Learn more and do more

There's a girl sitting on my couch working on her research paper for Bible college, it's a 5 page paper on holiness, on Friday she had a 10 page paper due on "Acts" and giving a full background of the book. 

I am so thankful I'm not in school and not in the paper writing/worksheet filling/textbook reading stage in my life. 

I am so thankful that I am still learning, but getting to do so in different ways. I can listen to podcasts at my leisure, I get to try out new things at work. I can pick what books I read. 

I love writing, I learn so much from having to put mythoughts down on paper. But the thought of having to do a formal writing with citing sources and formal languages makes me on-edged. I don't want to do that at all. I like to write my thoughts, and not make it fancy. 

I loved school. I loved the friends, the boys, the community, the fun you can have when you are having avoiding those awful papers. 

I have a good life here where I am at, but I think there is so much more that is going to come my way. I am living a too simple of a life. 

I think I need to become more materialistic. I need to think and care about my weight, hair, skin, and clothes way more than I do. 

I need to spend time with people outside of my bosses family. But really, I'm so content sitting at home watching old shows on YouTube--- I don't even have Netflix-- but there is more to life than TV, I'm sure there is. 

I need to embrace it and start doing it. 

Okay, really

I just wrote an entire post on how I was jealous of Eliasbeth's situation--- the next page, she writes that she rather be in my shoes... 

Grass is always greener on the other side--

 

Passion and Purity

My boss's wife has told me many times that I need to read this book and that my journey with Skip is so similar to Elisabeth And Jim Elliot's.

I'm embarrassed by "single" and "dating" books and often think they are a joke, but I ordered it and it came in today. 

My boss gave me a ride home and asked me what I got-- I was embrassed to tell him-- but I did, and he knew the book and wanted to talk about it. Thankfully the conversation only lasted 30 seconds. 

I have been reading it tonight and I see some big differences between mine andElisabeth's story. Jim told Elisabeth that he loved her early in their relationship--skip hasn't ever told me that. Skip has made very very few moves ever that indicate at all that he likes-me, likes-me. Outside of a little-bit of snuggling and hand-holding, the only things I have to base any sort of "liking-me" from him is him watching the Duggars with me and intentionally being around me. -- but that really isn't much-- I have had much more real relationships with other guys, all have which lead no-where... Well often the guy quickly marries another girl once our fling ends. 

I have also been reading "thriving in Babylon" and it has been talking about how we know we are faithful to God by obeying things that don't make sense to us. They have no logic or reason, but we do it anyway. 

The more and more time that goes by, the more I think God's plan for me and Skip is crazy--- yet at the same time, I am seeing to get more and more comfortable with it.-- but as I become comfortable with it, I freak out more about it because I allow myself to start the process of processing it. 

Some days I really think I have it good. I know who I am going to end up married to, I just don't know how-- I don't have to look and search for "the one" because I know who he is. ---but some days it's hard because people want you to look for "the one" and it's fun looking some days, but that is not the route I should be one. 

But deep down, I truly hope I am correct in hearing God's voice and that He spoke to me about Skip one day being mine. I know that I should trust God's voice over man's, so I should be thankful that God spoke to me.  right now though, I am very jealous of Elisabeth because she had Jim verbalized his love to her at the start, I have no human indictator of what's to come or what may be. 

Counterfeit faith

Went to church on Sunday and picked up this brand new book! 

I was reading it tonight, and it was talking about how the Jews would be counterfeit ... They could look like good Jews by being circumcised, participate in offering sacrifices and can trace their background to Abraham--- but their hearts could be far from God.

 We can do that in our lives as well, make everything look good on the outside, make it seem like we are close to the Lord, but can be so off track. 

Leaning on my own understanding. So easy, so logical, so often done-- yet it is wrong and lead to destruction. This quote convicted me-- I like the cost of following Christ to be little, I like when it makes sense in my head. Am I really truly following Christ? How does my life show that I am... on the inside? 

My leadership, attitude, and behavior is all significant

So many things have been going on in my life lately. I have learned that it is really important to stop and think, process and blog what is going on in my life to do well with these things. I have been instead avoiding it. I haven't been thinking/reflecting/praying/being intentional at all with the things going on in my life. 

