Home bound

Things got better during my time at the rents! I am so thankful! I was able to see my favorite cousin. Go to the camp that I used to work at and reconnect with many dear friends and see the amazing improvements they have done to the place (it looks AMAZING!) 

This trip back to camp was good for me. They are a second family (i have many second families) and it was good to reconnect and see how much has changed since I was last there in my life. Some good, some not so good. But that is part of the process. I see that  I am putting my relationship with The Lord on the shelf.-- I can see it, it's on display, I can talk about it, and even think about it. But it's not active. It's not in the everyday part of my life. Sure it comes down a day here and there.  But I think it needs to be more like my jeans( or sweatpants) lived in, never making it to the shelf because its silly to put them away, because they are so apart of my life. 

This time away has made me miss ham a lot. The main thing I miss about him is how he made me think and view the world. He transformed my relationship with The Lord. He opened my eyes and help me see God way honestly.  I think I need him, or a new him like that in my life. ---suppose I need to get God off the shelf and surrender this with many other things to him. 

---

I think as I was home longer, I made it clear that I was not okay with my dad treating me like dirt, and talking to me in really negative ways. I would walk away from conversations (only like twice, I'm not super brave) and tried to twist those negative conversations to something not trashing people. And it improved the situation greatly! That's really good!

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Right before my boss left for vacation at the beginning of December, he told me some things that I didn't quite understand until a good 5 days later. 

A guy I work with is trying to become my direct boss, in my department, and it is my role to train him on how the office works. That is fine expect that he SUCKS!! REALLY SUCKS!! He is on my list of 3 people who need to leave stat. I am mainly struggling with my current boss on this. I trust him, and I this in a way, breaks my trust in him.

 I don't understand what he is doing at all. This makes me distrust him, and I don't want that. This move doesn't make sense to me at all, I feel like he has the same or more issues with this guy than me. I have been looking for other jobs. If this decision is made to indeed have him be my boss, I really don't think I have any other choice but to leave. 

This is hard. I feel that until this move, things have been getting better and better, now this, dang, this sucks. It has been wreaking my insides for almost a month. And I don't think people can really understand my hurt in this. It's like a personal jab, that you only get. I kinda see this in movies, mean girls does this high school style, they compliment your shirt, but both people know they just jab you BIG TIME-- where outsiders think "what a nice compliment" and how do you explain their insult when it came in compliment words? It's kinda like that... 

Ps don't drink coffee on the morning that you fly, makes you pee way too much! 

Airport view!!!(from pick-up area) 

All those sappy Christmas song ain't how I'm feeling this season

I have been very much reminded this past week that I do not want to be like my family. Very specifically, my dad.  I am having a REALLY hard time being here. And it's because I am surrounded by values and mindsets that I don't agree with nor want to be like. 

As you are at my parents physical house you can see it two ways. 

Way #1: a beautiful country house sat off the road with 2 residences and large workshop. The main house is filled with festive north woods items, and has a view of a lake from main level of the house. 

Way#2: out in the middle of nowhere, you will pull into a driveway with crap in the yard. Like a junkyard. There's a large shop surrounded by boat/truck pieces. In the house down the way. You will find some areas of nice laid out furniture and spaces, but also feel like you are in an episode of hoarders. Tiny TVs, that don't  all quite work right in the house, but thankfully have dish connected. You have to ask where everything came from because everything has a story attached. 

The reality of the second way of describing this house is sinking in. But when I'm away, and the longer i am away I remember it more like situation 1. 

I also do this when remembering what it is like being with my dad. I consistently remember him as being rough around the edges, and stuck in his ways. But i forget how those quirks effects me in strong ways. 

I really do not want my life to end up my my parents. You can twist their life to make it sound good. But in reality it is nothing that what I want it to be. Nor do I want the same values, bull headedness and viewpoint that he lives out. 

My dad is an "expert" in everything. And has a story for everything. And in listening to his expertize and stories, closely this week, i am reminded and see his core values come out.

--He is all about bullying, in his stories, the bullies are turned to be a good guy, a real "mans man" but they get whatever the hell the want by bullying. And not only  does he admire bullies, he bullies alot himself, and is dang proud of it. 

--He must have control of all situations and he is the expert. I have learned that you NEVER argue with the crap he says. You can't win, he is a bully, and has learned how to shut you down into an empty pit. Even if you have great logic or proof, he isn't open to hear, his need for control and bully tendencies makes it impossible.

-- as most bullies, once you pull away the tough shell, you have a really insecure guy. If anyone fights with him and they have the upper hand, or offend him in some way. They are blacklisted! Their name is now rubbed in the dirt. There can be no forgiveness. You are just done. It's sad.  And I think this makes it so my relationship with my parents is so fake. 

--I have kinda said this already, but my dad has this thing for menly men. And I typically see these men that he admires as so as huge jackasses! And, not only do these jackasses get gloried, normal nice men get torn to pieces. And [gasp] men who are from a real city, have no hope. They are forever the inferior being. If you work in business, make big bucks and support and spend time with your friends/family, but call a plumber to do a home repair--- you are a pansy of male race. Doesn't matter what you face and deal with in life. They are forever a pansy in my dads eyes. I think that is incredibly unfair. 

I knew coming into this time at my parents would eventually be hard. All Christmas memories of my adult life with them have tears and frustration and being miserable memories tied into them.  But this time, I have more of a clear head, and good stable adults that support me and love me that are daily in my life. And I am seeing that I carry more issues than I realize into the real world with me. That being raised in the house that I have paralyzed me in some areas of my life. 

I see this at work a lot. I need to have an opinion at work, and go with it. I rarely got to think for myself growing up. I got to make my own decisions. But before I made them-the big ones, I felt I needed my dads approval. He would help me out if I needed it in my battles (and always win, b/c I see now, he is a bully) I am now afraid to make any move without approval. There are other things as well. And I don't want to play the blame game here. That's not fair. But I think I need to keep looking and figuring out my issues and change them. Because in no way do I want to stop at any point in my life, look back and say"my life now looks like my upbringing"

so I have never wanted a guy I'm interested to ask my dad for my hand in marriage. The reason being is that I truly do not want him to approve of him, and that he is nothing like him. I DO NOT WANT to marry a jackass. And if that is what my parents look for as a good quality, I want them to disapprove big time. 

This in a way seem mean of me to publish, but I think it will be a start of my healing. So world, here you go... My first published personal issue discovery! 

Let the recovery began! 

Fly away...

Here I am sitting on an airplane about to return to the homeland of Minnesota for the first time since I left a year and 3 months ago. 

I am excited to see my mom. I'm excited to be part of the life that used to be mine. I always romanticize home in my head when I have been away for a long time. I don't really know how to process the thought" it's not going to be as good as I want" but I really think it will be good. I am preparing myself by reading "the single women" by Mandy hale. One of the hardest parts of home is always being reminded that its just me. So son-in-law for my parents, no grand kids. Just me. I am thankful that has gotten easier, but it's not that easy. I am realizing that it's not just me and a handful of friends who are in this life stage. But that there is a whole world filled with us. Upper-twenties, focused,career driven, feel like an outcast because we are missing a shiny piece of metal wrapped around our forth finger on our left hand. 

I am really thankful for Katie and Jack this Christmas season. I think they are Gods gift to me for this season of my life. I am able to be real with them. I am able to have companionship, a safety net. They always welcome me down the hill with them. Making it so I don't have to go to church, stores, restaurants  alone. I hate being alone. 

Well here are my thoughts for the day. Pray that this trip will be good!

Thanksgiving fun and bonus story

So today I read "stuff Christians like-Christmas singles edition today" I read these, but not one to comment on it. I not only wrote my own story but commented on 3 others posts. Then I found a link to this AMAZING blog, singlechristiangirls.wordpress.com which is an incredible blog, way better than mine, you should actually read hers. 

Anyway, reading all of these single girls stories made me realize I haven't shared all of mine and that ready just what I have wrote recently, you don't get the correct picture at all. So sit back and relax here my late November stories. 

So a week prior to thanksgiving, a guy friend(coworker) of mine asked if I was going anywhere for thanksgiving, I wasn't. And he invited me to go with him to one of the families that had adopted him in SD. So the tues before, he tells me that none of the people he normally does thanksgiving with invited him(us) but that we can go to downtown San Diego and do our own thing, just us. 

Now, this is the guy that EVERYONE that knows both of us, is trying to set us up. Whenever we walk anywhere together, speak to each, are in the same room, you know that people are noting that and talking about it, updating their bets on when we are going to get married. 

To me, this is a nice guy I know, that I like to spend time with because he reminds me that you can be in your upper-20s single, and NORMAL! (As you all know, I don't see much of that in my neck of the woods.

