Kids???

Oh man, I don't do well with hard questions. And Ham keeps throwing them at me. Last night we were texting, and somehow we got on the subject of having kids. Now, I am one who believes that I can't think or image my kid future, because that's a couple decision not an individual. I also don't see myself living the America dream life. Lets talk about how I butchered that conversation- what I was saying wasn't what I meant and kept digging myself into holes. In the midst of our conversation, he pulls out "brb, I gotta go shower " and then he returns and calls me to explain he thoughts on kids. He doesn't think he would be a good dad. But loves kids, and if he has them he
needs to be fully committed to raise them. From there we went to all the junk in his life, and how incredibly innocent I am. He has a ton of crap trailing behind him. I haven't experience any of that. Where we are now . This spot in our lives that we reconnected, we are on or very near the same path. And I wonder if we will be able to move forward at all together or if our past tracks will just hinder us and trip us up all over the place.
Ps I am certain that he is asking me all these hard questions as a test to see if he wants to move forward with me. Which makes it all the harder to process.

Answering hard questions

Ham and I have talk a lot via text message the last few days. I love that! It's really great and special to me. Last night I was telling him about my great day of giving boy advice to6th grade girls. And in this he REALLY emphasize being friends first. Like we aren't there yet(that's what I read into it) Then him being a great guy that he is, he starts telling me what The Lord has been teaching him at a conference he has been attending. His follow up question to that was "what has The Lord been teaching you lately?" lets talk about how every conversation The Lord and I have the past 3 weeks been on ham and skip. And that The Lord has been teaching me so much of him by ham. How do you respond to that? Ham and I have been and need to be really honest friends at this point, I can't lie to him, and I think he knew where my answer was going to go from our previous conversation. So I started sharing about being done with skip, forever. And how I have been relying on The Lord and have found joy in Him in the process. But as I said this and hear his response, I'm pretty sure he sees himself as my rebound. And that is hard. He is all about doing the right thing, and I think he is going to slow us down. Talk to me less. He is no idiot, I am sure he realizes that he has a lot to do with no more skip. As much as I want to date this guy and have lots of fun with him. I think I know I need to be smart in my actions. He has been hurt big time when he got divorce. We aren't 100% on the same track right now. This all could end in a huge ugly mess. I'm at a place where I really respect ham in making good decisions in life. And even if I don't like slowing down, letting ham not feel like my rebound, I may be the right decision and I really need to honor right decisions now.

I really respect ham, more so than most others in my life. I think my respect for him draws me to him the most.

Wait, what? Who just said that ?!

I feel absolutely crazy, for posting my last post. being at that point- especially from where i started this blog-- and the year and a half that i was prior to that. I felt sick to my stomach the moment I pushed "published" i immediately went to my prayer journal I found this, what God and I talked about a week ago. Must trust God! Don't depend on what I know!

Sail away skipper!

I just told ham(via texting) that I'm no longer pursuing skip anymore. AND ham and I are going out on Tuesday. So crazy, so fun. Still can't believe this is now the path I am on now!

Loving the hardship

Man, I am deep in thought. Words are stinging me close to the heart. Sermons, conversations with friends and guests, my thoughts and prayers. Everything seems to have much more meaning. Skip stopped talking to me 7 weeks ago. And though I didn't take it extremely hard. It started to become a relief when ham came into the picture. But alas, yesterday he facebooked me. 7 weeks of nothing and I finally feel okay looking into a new direction, then he contacts me. And not even with anything significant. I am struggling with faithfully following God , and honestly I love it because in this process I am learning so much of who he is. Scripture is become more real. Ham is bringing out a side of me that I thought was forever lost. It's a gift from God, and I am forever thankful. As I continue to think about time and the significance of it and how it works together, I think this time is big for me, a pivotal point. A remarkable pause in the significance love and grace The Lord shows us when we follow him. Who would of thought I would enjoy this hard journey so much!

Wise words received in a car ride

Church really hit me hard last night, I have been thinking about it a lot. This morning I went hiking and in the process I relistened to it. This quote was the hardest for me to swallow: "we got this loneliness hole and we can't understand why God hasn't filled it yet. And since God hasn't filled it yet we go out on our own and fill it ourselves. Or God hasn't filled it with the right one so we know that this one isn't exactly who he wants me to be with- but he is close-close enough. I will make it work." I felt so torn after hearing this. Lost, unclear of The Lord and trusting Him and what my own understanding is. But then I got in the car this afternoon with a good friend, and processing the sermon last night with her (we go to church together) she started to tell me a story that was full of wisdom and spoke deeply to my heart. In essence I know Gods promise, and I know that he has a. Plan for the end result. But I don't know what all needs to be done to get to the end. Ham is here and now and moving forward with him seems so right. He texted me tonight. I appreciate that so much. He doesn't know all this stuff going on in my heart right now, yet he is still reaching out to me, being my friend even though it seems like just being friends with me would turn him away.

In case you got lost in the rambling,
To conclude:
I am open and ready to move things forward with ham- he just doesn't know it yet.

