Not Going to Church

I am working on having real conversations with my boss without losing it and crying in them. Today, I failed at that goal.

I didn't even mean to have a serious conversation with him. I was telling him how my view of the church has changed from being at camp. Then he asked me how many times I have gone to church in the last month -which I have gone zero times. Then he started to badger me why I haven't gone to church in the past month. I was pretty quiet, I gave really vague answers that don't really mean anything. He finally said, "I see, so you aren't going to tell me huh"

I can not, not share if you say that to me.

So I said,
"there is two reasons why I haven't gone, 1. I am so over driving the distance (which I am) -- He told me that was bologna---it's not though. Then I told him reason #2. (with tears building up in my eyes) "I don't do well socially, I feel like I don't know how to interact with anyone and them with me, and I feel like I completely don't fit it and it is just really hard."

I got even more open, I told him that going to town makes me feel lonely, because I see people all together and it reminds me that I'm by myself--that being home by myself isn't lonely at all, I love and embrace that. That it is getting harder to be single the older that I get. That church is hard, because it is a big reminder that I don't fit into this world.

He told me that is why he figured why I haven't gone to church. He asked me if I was vulnerable to start dating.  I feel like vulnerability isn't my issue, it is that I don't have anyone that I want to date. I don't know how to start dating. I don't know if I want to start dating because of the Skip. I don't know if I am really allowed to look at guys who aren't Skip.

I am a mess.

I think I have social anxiety, which I think it seems odd-- my entire job is working with people and I love it. But when I am not working, and I don't have an already establish relationship with a person and I don't how to talk to them, I don't know how to interact and be around them. I think part of it is that people don't understand me, so they are socially awkward around me. But I do not do well in that situation at all.

I have been thinking about going to a Christian Counseling Center in the Northwest for a few months now. It is a site that you stay at for 1-2 weeks and go through their program. They seem to offer a lot of help in the type of things I am struggling with. I think that is what I need to work on my issues. To walk away from everything in my life and solely work on what I need to work on.

I don't know if I am really going to move forward in this program. It costs a big chuck of money, I am pretty sure I couldn't keep that I am going to this counseling place a secret, and I really don't want people to be in my business. And I am a little afraid of it. But it is an idea that has stayed in the back of my mind for a few months. I have looked at it often.