Today is one of those magical days: the birds are literally chirping, I smell the lilac bush spring scent. Wild turkeys are playing in woods right behind me. In the distance, I hear the lawn mower mowing, which is a sound that always warms my heart.
Perfect days aren't rare in Southern California, but today seems like it is a little more perfect.
I have been sitting out at my small white table for about an hour now. Until a few minutes ago, I was here with no technology, just my Bible, Isaiah workbook and a pen. Day 5 each week in my workbook is a reflective day, to go over all the lessons that you have done for the last 4 days and see the big picture of it, with very little prompting from the author.
I have a pretty good track record of skipping these days. I struggle in going through the details with the author asking very specific questions the other days. I have no desire to look at the big picture on my own.
But I did not skip today. I didn't know where to start. I didn't know what big picture I was looking for. I didn't know how to get the insight I needed to make sense of this big picture.
As I started, I kept thinking about another book that I wanted to read. My eyes were glossing over the words, but my thoughts were on this other project that I wanted to tackle today.
I almost stopped, quit day 5 yet again and work on this thing that I was thinking of. Instead, though. I prayed. I prayed for clarity; I prayed that I would get something out of this time. I continued to read, and I started to remember some of the good insights that I had from a few days ago. I didn't have this amazing "ah-ha" moment, but I did see these passages differently as a whole, than just as small parts. Reading the words and seeing the repeated themes over and over in these verses reminded me that God is bigger than I see him. That God can and will destroy everything on the earth that does not worship Him.
After taking the time to reflect on God, and who he is from my Bible reading that day, I started to journal a prayer to Him. I poured out my heart. I asked him to give me wisdom and discernment in this study. I wrote about how I was struggling in understand what I was reading. I went deeper than that; I started to pray about my emotions that I don't understand, The feelings that don't make sense to me. My head has been swimming with all of these different thoughts, and I am bothered by my mix of complete contentment and complete displacement about my life right now. Every single detail of it. I feel like I am hot/cold about my lifestyle right now and don't know how to make feel like I am 100% good with what I am doing with my life.
On Sunday, I started reading "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" by Peter Scazzero again. I took a 3-month vacation from reading it. This book has been making me VERY self-reflective, and I have been spilling my thoughts and emotions to all these people as I have processed the 1/2 chapter that I have read over the last 2 days.
Today in this perfect day that I am experiencing. I have allowed myself to be reflective; I have asked God to open me up. I asked specifically for God to help me identify the feeling I have that I don't understand. I plan on blogging a lot this afternoon and explore the thoughts that have been swimming in my head for the last few days. I hope today is more than just a day off of work. I hope today the Lord will teach me something that I need to know.
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