Hard days and setting up interviews

Last Friday, everything felt like it blew up in my face, but I was going to deal with it calmly and rationally. I faked that emotion the whole weekend, I kinda fell apart yesterday and today was the day of ALL melt-downs. Mascara running mess is what I became.

I was sitting at my desk frozen, eyes filled with water about to burst at the seams, I text my friend and ask if I can sit at her house and have a melt-down. and Boy did I have a melt-down.

Sadly, my friend is also my bosses wife, and she MADE me tell her husband all that was going on, which he was pissed to listen to. I was a mess, embarrassed that I was a mess and really wanted everything in the world to go away. Wishing that I was all set to leave this place and start my new job in the mid-west which I never heard back from.

Protect me from what is not you Lord.

Lord,

Knowing you can be scary.

You have all the power, you make all the rules, you are in complete control, and you welcome me to know you personally.
That is a lot of power and it is scary to know someone in that position.

But God, you care about me. You know me, you want a relationship with me. You want me to trust and believe in you.

I want that. I want to have this amazing relationship with you. I want your Holy Spirit to be more transparent in me than me.

Who am I going to be? #getoveryourselfbecky

What do I want to be?

Do I want to be this person who is stuck on living in a world of "what if" Do I want to be this person who doesn't like where her life is and spends her days depressed, avoiding relaity and sitting on the couch and watching tv?

Is that what I want for myself? Because that is who I have become.

OR

Do I want to be a person who pursues God and a relationship with Him no matter what the specs of my life look like?

Do I want to be a person who isn't afraid to stand up and grow in my relationship with the Lord even when I don't know what the result will mean for me.

Feeling Stuck

I am now 30 years old; I haven't heard a peep about that job in the Midwest (its been over two weeks) and I feel stuck.

I had a melt-down on Friday, I am tired of having plans fall through and retreats not going as people planned. I am tired of not having everything put together always, and I am tired of having a manager that doesn't help me when I am so desperately needing help, but expecting me to have it all put together.

I don't know how I function. I don't know how other people do this. I don't think I am very good at living how my life is set-up right now and I feel like I am in so deep here that I don't know how to go back.

Coach? 22 year-old? Any guy? #singlelife #letschangethatstatus

Saturday night I had a quick but great encounter with a coach from one of our retreat school. He was really nice and really good looking (best smile ever) AND he didn't have any rings on his left hand. As we talked in the office, it became really clear that this coach respected both his parents and grandparents, loved to travel and have adventures. He was fairly new at this school and told me of his past jobs, and I was trying to add up the years to see if he was in the right age frame for me.

I spent an embarrassing amount of time yesterday googling this guy, trying to answer two simple questions, "How old is he, and is he single" I saw his school profile, Instagram, twitter, facebook, linkedn, and random news articles to find the answer to these questions. In all my searching, I have concluded that he is 35 and single (at least the last time he posted a picture of him and a girl was in 2013, and she was celebrating 18 months with a new guy last week on her Instagram)

Tired of Limbo Land

I haven't heard anything about the job, which I think is a very bad sign. I have mostly given up hope on it, but haven't been told, "becky, your out"

I am pretty sure that nothing is going to happen, but it makes me struggle to move forward. I signed up for a 5k that's in a month, part of me questions if I will be able to participate. I wondered if I should have gotten that 12 pack of Toliet paper, or if I should have only gotten the 4 pack for the next few weeks.

Back and Forth, Up and Down

A lot has happened, but I haven't wanted to deal with it. So I have been online shopping. Watching TV, cleaning, anything from keeping me from the place of being real with things that are going on around me. 

I got a message back about that job close to my family. It sounded amazing; I filled out the application. I felt sick to my stomach because I knew that I needed to tell my boss that I was applying for a job before I submitted the application. I avoided it and avoided it and avoided it. After chickening out at the perfect moment and running out of time, I asked if I could meet with him tomorrow. 

I ended up driving my boss on a golf cart only 20 minutes after asking to meet with him. He asked me what we were meeting about, and if we could do it right now, I sheepishly replied, "I'm not ready" He then said, "are you leaving camp?" ---well---there's no avoiding it now. So as we drive through the middle of camp on the golf cart  talking about me leaving (thankfully no one was around and that our golf cart was loud, so we weren't overheard)