Band at camp

The last 2 weeks there was a band at camp. This band contained 2 single guys my age. My boss became best friends with them- I had a few conversations with them, but overall I more had awkward moments with them. I thought one guy was fairly good looking, and I became very self-concious when he was around. In a way that I could tell he was paying attention from a distance. And in that I paid attention to him--

The band had a mob of summer staff fans, I didn't really want to get into that, so I felt like I almost rudely ignored them often. But in that mix, I had super random short conversations with on of them. -- One day he asked me how my morning hike was-- I didn't tell him ever about hiking, he just learned it in conversation with my boss or his wife-- and today he told me that he learned all about me from my boss. In a "I-wanna-connect-with-you-way" but never talked to me again. Sat away from me at dinner (this conversation started in line for dinner) 

Now, I'm not scheming my way into his life, but it was just a lot of awkward conversation and situations that I can't figure out. I can't handle the not knowing. I don't like not-knowing his intentions, I just want to know if he was or wasn't interested-- I want meaning to explain all the situations. And I'll most likely never get it. I just need to move on and make conversations better with the new group at camp. 

What's next? Really, what's next?

This morning I went hiking, and in the climbing of the hill I needed to pray for Skip- his future, and our future. He writes a generic newsletter each month that I get and this was in the newsletter that I read earlier this week:

Everything inside of me wants him to come and be with me. I don't know how that would work, but I want that! This is a glimmer of hope for me, but isn't likely, I don't have any reason for him to be with me, but me, and he isn't looking for me. 

My heart was so heavy in my prayers this morning. I want God to be so involved in both of our next steps. I want to see how the Lord is going to work in our lives. 

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I hate being single, I got embrassed that my boss told a bunch of people that I live in the "single ladies" house. I don't want people to know that about me if they don't need to, I don't need that judgement on me. 

 

Feeling not okay when it actually is okay

I'm sitting at my desk right now, overwhelmed. I don't have a lot to do in front of me, but what is, is hard to do. I don't know what the right next step is for 3 different situations in front of me. I am terrible at rebooking retreats, that's one of the things, I'm terrible at figuring out retreats where people badges need to be earned and half our staff or teachers of it. I'm also terrible at deciding if discounts are okay. 

In the big scheme of things I am okay, and in reality I'm very okay. I can see that- I can see it really well. But here i am, feeling very un-okay about very minor things. 

I went hiking this morning, and while I was on the trail I was thinking about Skip and I wonder if all this time waiting for us, won't seem that long, as in the 5 plus was nothing. I hope not. I hope this season always feels and is remembered as long. There is significance in this time and I hope that is not ever lost. 

Well, that's all I got for now, I guess I should get back to work, face the had things I don't really want to tackle.

Father, Son and Holy Bible

My roommate has been writing a camper devo on the Holy Spirit these last few months, which has brought many conversations on the trinity and how God and the Bible works together. I have had a really close relationship with the Holy Spirit in the past, but in time I have let that lapse- not pursing a deep relationship creates distance. 

But in her study and in our conversation, I have started to think more about the Holy Spirit. I know how amazing it can be. He is real! 

He also is complex and unique. He has become the dividing factor in many churches- so avoid him and the only holy thing the see is the "holy bible" others abuse the he spirit and make themselves powerful by their "relationship" with Him. Others want to know and have a relationship with Him but are fearful of the two above groups having contraversity over Him and  stay away. 

It can be a hard subject to talk about, and if we don't talk about Him, it seems odd to have him in our lives. And when the Hy Spirit speaks, we become weirded out and scared, uncertain because He is just a taboo subject for us. 

I know the Holy Spirit can be a huge and big part of my life, I need to pursue Him and restore that relationship with Him.

Can't live up to those expectations I made for myself

When i am in a certain role, I feel like I need to look like the person who did it before me, if I saw someone before me who did an amazing job. 

Well, I can't compete with really amazing people, I'm not as pretty, skinny, caring, outspoken, amazing as them. I sometimes feel the need to fake it, but I then go down this other rabbit hole. I think that is why I am struggling this week, I have had so many great full-time staff mentors and suddenly feel this self-appointed pressure to be as cool as my mentors--- and I'm not as cool or great as them, so I feel stand-off-ish like no one can get close because they will know the truth.- I'm not as cool as the mentors I had that they have never met. 

I listened to a podcast today  and our evening staff devo was on being a servant-- a slave for The Lord. You gotta be very humble, you gotta put everyone before you, you gotta stand up for Lord in this. 

That's hard. I'm selfish AND my great mentors were really good servants to me, and that adds to how I can't live up to their legacy in my life. 

 

I struggle in being so far behind in life, I'm practically 30 and have barely any adult accomplishs to show for it. I'm husband less, kidless, and don't own anything. But I need to cast all my anxiety on the Lord because he cares for me. 

I need to be not looking like my great mentors and be okay in  having my adult life look different than theirs. 

It's not only okay for this to happen, it may be part of God's plan. 

Skills and talents

I have been deep in thoughts about me lately- about my skills, talents, worth and why I am here and doing what I'm doing.

I often get to this place when it's time to G O! As in quit my job and start something new-- But not this time, quite the opposite actually.

Summer staff just arrived, they have big dreams in their lives, camp is just a stepping stone for them, yet here I am- full time. And I know there's a difference in our roles and jobs and there is significance to why I'm here, it's just hard see it. 

I feel like I have no marketable skills- I can't cook, do mechanical things, I have a very narrow job skill within my job- talk on the phone and email ppl- I don't have a good memory, or writing or verbal skills, I survive, but I'm not actually gifted at these things. 

I remember that God uses our weaknesses. I'm dyslexic, I'm not good at talking, yet I'm thriving at a job that requires and mostly uses both. 

I learned today, that my boss was telling his wife's extended family that the only reason camp was doing so well was because of me-- that is a very kind statement--and I don't see it as true-- I work with so many ppl who make camp amazing. I'm not that skilled in what I do- but it's nice to hear that God is working through me. I often wonder if I'm failing, and if I should quit, so that someone better and more capable should come in and do the things I am doing. 

It's staff training week, I am barely involved but have been trying to participate where I can. We had a chapel tonight, and my boss spoke. He talks a lot about having the Lord use you- that we often feel we aren't good enough- but that we should pray about it, we should pray for God to give us opportunities to share the gospel with others. 

As I'm going through this weird phase where I think about everything and nitpick who I am- I need to remember to let that go- I need to seek the Lord to prepare me for what I am doing. 

-- also I think I want to pray with group leaders about their camp, but make it very natural and not weird at all. I need to pray about how to do that- and opportunities for that.