Leadership meetings

I listen to Andy Stanley's leadership podcast about every other month. Even though I don't listen often, he is such an influential teacher that his words stick with me. He leads a weekly leadership meeting at his organization as well; he talks about these meetings often in his podcasts. He talks about how he sees these meetings as his time. How he gets to talk and teach on whatever he wants. These meetings are crucial to how his organization operates and he uses his time to create the culture of the organization.
I had these words of Andy running through my head yesterday as we sat down to start our weekly leadership meeting. Over the past few weeks, our structure of our leadership meeting has been adapted. We start off the same,  prayer, next ten-day schedule and announcements, but instead of ending with announcements we have begun going through our boss's leadership training.

I think meetings are important, and I think Andy is right in thinking that this is his time and trying to get across what he wants the meeting to be. But as our meeting was starting, I had a sick feeling in my stomach, I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to have to go through another leadership training.

As much as Andy is right that this is his time, there are other things that we need to consider, those attending your meeting. You need to create an environment that is good for your staff to learn and feel comfortable in learning in.
Our leadership meetings contains diverse people. There is some tension between people who attend. Things are as good as I think they can ever be between each of us. But it isn't like hanging out with your best friends. There isn't a deep level of trust between everyone.

With the personality differences, and history it makes it hard to move forward. There are so many different mindsets, and the tension is strong in the room as we talk about the fundamental structure things that are going on. I am not overly confident these days, and these meetings make me feel more and more like a failure. That I am not doing my part of the team, I am the problem. I know that there are always moving pieces, and I shouldn't become so egocentric when something big picture doesn't work out, but I don't work that way. I feel like I am to blame.

It is hard not feeling good enough. I wish I could meet all the expectations. I am not doing well, seeing all our failures and analyzing them is hindering my already small amount of self-esteem that I have.

I don't know how to make these meetings better, and I have Andy Stanley in my head saying that tension is good. So maybe I just need to embrace these meetings keep changing from them, even if I think is is so hard.