So, thanksgiving is going to be a date. Okay, that's fun, I'm nervous.

my friends Katie and jack are the hub of my social life. I pretty much hang out with them every night at their house. They were out of town, and I'm cat sitting for them. I head over to there house Wednesday night to take care of their cats, and Alberto is on the couch at their house watching Greys anatomy. So, this guy that I think I have a date with the next day with, and never hang out just us, are in our friends house together, alone. I am completely uncomfortable, I don't really know how to act around this guy. So I sit on the couch and talk Greys with him. After an episode or two, we pause the show, and talk for like an hour about his life-upbringing, theories of things, how he sees God, etc.. It was good, real, but later I kept thinking" what will be talk about tomorrow?"

 so, if you knew me 3 years ago, I was the girl who always was trying to figure out how to snuggle up with any kinda-cute guy on the couch when the tv was on, didn't have to like him, I just wanted to snuggle.. and was good at getting my way! Though my heart is still the same, I stayed on the opposite end of the couch (it's a huge sectional) and didn't push that on him at all, be proud. I sure am! 

Thanksgiving Day: 

Incredible! It was bachelor date quality! Super fun, adventurous, a little awkward cause we don't date each other, and never done anything like this, and overall I'm just terrible at being comfortable on dates.  

Thanksgiving is def the day to go downtown because everything is quiet, empty but everyone you encounter is happy because its a holiday, and you don't hang out down town normally on this day. 

We park on the empty streets and walk around. Seeing what/where we want to go. I love walking and talking. I wish you could list that as your favorite hobby, because it's so easy and fun! We end up at this bar/ restaurant, we eat, talk watch football. 

We finish, I really wanted to see the boats. We walk and see them. I REALLY love boats and was kinda over the top excited, and he let me look at all of them. 

There is some famous aircraft carrier that was turned into a museum that I guess everyone knows about and it's really a patriotic symbol, I have no idea what it was and mocked it. Alberto really loved making fun of me for my insensitivity and lack of knowledge on American history.

We returned back to downtown, went to a bar, he had a drink, and watched the football game. How our table was, I sat close to him on his side. It was pretty darn perfect because it let us comfortably talk to each other without a whole table between us or being shoulder to shoulder.---- By now conversation is more natural for us, we are laughing more, we leave small talk, and start to be more real. He tells me what he is passionate about. I get to see the depth of his heart, how he sees the best in ppl, and how he intentional works with them. I see wisdom that I didn't know was there. 

It is dusk, and it is time to go! We get in the truck and drive across this huge bridge to another part of SD, he timed this out perfectly!! The sunset/city lights were epic! One of the prettiest things I have seen in my life (just like bachelorettes get in the tv show) we went to his favorite beach just as it gets dark, the waves were perfect they had this great roar to them as they came in. I had never been to the beach at night. There was a sand castle professionally made in the sand. I was in awe. Alberto showed me where things were.---- Even now,I can close my eyes and see everything just as it was--

Alberto LOVES sushi, so he then took me to this awesome hole-in-the-wall sushi place where he greets the owners with hugs because he goes there so often, and orders us sushi, tons of different kinds, he told me that I had to eat it with my hands and that I can't use my fork, it was great. This place didn't have football on, he was beside himself, which let me make fun of him. We went back home. Just talked. 

So we didn't hold hands,or kiss, or anything, which I am good with. 

We are with each other often, and I don't think I could ever seriously date him if I wasn't confident that we would end in marriage by how much our lives intercept. I'm glad we had this date, but really thankful it was just a date, not the set beginning of this serious relationship. 

So this whole thanksgiving thing happened, then my previous post on my work evaluation happened. Then it was Tuesday night after thanksgiving.

 I was still a mess, an even bigger mess than before. I went over to Katie's and jacks to take care of the cats, and to cry and call one of my friends to help me figure out what is wrong with me. Well Alberto is there again...Watching chuck, I haven't talked really for a full day now, I sit on the couch, he watches chuck, I start texting my best friend who really is good at helping you see what is ACTUALLY bugging you. So I am texting away, and with 5 minutes left of chuck I figure out what my issue is. (Thank goodness for friends who know how to make you process) so the episode ends, I look up at Alberto, and say, "I haven't been okay since yesterday afternoon, and I now know what has been bothering me so much!" And I was able to tell him that I have issues in telling people what to do when they don't want to do it.

 He really helped me processed that, and we had this incredible conversation, after me not talking for 2 days(we were together for most of that time) 

Anyway, he went out with some other girl last weekend. I am good with that. It takes pressure off of us for me if he is dating someone else.

 Thanks for reading my LONG story, it's so good for me to process and share these things going on in my life! 

Below: pic from thanksgiving from our boat walk, the only picture I took the entire day. 

Easier route needed?

I am so scared of life. Today I had my annual review at work. I got promoted, you would think I would be celebrating, but instead, I am really scared. It doesn't make sense. I am doing exactly the same thing as before. But I can't handle it. I messed up today. I feel intense pressure to all of a sudden be absolutely incredible. I feel sick and have felt this way for days. I don't think I will do a good job. I don't think I have it in me to stand up and do what needs to be down. 

Part of me wishes right now I took the easy road. Stayed near my parents, all my family and work a simply job where there was no pressure where, I have no authority, I simply do what I am told.

 I have lots of tension, I can physically feel it in my body. My face, calves, and feet ache by holding in all this tension. I lost my appetite, food has tasted sour to be for a few days now. I think the stress of my job, my anger towards ppl in my professional life and the fact that I went on a date with a guy I work with on thanksgiving and don't know how I feel about it or him is really wearing on my body. I'm a mess. I'm often a mess. How did I end up here. My boss told me today, that I need to really be in-tune with the Holy Spirit to do well with my job. That a lot of what I do is dependent on Him and rely on his workings.

 I think I might be depressed. Like true depressed. I don't understand any of my feelings. Does anyone else struggle in this? How does one become a real adult? Why am i all alone in this? 

I really want a hug right now, a tight one that doesn't let go and let's all the tears I have been holding in, come out and soak their shirt. And in the midst of that,hug me tighter. And be there for me as I am this crazy messed-up person. 

PO'ed hard core!!

I am SO MAD!!!!! I'm mad at how people treat me, I'm mad how I am a push over. and that i wont be supported in the decision i had to make and this bitch will get she wants!! 

I'm mad at my boss for booking a 1night retreat in aprilwhen he clearly knows  and personally made the rule that we dont book 1 nighters unless its one month away. I'm mad that he is never here, and That im left on my own to all these hard decisions. 

I'm mad that ppl who suck still work here. 

I want to put my hands up in my air, yell and scream, walk out and walk into a life that is good to me and always fun. I am sick of this stress. I'm sick of failing. I'm sick of this feeling of not even knowing what to do in situations. I'm scared of life. Straight up terrified. I'm sick of facing this life alone, not even able to open up about this fear I have because it's so intense. It's not the big stuff I fear: death, tornados, cancer. Because ppl come aside you and help you with the big stuff. It's the little things that scare me: flat tires, understanding insurance, breaking an arm. These things I don't know how to deal with and really really scare me! 

I think if I didn't fear life, I could deal with my anger better right now! I AM SO MAD!! I want to be done with it, but not. I don't know how to drop it, deal with it.. I feel so taken advantage of, under qualified, 

I feel like I need to end on a positive note.  Like " just keep swimming" or scripture passage, or a cs Lewis quote. But lets just face it. They make us all the more mad in our pitty parties. I don't need to be thrown under the bus even more when I'm mad with something to sooth it over!! 

Okay seriously, the girl who sucks just let the third phone line ring til voicemail while the other 2 of us were on the other lines. She serverly sucks!!! "Go do your damn job girl or even better, get the hell out of here" that's what I want to scream at the top of my lungs right now! So dang badly!! 

I bet you all are wishing you got to share an office with me today😉

Keeping up with the jones

Today I sat outside of Starbucks where two mid-twenty friends caught up.  They both are " keeping up with the jones" type, very very slowly learning that it doesn't matter, but not at a place where they have applied that. There relationship was superficial for the most part. Talking about their new, but not ideal cars they got this year, their husbands jobs, and new career opportunities. One girl asked the other how her and her husband were doing. We get the first "real" ness out of these two friends. She is having BIG marriage issues because her husband only cleans up the garage every few months and it is an absolute embarrassment to the wife when ppl come over. And that he doesn't respect her enough to keep that appearance up for their friends. In writing out her answer now. My perspective of the situation changed. For "jones" type ppl, honestly doesn't come out about about their jone behavior. Because its redicilous! But she did. That's real with this type of personality, it's hard to say things that really bug us when they are stupid like that. I know things really bug me. And that bystanders may have the urge to blog about how redicilous I am about the truth of the things that bug me at Starbucks. I hope that one day I will love my husband enough to not care what others think to let it get in the way of our relationship and I hope this girl sees that light as well as she just said the root of her issues outloud to her friend. Wish the two of you the best! So thankful of my life where no one cares about what the jones are up to!

