Fresh eyes

I have been around Christianity my whole life. I was the token church kid, teen and adult that we all know. When you are the token Christian, you are exposed to lots of bible lessons, stories, teachings, sermons, activities, movies, music. You get lots and lots of bible.

Today I was thinking while I was listening to a sermon on Acts how God has really wiped me clean of my Bible upbringing and prideful mind of knowing the Bible. God is allowing me to see Him in his word in a whole new and in a brand new way each time I experience it. I think this has been going on in my life for 3 years now, but didn't think or see the amazing thing he is doing by letting his word be fresh each time I see/ hear of read it. 

I need to process the sermon I just heard on acts. I need to relisten, pause it and study deeper each passage that we go to. I need to let the words sink deep into my heart and have it be apart of my life. 

Above is the key verse, "The apostles left rejoicing because they have been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the name (of Jesus)"

That's such a big deal. They were flogged, FLOGGED! I don't even know what that means, some kind of terrible torture. And they left rejoicing. 

I really really really need to work on praising God in the everything of life. And make that a real part of my life. 

I really needed to stop, and reflect this past week and process via blogging all these things going on in my head. I hope to do that today. I hope you see so many more posts from me today, and allow God to work through my thoughts and that I am able to process them out here. 

Hope you hear from me soon! 

Ps.

I got new hiking shoes this past week: 

And I went hiking with them first time today. I def need to brake them in! Look at how dirty they got and the huge blister from my 2 mile hike today! 

I think though in a bit, it will be perfect! 

Planning my funeral

I have a friend who has completely planned her funeral, even though she is way away from dying. From that, I have been thinking about what my life would look like if I died this moment. And, it doesn't good. I have never settled anywhere, I don't have a big social circle here. I don't feel like my like I'm a true CA resident I probs wouldn't even have a funeral or burial here. 

Now I think it's good for me to leave my hometown and go out and explore the world. I think it is important to not have the world all about me. 

So even though the number of people at my funeral will be minimal. And I don't know when or where it will be I want the following to be the theme of what people say about me:

1. I was there for them

2. I was trustworthy to them

3. I was super fun and easy to be around, not uptight or rigid

4. I loved The Lord and it was apparent in everything I said or did 

5. I made them laugh and I made things fun

6. I was really responsible and reliable and you can count and trust me to be to do what's in front of me. 

Right now, that is what I want my legacy to be. I need to work and show those qualities in everything that i do. 

 Funeral logistics: 

I am a traditionalist, I would like it to be in a church, everyone wear black to it. 

Since I have moved around and done so much, and have so many different social circles and life styles wrapped up in my life. I would love to have a person speak about me in each stage of life and what I was doing and like in all of these stages. 

Childhood: my cousin D, or sister C

High school: friend Emily

College: my all 4 year roommate L

Year after college: roommate E

1st camp internship: Ash from Texas

Current: boss's wife or Katie

I think it would be significant to have my life summed up in that way to have my story told by many faces, it would make sense of who I am today. 

Music: 

10,000 reasons by Matt redman, performed by ash and whit

Tree by Justin rizzo (played at separate time than 10,000 reasons) 

---" I want my life to be unshakable and unmovable in The Lord. And I hope as I pass you have seen him be in me and work in mighty ways. Hope he is now working in you. Making his roots so deep that nothing can knock you down." This to be read before.  

If I die before my parents, I want people to make a memory book for them. Bringing in pictures and writing memories they had with me to encourage them in knowing they raised me well and gave me the opportunity to live this incredible life that I have had. 

If willing. I would like my mom and dad speak at my funeral. 

I would like my mom's cookies with milk be served at the open house part, they are just the best. And if possible, for the cookies to be frozen and served in the same Tupperware containers they were in my house growing up, because I want everyone I love to experience these cookies in this magical way. --(though I don't want my mom to make them, only mention this if someone is looking for a way to help-unless she wants to) 

Well I think that is about it. No one in my real life knows about this blog, I would like for those close to me to have a chance to read it and see me in this unique writing form, but no one else needs to unless it becomes or is significant to my future life. It's really up to the person who discovers it, because I will be dead, and earthy cares are no more. 

Glad we got that planned whuff-ta!! I can now sleep in peace. ---okay I lost no sleep over this ever. 

Story: heart to heart (kinda) with boss

Tonight, I worked late, I was off at 4:30 but stayed until 9:00. I had a lot to do today, but no time to do it.

 My boss came back to the office when I was finishing up, and as we stood at the counter stapling packets, the conversation turned to happiness, and my boss said, "if we present things to people showing that that way is the best way for everyone, it makes everyone happy."

