Going to church Single

"Pathetic Lonely Girl...Everyone can see I am That Pathetic Lonely Girl."

This thought is in my head each Sunday I am brave enough to make it out to church and the service starts. I never sit my myself, always with two of my friends. My friends happen to be 10 years older than me and married to each other.  The feelings of being single take over me, as all the perfect newly married couples walk in holding hands and taking a seat. Tears start to roll out of my eyes. I feel so different and alone and it breaks my heart how much I don't fit in this situation. It breaks my heart that the seat next to me is empty and the whole church can see that I am not a catch, and no one wants to be with me.

It truly is hard to be 29 and single and go to church. I have so many friends who struggle with the same thing. Sadly we all live in different states, not able to support each other in this tough season of life.

I think sitting here in the church pew is the hardest of all places in feel alone.

I don't think that the church was built for families only, but instead, the structure was designed when everyone was part of a family. When everyone women had a husband by the age of 22 and kids were the norm at the age of 25.

That isn't the picture of how my life has turned out. and though part of me is sad that I didn't get to say "I do" yet. There are parts of my life that I love about still being single, church, is not one of them. I hear my single friends share awful things that people say to them at church about being single. Things you know that the person didn't mean to be cutting, which made the words all the worst. They share that people try to set them up with anyone else that is single because they are out of options. They just have to settle for any other single person to help them be less pathetic and alone.

People ask me all sorts of strange questions at church. They are trying to figure out how I relate to this family that I do to church with. They are trying to figure out if I am their oldest daughter, their sister, their nanny. Which I understand. It is not often that people befriend someone 10 years younger than them and in a completely different life stage and loves them enough to ensure they have someone to sit next to at a place where they feel so vulnerable.

But these questions leads to those tears coming down my cheeks. People talk to the family I am with, and they get to point to their spouse, to their kids. I have no one to point to.  I just have me.

As I sit in the pew, feeling alone and pathetic and as the tears start to roll down my face.  I know there is a way for me to gain back my composure.  All I have to do is look across the isle at the bravest man--the man who always sits alone.

I have never spoken to him, I don't know anything about him. But week after week he sits all alone. No one at his sides. There isn't any tears coming out of his eyes, nothing to show that he is uncomfortable. He just sits alone. I think of him as so brave, not pathetic. He gives me the ability to control those tears coming down my face, by looking at his bravery.

I don't know how to stop singles feeling alone at church. I feel single and alone even if I am not at church. It is just part of the things that you experience when you are single. I love it when people see past my relationship status and want to get to know me. I love it when people try to set me up with someone because they are amazing and they think we would be a good match--not just because we have singleness in common.

I taught children's Sunday School for a long time at my church. I love kids, and they had a need for it. I also discovered that I didn't feel so alone in this role. No one expected me to be me with my man in the 4-year-old classroom. I think most people thought I was married and treated me like I was their peer when they dropped their kid off with me. I didn't feel so exposed as a single person because it seemed normal for me to be there. Most of my helpers where married parents but their spouses didn't help out in the classroom. I felt okay to be there and to be alone with my teacher nametag on.

I don't think the solution is to make all singles people into teachers or have an expectation of them as the core volunteers as they are more comfortable in that role.

I think so much more is part of the equation, but until we have a real answer. I need to stop being so sensitive about my singleness and I need some married people to stop making me feel less for being single.

I am thankful for all who make this hard stage of life a little easier for me, I hope that you model and teach this to others and that someday; I will not have a tear roll down my cheek for feeling so single as the Sunday morning church service begins.

Note:
I feel like I have written this story a few times in my blog, but I wanted to go back and really write this experience in more of a professional writing way instead of when I feel so hurt and bad from coming back from one of these experiences. I feel like I often read articles about how the church is so awful to the single crowd. But rarely does an author share why it is hard or just places the blame on what others say to them. I think all those happen, but it is a hard experience for me outside of just that. I hoped you liked this blog post, I am trying to write more thought-out pieces here and there instead of always just pouring out my emotions on you. I think it is good to mix-it-up and good for me to think outside of just my emotions.<3 Becky