Trash TV

I love The Bachelor and Grey's Anomomy (at least the first 5 seasons, I haven't watched any past those) But I am very selective in who I share that with because they are "trash tv" and if you say that around the wrong person, they will go on and on on how that is crap, and it's corrupting me  etc, etc, etc. 

However, I feel like both these shows really keep me in check. When I watch the bachelorettes I see girls being really ridiculous and large amount of people judging and looking down on them. I am often just as ridiculous as they are-- and live blindly to it. But boy, seeing how ppl react to those girls-- it changes you-- it helps you at level headed. 

Grey's Anatomy is a little different, you get to see pain, hardship and punishment for the crap you pull. It may be fun i the moment, but it never pays. 

My unsettling thoughts in remorse from having my mouth run wild

I'm numb right now. I feel like crap about what I did to my roommate. I don't know how to act when she gets home or what I should do now. 

I don't actually remember the whole situation that happened, I remember asking the guy who is always over if he would date my roommate, but I have no memory of what he said or where the conversation went after that. She is going to talk to him about his answer, which I think is a terrible idea- I think she needs to just drop it and move on-- but I created this mess so I have no place to say anything. 

I am typically pretty good at keeping myself out of hurting people's feelings. And in thinking back at what I did, I think it had a WAY bigger hurt on her than it would on someone else--and I don't know how to respond to having this hurt being tied to past things that I don't know about. How do I act when she comes home. What is going to be the result? She is really mad and hurt by what I did. Will I ever gain back her trust? Will our friendship be restored? Is everything going to far apart yet again? 

I suck

I hurt a close friend of mine the other day. She wasn't in the room, I asked one of my guy friends if he would date her. Not even seriously, because he has told me many times he isn't into me or her. 

I hurt my friends feelings serverly. I didn't even know it until tonight, she was acting funny, but I thought it was due to a headache or all the things going on this week. But it was because of mine hurtful question. 

Before I got my friends note on how I hurt her-- earlier today I was thinking about how I really don't like being around people for an extended amount of time-- it just leads to gossip and complaining and stories of the past. I don't need any of that in my life. I don't like the person I become. 

This past week, my friend Katie came to visit. I really love and appreciate her, but, when I spend lots of time with her, the worst of me comes out. I didn't see this at all when we were constantly together. I didn't actually see it at all until my boss told me that I became a completely different person once she left. I saw it some in the midst of it. I see it a lot now. 

I hate that I am such a weak person. I hate that I am not stable, I hate that small things in my life influence and change me in such a big way- and I'm not talking about just this instance, but that this is just one of the many many ways that I change and differ pending on who I am around. 

I'm a mess, I need help--major help. I am glad I have a savior that I can seek and pray to even when I am such a jerk and such a mess. Praying also allows God to open up my eyes and sees what I need to and shows me what I need to do. 

50 shades my uncomfortable confusion

I have been uncomfortable with the 50 shades previews, they creep me out. I hate how it starts out as a fun looking movie than morphs into this scary sexual story. 

There has been so much facebook attention--mostly negative. And even hearing about why I shouldn't watched it creeped me out because it made me think about what is in the move. I prayed/hoped that people seeing this movie would HATE it, and this whole bondage sex fascination the US has would go away. 

Today though, I saw on facebook two summer staff--Christian camp summer staff-- raving about it openly. One girl is crazy, I'll let her slide. But the other, the one who first posted it, didn't seem like that kind of girl at all. She is young, maybe 20, and she is openly exposing herself to that abusive garbage. 

The movie has 20ish minutes of sex--that seems like a lot of porn. That seems like something you shouldn't have in your mind.  

Direction

God, 

May you make it clear of where I need to go and what I need to do. Speak clearly to my heart, prepare me to hear, and help me do what I need to do step by step. 

God, you are preparing me for March. It is now so close. Less than a month away. Lord, prepare me more now than you have been before you set this month on my heart. Let me me ready and equipped for what is to come then. 

This sucks

Today, I did the right thing. I went to the dining hall and helped them clean up. And while I was there, a guy who works just part-time and I barely know informed me that one of my roommate is moving out. My boss told me that he was thinking about this a few weeks ago. I didn't think it was happening right now. This means that a girl I cannot stand is moving in. 

I'm pissed!! Things were going so well and now, my life is going to SUCK! I don't want to like with a really really immature 19 year old who sucks the life out of me! 

Which means, I have to get a new job. Which also sucks because I really like my job. This makes me so mad. 

Seriously, i hate being single. This is the worst. I'm so mad, and heartbroken, why does it have to be like this. 

Sweet encouragement

I got this text message the other night from my bosses wife. It really encouraged me and wanted to share and remember kind words said to me: 

People finder

Way back on my 23 birthday, skip and mick came over to my house with TONS of presents- they were moving so they wrapped up all of this random and great stuff they collected over ther year or two they were roommates. Everyone of my gifts made me laugh so hard, and feel so special- even though most of it would or at least, should, be brought to the goodwill ASAP. 

My favorite gift of all was "the People Finder" it came in this big black case with these custom foam inserts with these pager-like things and other "high tech-ness" that looked to come straight out of 1977 (and most likely did)  we couldn't figure out how it worked, but this box made me laugh so hard. It truly was my favorite gift I ever got. There are so many funny jokes, and sound effects you can make when a "people finder" is in front of you. 

I gave it away-- it's not a useful or logical thing to keep-- but I kinda wish I didn't. It was a really special gift. 

I'm excited to see what skip and I will be like as a couple, I really liked being his friend, it was so fun and my heart always felt warm. 

How much more will I love having a deeper relationship with him than that?