Phone-a-thon advice

If you ever went to college, you learn that as soon as you leave you get a yearly phone call from a student asking for $$$. I had one of those experiences last night. And I was so excited to talk to a freshman. James is who I talked to, he clearly was trying to get done with this call as fast as possible. As he was going through his rehearse talk, I kept interrupting asking about his life. I didn't get much out of him. But no the less I enjoyed the conversation. He called mid-work-out, and as I spent the next 10 minutes sweating, my mine wandered to my freshman days and all the things I learned and wished I knew. I wrote them down and sent them to James. (Having my envelope giving every detail I learned about this kid, asking one of their mail room staff to figure out and deliver it to him)  sending some kid advice is very uncommon not just for me, but for most of the world. Not sure if it will be helpful for him at all. But it was good for me to think back and reflect on this time in my life. ... Oh and below is what I said, you can get the same advice as James if you want 😉

October goals

Today while I was out hiking and listening to yesterday's church service. I decided to set some goals for myself for October: I figured I would have better follow through if I established them so here they go:

    • to pray via journaling everyday

    • to pray about my long-term future and be prayful/brain storming what I need to do now to get there

    • to do Callanetics 6 out of 7 days a week, having at least 3 of those sessions being the hour long video 

    •to meet a person in the same stage of life as me (hardest goal by the way) 

    • to read 4 books-- below are the books I'm thinking of reading but not my set goal books (aka I can change my mind still) 

           ~the single women

           ~ the next generation leader

           ~ the five love languages for singles

          ~real influence (don't own this one yet but looking to see the cheapest way to obtain it)

Not content

Wow, things have really changed in the past 5 hours. I am not content. I feel like I'm fearing life, not good enough to be social with people, and out of no where ridiculously missing ham and a relationship that was nothing. How does these walls hit so hard and so fast? How should I recover and become better person from this? That's what I want, I don't want to oppress my feelings and convince myself it's okay. But instead make this exactly the life I want it to be. I only get to do this once, lets live-it-up! 

Small world after all.

This summer has been a whirlwind, most days I felt overwhelmed by all that I needed to do in my new role at camp, and angry how my co-office workers had nothing to do really, but not have the ability or willingness to help with all that was overwhelming on my shoulders. Well this fall much hasn't changed on that since, though now, instead of feeling like I'm drowning, I feel like I'm swimming laps in a large body of water, looking ahead and hoping the waves die down in size.  Ham and I haven't talked at all since Iast mentioned that text conversation this summer. I am content in that. I occasionally think about him and pray for him, but mostly have a burden to pray for his little sister, a college freshman that I can't even remember her name.

This past week, we had an outdoor Ed group at camp. I wasn't involved with them at all, but I needed one of the teachers to come to the office and fill out some paperwork for a notary that drove up. Her last name was ham, but she pronounced it different than the guy I always talked about, and thought nothing more of it. One of the girls in my office REALLY connected with her. And was telling a bunch of us all that she had in common with her, and about her life. It at the time reminded me of ham, but thought nothing of it, they went to the same church thought maybe they knew each other but never asked. They left yesterday, last night I remember that how we pronounce the hams name is fictional and in a quick Facebook search discover that my co-workers new best friend is really the ham's sister-in-law. 

We have an all staff beach party tomorrow, pretty sure my co-worker invited them to join us. If they are there, I'm going to take a pic with them and text it to ham. Not sure how this would actually go down, but I've been praying since last night, that in all of this. I will get to see ham tomorrow and that we are in a place where I can greet him with a hug. 

Big news

Man oh man, I really needed to blog the other day... I tried, I was going to be real cool and tell seri everything I wanted to say while I was hiking in the woods, but alas seri doesn't work when you don't have wifi or service... So I had significant news then, and even more now... Ladies and gentlemen you are in a long a signaficant blog tonight! 

Sundays news:

Ham just stopped talking to me like 2 weeks ago... And it pissed me off, no fight, no real warning... He was just gone.. So I had a hundred different theories of why, I felt hurt in this weird way, and I decided that I needed to talk to him about it, and in this conversation I was willing to get fully honest and even let it be a little ugly. Before I texted him I went on a hike to pray about whst I was doing.  (That's where my blog fail btw) and in this I prayed for our conversation and that my words and his words and both of our hearts would be good. So I had all this build-up and then his really easy conversation with ham.. I would say too easy, but he assured me that we are good, and that his knee has made him antisocial-- there's no ifs ands or buts about it. Our relationship has changed. But I'm not cut out, and that's all I need for now. Saying that it's sounds desperate, and it is... But I don't want forever love and romance with him now. I want him to be my friend and help me feel normal and network with other normal ppl and have someone who listens that is on my side yet not always agree with me. Ham challenges me and teaches me so much about real life like no one else has. I trust him with my real identity, he is so good for me. But I have learned these past few weeks he doesn't want a romantic relationship with me, which really really makes me not want one with him!  

So in-conclusion, ham and I are good for the moment, we will see how long that lasts and def no romance.

Big news #2:

My awful boss will no longer be my boss and that the boss I really respect will take that job over, make the position amazing and hand it over to me after his time of improving it.

Umm... Yeah this is way bigger than the ham news... But I haven't fully processed it. I am terrified at failing at being guest service coordinator. I don't want to deal with all the hard stuff. My old boss and I are basically switching jobs, pretty sure I'll have to train her on campfinance-- that will be so awkward and hard!! I kinda freak out thinking about it. It's going to be really hard and stretching for me. I'm glad I have time to switch into this role, oh man... I really need to improve on my leadership skills NOW!

Also I spilt red wine on my friends whitr carpet tonight.. That really sucks!! 

Had a pity party with tears writing this post

I'm having one of those nights where I know in need to blog, but really don't want to. I don't want to think about my feelings that I'm harboring inside. I don't want to process where I'm at and what I am doing. I just want to drown my night my watching reruns of sonny with a chance and to go to sleep. But alas, I am not. 

I really fear that my life at camp may have run it's very short course. I don't think my heart is pure in this. I don't think I know or can show love the way a true camp person should. I am not ready to walk away tomorrow. But I don't want to have a cheesy camp relationship, and I really want to be married. I think I really need to be in some kind of romantic relationship this year. 

I am really really jealous of ham and his number of close real friends. I don't want to necessary be the cool kid, but I want lots and lots of friends, who are in the same life stage as me, who I can date and hang out with. I don't know how to get that or maintain that where I am but I think that would change my life. 

Ham pretty much stopped talking to me. That sucks. I really really want to know why. If he is done with me then he needs to be done. If he's not, than I need to know. I feel like I need to have faith in some part of our relationship, and I have none. I don't even know if he will ever talk to me again. He comes from a messy background- but that's no excuse-- I want to know where I stand and let my heart align with that. I think I also know that he is blowing me off for E my college roommate-- which I am deep down not okay with. If you are going to go after some other girl, could you not make it one of my best friends from college??? 

That thought hurts and bothers me a lot, and I don't even know if it's true and I'm still bothered by the last conversation  E and i had.

 Me and E didn't talk for the longest time. I would call and call her, and our last conversation hurt me-- I don't know how to fix that or handle her talking to ham all the time. I feel kicked to the curb by both but can't justify that anger. Shit-- I was the one who wanted them together in college-- it was my dream to set them up, now I'm just in the way and they are both dealing with me by cutting me out of their lives. 

What a loser i am. How insignificant I am in this world. I wish these words were just my pity party and not my reality. I'm not close to anyone anymore. I live on a.pretty isolated mountain, all of my friends have really signicant ppl in there lives and very established. And here I am. Just floating-- and doing a crappy job at that. Camp is about changing lives- but I don't even care. I see the money side. I see the crap and drama behind the scene. I am not open or let The Lord work though me. Why am I even here if I have lost my passion?? Why don't I go to a place and renew who I am and figure out how to be the person I was meant to be. 

I am scared to leave here. I don't think I would make it. I don't know how to live on my own. I think I need a husband. I wish getting one, the person I can trust and love and do life with was right there-- I need my life to be on track-- I need to bring and have significance in this world- I need to change. And get all the sticks out of my butt. I'm a mess! I have had streams of tears roll out of my eyes writing this.

Man I'm in more of a worst place than I imaged. Though its good for me to start this process- I hate how hard it is!

Convicted

I need to change in big ways!Yesterday morning I had a good conversation with God. I acknowledged that my ways were me being sinful and that I needed to turn away from that. My morning was so good. I felt alive!! Summer staff arrived, and I was flooded with memories of living with this particular girl last winter. She drove me crazy(close to literal) and suddenly I was on my defense again. I was instantly annoyed at life, all because of this girls presence! My office was crazy all afternoon. I couldn't think straight,I couldn't keep up with the chaos. But in that I couldn't get over the fact that this girls personality was messing with me. I need to figure out how to not let that have control over me. it Only brings harm to me. We kicked off summer training with a worship night. Prior to its starting, I had a really good conversation with my bosses wife. She was having a rough night, but in the midst of that, she encouraged me and told me she really appreciates me. That means a lot! Worship was incredible, the games were fun and my boss came up and talked about the power of camp as much as we need to care about the logistics of camp, we need to focus in on our heart and how Jesus changes our lives and the direct word of God needs to be our source of following him. I know this, but did I ever need to be redirected last night!  As you all know I kinda fear the bible. I don't always get it, I don't know how to execute what it tells me to do and frankly I get confused of who God is by it. But my boss told us. We can't start by reading tons at a time, just like you can't run a marathon your first time putting on your running shoes. But you need to start slow, start by only reading a verse a day and think and pray over its meaning that day. And work our way up into being a "bible thumper" --- can I say CONVICTED!! I need to do this! 