 And I responded with something that sounded like mocking to my boss and he said "so you are mocking me?!"

 I replied "no, I'm trying to make it so I am happy"  

Then my boss started asking me why I have been so unhappy for a few weeks. 

I became like a deer in the headlights. 

I froze, 

"It's mainly the group that I is coming to next week"-- they have been SO stressful!

 "Mainly, what else" he said. 

Wow, what do you say to that??, he asked it intensely. 

"I don't really know" I say

"You don't really know, or you don't want to tell me" he replies. Still intense, making direct eye contact. 

"I don't know specifically, it's all the small stuff" I say. 

"I get that" he moves out of intensive mode and stops staring me down. "The little things have been killing me to"

Though he's less intensive, he's still not normal, still not okay.

I ask, "are you mad at me?" --he should be, I've not been okay for like 6 weeks now, trying to fake my happiness, but letting my true colors come out to much. 

He asks "why would I be mad at you?" 

I refere to the conversation we just had. 

After a few meaningless comments that I can't recall, my boss says this:

"though you don't know what's bothering you, i do. And I can't fix the problem right now."

I asked"how would you fix it"

 he said "fire someone" ---I don't even know who he would fire, because I think so many people need to go! 

We get outside and hop on his gator. As we start the drive up the hill he says

 "I'm not mad at you, I just want to see where you are at and if we are on the same page. I get mad because I see so many things that I want to fix like that [snap] but I get so frustrated because you have to wait to get the problem fixed."

 Then he dropped me off at my house. And now I'm sitting here on my couch processing all of that. 

I don't even know how, what do you do with that? I feel glad that he kinda opened up to me, he has been a mess less time than me, but way more intense. I have been opening doors for him to be real with me. But this cryptic conversation focused on me through me off. In the beginning of it, I thought I was going to get a talking to about being unhappy. A "change that crap" lecture, but I didn't, not at all. Even though I need to change that crap. 

Instead, I'm confused. I feel like he opened up to me, but I don't really know what he said. I also don't think change is going to happen, but my hopes are up that the word "fire" came into the conversation. 

I'm still in flee mode. This doesn't change that. But I'm glad that this work storm may soon be over. 

Arts and crafts

Just finished the first of the 5 chevron wall hangings I am painting for my living room. I was going to only have 2 teal triangles, but it looked too much like racing strips, so I added some more. Can't wait to show you the finished product! 

Blog of a blog-- that I saw on Facebook

My boss's wife just posted this blog to her Facebook, it is really really good. I wanted to share it all with you: 

singleness is not a disease.

If you know me well, you know I’ve been in a few weddings. And by few I mean that I could make my own version of “27 Dresses.” Friends love to say “always a groomsman, never the groom.” All of my best friends are either married, engaged or seriously dating someone. So naturally everyone believes I should be, too. I mean think about it…. You are supposed to meet your wife in college and get married shortly after graduation, right? “The rest of your life”begins once you have a job and get hitched. Well this mindset is the reason for my frustration…

When did Christ stop being enough? Doesn’t my life belong to Him whether I’m single or married? When I stop finding my self-worth and fulfillment in Him, I have aserious problem.

Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. Irejoice whenever friends get engaged or married and I’m truly honored to be a part of their big day. I, too, desire to one day be married and have children. But who says that has to be now? Or that I’ve missed my “window of opportunity” by finishing college and still being single?

Honestly, there are days I’ve wondered why I haven’t found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve found myself living like I’m waiting for someone to arrive. Society (even Christian society)treats singleness as the waiting room for marriage. And that mindset has trickled down to me.

But that isn't how I should think. And neither should you. When did singleness become a disease that needs a cure?

People told me “Caleb, you’re gonna move to Houston and find your wife!”Many of those same people are shocked that I’ve been in Texas for a year now and I’m still single. I didn’t move to Houston to find a wife. I moved to Houston to servethe Lord of my life. If I find a wife in the process, great. If not, great.  

Whether I’m single for another week or for the rest of my life, I will treat it as a gift. I plan to wake up every day excited to spend it with my Creator. What else do I need?

When did Christ stop being enough? Doesn’t my life belong to Him whether I’m single or married? When I stop finding my self-worth and fulfillment in Him, I have aserious problem.

Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. Irejoice whenever friends get engaged or married and I’m truly honored to be a part of their big day. I, too, desire to one day be married and have children. But who says that has to be now? Or that I’ve missed my “window of opportunity” by finishing college and still being single?

