Rough Week Recovery

Yesterday was better.

In reading that, I am sure you are all thinking either "of course, things couldn't have gotten any worst" or "good, Becky was getting a little to emo for me to handle"  Both are appropriate thoughts.

Friday was a really low day for me. Saturday turned out to be better. Our transition from breakfast to the groups meeting room went well. I was able to get lots of work done in the office in the morning. No one came in and said anything mean to me.

We went over to turn over the dining hall again at lunch. Our office crew got their before the end of the groups session. The kitchen was so loud. Thankfully, they weren't talking loudly. But all the normal kitchen noise: Washing dishes, moving trashcans, the dings and clings of all the metal dishes is loud. It made me sad that there was so much background noise to their session.


We got the dining hall turned over. Lunch only had minor issues and then we were done. Our men's group just had free time and departure left of their schedule.

I ended up working the gift shop most of the afternoon with one of my co-workers. We were so busy with our 3rd-5th grade campers. We had this nice flow of people it was nice to be busy with mindless, stress-free work.

I got to talk to some of the men. They had a great time. They told me all these nice things about their camp experience. They are so excited to come back next year. I didn't know how to handle that. I was thinking "How did you have such a great time? This was a mess" Along with, "I don't know if I'm okay with doing this retreat again" But, I think that it will go better next year.

Last night, I got to talk to one of my friends, Smash. We interned together at my first real camp job. Our whole group of interns are very close but Smash and I have stayed good friends through the years. But we haven't talked in a really long time.


It is so good to catch up. We started to conversation with me telling her about the TV shows that I have been into.Which is so superficial, we almost never talk about that. But I was so good for me to be superficial. To talk about these fictional characters lives. Because I think about their lives.

She asked me all these questions. "What makes you happy these days" What makes you content" "what is your biggest struggle" and I was asking her the same questions back. After the 4th one she said, "I don't really want to answer questions, I just really want to hear you talk" So I stopped asking her questions, and I talked, a lot. Smash is one of those friends who is so easy to be around and share things that you didn't even know that you thought. It is really amazing. I don't know how she does it.

I was telling her about how I was struggling with my "soft skin" and the building and not having enough places for campers. In my mind, this is a really hard thing, but I feel like anyone else could tackle this obstacle and make everything great. I feel like I am the only one who struggles with this and everyone else in my shoes would soar in this situation. Talking to Smash she told me that's not the case. That this thing that I am working through is indeed really hard and that many people could not handle it.

That spoke volumes to me. I often get so consumed with my own doubts and fears that I think I am the only one who can't do it. I forget that there is the possibility that many others would struggle the exact same way that I struggle.

Everyone I interact with-I work with. (or their family member.) I don't see outside people. which makes my job a HUGE part of my life.
There is an expectation that I just need to get my job done right, most people rely on me to get my job done right to do their job right. Because of this dynamic, I feel the pressure. I need to do, do, do. I need to set everyone else up for success, not failure. That I forget that other people struggle in doing things, not just because I do a bad job on my end of the job.

I am very aware of my shortcomings. I think that messes with my view of the big picture sometimes. I know that I fail, I know that I don't do things well. I know that me doing poorly causes others to do things poorly. And I don't see all that is going on, just in how I am not doing things well. Or that I am the reason that I am not doing well.

Talking to Smash reminded me that not everything going on is connected to me. Which, duh, we all know that, but somehow we don't see that when we have things in front of us.
I didn't say this to Smash, but I think I have been on a quest this year to figure out if working at camp is good for me as a person. Though it is hard, I do love my job, it is my dream job. This is what I have worked to be at since college. My life is very easy, especially on days that I am not working. I have the freedom to be at home. To do whatever I want.

And though I do like that, is that the best for me?

California still scares me. I hate that I live here. I don't understand how this state operates, I don't like having to do anything with it because I don't understand it. Which is pretty terrible.  I really want to live in a state that doesn't intimidate me.

As you all know, I don't  have answers to these questions that I ask. I am not ready to make a rash decision, but I am indeed thinking about what I need to do next. What I need to do to make my life the life I want to live. I need to decide if that is really doing what I do at camp. (and it could be, these doubts may just here to pull me away from my dream life)