So I work up hungry this morning at 8:00 and went right down to camp breakfast, with just barely changing out of my pjs and decided to stay for all staff devos. Our program director spoke out of Ephesians. This hit me hard. He talked about grace and one time when he was asking a camper about grace he told him when you receive grace it makes you feel wanted. That's so true and so honest! I feel so wanted when I get grace- never thought about it like that, makes Gods grace so much more meaningful! And with grace comes responsibility. And he said all this. Great stuff. I went home, and I wanted to review what he said and now I am stuck on this verse. Ephesians 4:3 " make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace" and I know what it means but I have no idea of how the hell to do that? What would that look like... I know I know.. I need to pray and think on it and God will show me in his time. And I know he is probs wanting to teach me deep and great things through this verse because I am stuck on  it and because I don't rely on The Holy Spirit and suck at keeping peace with all my gossip. 

See where my fear of the Bible comes from. man do i need to be radically changed. my heart is so far from being right!

Went to his house

I hanged out with ham at his place today. It was good but I thought it would be a lot better. I think he didn't really know how to have me over. Like he didn't know how to entertain me or something. He was texting a lot while I was there. It really really bothered me! He was suppose to pay attention to me! And I think he was texting my college roommate E, which I have huge issues with. I wanted to set up ham and E up in college, I fear that what I have with ham is nothing and that he is just using me to get to her. My own rebuttal to myself is... You are bring ridiculous. If they are meant to be, then that's it, I need to step out of the way. Or he is just being friends with your friends, there is nothing wrong with that. But even with my self rebuttals, I don't like it. I don't like it at all. 

Ham has been very  open with me lately, yet tonight he seemed so distant. He did just injured his knee, and it wasn't like he was disengaged but not 109% like normal. He didn't flirt with me either. He didn't cuddle with me on the couch- which I really wanted him to do. In hindsight it's probs for the better. He is very OCD about cleanliness and order of things. He recently told me that he is bipolar, which out of everything scares me the most. Honestly, at this moment I don't think ham and I will end up together forever. And that makes me rely sad. I really like him and us having a romance seems good. But I think we are more different than a lasting relationship can handle. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe this is right and I'm nitpicking the details apart. I hope we have some good conversations soon. I hope we have the ability to have good conversations outside of just texting.

Man I have a crush on this kid. I think he might be clueless of that.

The hard has past... of this weekend

So I just looked at my last post and so thankful that I already told you about how needy I have been- pretty much that lasted all of saturday(it was also a hard day at work I was sleep deprived, understaffed and had tons of complaints and requests to deal with.) ham and I exchanged only a few words that afternoon, and they were very insignificant. So I woke up early Sunday morning, and I was praying he would talk to me, look at my phone, be disappointed that nothing was there then fall back asleep. This cycled happened like 6 times then I finally got up and went to lunch. After that I decided to lay in the hammock and have some God time. In that he texted me. I was bold, I asked him to hang out with me that afternoon, he agreed- then quickly retracted that when he realized his timeline didn't work with meeting up. But we texted the entire afternoon. And had real conversation, we talked about our love languages ( which are exactly the same-- and he told me his first so I know it's true) we talked about our lives biggest struggles- I told him a secret that I have never told anyone before, we laughed at our geeky loves( well just his last night) and I even was at a place where I told him he could ask me anything--- he's been an open book to me for a while. I complimented him, in a very flirty way. I also told him he has told me many words of affirmation and I was surprised that wasn't a more dominate love language-- which I felt awkward after saying that, cause I just told him he was showing me love, which was weird to talk about. Anyway it was really good, we are going to try and hang out at his house this weekend, which I am really excited about. I think I'll be way more comfortable at his house than a restaurant/coffee shop. It will be like old times.hopefully it will work out. 

In non-ham news:

I told ham I needed to be real with God, which made me be real with God. I know I need to be faithful, and I asked God to be real to me in his word because the Bible has been a place of disconnect for me lately. I have a long way to go in being fully dependent on him 100% of the time but I am glad that he has grace and will love me even when I screw up. 

Skip is applying for his visa today to be back in Europe for 2 years. He hopes to be back by July. Part of me doesn't care at all because I'm mad at how he didn't care or do anything when I stopped talking to him. I feel so done in everything skip. And I hope that is only a season because I think he does great in ministry and hope I didn't stand in the way of that. 

End of thoughts for now. Thanks for letting me review/debrief/reflect with you today!! 

Drop of thoughts

Tonight I have a few thoughts:

I need to be more passionate about God's word and spending time with him. I laid out on the hammock in my backyard attempting to read psalm 74. Last night it was read aloud to me and had auch great meaning. But tonight it just seemed to be meaningless words scrambled on a page. Why do I go through seasons like this? I don't think I have discovered how to get personal and relational with God when I'm alone with him and his book. I really really should pray about that. 

I saw a picture of skip on Facebook today. It's crazy how much my feelings have changed for him. I can't image at all liking him or being with him. It scares me a little how fast those feelings disappeared. And I still don't know what god is going to do with me and my unfaithfulness/obedience in this. Or if I'm in his will. I bet I have been distancing myself from him because I'm afraid to ask. 

I have been really needy for hams attention today, REAL NEEDY! He had a huge project at work he had to work on and didn't talk to me at work at all (except he responded to a picture I texted him---because I'm real needy today) we texted a very very limited amount tonight, and he just stopped after I asked where he was. On a normal day, I would think, " his phone died" "he didn't see my text go through" "he got distracted, really busy" but today on my needy day I think"he hates me, he sees how needy I am and pushing me away, he's bored with me..etc" I realize I'm needy and my thoughts aren't rational. And I shouldn't be pestering him. But I really really really want him to pay attention to me at this second. 

Lastly, I am annoyed that I don't know how to find other ppls blogs that are similar to this. I feel like I can't be the only anonymous blogger out there who is processing:love, God, camp, life, in real time. How the heck do you connect with people 100% randomly in this?? I don't get it!!

I really want to hear how The Lord has been shaping and growing in ham in the last month. I wish he would call me right now and ask me!  Man do I need attention right now!! I should also go to bed! Night y'all!!

Me, jealous?? Only a lot!!

So last time I hung out with ham, we were talking to my old roommate together. Then he asked me for her number. I gave it to him, and asked just last night if he has talked to her at all. He told me that he has been talking to her and then changes the subject! He brought her back in ten minutes, but he had that time gap to choose his words. It makes me really really jealous that he is talking to her. I want to be selfish and keep him all to myself. In college, I always wanted her and ham to be a couple. They were way better friends than ham and I in that season of life. They get along really well. My last conversation with my old roommate didn't go well. She was a huge negative Nancy. I didn't feel comfortable at all talking about ham with her. She had nothing good to say at all and it upset me for a couple of days. As much as I know she isn't going to come up and steal ham from under me, I fear that happening. I fear that ham is going to drop me and will pursue her. 

I don't want to be overly innocent and think that ham isn't dating anyone else in this season of ours. Here's a high chance he is. He mentions time to time doing things "with a buddy" which could be code for " date with..." And even though I know that could be happening I don't think it is. And bothers me so much less the fact that he could be actually dating other girls  than him talking to my old roommate, I have a chance trumping random girls. But I can't compete with her.. She's my friend and I have no hope of winning. 

I know I'm overreacting, that's what jealous ppl do! They probs just have debated Harry potter like he said he did and talked about me. Man, do I hope that's true. Do I hope they talk less than us!

Waiting on Gods faithfulness

I'm in such a different place than I was a few months ago. I was waiting on Gods faithfulness and now I'm figuring out where I am with this guy who returned to my life out of the woodwork. I've started processing and figuring out God things on this blog instead of turning and talking to Him and reflecting about it here. I heard yesterday that you have to hit rock bottom before you can see how you rebelled against God. I would say that right now I am far from rock bottom and see my rebellion. And I am so thankful that God has allowed me my few steps off trail before I ended up in a pit. But it still seems hard to turn back from my old ways.  It seems shameful to go back to God after turning my back on our relationship again and again in the simple part of doing life together and having Him lead the day to day part of my life. But I need to. I need to seek after Him and find and figure out how to faithfully follow him in every lesson and stage my life brings to me. It's all about surrendering, which is so dang hard to do! 

Called that old roommate...

