Had a pity party with tears writing this post

I'm having one of those nights where I know in need to blog, but really don't want to. I don't want to think about my feelings that I'm harboring inside. I don't want to process where I'm at and what I am doing. I just want to drown my night my watching reruns of sonny with a chance and to go to sleep. But alas, I am not. 

I really fear that my life at camp may have run it's very short course. I don't think my heart is pure in this. I don't think I know or can show love the way a true camp person should. I am not ready to walk away tomorrow. But I don't want to have a cheesy camp relationship, and I really want to be married. I think I really need to be in some kind of romantic relationship this year. 

I am really really jealous of ham and his number of close real friends. I don't want to necessary be the cool kid, but I want lots and lots of friends, who are in the same life stage as me, who I can date and hang out with. I don't know how to get that or maintain that where I am but I think that would change my life. 

Ham pretty much stopped talking to me. That sucks. I really really want to know why. If he is done with me then he needs to be done. If he's not, than I need to know. I feel like I need to have faith in some part of our relationship, and I have none. I don't even know if he will ever talk to me again. He comes from a messy background- but that's no excuse-- I want to know where I stand and let my heart align with that. I think I also know that he is blowing me off for E my college roommate-- which I am deep down not okay with. If you are going to go after some other girl, could you not make it one of my best friends from college??? 

That thought hurts and bothers me a lot, and I don't even know if it's true and I'm still bothered by the last conversation  E and i had.

 Me and E didn't talk for the longest time. I would call and call her, and our last conversation hurt me-- I don't know how to fix that or handle her talking to ham all the time. I feel kicked to the curb by both but can't justify that anger. Shit-- I was the one who wanted them together in college-- it was my dream to set them up, now I'm just in the way and they are both dealing with me by cutting me out of their lives. 

What a loser i am. How insignificant I am in this world. I wish these words were just my pity party and not my reality. I'm not close to anyone anymore. I live on a.pretty isolated mountain, all of my friends have really signicant ppl in there lives and very established. And here I am. Just floating-- and doing a crappy job at that. Camp is about changing lives- but I don't even care. I see the money side. I see the crap and drama behind the scene. I am not open or let The Lord work though me. Why am I even here if I have lost my passion?? Why don't I go to a place and renew who I am and figure out how to be the person I was meant to be. 

I am scared to leave here. I don't think I would make it. I don't know how to live on my own. I think I need a husband. I wish getting one, the person I can trust and love and do life with was right there-- I need my life to be on track-- I need to bring and have significance in this world- I need to change. And get all the sticks out of my butt. I'm a mess! I have had streams of tears roll out of my eyes writing this.

Man I'm in more of a worst place than I imaged. Though its good for me to start this process- I hate how hard it is!

Convicted

I need to change in big ways!Yesterday morning I had a good conversation with God. I acknowledged that my ways were me being sinful and that I needed to turn away from that. My morning was so good. I felt alive!! Summer staff arrived, and I was flooded with memories of living with this particular girl last winter. She drove me crazy(close to literal) and suddenly I was on my defense again. I was instantly annoyed at life, all because of this girls presence! My office was crazy all afternoon. I couldn't think straight,I couldn't keep up with the chaos. But in that I couldn't get over the fact that this girls personality was messing with me. I need to figure out how to not let that have control over me. it Only brings harm to me. We kicked off summer training with a worship night. Prior to its starting, I had a really good conversation with my bosses wife. She was having a rough night, but in the midst of that, she encouraged me and told me she really appreciates me. That means a lot! Worship was incredible, the games were fun and my boss came up and talked about the power of camp as much as we need to care about the logistics of camp, we need to focus in on our heart and how Jesus changes our lives and the direct word of God needs to be our source of following him. I know this, but did I ever need to be redirected last night!  As you all know I kinda fear the bible. I don't always get it, I don't know how to execute what it tells me to do and frankly I get confused of who God is by it. But my boss told us. We can't start by reading tons at a time, just like you can't run a marathon your first time putting on your running shoes. But you need to start slow, start by only reading a verse a day and think and pray over its meaning that day. And work our way up into being a "bible thumper" --- can I say CONVICTED!! I need to do this! 

