"perspective"... scrap that...This is my mess of emotions when I tried to think about my perspective.

I have been thinking a lot about people's perspective these days. It seems like I have been bombarded in hearing about how people see the world.

But of the last few days, in the midst of hearing others perspective, I started to also become bombarded with my own perspective.

I see life out of two lenses. The "here and now" and "big picture" I have been focusing in and out of both of these views, and I'm a mess. I also have a cold, I am really tired so the strong extreme emotions I have right now I know aren't real on their own, but have influence from my sick/tired state. Even seeing that reality, I still feel not okay.

We went from using time cards to having to clock-in and out on a time clock this week at work. I am really (REALLY) upset by it. Ready to quit my job, continue to cry, upset by it. Which seems like a really big dramatic reaction to such a simple change. But that doesn't change how I feel. And with this change I have so many other feelings that are bursting out of me. I feel super under-value, worthless undervalued. Like I don't contribute anything to my job, and I just there to punch-in and out of a time clock. I feel low on the totem pole, I just there to do and leave.

I feel like I don't fit in. Which is bad because I actually don't fit in. I normally can fake it though, But it's really true. I don't fit in. I am friends with very few of my co-workers. I don't have any friends near by that I don't work with. I'm one of those pathetic old single people that no-one wants to be with. I don't fit in, and I don't know how to change that without changing every single avenue of my life.
I feel scared. Like I need to step up and change my life, but I don't how, I don't know the steps I need to take to change my life. Which then makes me cry again.

Last night I watched "War Room" with a few of my co-workers and a lot of our older volunteer couples. It is a good powerful movie on prayer. It had lots of good things to say. But this movie reminded me that once again, I don't fit in. I don't have a husband to fight with. I don't have my family to pray for. I don't have the things that I am suppose to have at my age. I should be struggling in making my marriage strong, not being alone. It made me feel all again that I don't fit in. That I am just a burden on people because my life isn't put together like it is suppose to be and that no one knows how to interact with me.

I have had to take lots of breaks in writing this because my eyes keep bursting with streams of water coming out of them, and I can't see at all. I have been looking for a Christian counseling retreat center that I can go to for a week/month and work on all my issues, but I can't find any--only ones where you can work on your marriage--which is another ping of hurt into my sad state.

Oh man, I intended to write and tell you that my "here and now" state is fine, I like where I am, things are good when I only at the next year in front of me, and that I struggle when I look at my life from the "big picture" lens, but that is obviously not true at all from the last few paragraphs that I wrote.

There are things in the "here and now" that are good. They really are good, but I am a mess right now. I need to get ready for work. This post is a mess, I started with one point, and didn't even get to it. Instead you had to go through all my thoughts that make me cry. I am going to post this as-is though. And hopefully I will do what is right, and come back to it and try to gather my thoughts in a good organized eye opening way.

Thanks for reading, even when it doesn't make sense. Thanks for letting me put out my feelings like this