Honestly, there are days I’ve wondered why I haven’t found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve found myself living like I’m waiting for someone to arrive. Society (even Christian society)treats singleness as the waiting room for marriage. And that mindset has trickled down to me.

But that isn't how I should think. And neither should you. When did singleness become a disease that needs a cure?

People told me “Marcus, you’re gonna move to Houston and find your wife!”Many of those same people are shocked that I’ve been in Texas for a year now and I’m still single. I didn’t move to Houston to find a wife. I moved to Houston to servethe Lord of my life. If I find a wife in the process, great. If not, great.  

Whether I’m single for another week or for the rest of my life, I will treat it as a gift. I plan to wake up every day excited to spend it with my Creator. What else do I need?

It comforts me to read this...a lot. To know that I'm not stuck alone in this boat. I have a lot of single friends-but they are all girls that I talk about the hardness of singlehood. I love hearing what this guy had to say. I love that I know he is quality and not a weirdo. It gives me so much hope. (But not make me want to fall in love with him)

"For The Lord is preparing me"

This has been my answer to almost all the Gideon study questions as I worked through that, and I know they The Lord is preparing me for something. The past couple of weeks, I thought it was The Lord preparing me a way outta here because I was hating every single day so much. 

In the midst of worship today our worship leader told a story of The Lord preparing him for months before somthing really hard and pressing happened to him, and now as he is in that season, he is hanging on to the things The Lord prepared him for. In the drive home from church today. I was telling my boss's wife all that I learned in church and that The Lord is preparing me for something, and that I don't know what it is. ---I have a great fear of what it is. Skip becoming engaged to that Facebook girl (or any girl that's not me) and that my promise won't come to be, for a consequence of my year of disobience, or to show I can trust The Lord even when it doesn't make sense. Whatever the it is. I hope, HOPE it's not that. It has the potential of snapping me, instead of stretching me. 

Lord please have your word be, even in my disobedience!  

Church knowledge James 1:19-25

Just got home from church, I learned A LOT, gotta write it out so I don't forget. 

James 1:19-25

Cycle of blessing: a pattern in our lives that we hopefully go through over and over again, and am blessed by being connected to The Lord. 

1. Clean out the crud--- take out all the known sin in our lives. For the more we hold onto sin, the less The Lord will be apart of our lives. 

Romans 1:18-32, proverbs 4:18--as I further read into this, I don't know if they are exactly saying that God works like a dimmer switch in our lives. Gotta pray about that one. 

2. Humbly receive Gods word

*** BIG LEARNING HERE***

James 1:21 " therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you" 

--when we read the bible and we disagree with it, believe that we "are special" and it doesn't apply to us, we are not humbly accepting it. Pastor Larry gave the example of Apple maps. It's normally accurate, but every once in a while it gives us a direction that is really stupid, and we go out and make our own route. Which is good because Apple maps isn't our God. But when God who is our God, tells us to do something really stupid, and we turn and go our own way, we are disobeying God by our arrangance of who we is. It's easy to follow when it's easy, but the paths that looks to be a stupid way to go, is when we show we humbly accept Gods word--complete reminder for me with skip... Having this new girl in his life is really hard for me, but I need to remain on this path, even though it seems so unrealistic at this time. 

Examples pastor Larry gave of this:

•our generosity, waiting to be debt-free, to make more, to have the savings account 

•our honesty, telling the truth even if it hurts/hard

•our bitterness towards that one person we cannot forgive

•flirting with temptation, and not fleeing from it

3. Do what it says, living a life obedient and acting the way the bible says

Bible study myths that royally screw us up: 

1. The more you know the more you grow

Reality: the more we obey God's word, the more we grow. 

2. A bible scholar is a God expert

Reality: we learn more as we be obedient

3. If you are a poor reader, you can't be a close Christian to The Lord.

Reality: it's not about reading it's about doing what God's word says. Living it out matters more than being a reading expert. ---"blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it" Luke 11:28

3. Take your obedience to a deeper level

V23-25 tells us that a fool forgets immediate after seeing, but if we look intently at the perfect law that gives freedom, not forgetting it, and doing it, he will be blessed for what he does. (Not just knows) 

I learned a lot from this. A lot! I have many things I need to work on. The main thing my pride, and growing in the obedience to The Lord's word and doing as it says always, not just when it leads me on a path that I want to go on. 

Movie shoot

My boss and I went down to the movie shoot that's happening at camp last night. I LOVED IT! it's so cool. They did a night shot of a father and daughter at a campfire with their dog. They have this huge spotlight that gets shined onto different screens to make it "moon light" and it has this cool effect on the lighting. 

