The Struggles Of Always Seeking

Yesterday was my last day in #theweektoseek.

I thought it was going to end differently, as in felt like it had an ending. But it didn't. It felt like any other day.

I knew that I didn't want #theweektoseek to be a one-time thing. I want my whole life to be about seeking the Lord, but this week was very specific. I did get answers, I got an overwhelming teaching on a single word, "Obedience" --obedience isn't specific, not at all. But I feel like I know how to be obedient more than when I first notice the theme that the Lord was giving me.

This week was hard for me to cry out to the Lord, to be specific in what I was praying for, to put myself in a vulnerable state in front of Him. Thinking about it, there is no reason for me to think that this is a hard place to be. I love LOVE love being real before God. I love having a constant conversation and connection with Him. I think the only reason that it is hard to be in that place is because of spiritual warfare.

I am not a big fan of making everything about spiritual warfare. I actually hate bringing up spiritual warfare. But, I don't know what else would give me this resistance from being close to God. What else would tear us away from that bond that we have with the Lord?

It seems like a little thing when we look at everything going on, but this "little" thing leads to a lot of really big things. Not having this constant vulnerability and connection with the Lord makes it so that we need to believe in ourselves instead of Him.  And that is what makes us so messed up in sin, We only half-heartedly follow God and follow ourselves the rest of the time.

I have a handful of friends that have really really special relationships with the Lord. It isn't something that they keep a secret but when you are around them, they invite you in to share this amazing relationship they have with Jesus. Being around them instantly changes how you interact with God. He seemed real before, but now you know. He is in and a part of everything. They are passionate about being in God's word, They have this raw, real, transparent prayer life that makes you excited to pray and be in the presence of God with them (instead of counting the seconds until the prayer meeting ends)

I know a lot of people who more have a relationship with the Lord that is like mine. It is okay, but not amazing. He sometimes in charge of my life, but not always. There are things that I do on my own instead of together with Him. I pray boring prayers, I let my Bible sit on the coffee table while I watch TV. Only opening it on occasion, not having in go in and change everything about me.

For a long time now I want to be more like those friends of mine. I have had moments where my relationship with God was very similar to theirs. But I struggle in keeping it there. I struggle in making my whole life always like that.

I honestly think it boils down to spiritual warfare. The devil wants us to be anything but close to God, so He makes it feel exhausting, he makes us really uncertain of why it's a struggle, but that it is, and we don't deal with it because we can't identify why it is so hard.

We need to fight that. We need to be close to God, even when we don't know why it is a struggle to be close to Him.