I called my old roommate today that ham and I talked to last night. It was hard. She told me that my best friend and direct roommate in college had a thing with ham like a year and a half ago. She made it seem like a full pledge long- distance relationship with a break-up and everything. Part of me doesn't believe this- my roommate of 4 years surely would let me. Right?! Or least not encourage me to move forward with the same guy. It really bothers me that there's a possibility that happened.it bothers me that I may be excited about a guy that one of my closest friends rejected!! I think that is the hardest part of me to swallow!! All the other crap I'm okay with- but this is hard!!! And sodang shallow of me!   As much as I struggle with this here in the moment I shouldn't let it! I think I need to see ham in the big picture. It's hard when we aren't interacting with ppl outside of us. My college roommates only know college ham. But he is a new guy now. Completely different than before, I can't let harsh words about them effect me. My my old roommate yesterday had nothing nice to say about anything or anybody- so I really should let it all go. But it's hard really dang hard. 

I think we call that a date!

Ham and I went out last night and it was so incredibly wonderful. I really like this guy. I wasn't nervous in the beginning. But as the night went on I got really nervous mixed with overjoy of such a great night. We talk a lot. But don't really get anywhere because we love to banter so much. I really respect him. He is so much cooler than me! We texted my college roommate (his college neighbor) which was fun! Also I haven't talked to her in a long while- so I haven't told her that I reconnected with ham. Not the best way to tell her. Ham and I are really fun together! I laughed so hard. He told me that I'm a safe person for him (that's huge) I think I'm holding back more than he is.which is so rare for me with guys. He went out of his way to touch me in really small ways. Grabbed my hand to point things out. Stepped on my foot when I said it was asleep. Touched my hair. It was settle, smooth, and nice that he wanted to and did so in a noncreepy way. He prayed for our meal which I did not expect. He was bold and lead our date - but also was really ensuring that I was good with his leading. I like this guy--I like him Alot!!!

Ps we hanged out for over 4 hours. We got dinner, Starbucks and went shopping for random things for him at target. And than sat in his car and talked. (Though he thought about kissing me, I could read that, but thankfully he didn't. It was not the time or place for that) 

I'm sure you will be hearing so much  about this date but this is all for now that it's 6:00 am the day after 😃

Being close to God

I listen to tons of sermons, have lots of conversations about God and think about my relationship with Him a lot. But I'm struggling with prayer lately. As I listened to a sermon this morning- I was reminded of Abraham and how he pleaded with God about saving Sodom. Pleaded!! God allows us to be our child, he wants us to call Him daddy, not father sir. Yet, in knowing all of this- I still am scared to consistently go to God in prayer and seek him in His word. It's not that hard, yet I struggle with it so much! 

In this sermon from this morning. It talked about how we have to be obedient to what God says in step 2 before he will reveal step 3 to us. I've also been pondering that... Big stuff there

Retreat

Ham went on a retreat this past weekend. I work at camp. And though he didn't come where I work I was so excited for him. I love camp!! Great things happen when you get away and do new things and allow God to take ahold and speak to you in this nature setting. I personally had my worst day in California on Friday. I was so upset, angry, and pissed off and it was with both good friends and the people I am surrounded with at work. I texted him about it and didn't get a response. But didn't think anything of it because it was in a timeframe when he normally plays soccer. Well midnight, he responds letting me know that he is so sorry, his phone was off because he was at a retreat. Changed my day!! It brings me such joy to know that ham willingly went to camp and turned his phone off because he was at camp! That didn't last long we texted a lot of this weekend, but I loved hearing about it and in a way experience it with him even though we were off in different places. Yesterday we were talking about loneliness and when and why we feel lonely. He asked if I have been feeling lonely at camp. And I boldly answered no because we talk constantly and I have lots to look forward to lately. I love having a close friendship with ham, even though I have no idea if or where we are going. Thus far has been great!!

Settling excuses

God is God and I am not. I am thankful that God is beyond my comprehension. I am thankful that God handles and deals with all the crap in this world and I don't have that burden. God knows all and reveals to us in His timing what we need to know. At church on Sunday, my pastor talked about the crap that women conferences put in women's heads to think the men in their lives are aren't good enough spiritually and that they need to step up and be the spiritual leader of the home, etc. things like that have always made me mad, but it clicked Sunday for me. I don't like displacing blame on things that don't need blame. I don't think talking to women about the shortcoming of guys is fair. No one forced you to get married. You should know who you are committing your entire life to, and you should know them well. If you don't approve how they how God and how they are leading you, don't marry them! But instead, I feel like so many ppl settle. And then go to conferences and complain about their decision and make others doubt what they are doing that is working for them. I'm old and single. I'm not in the dating scene, I thought I was being faithful in The Lord by waiting for skip. I threw that out the window after having my mind set on that for 2 years. Now, I'm actively wanting to date a guy, who is so open and real with me, but has a past that is so counter to mine, and blew me off a few days ago. Him blowing me off hurt more than it should. It was a slow hurt, it took many hours after the fact to sink in. It proved to me that ham is very flaky, and that even though he is putting in all this effort into us via chat,text and calls. He is not committed enough to spend the FaceTime. I'm not done. I'm not throwing in the towel quite yet. But I'm moving forward with caution. I feel like this limbo land could hurt us the worst, because we aren't really giving anything a chance. We aren't open and real with each other of what our relationship means or what we want to do with it. I feel like one of us will eventually walk away and both of us will live in the land if "what ifs"  

God is big, God is bold. He is so much more than these random thoughts. 

Lord walk me through this journey in this time, let me hear your voice clearly now in this and whatever you need me to hear from you now.

Hey there handsome ;)

I am single, and a believer, and have very few friends that live near me. When you put that all together, you get me going to church alone. Overall I HATE sitting alone at church, it's worst than eating alone at a restaurant. But thankfully the church I attend is huge and I normally can blend in well enough. Today I arrived to the service early and sat in the center of a 7 chair row near the front. Just as the service starts, this incredible looking guy sits on the isle chair in my row. Man, this guy is buff, and has mannerisms that makes your heart melt. He is the kind of guy that you just want to cuddle up in his arms, lay your head on his shoulder and hold his perfect hand that is at least 3 times bigger than your own. Then the guy on stage announces that everyone should move to the center of their rows to make room for others. This guy slides over and intended to sit in the chair right next to me, but than realizes that a pretty bold hit-on move and lands on the crack of the chair next to me, leaving a one chair safety buffer between us. I was so uncomfortable all of church. I do well when ppl are close to me. That's comforting . But this one chair gap made me so on edge, we almost are next to each other. And this guy is hot!! I kept trying to peek to see if he had a wedding ring on, but my angle and his mannerisms make it so hard to tell, so I just kept awkwardly starting at his hands. I think he was uncomfortable all of church too.

   It's been a long time since I been around a person that makes me uncomfortable. I was hoping to talk to him at the end. I was hoping he would invite me to coffee or dinner or something right then and there. But nope. Church ended and we never spoke, just walked out and did our separate things. Maybe he will sit my me again next week..

Ps this story had a lot of buildup with nothing to show for it. But still interesting and fun!! 

Left hanging today

It little more than a week ago, ham and I made plans for today. He was going to come up and we were going to have a fun day on the mountain here. Talking to him yesterday he told me he wasn't quite sure if he was going to make it. He was sick. So Today came, I didn't know if he would show or not. He didn't show, call, text- nothing! He simply ditched me! What a jack-ass move! I feel like I should be really mad, but I'm not that. I am really disappointed and have lost a lot of respect and desire to be anything with him. This is the second time he has ditched me. In my pissed off state, I of course checked his twitter, I wanted to see what he ditched me for. He was tweeting about riding his new bike. I was having a little grace if he was really really sick, or whatnot. But he played soccer last night and went mountain biking today. Yet didn't communicate with me at all. I haven't talked to him, and part of me feels like I should give him the benefit of the doubt. But actions speak louder than words. This kind of crap makes me so mad! 

Alright it's official! After reflecting on this I am legitly angry and pissed off at ham!! 

Ramble of my Loneliness Thoughts

Ham and I text/chat/talk pretty consistently throughout the day most days. But it has been over 24 hours since we last spoken a word to each other. Now I fully realize that this shouldn't bother me. We aren't anything, 24 hours isn't that long, we didn't plan on talking etc. I'm not anger by any means, but i missed it a lot today. I greatly enjoy talking to him all the time. We are nothing, which makes me incredibly insecure in the time frame of our fabulous connection. And I fear that I greatly hurt his feelings yesterday by not engaging in conversation when I think he really needed it.

 I really need to talk to him tonight. But, I think that is not a reality and I know that I shouldn't depend on him so much. I knew before and now especially after today there is no more question in my mind that his friendship matters most to me in our relationship. He reminds me that I'm normal, he lets me be transparent and real Becky when everyone else gets someone else. He treats me well, he not only let's me talk smack to him but encourages it. I laugh so hard around him. I feel safe-real. He challenges me and helps me to grow in knowing and being real with God. I have never had a relationship like this! Ham is so caring, and it really doesn't seem to be in selfish reasons. Just that The Lord has worked in him and now works through him to show this.