There is now so many different places to start, and I decided to start with a podcast that I listened to last weekend and just relistened to 10 minutes ago. 

It's "why some teams win, but most don't" by Larry Osborne, I found it on the "Acts 29 Network" podcast and it aired April 28, 2014. Look it up-- it's real good, and will help the make sense of the rest of this post. 

Three days ago my boss and I were talking about podcasts and I told him I just listened to a really good one that he needs to listen to had him pull up the one above and download it. I get fearful that my boss will overthink the podcasts I had him listen to.  This one was about who you need character-wise on your team (relatable and adaptable) the importance of cutting the cancer out of your team, and the significance of having unity in your team. 

There's some cancer I want cut out on our staff; I am having unity problems on my team. And listening to this podcast I felt like there was also some things that I need to work on. 

Wednesday morning comes, it's a strange morning at work. I was the only person working there-- there's normally 4-6 others working alongside of            me. But it's just me and my boss comes into the office. He starts the conversation with "I listened to that podcast last night" 

I replied"yeah what did you think?"

 "No, you tell me your thoughts, first" is his answer. 

After a short banter of who goes first, I went first and said, " I thought it was really good, very convicting" 

He sparked up at my convicting answer, he asked what was convicting me. 

I could barley remember what was in the podcast at this point, and gave a lame generic answer. 

My boss replies (excitedly which threw me off) when Larry talked about being adaptable,  Iimmediately thought of you Becky,that is the one thing that you need to work on, you are so good at being relatable, and you are able to adapt, but you are so slow at getting there. -- the excitement in his voice is still throwing me off at this point, his tone screams "compliment" his words scream " character flaw" but I try my best to stay on track with him. I ask how I can improve on being adaptable-- he tells me that I need to trust him more-- which  I often lack trust with him. Not in the general sense, but more in the "I don't understand or know what is going on-- so how can I be on board if I'm so confused, I don't know to get on board" I think he gives people leadership that doesn't deserve it sometimes and they majority mess things up and I don't know how to stop it. 

I am a very fearful person, the older I get the mor intense it becomes. I try really hard to hid it. Fear is a big character flaw, and kinda a stupid one to have.. Being afraid gets you no where. 

My boss and I's conversation continues he asks me if we have any cancer. I said"yes" and gave a name (old roommate) he asked if there was anyone else. As he asks the question, a teacher came in to make a phone call- a manager came to as my boss a few questions, I had 15 minutes to think of my answer. 

All the commotion leaves the building and I go back to this office and say. "I don't think we have any more cancer, but I think we have some tumors that could turn into cancer, and name half of a department.  

I feel like I'm not allowed to ask or know the opinion of my boss of who he thinks is cancer, so I kinda asked, he said, " my answer would be very similar to yours" 

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I just threw a lot of detail into the above paragraphs, but it just has me thinking. The night before I was hanging out with my bosses wife. And in a very different context- I had the same theme conversation with her. one of my co-workers was hanging out with her and was telling her how unbiblical and unspiritual camp was and how she and her husband want it to look a certain way.

 Her husband has a high leadership position, he is position is higher than me, works directly for the director (who I call "my boss", I worked directly for him as well until January, not because of my position, but there wasn't a person hired to be the manager over my department) and one of his big roles is to be a spiritual leader for camp-- every other camp I have worked at or observed the person with the same title as him had a huge impact and shaped the Biblical direction of the camp. 

I makes me so mad to see him expect to have the same amount of people pour into as he did when he was an intern to where he is now in his postion. He is being mad about it and not changing it- which makes me so mad. 

The quote, "you are significant withor  without a significant other" goes along with us to work. Though I am completely replacible-- I am very significant when I am here. Everyone is. When I have a bad attitude, it significantly effects the rest of the team, when I do a bad job, it significantly effects the rest of the team. When I serve well and go above and beyound- that too significantly effects the team. 

The amount of things that I do is equally significant as the things I don't do. I need to be more adaptable, I need to see needs, fill needs, be kind, patient, communicate well. Because what I do and who I am is significant.