It's A Brisk Windy Day After A Storm

Last night we had crazy winds with rain,  it was scary. I was fearful of trees falling on my house, car, and every building at camp. Around 10:00 pm on of our weekend staff girls came to our house asking to spend the night. There was a tree in the road making it so she couldn't drive to her housing. 3 trees total fell on the road ways, there was debris everywhere, somehow, an old Christmas tree made it into my back yard, signs broke, garbage cans are missing, its a big mess.

But even though it was hard to see all the broken branches and debris everywhere it made today different, which was fun. I wore a fun outfit, my new warm puffy vest, a long sleeve button up jean shirt with skinny jeans and tall brown boots. I got to wear a bright headband and gloves to keep my head and hands warm (something you cherish in California, never thought I was miss feeling brisk, freezing air until I moved here)

We had a conference last week, which got me really far behind in work, on Saturday I was trying to catch up, but knew with the constant interruption of a 3 big camps going on I wouldn't get far, so instead I made myself a list of everything that I needed to get done today, when camp would be quiet.
I got to work today and started to get to work. I wrote a total of 49 emails. gave a tour, booked 2 groups, and talked on the phone A LOT, yet, I barely got anything knocked off my list. By 3:00 pm I felt exhausted, and defeated.  At that point, I have made some progress on some of my goals, but I wasn't at a place where I could actually cross any of them off.  I got an email asking if I was out on vacation, I had to reply "no, so sorry, I am just really behind" and quickly put together the things he needed from the email that has been sitting in my inbox for almost a week.

With everything going on, today, I cherish my walk home. I started to think about my experience I had at church yesterday, about how I just started to bawl about being single in the middle of worship. In that thought, I asked myself what I looked forward most to being married. Here is the answer I came up with:

 60% Being able to be submissive (John Mark's definition, having a deep respect and faith in a person that you can trust them with everything that you are. You can turn over your feelings to them and they help take care of you in that--I think that is so beautiful and I long to have someone love me like that so that I can trust them like that, I think it would change me so significantly for the better)

30% Feeling socially acceptable to people  (not an outcast, behind in life or a loser for being single)

10% Being physically connected to someone; in all ways that you can be (aka in sex and in hand-holding, snuggling etc)

I wonder how different my answer to that question would be to other 29 year old single girls. I wonder if others feel the same way about their desire to get married  as I do.  I feel so insecure about being alone. I feel so unsafe, unsure, and a social outcast.

I walked about 1/4 of a mile to come up with the answer above (Except that I made being submissive 70%, but changed it in writing this, because it drives me crazy when people percentages don't add up to 100% :) )

The other 1/4 of the walk I thought about what made those tears fly out of my eyes at church. It was that I was sitting 4-5 rows farther back than I normally do, and I could see couple after couple with their hands held, arms around the waist come into church in the cute way couples are. I was standing in the middle of two couples. There was no one alone, there were no other 3 wheels, just people who looked and felt like they belong to another. Oh man, writing this makes tears flow out of my eyes. (There was a really hot guy who was sitting with his parents across the isle from me, I think his presence cut my tears in half, he is good looking and had no-one with him as well)

I think what is so hard is that I don't know how to change my life stage. I think that I still need to wait for Skip, even though he has moved on, I don't feel like I should move on right now, even though I feel a desire to do so. But even if I felt like I could move on and date whoever I wanted, I don't how I would even start that process. Seriously, how do you date at 29? AND when you live 1 hour from everything? It seems so hard.

Oh man, I need to be prayerful and submit these thoughts to the Lord instead of just dwelling on them myself. The road is hard at times, but it will not overtake us