Friday, December 16, 2016

Qualifying for the job

Applying for jobs is a "what-if" game, and it makes you oh so vulnerable. The last time that I played this game was this fall and as I went into the adventure, I felt really unsure, but it looked so great. So, as I moved forward, I became a top contender and was offered the job.  Then I turned it down.

I have never turned down a good job in my life. I don't even know if I have ever turned down a job. And the experience was something that I keeps coming up to my mind. 

I keep going into the land of "what-if" and keep thinking about, "who was in second place, who got the job?"

I researched it of course and not only found the person's facebook, but learned they overshare their lives by a blog that they keep (which is ideal when you are online stalking)

I don't even have my bachelor's degree completed, and I got the job offer over a person who has two master degrees and 10 years older than me.

That is crazy to me. Comforting somewhat, but I just feel so unqualified in every part of my life right now. I do have 6 years of direct experience in the field, and she hasn't, but I haven't been a student like her.

I work in a 3 person department right now, and one of the people in my department is leaving, which means there is going to be only 2 of us in my department, me and my manager. My feelings are so hurt by not getting to be involved in the process of replacing the third person in my department. I am going to have to work with this person the most, but I'm not involved, and I'm not being told anything about what is going on with it.

I feel like I have mixed parts of hurt and mad about it. I feel so unvalued, I feel like walking away. This makes me feel completely discontent with my job and makes me want to invest nothing in it.

I feel so out of place in life. And I feel like every moment of the day I feel it right now, and I'm just over it. I wish I could tell if it was the emotion of the week or if I need to get out of here.

Im done struggling. Yet, I keep being in this depressing place. Why in the world are they shutting me out? I am the freaking one who is going to work directly with this person every day, There are going to have to be in synch with me. Why. seriously, why.


No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.