Church kicked my butt tonight

Church is real and God speaks so clearly to me, yet i dont know how to proceed to what he says.
God spoke to me. he made it very clear that i was going to end up with skip. i was content, i waited, i put effort into maintaining a friendship with him. He returns to the US, I'm excited, he puts towards no effort to even contact me, for like 2 months now. Then ham comes into the picture- by The Lords doing. Im become open to dating this guy. so today at church we talked about jacob and when traveled, he slept on a rock and the Lord speaks to him. Telling him 6 strong promises and his response is questioning, doubting what he said. In proverbs 3:5-7 it says "trust in The Lord, and lean not on your understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight" I know this verse well. But have never thought about " lean not on your own understanding." With this whole thing of being open with ham, am I leaning on my own understanding and being selfish in wanting to date him. OR am hiding and not trusting in Gods plans if I change my heart and desire to move forward with ham. Deep in thought, going to have to pray lots about this, but right now both don't seem quite right. But moving forward with ham seemed so right a few days ago, and am unsure and uneasy about all the doubt I feel right now.

Verbal processing

In camp life I have about 4 people that I'm really close with. One of which is my boss. Who is really fun, wise, and I'm letting him see the real me. Last night, I told him about ham. That's crazy, we are friends, but I don't talk about things like that. It was good though. (And he told me that work shouldn't interfere with any dates and he will cover any shifts I need--great boss!) and tonight I talked about it with my closest camp friend. It's seems so real. This is so unlike me. I really need to step up and tell ham I'm wanting to date him. I don't know how to do that, in my head this conversation is a night hike setting. But, I don't know, I have never had to take back intentions like this. I hope he is interested in dating me, or else this is just a lot of buildup for nothing. I like to be around this guy, I could potentially lose it all, is it worth it? I sure hope so!

Following a direction-guessing on how to use a compass.

Am I off base? Am I being unfaithful to The Lord and his teaching? For the first time in my life, I am really open to dating, like real dating. Not my leading on a string of guys-distancing myself so I don't get hurt, so I don't have to deal with the hard relationship stuff track record.

Whenever I watch the bachelor, I think the ppl on there are way to focused on marriage, that they need not be so extreme. But now that I have a guy friend who is on that boat, I think I am ready to adapt a little to that mindset. I am ready to date. After talking to a college roommate and her encouragement, with our college neighbor, I'm ready to step-up, if only I didn't tell him about skip.

This seems so good, fun and healthy in my mind. I would be so proud to date this guy. But is he Hagar in my story? I don't think he is, but I don't know how it all pieces together.


This season of my life could be a milestone, a turning point--unforgettable . Or just be time sitting around for something else to really matter..

Here and now

I've been deep in thoughts. Thinking lately about how little the here and now plays apart in the big picture of my life. But the more I think about how little things are, I also think about how big other things could be. It's hard to remember the hard when things are good. Even when we spent significant time struggling with it. I am struggling with some hard things now(singleness, awful boss, living in a house fill of ppl, yet feel so alone within its walls) but most of these I see changing soon, it's not going to last forever, but the ever center question is, "what do I do in the meantime?"

Roommate wisdom

I was so blessed to have the same direct roommate all 4 years of college! I caught with her on the phone last night. She told me to be open in dating ham. And I think she is right! Skip hasn't been talking or putting forth any effort with me. And though I am not giving up on his faithfulness, within this journey, I think I need to be open and see what God has to offer with ham. I am really really excited about having him in my life, I feel so encourage and see God working in and through him. I want to make good decisions, and being closed off to him seems to be a poor one.
Disclaimer:
My decision doesn't change anything right now, just my heart which is big enough. I told ham straight up that I was waiting for someone else. So I suspect nothing to happen romantically. But we will see.

Party night!

Today seems to be the day of birthdays, it's ham's b-day. I am not celebrating with him, though through texting him yesterday, it sounded like he had nothing going--so of course i confirmed that. no one should spend their b-day alone, even if its with a friend they barely know. But then of my co-workers is going down to celebrate one of his friends birthday-- he invited me to join, I already made dinner plans with some other camp friends. (Ps this other party involves lots of drinking) But I wonder now. Would it have been stupid to go with this co-worker to some party that he would be the only one I know. I don't know him very well, but he seems to be the type that you can trust in in any social setting. The decision was made, I'm staying here, is this decision to my benefit, or am I missing out on a great night?

Reconnection

In my second year of college, I lived next to a bunch of guys who were the fun prankers, we often came home and all our furniture who be flipped upside down, throw rotten food at the complex across the way, jump off their counters to pester the ppl below them. Me and my roommates (most of us at least) had a dear love for these guys. If we ever bake, we ensured that we baked enough for them because they would always "stop by" right as it came out of the oven. We would have great conversations and tons of fun with these guys, but we were never more than good neighbors. So since that year I haven't talked or hung out with them at all. But lately I kept thinking about that year and felt the Lords prompting to catch up with them specifically Ham, Who I knew was from CA and had a small chance that he lived near me. Ham dropped off the face of the earth a few years ago, so I contacted his college roommate. Turns out he lives super close to me AND we met for coffee earlier this week! Never have I been so excited to reconnect with an old friend. But i also was a little nervous. This was the first time we have ever done anything outside of our apartment building and fast forward 6 years! It was so good! Most honest and open and fun reconnecting conversation I have ever had! I am so excited to have this guy as a friend, I really hope fun and great experiences come from this reconnection!!