Crying The Day Out

Tonight a girl who I just met asked me, "What did you at work today?" Simple question, but it took me back a little. I spent half of my work day crying today, like a legit 4 hours crying today, and I didn't have tissues for the first 2 hours of crying.

I started my day crying as well, I cried in the shower, I cried instead of getting ready for work; I cried as I walked to work, a whole lot of tears.

I was uberly sensitive about EVERYTHING!!!
I was consumed with my life isn't going anywhere while I was getting out the door today, I kept thinking about how I was the pathic lonely girl at church and no matter how I go to church and how my life doesn't look how I want it to look. I keep crying because I hear about how people are trying to get pregnant, don't know what to do when they aren't with their wife and people asking me if they met my husband and me when they were last at camp. ---All emphasizing how pathetic my personal life is.

Then I get to work. I spent the afternoon yesterday mad at my boss from a bad text message that went down. Where he basically told me that I screwed up an entire groups schedule by giving them wrong bus length rules for our mountain road (which I was very confident that I was telling them the right thing, where my boss was my source.

) He was walking in the office just as I got there. I knew that everything fell apart yesterday when I left, I knew that the inclement weather that we had today was going to mess up the schedule. I knew that I wasn't prepped for all the details for the day and that everything was going to be messed up, and it would all fall on me for being terrible at my job.

It was maybe 5 minutes into the day when my boss pulled me into my office shut the door and asked me what was wrong. I didn't cry, and I didn't answer, he gave me a short pep talk, told me what I needed to do, and I went to do it, almost crying the entire time.

I don't know what was wrong with me this morning. I felt overwhelmed by every failure in my life and couldn't see past it. I don't know though how all these feelings came to the surface all at once.

I was back in the office, and my boss came into check-in on me and started asking me all these questions about my emotional state. I didn't know how to answer them. I knew that he had an answer that he wanted me to get to, but I didn't want to play the game of guessing what was wrong with me, I just wanted him to tell me and tell me how to fix it. With tears coming out of my eyes, I finally got him to stop asking me all these questions about why I feel like I am a failure at everything that I do and after saying, " I don't know how to fix it, if I did, I would already be doing that and wouldn't be failing at everything that I do!"

With this statement, he asked me how I am failing. On the giant whiteboard in the office, he wrote all my answers, making this giant list of the things I can't do. Then he asked me what I loved to do and what I would be okay in never doing again. And wrote them down. (Tears are streaming out of my eyes this entire time--like a flood, thankfully, I didn't have snot coming out my nose, just tears with mascara smear all over my face)

After a long time of examining why I am a failure, and asking me yet again how I need to fix it. He wrote "HELP" on the board. I need to fix this problem with getting help. He wrote the annual income that camp had when we started, to where we are now. It is almost double. He told me that this "amazing I can do anything and everything" person who does my same job at a different camp has less than 1/2 the number of guest groups that we have, on average, only working with 1 (every once in a while 2) groups a weekend. I oversee 3-5 on average a weekend.

This made me feel a little better, but not really. We made a game plan in how to get me help. I was okay with it, except that I feel like the person who was going to help me has communicated that I don't ever do anything and that they feel the need to keep adding things to my plate.

Communicating that I need to help all these other people who need help, when I feel like I am drowning with my expectations before helping others. Keep saying to me "that is only 2 minutes of work a week, you really can't add that to your routine?" and making me feel like crap for feeling behind when I should have all this free time according to this person.

My boss assured me that this would work. I am still unsure, I have asked this person for help before and just get my request ignored, or they ignore me when I ask for help.

After we met and walked through this for 2 HOURS, my boss and I parted ways, he went to his office, I went back to work at my desk. I could not stop the tears from coming out. My tears were more intense than they were through this hard meeting.

As we were wrapping up the meeting, I had this thought, and I couldn't get it out of my head "Was my boss wanting me to resign, so that he could replace me with his own 'mr. Amazing I can do anything and everything?' Was me staying at camp actually hurting camp and everyone is waiting for me to leave to replace me with someone who could do my job right?"

I knew asking this question would make me ugly cry and after crying for 2 hours with just tears, I couldn't bear to make myself ugly cry.

So I didn't say anything. But this question was eating away at me. Do I need to for real resign for my job today? Do I need to go? Am I ruining this ministry? Am I good enough for my job-- I can pursue a less pressure one if I am not cut out for this?

A few hours passed. New things were on my plate, but I really couldn't stop crying. That question was haunting me. But I didn't know how to ask it.

I was about(just about) to get the nerve to ask my boss this, and he came into my office, shut the door, and told me something he was excited about. I talked a minute or two about his news; he was about to leave, and I asked him if I could go back to our morning conversation. His demeanor changed, the mood went to light to serious. My words didn't come out right, I spoke really slowly, to keep the tears in, and asked if he needed me to leave (in mumble jumble words, though, because I was a mess) I was told no.

Part of me doubted that I made my boss pinky swear (and put out my pinky) that he would tell me if and when I reached that point right away. He said that no one could do my job better than me. Some could meet the same quality, but it wouldn't be the same. This meant a lot. I couldn't actually listen and process all that he was saying, I just felt relief that I didn't have to resign right then.

He then asked me what I resent about camp. Still now, I don't have an answer. Resent is such a strong word. I don't think I feel that way about anything with my job. My boss read that the number 1 that a person leaves their job is because they feel resentment towards something, and he wanted to know what I felt resentment towards.

This question meant the most to me after EVERYTHING that we covered that day. It made me feel like everything nice said to me had meaning, it wasn't just fluff words. He then told me that I need to take some vacation time before summer, I started to cry again. I have way too much to do and feel way too behind to take a vacation before summer.

I don't understand emotions, specifically my emotions today. I still do not feel okay, but I am way less of a mess. I don't know how to get back to normal me. It has been so long since I have been that normal that I don't even know how to be that.

Things will get better.