 Ham and I come from polar opposite upbringings, he has gone threw hell and had The Lord bring him back. He knows and experienced tsunami waves in life. Where my waves in life compared seem calmer than a pond on a windless day.

 I have a fear of what will happen if our life waves collide together. I have a fear that hams life will relapse into its old patterns. But in reality I know that I need to focus on the hear and now. On how to show ham love and respect in this season. How to be his friend or how to be more according to his leading. How to protect his lifestyle that he has chosen  that keeps him on the straight and narrow, and not lead him astray. 

I write all this, but I really meant this post to be all about complaining about my women's bible study tonight and how I feels so incredibly alone there being amongst ppl who just want to know me better and grow together in The Lord. But the conversation was all centered on childbirth, how to be a good wife and care for your husband in our current lives.  I am so sick of being surrounded by married ppl! I am so sick of feeling pressure date the few single guys here at camp, for only seeing strange singles in this world. This is way I need ham and wish so hardly that he was awake right now. I need a normal single person to remind me that where I am is okay, and that I can't and shouldn't feel snobbed by all the newlyweds in my life!

I know that, but it's so much easier to believe when it's spoken by someone who really gets it!! 

Yeah... You are right, I am a little emo tonight.... 

Real time

I have been having a really hard time lately. I been moody, easily angered, and distant at work and with the ppl I work with. Things like that really really bother me. I love being happy and I feel like I am expected to be happy. And when I'm not happy everyone around me seems to join my pity party with me. And in thinking about why I'm so miserable to be around lately I had revelation a few days ago on my hiking trail. I am open and honest and real with ham. He gets who I am, but camp doesn't. Now that I have an outlet of real me it bothers me and my mood that I am not always real Becky! I don't know yet how to be real me here but it needs to come out. I need to figure out how and what that needs to look and feel like with ppl I don't fully trust.

 Speaking of trust. Ham has entrusted me with real details of who he is with me. I made a rule with myself after our first coffee that he gets real Becky, there's no point to this at all if I am fake. I halfly mentioned that a few times in our conversations. But spelt it out a few days ago to him that he gets the real me. Nothing else, and even established being real as a rule for our relationship. Me saying that I believe, has changed things. Not that he was faking before, but he has been laying all his cards down with me. The good, the bad and the ugly. I knew that he had crap in his life from the beginning, but it surprised me how he has been so transparent with me in it. Overall, him being open and honest with me doesn't phase me of what he is sharing, I see him transformed by Christ. But it's a little overwhelming to me how much he respects me to share that with me and be transparent with big real hard stuff. And how in the world does one react to big stuff. What words are to be said??

I feel so blessed, I need show how I'm blessed by putting my selfishness aside and learn how to love and be real with the fellow team members here at camp and serve them well. 

Weighed in the other day

So I live at camp and it has really good free food! And being in my third year of this free food, I have gained a lot of weight. Now, I don't own a scale, nor had any desire to actually to know what the scale would reveal when stepping on it. But in talking to my new mom friend katie I decided to step on hers to face reality. I weighed 182.6! Now that may sound a lot to you, but I was shocked at how low that number was! I figured it would be at the lowest 195! So now I'm motivated to drop that even lower! Katie went to a wedding for a week, I want to be in the 170s range when she comes back! My goal is to be in the 160s range by June 10th. All this motivation just by stepping on the scale. For the month of may I want to have an average of hiking/walking 5 miles a day. I was reading fitness and health blogs this morning and what I eat will have a huge impact on my body(everyone knows that but reading those blogs stab you in the heart to face that reality) I always eat crap but this weekend has been my worst! Gotta step it up! I think I need to buy a blender and face my fear of kale! Hopefully things will get easier, healthier and skinnier for me!

Ps this is not going to turn into a fitness and health blog!! But, I'm sure you will now understand why all my thoughts come from the hiking trails :)

Repetition is the key

The other day I was hanging out at my bosses house. Within the normal banter of conversation my boss started saying "repetition is the key" over and over again to bug his wife. I laughed and laugh because he kept saying it and it didn't phase her one bit.

Well the next day on my routine hike, I decided that I should spend 15 minutes in silence with God. (A challenge that ham is going to take part in daily next fall within a small group- I felt like I needed to do that that day)
I don't know how to be silent before The Lord, I just think about what it means, am I being silent, if I'm thinking about being silent, how do you stop thinking?

Have you ever experience this? The long random train of thoughts when all you are trying to do is be silent. Then within the "silence" attributes of God started flowing. God is so much! And he loved us at our worst state. After all of this. A phase started going in my head over and over again "focus on serving here at camp" I need to to get off of my selfish confusion of what The Lord is doing in my romantic life, and remember what goes on at camp! Lives are changed here, camp is a special place. And I am letting it become a normal 9-5 office job. It's not that at all! I am in ministry and I am becoming numb to it by being hanged up on guys. I still need to sort that out, but it can't be number one priority.

So this seems so spiritual and a deep moving moment and in a sense it was, but soon after the phase "repetition is the key" went through my head over and over again, obviously the phase is right! :)

Coffee last night

I have been making a big deal about everything lately when it comes to ham. And the anticipation of last night coffee date surprising was quite the opposite. It was just something I was going to do, I actually felt like he was going to cancel on me last minute.(and was pissed when he started to play with the details of the plan) but as I drove. I prayed a loud for my anger thoughts, that I would not be pissy at him as I was on the phone. Can I just say, that I LOVE spending time with this guy!! I laugh so hard, I feel so normal, I can even mock him. We spent about 3 hours together, most of which was reliving the pranks of college, but also touching in who we are and where we want to be. I left feeling good. And with a thousand messages from my dear loved friends who have been cheering me on in this process. And as I drove home, I thought about what I would say to my friends about the night. Ham and I are in a good spot! But we are completely in the friends zone. Being in the friends zone bothered me so much until this drive. Now I am forever thankful! The longing of my heart for my first 5 months here was to have a tight guy friend to do be close to and have fun with. Right now I have that. And as much as I denied it, and pretended to move forward, I'm still not done sorting out how God is faithful and how I need to trust him with skip. Surrendering everything to him and walking with him is my biggest struggle, and being in the friends zone with ham is comforting. And I am so glad for this season for now.
Ps: ham and I have been talking so much since last night, he texted me on the way home, we started g-chatting at work today and I know that he isn't walking away from this weird environment we created for ourselves which makes this all the easier to be here now.

Kids???

Oh man, I don't do well with hard questions. And Ham keeps throwing them at me. Last night we were texting, and somehow we got on the subject of having kids. Now, I am one who believes that I can't think or image my kid future, because that's a couple decision not an individual. I also don't see myself living the America dream life. Lets talk about how I butchered that conversation- what I was saying wasn't what I meant and kept digging myself into holes. In the midst of our conversation, he pulls out "brb, I gotta go shower " and then he returns and calls me to explain he thoughts on kids. He doesn't think he would be a good dad. But loves kids, and if he has them he
needs to be fully committed to raise them. From there we went to all the junk in his life, and how incredibly innocent I am. He has a ton of crap trailing behind him. I haven't experience any of that. Where we are now . This spot in our lives that we reconnected, we are on or very near the same path. And I wonder if we will be able to move forward at all together or if our past tracks will just hinder us and trip us up all over the place.
Ps I am certain that he is asking me all these hard questions as a test to see if he wants to move forward with me. Which makes it all the harder to process.

Answering hard questions

Ham and I have talk a lot via text message the last few days. I love that! It's really great and special to me. Last night I was telling him about my great day of giving boy advice to6th grade girls. And in this he REALLY emphasize being friends first. Like we aren't there yet(that's what I read into it) Then him being a great guy that he is, he starts telling me what The Lord has been teaching him at a conference he has been attending. His follow up question to that was "what has The Lord been teaching you lately?" lets talk about how every conversation The Lord and I have the past 3 weeks been on ham and skip. And that The Lord has been teaching me so much of him by ham. How do you respond to that? Ham and I have been and need to be really honest friends at this point, I can't lie to him, and I think he knew where my answer was going to go from our previous conversation. So I started sharing about being done with skip, forever. And how I have been relying on The Lord and have found joy in Him in the process. But as I said this and hear his response, I'm pretty sure he sees himself as my rebound. And that is hard. He is all about doing the right thing, and I think he is going to slow us down. Talk to me less. He is no idiot, I am sure he realizes that he has a lot to do with no more skip. As much as I want to date this guy and have lots of fun with him. I think I know I need to be smart in my actions. He has been hurt big time when he got divorce. We aren't 100% on the same track right now. This all could end in a huge ugly mess. I'm at a place where I really respect ham in making good decisions in life. And even if I don't like slowing down, letting ham not feel like my rebound, I may be the right decision and I really need to honor right decisions now.

I really respect ham, more so than most others in my life. I think my respect for him draws me to him the most.

Wait, what? Who just said that ?!

I feel absolutely crazy, for posting my last post. being at that point- especially from where i started this blog-- and the year and a half that i was prior to that. I felt sick to my stomach the moment I pushed "published" i immediately went to my prayer journal I found this, what God and I talked about a week ago. Must trust God! Don't depend on what I know!

