Meetings, Self Diagnosis, Thyroids and Crying

Today I sat in a meeting that was silent for at least 30 minutes.

I don't know if you have ever experienced that. It is really the worst. We had a logistic problem in front of us and didn't have a way to figure it out. So, we sat. in. silence.

We kinda came up with a solution. It may work. But I am so done and over having to problem solve an building that is 3 months past its' completion date. It takes so much out of me. It is so exhausting, and that is not the only thing going on, I have about 40 other moving pieces going on at the same time. I have people annoyed that I don't get back to their emails/phone calls. I sometimes am unable to get back to people for days.

I think what is hard about it, is that no one else feels this pressure the same way I do. They aren't the ones having to make all these phone calls. They aren't the ones who have heard them tell you how excited about what they get to do for camp and that housing/meeting space was a key part of that.

The words "I quit" were on the tip of my tongue today. I really didn't want to quit, but I just needed all the stress and pressure to go away. I felt completely overwhelmed by it.

I don't know if I will ever be ready for these situations. I don't ever know if I will be able to handle them on my own with grace and pose. I don't know if I will even be able to tackle one without tears flowing out of my eyeballs.
Is that really what my life dreams have come down to? I want to handle a hard situation without crying through every step of the way.

It is, at least, a starting point. I, at least, have a goal, "Don't cry about it"

So when I sat down to write today, I meant to talk about my thyroid. I am not sure how it got delayed for paragraphs.
 I think my thyroid isn't working right. My dad is convinced that it isn't. I do have a lot of the signs that it isn't I have been thinking for a while that I may have something wrong with me. But I really don't want to face that I am not okay.

Does that sound off? I don't understand insurance. I don't want to go into debt because of healthcare, and I avoid anything that has to do with me not being okay. Part of me just wants it to be my thyroid because I am coming to realize that I am really not okay. And don't want to go on the journey of finding what's wrong if it isn't my thyroid.
I really really struggle with anxiety lately. I asked my boss if I could go get my thyroid tested on Friday (asking if he would work for me) and he was going through the symptoms. At depression, he asked if I had depression. I actually don't know the answer to that. I think that I don't, but I cry all the time at work, struggle at wanting to leave my house if I don't work that day and have been writing a lot of emo blog post lately. That could be depression. I am Web MD right now to self- diagnose.

 Well, according to Web MD self-test, I do not have depression. But I did have some of the symptoms of it. But I am still not okay in thinking that I am not okay as is. I am not okay in thinking that I need help to make my body work the way that it needs too. I am not okay in having to tackle to the task of figuring out insurance and see how to make myself not broke with having something wrong with me. How many things are wrong with me? Will they find things that I am not aware of? I am only testing my thyroid.

I know that I am imperfect in many ways but I am really struggling with thinking that my body is imperfect. I really struggling with being dyslexic, and adding in thyroid issues, it makes me feel like I'm a complete mess. Even though when I think about those two issues for a different person, it doesn't seem like a lot, it seems like nothing at all.

I am obviously freaking out. I just reread this post, I think that I am letting my emotions get the most of me. I think I everything will be okay and I just need to breathe, calm down. pray, eat some food and let go of some of this stress that I am hanging on to. Everything will work out. I need to remember that instead of obsession about how everything is going,