrong with people?! I have a huge job, why is it that people come to me constantly asking for office supplies?! Ask the girl who orders the supplies! Why do people ask me about their time cards? Ask the person who does payroll and who you turn your time card INTO! Why are people stumping around the office with manure filled shoes, why am I the one left to vacuum it up? Why is it that the outdoor education staff make themselves unavailable and almost everyone of their people come to me and I get to be asked all their questions. 

I am really mad and I am sick of how I am treated. I don't want to babysit this program camp that has 7 or more staff working it, when I have my own job to do that already takes over 40 hours a week to do it well. 

I don't want to be surrounded by people who really bother me and take advantage of me. 

I'm kinda done with all this crap. How do I fix this issue i am in? 

I wish I had answers, because I hate being this pissed off all the time! 

Viewpoints on life and marriage

Though I haven't posted on this lately, I have been thinking a lot about how incredible it will be when God puts skip and me together in his timing. I often the one who initiates conversation between the two of us, and decided that I need to lethim initiate conversation. It's been quiet. But it's okay that it is quiet. 

Skip's life is traveling the world and capturing stories of how lives are changed by missionaries who are placed in all of these places, he also goes to events and works the tech and video side of things going on there. It's incredible. I am so curious of how this already well-put together guy I knew well 4 years ago has been incredibly changed and matured even more since that time. I want to know how the Holy Spirit has worked in and changed his life through all these incredible experiences. I want to know the wisdom and understanding he has gotten from God via all these travels.

I don't even have a passport. I have never been out of the US. And though we have incrediblely different lives, I know deep inside The Lord is going to use the differences in in our life experienes in big ways. And though, I have no desire to be along side him right now, and have peace staying in the US. I have been so jealous of those girls who are traveling with him. Having these experiences along his side. In my head, one of these girls should be the perfect match for them. I see their pictures online, they are typically those naturally cute girls. The ones who don't have to shower, never wear make-up and let their hair air dry and somehow look better than me after spending so much time getting ready for the day, each day. They are the girls who (I'm sure) never get moody, always show love,always know how to respond and act to situations, and are always fun to be around. These girls, are who I struggle with. That, and the fear that skip may never change his mind and always want to be single for the rest of his days. 

Tangent over:

This was on his Facebook today, it's impactful. It's written by a heart that I would love to marry, and ironically it's about the pain of forcing marriage on young teens.. 

In Ghana, I witnessed a young girl being taken against her will to be married. This experience has made me unsettled and disturbed for the past few weeks and when I heard about the 200 Nigerian girls who were sold as brides, I felt the need to share this story.

We were driving on a dirt road in a tribal area in the north and we passed a guy on a motorbike who had stopped on the side of the road because he was struggling with a girl who was riding with him. Our driver, who is a Ghanaian worker with OM, immediately stopped the car and got out to see what the situation was. While I was sitting in the car watching the commotion unfold, I saw the girl. She was struggling to get away from the man. She couldn’t have been older than 13. After 5 minutes, our driver told me get come take video and pictures of the situation. So I walk over and now am 3 feet away, up close and personal to a man who is taking this girl against her will to be married in another tribe. The girl was in a state of hysteria. She kept her arm covering her eyes and was crying out the same 2 words over and over. For the entire time we were there, 40 minutes, she was in a state of delirium. Then, our driver took the man’s motorbike keys in hopes to get more answers. The man admitted that the girl was being taken for marriage to a boy around her age but its not uncommon for young girls to be married to much older men. The detailed beadwork in her hair and the jewelry she was wearing signifies that she was prepared beforehand by somebody, possibly her parents. Other scenarios such as kidnapping are possible but whatever the case, she was going against her will and was fighting to get away. Child marriage is illegal in Ghana but there were no police anywhere nearby to help. Our only choice was to give the keys back to the man and watch him drive off. Our driver called another OM worker to intercept the man in a nearby town for further engagement but the man never drove by. 

I’ve been struggling with this experience. What is wrong? What is normal? My western culture is screaming “WRONG, INJUSTICE, OPPRESSION,” and so on but it was clear that the man had no conviction about taking the girl because in his eyes, it was normal. Yes, all cultures have broken traits so is this man’s culture just another example of a “wrong” trait? Is child marriage wrong? Maybe what makes it wrong is that the girl is not being loved and valued as a human being in the way that Jesus taught us to love one another.

So how do you tell a people group, who have accepted forced child marriage as being normal for countless generations, that what they’re doing is wrong? The girl’s captor must have been thinking, “Why is this guy making a big deal over a girl? Why is today so different than other day of taking girls to their new husbands?” 

And thats where the Gospel comes in. That day was different because the man’s encounter was with a follower of Jesus - somebody who radically loves and values all people. What will it take to mend this culture’s generationally broken condition? The answer is Christ; the shining light of Jesus into the darkness. What’s it going to take for this cultural revolution ball to get rolling? This question leads to a dilemma I have been struggling with these past few days: the concept of “raising awareness.” What is the point of putting this girl’s photo on social media as to raise awareness if the only outcome is that I get a few “likes” and some “I’m heartbroken” comments because the truth is that to stop forced child marriage from happening requires action from people who are capable of praying, giving and going. 

Pray for her. You’ve seen her now and know a little of her story. Intercede on her behalf. Pray for her husband and her community, that Jesus’ message of hope and truth would resound. Give generously to ministries that are dedicated to sharing God’s love to the lost. OM Ghana is supporting a few pastors who have church plants in remote villages. Consider financially supporting this ministry. And lastly, prayerfully consider going. The truth is that to see cultural shifts will cost somebody their life: a life devoted to lifelong discipleship.

How amazing would it be to see a culture, who for generations sold their daughters as child brides, now condemn it because one person came and told them that Jesus loves and values all people!?

Understanding a bit of God and expectations of him

The question above the star question is what you need to read. This is what I did in my homework last week for Bible study and this answer hit home for me. God allowed me to speak and understand truth in our relationship and who he is. 

I am still working in and through things that I have talked about before. It hasn't magically gone away yet. But, slowly it's morphing; new questions, slow growth, releasing of fear.