So I work up hungry this morning at 8:00 and went right down to camp breakfast, with just barely changing out of my pjs and decided to stay for all staff devos. Our program director spoke out of Ephesians. This hit me hard. He talked about grace and one time when he was asking a camper about grace he told him when you receive grace it makes you feel wanted. That's so true and so honest! I feel so wanted when I get grace- never thought about it like that, makes Gods grace so much more meaningful! And with grace comes responsibility. And he said all this. Great stuff. I went home, and I wanted to review what he said and now I am stuck on this verse. Ephesians 4:3 " make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace" and I know what it means but I have no idea of how the hell to do that? What would that look like... I know I know.. I need to pray and think on it and God will show me in his time. And I know he is probs wanting to teach me deep and great things through this verse because I am stuck on  it and because I don't rely on The Holy Spirit and suck at keeping peace with all my gossip. 

See where my fear of the Bible comes from. man do i need to be radically changed. my heart is so far from being right!

Went to his house

I hanged out with ham at his place today. It was good but I thought it would be a lot better. I think he didn't really know how to have me over. Like he didn't know how to entertain me or something. He was texting a lot while I was there. It really really bothered me! He was suppose to pay attention to me! And I think he was texting my college roommate E, which I have huge issues with. I wanted to set up ham and E up in college, I fear that what I have with ham is nothing and that he is just using me to get to her. My own rebuttal to myself is... You are bring ridiculous. If they are meant to be, then that's it, I need to step out of the way. Or he is just being friends with your friends, there is nothing wrong with that. But even with my self rebuttals, I don't like it. I don't like it at all. 

Ham has been very  open with me lately, yet tonight he seemed so distant. He did just injured his knee, and it wasn't like he was disengaged but not 109% like normal. He didn't flirt with me either. He didn't cuddle with me on the couch- which I really wanted him to do. In hindsight it's probs for the better. He is very OCD about cleanliness and order of things. He recently told me that he is bipolar, which out of everything scares me the most. Honestly, at this moment I don't think ham and I will end up together forever. And that makes me rely sad. I really like him and us having a romance seems good. But I think we are more different than a lasting relationship can handle. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe this is right and I'm nitpicking the details apart. I hope we have some good conversations soon. I hope we have the ability to have good conversations outside of just texting.

Man I have a crush on this kid. I think he might be clueless of that.

The hard has past... of this weekend

So I just looked at my last post and so thankful that I already told you about how needy I have been- pretty much that lasted all of saturday(it was also a hard day at work I was sleep deprived, understaffed and had tons of complaints and requests to deal with.) ham and I exchanged only a few words that afternoon, and they were very insignificant. So I woke up early Sunday morning, and I was praying he would talk to me, look at my phone, be disappointed that nothing was there then fall back asleep. This cycled happened like 6 times then I finally got up and went to lunch. After that I decided to lay in the hammock and have some God time. In that he texted me. I was bold, I asked him to hang out with me that afternoon, he agreed- then quickly retracted that when he realized his timeline didn't work with meeting up. But we texted the entire afternoon. And had real conversation, we talked about our love languages ( which are exactly the same-- and he told me his first so I know it's true) we talked about our lives biggest struggles- I told him a secret that I have never told anyone before, we laughed at our geeky loves( well just his last night) and I even was at a place where I told him he could ask me anything--- he's been an open book to me for a while. I complimented him, in a very flirty way. I also told him he has told me many words of affirmation and I was surprised that wasn't a more dominate love language-- which I felt awkward after saying that, cause I just told him he was showing me love, which was weird to talk about. Anyway it was really good, we are going to try and hang out at his house this weekend, which I am really excited about. I think I'll be way more comfortable at his house than a restaurant/coffee shop. It will be like old times.hopefully it will work out. 

In non-ham news:

I told ham I needed to be real with God, which made me be real with God. I know I need to be faithful, and I asked God to be real to me in his word because the Bible has been a place of disconnect for me lately. I have a long way to go in being fully dependent on him 100% of the time but I am glad that he has grace and will love me even when I screw up. 

Skip is applying for his visa today to be back in Europe for 2 years. He hopes to be back by July. Part of me doesn't care at all because I'm mad at how he didn't care or do anything when I stopped talking to him. I feel so done in everything skip. And I hope that is only a season because I think he does great in ministry and hope I didn't stand in the way of that. 

End of thoughts for now. Thanks for letting me review/debrief/reflect with you today!!