Back and Forth, Up and Down

A lot has happened, but I haven't wanted to deal with it. So I have been online shopping. Watching TV, cleaning, anything from keeping me from the place of being real with things that are going on around me. 

I got a message back about that job close to my family. It sounded amazing; I filled out the application. I felt sick to my stomach because I knew that I needed to tell my boss that I was applying for a job before I submitted the application. I avoided it and avoided it and avoided it. After chickening out at the perfect moment and running out of time, I asked if I could meet with him tomorrow. 

I ended up driving my boss on a golf cart only 20 minutes after asking to meet with him. He asked me what we were meeting about, and if we could do it right now, I sheepishly replied, "I'm not ready" He then said, "are you leaving camp?" ---well---there's no avoiding it now. So as we drive through the middle of camp on the golf cart  talking about me leaving (thankfully no one was around and that our golf cart was loud, so we weren't overheard) 

I wasn't graceful with my words, I avoided eye contact. I cried even. It was a hard hard conversation. My boss was understanding. He was encouraging, he took our conversation like a champ--which is even harder to process. How can I be willing to walk away from this place that I love so much? How can I even think of saying goodbye to my boss and his family? How can I even think about working for someone else? 

This was going on in my head, later that night, I submitted my application--torned if I even want to go, yet I am so excited at the thought of living at the new camp. Near family, flat ground, stores within 15 minutes of my house, mini golf course within 5 minutes. It's in a small town on a big beautiful lake. 

My dream would be to snatch up my boss and family, move them to a camp right near my family in a setting just where this new camp is. I would love for it to be a little closer to my family than it is right now, and that an airport and amazing outlet center is closer to it. But really, it is pretty ideal. And now I am in a place of "do I want my dream, or do I want to stay where I am, over the dream--will it actually be my dream if I move there?"

Back and forth on this thought for weeks now, avoiding it, fearful of it. Scared when I have to process it. 

Last Wednesday night, I took a job skills assessment for the new job, and I did TERRIBLE.. I'm pretty sure I don't have a chance with the new job simply because of the assessment, which kills me. I feel like I have been knocked out of this job rank because I stupid, that I'm not good enough for it. 

SO here I am, low self-esteem, seeing a dream in mind and feeling like I'm not good enough to reach it and even unsure if I do want to reach it if I can. I'm a mess, trying to convince the world that nothing what-so-ever is going on.