Sail away skipper!

I just told ham(via texting) that I'm no longer pursuing skip anymore. AND ham and I are going out on Tuesday. So crazy, so fun. Still can't believe this is now the path I am on now!

Loving the hardship

Man, I am deep in thought. Words are stinging me close to the heart. Sermons, conversations with friends and guests, my thoughts and prayers. Everything seems to have much more meaning. Skip stopped talking to me 7 weeks ago. And though I didn't take it extremely hard. It started to become a relief when ham came into the picture. But alas, yesterday he facebooked me. 7 weeks of nothing and I finally feel okay looking into a new direction, then he contacts me. And not even with anything significant. I am struggling with faithfully following God , and honestly I love it because in this process I am learning so much of who he is. Scripture is become more real. Ham is bringing out a side of me that I thought was forever lost. It's a gift from God, and I am forever thankful. As I continue to think about time and the significance of it and how it works together, I think this time is big for me, a pivotal point. A remarkable pause in the significance love and grace The Lord shows us when we follow him. Who would of thought I would enjoy this hard journey so much!

Wise words received in a car ride

Church really hit me hard last night, I have been thinking about it a lot. This morning I went hiking and in the process I relistened to it. This quote was the hardest for me to swallow: "we got this loneliness hole and we can't understand why God hasn't filled it yet. And since God hasn't filled it yet we go out on our own and fill it ourselves. Or God hasn't filled it with the right one so we know that this one isn't exactly who he wants me to be with- but he is close-close enough. I will make it work." I felt so torn after hearing this. Lost, unclear of The Lord and trusting Him and what my own understanding is. But then I got in the car this afternoon with a good friend, and processing the sermon last night with her (we go to church together) she started to tell me a story that was full of wisdom and spoke deeply to my heart. In essence I know Gods promise, and I know that he has a. Plan for the end result. But I don't know what all needs to be done to get to the end. Ham is here and now and moving forward with him seems so right. He texted me tonight. I appreciate that so much. He doesn't know all this stuff going on in my heart right now, yet he is still reaching out to me, being my friend even though it seems like just being friends with me would turn him away.

In case you got lost in the rambling,
To conclude:
I am open and ready to move things forward with ham- he just doesn't know it yet.

Church kicked my butt tonight

Church is real and God speaks so clearly to me, yet i dont know how to proceed to what he says.
God spoke to me. he made it very clear that i was going to end up with skip. i was content, i waited, i put effort into maintaining a friendship with him. He returns to the US, I'm excited, he puts towards no effort to even contact me, for like 2 months now. Then ham comes into the picture- by The Lords doing. Im become open to dating this guy. so today at church we talked about jacob and when traveled, he slept on a rock and the Lord speaks to him. Telling him 6 strong promises and his response is questioning, doubting what he said. In proverbs 3:5-7 it says "trust in The Lord, and lean not on your understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight" I know this verse well. But have never thought about " lean not on your own understanding." With this whole thing of being open with ham, am I leaning on my own understanding and being selfish in wanting to date him. OR am hiding and not trusting in Gods plans if I change my heart and desire to move forward with ham. Deep in thought, going to have to pray lots about this, but right now both don't seem quite right. But moving forward with ham seemed so right a few days ago, and am unsure and uneasy about all the doubt I feel right now.

Verbal processing

In camp life I have about 4 people that I'm really close with. One of which is my boss. Who is really fun, wise, and I'm letting him see the real me. Last night, I told him about ham. That's crazy, we are friends, but I don't talk about things like that. It was good though. (And he told me that work shouldn't interfere with any dates and he will cover any shifts I need--great boss!) and tonight I talked about it with my closest camp friend. It's seems so real. This is so unlike me. I really need to step up and tell ham I'm wanting to date him. I don't know how to do that, in my head this conversation is a night hike setting. But, I don't know, I have never had to take back intentions like this. I hope he is interested in dating me, or else this is just a lot of buildup for nothing. I like to be around this guy, I could potentially lose it all, is it worth it? I sure hope so!

Following a direction-guessing on how to use a compass.

Am I off base? Am I being unfaithful to The Lord and his teaching? For the first time in my life, I am really open to dating, like real dating. Not my leading on a string of guys-distancing myself so I don't get hurt, so I don't have to deal with the hard relationship stuff track record.

Whenever I watch the bachelor, I think the ppl on there are way to focused on marriage, that they need not be so extreme. But now that I have a guy friend who is on that boat, I think I am ready to adapt a little to that mindset. I am ready to date. After talking to a college roommate and her encouragement, with our college neighbor, I'm ready to step-up, if only I didn't tell him about skip.

This seems so good, fun and healthy in my mind. I would be so proud to date this guy. But is he Hagar in my story? I don't think he is, but I don't know how it all pieces together.


This season of my life could be a milestone, a turning point--unforgettable . Or just be time sitting around for something else to really matter..

Here and now

I've been deep in thoughts. Thinking lately about how little the here and now plays apart in the big picture of my life. But the more I think about how little things are, I also think about how big other things could be. It's hard to remember the hard when things are good. Even when we spent significant time struggling with it. I am struggling with some hard things now(singleness, awful boss, living in a house fill of ppl, yet feel so alone within its walls) but most of these I see changing soon, it's not going to last forever, but the ever center question is, "what do I do in the meantime?"

Roommate wisdom

I was so blessed to have the same direct roommate all 4 years of college! I caught with her on the phone last night. She told me to be open in dating ham. And I think she is right! Skip hasn't been talking or putting forth any effort with me. And though I am not giving up on his faithfulness, within this journey, I think I need to be open and see what God has to offer with ham. I am really really excited about having him in my life, I feel so encourage and see God working in and through him. I want to make good decisions, and being closed off to him seems to be a poor one.
Disclaimer:
My decision doesn't change anything right now, just my heart which is big enough. I told ham straight up that I was waiting for someone else. So I suspect nothing to happen romantically. But we will see.

Party night!

Today seems to be the day of birthdays, it's ham's b-day. I am not celebrating with him, though through texting him yesterday, it sounded like he had nothing going--so of course i confirmed that. no one should spend their b-day alone, even if its with a friend they barely know. But then of my co-workers is going down to celebrate one of his friends birthday-- he invited me to join, I already made dinner plans with some other camp friends. (Ps this other party involves lots of drinking) But I wonder now. Would it have been stupid to go with this co-worker to some party that he would be the only one I know. I don't know him very well, but he seems to be the type that you can trust in in any social setting. The decision was made, I'm staying here, is this decision to my benefit, or am I missing out on a great night?

Reconnection

In my second year of college, I lived next to a bunch of guys who were the fun prankers, we often came home and all our furniture who be flipped upside down, throw rotten food at the complex across the way, jump off their counters to pester the ppl below them. Me and my roommates (most of us at least) had a dear love for these guys. If we ever bake, we ensured that we baked enough for them because they would always "stop by" right as it came out of the oven. We would have great conversations and tons of fun with these guys, but we were never more than good neighbors. So since that year I haven't talked or hung out with them at all. But lately I kept thinking about that year and felt the Lords prompting to catch up with them specifically Ham, Who I knew was from CA and had a small chance that he lived near me. Ham dropped off the face of the earth a few years ago, so I contacted his college roommate. Turns out he lives super close to me AND we met for coffee earlier this week! Never have I been so excited to reconnect with an old friend. But i also was a little nervous. This was the first time we have ever done anything outside of our apartment building and fast forward 6 years! It was so good! Most honest and open and fun reconnecting conversation I have ever had! I am so excited to have this guy as a friend, I really hope fun and great experiences come from this reconnection!!

Art!

Today while I was on the phone with my BFF I made this stick art of boats!

Port decided

As I interviewed today I KNEW that this isn't the job for me. After the first 5 minutes I didn't even know what to say because nothing in me wanted this job! And I am so full of joy of what The Lord spoke to me today!!! I can't wait to be bold and more productive at my current job!!! I'm so inspired!!!

New port?

Today is pretty monumental. And it is by surprise. For weeks upon weeks, The Lord has been asking more of me than just having faith in him with skip. But I really felt like I couldn't give anymore. I was struggling enough with skip I wasn't really for more. Whenever The Lord would speak to my heart on giving more up to Him, I would freak out-panick, I blocked him out with my own high pitch squawks of "no! I can't handle anything else! No! No! No!" Avoiding dealing with it at all costs! In the mean time I been miserable with the culture of my house and how my boss has been retreating me. Considering that 90% of my life was miserable- I started looking for a new job. Now I love tasks of my job- it was my boss that was making it really really hard. And I found a job listing of everything I do now (and love) for a guy I know slightly and respect. I have watched this job for over a month now, but haven't applied. Then last week, the guy contacted me! At the recommendation of my old boss! So this whole weekend I have been thinking- why haven't I been listening to God when he wanted to speak to me, and am I really to leave where I am at and move on to a new camp. After talking to my exec director and my BFF and coming to The Lord in prayer. I feel pretty confident that I need to stay where I am at, but step up completely, do more, have a backbone, fight for what is right and lead fully and to the best that can possibly be done in my job. I am still talking to this other camp idirector later today, still praying that The Lord will show or confirm his will in this. But there is no doubt that today is a land marking day, a changing point.