 They have other lights that have filters that makes it so you can see everyone so well but still very dark. 

I have developed a little crush-crush on the director, not a real crush, but a "you are stink'n hot and cool crush." He came and talked to my boss and I between each take and gave us all the inside info of what was going on. So cool!! I'm really glad I got to experience all of that. 

In other news: 

One of my co-workers just informed me that one of the summer staff has a crush on me. I was pretty that he did by his actions, but it's good to have that confirmed. And as much as I don't know what to do with that, I feel pretty dang good about myself that a guy 5 years younger than me has a crush on me. It's almost like i have some game left! 

Ps the picture was from set-up, I turned my phone off at the shoot, I was scared it  would ring/beep/buzz and ruin a scene. 

Bahhhhh!

I'm having one of those days where I'm about to cry by all the work that I have to get done. I feel so much pressure. 

How do people handle this? 

Facebook revealing current reality

This girl who I have kinda thought had
a thing going on with skip wrote this on his Facebook wall earlier today: 

Skip was the one comment he wrote: 

There are so many bad signs for me. 

1. She public ally declared missing him

2. They sing and dance together

3. They have inside jokes together 

4. He responded

5. His response doesn't even make sense to me, that's how much of an inside joke it is. 

Skip is amazing, girls have always been in love with him. This shouldn't come be a surprise. And well it doesn't. I'm surprise at how sad my heart feels. How incredibly jealous I am for this girl. And, yet again, so completely confused on how God is going to work in this relationship, especially now with this girl ( who is probley completely incredible) in the way. 

Steaming in anger

This is the verse church was about this past weekend. It's been eating me up for days. I didn't go, and I really don't feel ready to listen to it. Tonight, Tuesday night, I finally had the courage to look at the sermon notes. To read the verse above. 

I have become enraged with anger lately. Enraged! I'm am constantly mad, almost any small thing will completely set me off. The little things are eating away at me. As you have read my posts in the past few days, I am in flight mode, I don't know all that is eating away at me, I feel of very little value. And as people affirm me, I feel less and less of value, as though that confirmation is needed, because they see I'm about to fall apart. And I know KNOW that I'm replaceable, and if they replaced me now, would the new person thrive so much better than me?

My boss texted me this tonight: 

I stared at it for a long while. Processing what he meant. I didn't go to staff worship yesterday night. I talked to him on Friday about how I'm struggling. I met with him today, we kinda talked about how I was doing, but not really. Was he hurt that I didn't go last night? Was he glad that I was joining the group tonight? Did I do something wrong before and now I'm on the right track? 

This is how I replied:  

          thanks ________, a lot of 

He talked about prayer tonight, and the importance of it, and how to do it. I know this all, but it's hard to move forward in, when you are angry. 

I need to muster up the courage to listen to the sermon. Though it will most likely be stretching, it will be really good for me to grow in this area. 

Also, I am not going to apply for thie job I really really want to apply for unless God puts in my life a person to encourage me to do so. I need not run away, but instead work in God's timing, and that's the way I asked The Lord to make it clear if I need to move in that direction. 

What is that view? Promiseland or just a escape location?

There's a job opening in this beautiful area, 12 miles from the beach, a 7 minute drive from trader joes, and in an amazing climate. It's still in the mountains, but I think this mountain location is so different than mine. Instead of working directly with guest groups, I would assist the executive director. That seems oh so much less stressful. The camp seems well-establish. When I talk about it, and listen to my own words come out of my mouth, it makes no sense why I haven't applied for this job. But I just can't get myself to move forward. 

This past week has been so hard for me. I just want to talk away and quit. I feel so alone and unsupported in my role. I feel like I owe people for convincing them to serve guests. I feel like I can't keep up and do the job that I need to do. I talked to my boss last week. And though talking to him always makes me feel better, it doesn't change anything. Nothing comes from these conversations, and a few days or week in right back in the place I felt before the conversation. 

With no dramatic change from all the conversations and situations, it has not only been wearing on me, but also my boss himself. He hasn't been the same, he in fact has been really not okay for about two weeks now. I think the stress of camp is getting to him. 

 I demand a lot from him, I am the only office staff that works with guest groups directly outside of him. When I am not working, he has to. And I think both he and his wife are getting mad at me for this, and I am mad back because I want help from someone who is fully focused on helping me, not one who has the full responsibility of running camp. 

Whenever I talk to my boss about needing help, the conversation always goes these two ways. 1. Asking if I need to step down from the position because I can't handle it and 2. My boss offering to stress himself more and assist in a way that is not practical and one that actually makes my life more stressful because I don't trust that the job will actually be completed. 

