Feeling inadequate

Tonight,  I called the fire department, letting them about a medical emergency that was happening. This would be the second time that day that response team would be on grounds tending to a medical emergency that night.
Along with our teen boy who is having a hard time breathing, I was needing to police how large a group's campfire was able to be that night, arrange for a group's late night dessert to be delivered on time, make sure everyone was following the golf cart driving rules.

This afternoon was filled with gift shop business, answering tons of questions, getting waivers, communicating how the zip line works, group leader questions and settle-ups. Yesterday was BUSY, we had new phones being set-up in our office, figuring out how a group moved into another group's housing and how to handle that situation,  groups checking-in phones ringing with inquiries, 9 messages on my voicemail from the day before. The entire day was chaos, it feels like this entire week has been chaos.
I stood outside near the teen boy who was having trouble breathing with firemen, paramedics, and people part of his church. This situation took about 2 hours. Two hours where I planned to catch up on all the time I didn't have to do my normal job for the last 48 hours. I wasn't mad at all about the situation, but it was just a lot for me to process after having so many things go on.

Once everything quieted down and I was back in the office, I sat at my desk looking at all the papers stretched across it. I had a mini melt-down. There was so much going on that night, I didn't fail at anything, but there was so much. I had a lot of responsiblity that I had to act on in that day.

I don't know if I am able to really handle that type of situation. I don't feel qualified at all for that. Part of me loves the excitement and loves the pressure, part of me is freaking out because I don't know what to do with all the presure and responsibily I now have.

I wrote this last Saturday. I am not really sure why I didn't post it. I feel like I keep coming to a place where I don't feel equipped or ready for the position I am in. The longer I do my job and live on top of the mountain, the more I feel that this lifestyle is more than I can handle.

I hate feeling weak. I have feeling inadequate I hate feeling like a failure. But all of those things has been what I have felt like this year, like it is my theme. Weak, Inadequate and a failure--over and over again, almost anyday I feel weak, inadequate and like a failure.

The camp that I work at has grown a lot since I first started working here. I think our number of people here in a year is close to doubling. I put my own expectation of having 50 more people here each weekend than the first goal that was set for me-which is often exceeded.

These things are great things. But I wasn't prepared for the new pressures that come with growth. It didn't even occur to me that I would experience pressure once we grew as a camp. No longer can I say "yes" to every inquiry. Now I have to say  "I don't have any openings between now and December 15, how about having  your retreat the week before christmas?" Which no one wants to do. Rebooking is tough, because everything is so tight and things like Easter jumping from March to April messes with the rebooking process. I feel like I have had to make hard decisions and have this pressure of time to make lots and lots of people happy, and that the decision that I have to make for group is connected to so many others, but they have no clue of the pressure that comes behind the words that I say to them. It is like I am constantly juggling all these balls in the air, but make it look like there is only 1 that is in orbit or people only see theres in orbit. Which makes things tricky.

The other day though, I was walking up the path from one of our activites, (our staff running the activity needed change so I ran it down to them) and as I was walking. I had a moment where I realized what a wimp I am! The stress and pressure I feel are so tiny compared to anyone else I make these tasks I have way bigger in my head than they really are.

The hard conversations I have aren't THAT bad, nothing compared to ones that happen in the govenment system, that doctors have to have. I never have to think about my kids health (or anything kid related, I don't have kids) paying my rent (I have housing part of my job) mowing the lawn or really anything outside of what my job description is.
But I let the job pressure overtake me. I struggle in knowing how to handle questions, how to shape the culture of our camp. How to make everything work together. And I am not even in charge. There are two people ahead of me, there is no one below me. Why do I get so hung-up on things? Why do I let this pressure things overtake my life?

As I have been in this journey of deciding if I want to do something else with my life, I keep thinking that I can't handle anything new. I can barely handle things in this very protected safe life that I have. How could I ever survive with what everyone else has to do.

How did I become such a wimp?

It is hard to compare the pressure I have with my job to anyone elses, because, you do not really see the pressure that comes with their job when you observe others do it. I don't really know if I am a complete wimp or if my feelings have any valid part in them.
I need to be smart. I need to give everything over the Lord and trust that he has me no matter what, and not let my feelings overcome me. I haven't been doing that. I have let the pressure overtake me and became a mess this week.