Prayer and Bible reading

Being a Christian is simple and complex all mixed in one. It's simple, love God, follow him, and love people. But to do that it seems like it suddenly gets complex. There's a list of things you need to do, list of things you can't do. And in that mix you can't become legalistic, overly charismatic, and your heart needs to be in the right place. 

In this simple/complex mess. I think I have developed my own complex with the Bible. I'm afraid to face it on my own. There are so many pastors, experts, wise people who can read the bible and get all of this great wisdom and insight out of it. And teach that knowledge in a very practical, life impacting way.

 I open up the book and read some words and often feel confused, wondering how long I have to read this, to still be a "good Christian" but not being "legalistic" in my faith. I don't always walk away confused, sometimes I get God in the reading his word. I see and remember his faithfulness. And that is good. 

But often, I doubt myself, I feel like I can't think on my own. Pastors see and help us get us on a right path of thinking that I feel I can't do on my own. So I don't even try. I just influence my life with podcasts and preachers that seem wise and good and replace them with personal Bible reading and prayer. 

No one recommends doing that. You always hear "be in the word" "spend time in the bible" "be a daily reader" "spend time in prayer"  never "simply listen to ppl, who read the bible and let their opinion of it change your life."

So, I have gone from kinda/sorta being a Bible reading/praying Christian to someone who doesn't have that in my life at all, but still wanting my actions and thoughts be glorifying to God.  

It's crazy how you get in this place. And I have been really struggling with this spot. 

On Sunday, I went out hiking and I decided enough is enough. And that I'm am becoming drown in my sin of disobedience and pride and that I needed to give up my okayness of being distant with God.

I decided that I want to focus 1 hour a day on prayer and reading the Bible this week. Which is hard. Really hard! It's now Thursday , and I don't think I have been 100% successful yet. But I want to personally be close to The Lord and though this is stretching me, it's good for me. I am learning in the process. 

My life hasn't radically changed, but I know it will if I continue to be vulnerable and willing to have God my focus.

Next thought: 

My feelings were really hurt yesterday. Today I learned that the person who hurt them feels bad in what they did and is going to come to me and apologize. My feelings were REALLY hurt, and honestly, I'm not ready to forgive. Because my act of forgiving excuses it, and they can come around and do the same thing to me next week. By definition of forgiving that isn't true. And I become a jerk if I don't accept the apology, so I have no choice. But it's hard. Really hard. 

Well I've committed to an hour, and haven't started yet, better get going and on it! Night y'all.  

Ugly emails

I have a really hard time taking two days off in a row at my job. It happened that was how my week was this week. So I was going to simply go in and work a half day today so that Friday didn't feel overwhelming by how much I became behind in my 2 day gap. I walk in and load my emails and I see 3 mean, dictating emails from a manager. Him being a jack-ass and telling me I need to move all of our guests mealtimes and that and that I'm doing all this crap wrong. I'm sorry, whose in charge of setting all of that up??  Oh yeah, it's me. And he didn't know or ask for the full details. He just was ugly about it. Selfish about it. 

I just took an intermission in writing this post to FB a guy who worked at a camp that has an opening. I haven't sent it yet. That doing that makes the reality of leaving here all the more possible. 

This is hard. I have a good boss here, a really good boss but there are so many things like this that suck and suck the life out of me. Do I need to or should I stay in this environment? 

Also, the guy that is auditioning to be my boss did well in handling a situation. So I think he might be going forward not backwards now in moving up. That really sucks. Maybe I should push send on that message!

First fight

My boss got really really mad at me today. It was the first time he has ever verbally told me that he was mad at me. First time we have had conflict. 

He was asking me if I would ever date a black guy, cause he knows a guy that would be good for me, but he's in Virginia. I responded "that's no problem, I can move to Virginia" well that was the first of a very ugly 10 minutes. He told me that he saw that that I have been looking at other jobs. He told me that he doesn't want me to leave. And he was HURT by my openness and willingness to go. I asked about the guy applying to be my boss. He told me he was really stupid in doing that, but doesn't know what he is going to do about him. I didn't say it directly tonight, but I implied that I will look for jobs if he is going to be my boss.  

Being an adult is hard. My boss has told me that I do a great job and doesn't want me to leave. We have a great working relationship. But as good as that is. I can't continue to do what I do in these current conditions. It's too much stress to not trust this almost key player in my job who doesn't know what he is doing and I think is going to intentionally hurt me a few months down the road. 

I just want to run away from that pain.. 

Stuck

I'm having one of those days where I really need to cry. I'm internally having a pity party, but this pity party doesn't make sense even to me. So it's stuck inside of me. Doing everything I can to stuff it so even I can't see it. And in the process of stuffing, I don't even know what "it" is. It sucks. 

A guy who I don't trust at all was given the opportunity to be in training for a office manager job at work. This has been really really hard for me. He is wanting to be my boss, has no idea what he is doing, so I have to train him. And I don't trust him at all. 

This has really really screwed me up. I am  SO stress by it. I don't feel like I know how to have him help me. He eats up so much of my treasure working time, and gives me this anxiety that has been eating away at me. 

One of my dear friends told me that I need to pray about it, and to ask God to change my heart, because he(my co-worker) isn't going to change. 

I don't think I can do that. I don't think I am willing to change how I feel. I don't want to give him things that I need to trust him, because he has burned me in the past.   I just want him out of my life. I realize my feelings are wrong. But they are so true. 

I've been looking at other jobs, and though there are some goods ones, I don't feel right or ready to apply for them.   Even though I'm all messed up, I don't think my time is up for where I am right now. That, or I'm too scared to move.. 

I need to work on my prayer life. Frankly I'm scared if prayer these days. I don't understand it necessary, I'm not open to being that open with God right now. I don't think I'm good enough to be one of those ppl who are really close to The Lord. 

I just feel stuck..., 

Okay, I just finished writing this and the last sentence I wrote struck me deep. I just finished a bible study that was called stuck by Jennie Allen. So I pulled it out, looked at the table of contents residing which chapter describes my stuck moment the best. 

I went with scared...

It was the right choice. I just looked through the chapter trying to find the life changing quite to add next to my line of photos. I didn't find one, nor should I think like that. But in looking over the chapter, I see I have two choices. To dwell on being scared and let it get out of control. Or be in faith and surrender it to The Lord. 

The obvious answer of course is number 2. But that seems too hard... Is it really that harmful to be stuffing this pain deep inside? Will it really spin out of control? Is there a 3rd option that is easy and brings emotional stableness? 

This last picture is what I saw hanging up on the chapel wall as I walked by after dinner tonight. It hit me hard. I had to go back and take a pic of it. Having my faith be bigger than my fears is huge! I wish that my fears didn't trump my faith right now.