Whoa lots of thoughts

So today is not only skips birthday but also my half birthday. Not only am I flooded with significance because of the day, but I also just attended a real powerful, personal, thought provoking church service. Lets start debriefing church first.
The Lord has put the story of Abraham deeply on my heart. The church I attend has been going through this for weeks (but I miss church more than make it) today the message was personally for me, It was about Faith. The story was Abraham about to give his son as a offering to The Lord. The point was that when we have faith we take action within it. Faith isn't a thought or mindset it's by what we do. Faith isn't about talking big risks but trusting God enough to do what he says. There's a lot more to this but let me pause right here and reflect.
Even within my doubt, I KNOW that God spoke and that he is going to show me this faithfulness with skip. I think in this promise the action I need to do is more a lack of actions I would normally do. I don't throw my self at guys like I used to, I don't try to get guys to hold my hands or snuggle with me. Outside of Gods promise of love with skip he has also asked me to pray for him daily- which is the hardest part of my day, I have so much resistance to do this. It's hard and I don't know why. My words tend to be just chistianese and short. And this is for the guy I crush on and the one God promised me. My boss and campers are other people I feel a need to pray for, that is easy for me. Words pour out of me but skip, what a struggle.
Okay back to epic sermon.
We also talked about ppl in the bible taking big risks, but God gave them crystal clear directions to do those "risks" and that there are 3 things that we ways The Lord speaks to us and that we should have all 3 inline. The Holy Spirit, Gods word and wise counsel. I wonder, I clearly believe that the Holy Spirit spoke to me, and gave me direction with this. But not sure how or what Gods word said about this nor wise counsel. I have talked to my wise friends and they haven't given me red flags, but they are friends, are they my wise counsel? I say all of this but still KNOW that I am to learn how God is faithful though love with skip. Even though I haven't spoken a word to anyone at church outside of a polite "hello" this place has greatly impacted my life.

I am sure I will write another post later today by as I now leave my seat at Starbucks . I want to leave you with the last point of this sermon. Faith is the path we take not a magic potion that makes problems go away.

Time and distance

I haven't talked to skip in a really long time, like a full month, and our conversation a month ago wasn't much, but we chatted online tonight. It was so good for me. I feel like so much has changed in our lives the past few months (mostly his) that its hard to have an online conversation right now. I am so thankful that we at least chatted tonight. It's good to at least have an update.

I think one of the hardest things for me in this is to continue to have faith in a future romance because I continually feel like those girls that hang on too tight to something that isn't there. (Yeah, i have been watching the bachelor) You know who I'm talking about... Yeah they drive me crazy too. Please Lord, don't let me be them and this actually be that situation!!!

Talking it out

So I really felt the need to start blogging about a month ago, but I followed through today, my first 2 blogs are a month old, and this here is real time 😊
Overall I have two common thoughts this week:

1. I feel so alone when I am with people because I am always the odd one out (3rd wheel, 9th wheel) and can't even do anything about it ( like join eharmony) how should i handle social things and why is this so hard for me?

2. God is trying to do something big in my life right now and I am scared of it and cannot allow myself to be open to it. Deep inside I know that what he wants to do is good. but I am not allowing myself to read and pray without this distancing panic going through me.

This two things are really messing me up. I daily wonder if I should see professional help... And if you can actually get help professionally for this?

I realize that both these things aren't that big, but man are the making things rough for me lately. Hope I'm more uplifting soon!
Ps I decided I should blog instead of getting professional help, same thing right?

Reflections and fears

Blog 2

In my baptist church in college, I had a mentoring couple that guided me through many things and while I was obsessing over Phil -- Leslie encourage me to get to know mick and skip. I recall a conversation I had with her once while shopping- I was going on and on about my strategy about how to get close to Phil and she turns to me and tells me "you should like skip instead" mind you this was a season of my life where I would have to easdrop on conversations around review  his name, in case I needed up being in the same social circle as him. I think it is incredible that The Lord was preparing me for this years before he spoke truth directly at me, I wonder if God would of spoke more clearly to me on that time if I was more open to listen. I wonder how much fun and impactful my life would be if I pursued friendship with skip right when I met him instead of wasting time trying to convince Phil that he wanted to pursue me.  I tend to let the "what ifs" drag me down in the ground. But here in this story in my life, it doesn't. Even if I could of gone differently, I am confident that this story here and now will strengthen me more than the "what ifs" situations and with that I am grateful. 

Fear: what if this really is another Phil of the future story? What if I pass up really great potential relationships for this promise and skip ends up marrying some random girl? Not only is that a wasted love story... What would that do in me and God's relationship? These questions are hard to ask... I ask them all the time yet I still cringe asking... Half for saying I could mistake Gods voice. half knowing this questions are worthless to ask because God spoke to me and asking these questions doubts his promise.

Getting to and leaving the docks

The first blog: who I am, and why I am starting this:

I grew up in a small town in the Midwest. In high school I didn't date, but not on purpose just because it was a small town and didn't want to commit to flirting just to one guy. In college, I spent my first year flirting with tons of guys-- and then my Phil of the future, my dream guy that I was determined to marry. I barely knew him, but I figured there he would be worth the wait-- and I was having tons of fun in college in the meantime. Three years later Phil and I start actually spend time together and I quickly realized that who I thought he was in my mind isn't even close to reality... I met phil at a large baptist church in college- and there were a lot guys in this group many being tall, skinny, and very focus on a specific career. I didn't give this group much attention. I barely could keep names straight.
After being" hi there"friends with Skip and Mick (tall skinny focus guys) for a few years we transition into real friends. And not only were we real friends but the masses of people I typically spent all my time with moved away. I learned that they were ridiculously fun. My roommate thought mick was hot, and extremely encouraged me to flirt with him b/c she thought we would be a cute couple. I tried my best but always ended up being close to skip. At that point I didn't like him at all. And he was very anti marriage, settling down, normal life-- I had a hard enough time with relationships with guys looking for a bride no way would I waste my time crush'n on skip. I just loved being their friend and leaving my time with them with aches from smiling and laughing. Well like everyone in my life mick went left town pursuing a job and our trio became a duo. This didn't change things we still hanged out. Skip being a smart tall career guy suddenly got his ideal jobs left and right and these jobs had him leave the country typically for 2 weeks at a time. Now I am at home alone waiting for my friend to come back and I realize- that I have a little crush-crush on this boy. He was a guy who I never before would describe as my type, he never wanted to marry, he consistently was leaving and I liked him. Who was I becoming? Well after this realization a quick month past(where most of it skip was out of the country) he went to visit his parents for Christmas in the south-- and didn't return. Left all his stuff, his car, and started a new job. This killed me. I was so mad! Not only did I like him, but he was my last real friend in my baptist circle. I left like I lost so much! A few months later he came back for a job he was committed to and for his stuff. I only got to hang out with him for a few hours. Which was good--but he was distracted he needed to get ready for a big job and move in very little time.. I didn't feel good about how things ended. Time past, we were still friends but not often. He moved to England I moved to WI. And somehow we still talked on Skype once or twice a month. I still got giddy talking to him- but not waiting around for him. I didn't date anyone in this time but was playing around with the idea with a few hearts. I loved my time in WI. Loved it. But my time was up there and had a good camp opportunity in MN. So I took it. It's HARD leaving a job you love, but I think it made it even harder when you are at a place that treats God-- the one who created and made us, worthy of all our praise- in a way that personally offended me. Taught kids about that I thought was completely untrue. And on top of all that I worked on a zip line that didn't met code and had the potential of causing someone to die. Obviously,I wasn't in a good place, cried all the time, thought about quitting 3-4times a week. And when day when I was all alone sitting on top of the climbing tower so depress about my situation, The Lord spoke to me. Not about my awful situation but about skip. He told me I was going to marry him. Even now, a whole year and a half later- it stills scares me to death that God spoke to me and told me clearly that then. Skip left me to become a missionary. Skip doesn't want to get married. His time zone was 6 hours a head of mine!!
God is God. He can do some crazy things. He told me who I was going to marry to a guy where the relationship isn't close to developing into romance, even now a year and a half later.
In this time, God has pressed on my heart the story of abram. Whom God spoke to and told him he was going to be father of a great nation and had him wait 25 years until he fulfilled it. 25 years!!! That is my entire life! We skip over that 25 years so easily in the bible, and when God was teaching me this story yet again in this journey, I felt like I needed to share my experiences in this season of waiting. So here I am blogging... Even though this post seems like forever it's only a snip-it of the past. And we know where the story is going to end(me with skip- and a deep understanding that god is faithful ) but I ask that you come along with me for the season of waiting and discovery God being faithful to his promises.