In writing this post, I think I am done, this is not a good work environment. This isn't a place that I want to be at. Why am I here? 

I am here because I move all the time and I need to stay somewhere. I don't want to be the typical millennial and run when it's hard, I would feel like a jerk to my boss-- he has no one really on his team, and outside of my feelings I listed above, we get along really really well. The logistics and expense of moving scare me. I don't think my car would make it. I own more than my car could handle, it would take so much effort and work to get this move together, and I don't know if I could finically or mentally afford it. 

I have been really angry lately, and my prayer life has suffered greatly because of that. In all of these feelings and reasons, I need to not respond with them, but go to The Lord in prayer. If I am to leave or to take a step in the direction of leaving by applying for this job. I need to pray make it clear to me that this is a direction to move it, if I am to stay that that will also be clear. 

I'm a mess of feelings, and I lost my work keys (I have a hunch of where that are, I hope they are there)  which makes me a little crazy. Pray for me, pray for clarity in all of this. 

Blog new look

Every blog that makes it into my radar ALWAYS has a very simple look, and has white as the background color. Very clean, very crisp. I fought it for a long time, I like my dark gray background with white words and orange accents. It was time. I switched it over today. I kept my images. But as you can see I have a classic looking blog.

I made the non-moble site first. It was perfect. But I HATED how the moble site looked, so I started messing with it. It wrecked it all! 

So I tried to go back and perfect. I'm not there yet, but it's close. I really don't like the blue color on the moble site, but I don't know how to fix it. So it will be what is it! 

Thanks for looking! Let me know if anything else needs fix'n! 

Flight mode

I am having major issues. I'm in flight mode BIG TIME! I really really want to just quit my job and walk away. I'm done hearing all the praise and emphasis on this new camp that is premiering for one week this summer. I'm done feeling alone at my job. I'm done hearing fake encouragement from really fake people. I'm done with people undervaluing our guests and overvaluing themselves. I'm done with having staff being set in their ways and have the staff work around what is best for them.  

I talked to my boss about it tonight. He is really good. He MAKES me talk, he really wants to listen. He keeps saying "what else, I know you want to say more" but he is my boss, a lot of what is bothering is kinda connected to him in some ways. And he hears a lot of crap from a lot of ppl. He doesn't need to hear mine on top of it all. 

In reality, I don't know what all is wrong with me. I think if I had to boil it down I feel unsupported and alone at work and that no one is there to help me out. I don't have a safe person to talk through decisions with with actually has the time and ability to do that with me. I don't have anyone helping me out. I feel like people are that I work with mad at me all the time for making them make food, running activities and cleaning up messes. Im not a strong person. I am not a natural leader. I don't feel the right to say anything ever-- it's my issue, not theirs. And I don't want to deal with my issues, I just want to go.  RIGHT NOW! 

---and what I think is the worst of this all is all I want to do is leave, and I have a boss who will listen to my problems, seek me our and ask me" what is going on with you today, and how can I make it better" who actually has that in life?! And why do I want to leave so badly this environment? 

Skip to me, timing is everything

It's when of those days where I have a lot of stuff to do at work, but somehow seem to continue to waste time, looking at skip's photos online. Amazed at how incredible they are, blown away by all the adventures he has experienced, and puzzled in how God is going to make this traveling boy be apart of my so-settled American life.

 I am really missing having a guy in my life. But this experience of faithfully waiting has made me now in a place where I don't want anyone to come into it who isn't skip. 

I really want to see him. Even if it's just a short visit, I'll gladly take a day or two, a few hours even. I want to laugh with him. I want to hear what is going on in his life,talk about the small things, hold his hand, remember that his is a real person. Not just this amazing friend from the past. 

I'll even take a FaceTime conversation, a Skype call, a Facebook chat... Anything really. I want him to reach out and acknowledge that we know each other. That he at least wants to reconnect in any form. 

I need to start making it my prayer that The Lord will connect us again. As much as I want it to be soon, I am wanting it more to be Gods way. Though I have become this person who is crazied with the "give-mes" right now ( I want to buy up EVERYTHING! new earrings, jeans, furniture, make-up, facewash, shoes etc. I want it all) my heart is different with skip.  I want my feeling to be put to the side and God works in this as he sees the way it is best. Both for skip and I, and the influence our relationship has on others. 

It's unique, it's hard, it's the best experience God could have me be doing right now. 

May God work super-naturally in me now and always and that though time is passing between skip and I connecting, that he will bond our hearts as he needs at this time.