He is Strong--when I am weak and a mess...

As I walked to work today, I told myself that I wasn't going to cry at all. I even put on extra mascara on as an extra security line to keep myself from crying at work today.

My day started out well, but then I got a phone call. It only takes one phone call to make everything about your emotions to fall apart. This happened to me today. One mean phone call and I was done for. I went outside and called by boss, I sat on the grass on the ball field and explained the entire situation to him. Feeling like crap as I explained everything that just happened.

I question everything. I question everything that I have spoken to this person over the last 4(or more) months I question how this person was under a different impression than they were. I wonder how many times I should have said the obvious, but didn't because I didn't want them to think that I was talking down to them.

As I sat on the ballfield where everything looked perfect. It was the perfect view, perfect temperature, perfect amount of sunshine, but everything inside me felt wrong. I felt sick from this conflict. I felt like my entire world was falling apart--yet again. It seems like every day my life falls apart in a new and unique way.

 The tears build up and pour out of my eyes  I tell my boss about how crappy I feel and how my I feel like my life is falling apart yet again. My boss interrupts me to say this "or this is a time where you are being tested." --Tested-- My emotions overtake me, I feel so awful, being completely consumed with my feelings. I haven't been thinking or aware that anything could be going on outside of my very apparent feelings I was having. --being tested--

Since December, I have been struggling. Sometimes it is not that bad, sometimes it is pretty bad, the last 3 days have been the worst. I started intentional studying Isaiah in December. I have never been an "I read the Bible everyday" person, but since December, I have been much more close to that. Reading and studying Isaiah about every other day. About 2 weeks ago, I started a new project that involves more studying of the Bible. Where I am connecting Isaiah to the New Testament. A project that I am so excited about!

Then my life started to fall apart. Negative emotions began to take over me. Everything that I have been writing about the last few days has happened.

I think my boss was on to something with his comment, I think I am being tested. I think that everything adding up is to discourage me from seeking and growing with the Lord. Which it has. It really has. I need to feel brave; I need to be brave. I need to stand up and grow, seek God even when I feel as terrible as I do. I need to stop feeling weak and instead cry to God to be my strength. I need to apply everything that God has taught me to do when I feel like everything is falling apart, instead of just becoming a broken person.