Direction

I have been at my house alone for over a week now. I don't mind being alone. It has been nice in some ways, I enjoy the solitude. It makes me reflect a lot. It's my half birthday today, and I happen to share my birthday (and half birthday) with a sweet friend/mentor who is about 10 years older than I that I spent a lot of time with when I lived in Denver.

Thinking of her, made me think of my 5 years in Denver. And at the same time I have been reflecting about my first camp internship. Both of these seasons were amazing in my life. They were really the best 6 years of my life. I loved them oh SO much. Since then, my life has also been good, but not quite the same of those years.

Part of me doesn't want my life to be THAT great again. Simply because I feel so lucky by the experiences that I have had and that I don't want my great times to be forgotten. 

But also part of me, makes me think, "What have I been doing for the last 4 years?" The last 4 years have been good, but nothing compared to my 19-25 years. I think often time the 19-25 years are everyone's prime, but I am so sad to see that season of my life past.

So now what? I have really been struggling with direction this year. Part of me never wants to leave what I am doing. But part of me wants to have a new adventure. Wants to go and live life as I did in my 19-25 year span. 

How do you do that when you are almost 30? I don't know where my life should be right now. 

I haven't talked about Skip at all for about a month, simply because I haven't been able to think about Skip in the last month. Everything with him seems so confusing, and simply foolish.  I haven't allowed myself to think about him, to think about what my future may (or may not) be. Because of all this confusion. I don't know what my next step should be. I don't want to get deep and pursue it. I just want to move. I just want to feel 100% confident in that the things that I do with my life is what I should be doing. I have doubt now, but my doubt doesn't make any sense to me. But nothing makes sense to me these days.

I am ready to throw in the towel of feeling so lost and confused. I am sure that you are ready for me to get in a new place. Lately I have been intending to write about different things here, but instead, it seems like I just change my thoughts and all my posts come out the same. 

How do you stop being scared? if I need to make a big life change, how do I make that change? How and what do I need to do to know what to do? How do I get the change done if it needs to be done?

These are all the questions that have been floating around my head for days, mixed with the sweet memories of times past. I feel  a little stuck.