Dreams, and reality--move with courage

I think I have been losing this past month. Losing the core of my identity. It has been a hard time for me. But I go through A LOT of hard times. No big change has been made, I explored big changes, but I am where I am. 

I think I am losing more and more of me. I feel like I am just going through the motions and trying my best to not let anyone know that I am losing it (including myself) but as I sit here today, I think it is very true. 

I knew I wanted to write today, I just didn't want to write the same thing that I have written a hundred times. (something that I struggle with since I feel like I have been stuck in a hard place for such a long time now) so I went back and read, went back to all the times I have written before. 

Memories were flooding back to me of those moments. And my eyes are realizing that I felt something in those hard moments. Everything inside of me felt it. I think I have become numb the ability to feel like that. I lost my ability. 

I don't know what I want out of life. I don't know if I need to do something else or if I need to stay right where I am. 

My boss and I had a really good long conversation the other day. He told me that I need to stay, I am good at what I do and this is a good fit for me. But I need to get out more. I need to leave camp. I need friends outside of this place. 

And I think he is right, but I hate having friends who are so far away from me. I hate that I live this weird life and that I can't relate to people. I don't want to go down the mountain that much at all. 

(ps it is really windy right now, and I slightly fear that an acorn is going to knock me out at the fling from the trees to the ground) 

I want my life to turn into a hallmark movie right now. I feel like my life is stuck in the first 3 minutes of one for the last 7 years. I don't want to date online, I don't want to force myself into a crappy relationship because its better than being alone, but I just want a great guy to walk in, and have it make complete sense that we should be together and get married in 5 weeks. That is literally the only dream I dream these days (along with moving into a cool loft house, in a cool river town and all of his friends marry my friends) 

But I know that's not reality. I know that hallmark movies don't happen in real life. I know that I am not the pretty star needed to make this happen if hallmark movies did happen in real life.

 I keep having these dreams. I keep wanting something different, but I don't know how to make everything different and like the changes that I have made. 

I need to be strong and courageous. I need to stop being overtaken by fear and spending my days critizing people.