Home bound

Things got better during my time at the rents! I am so thankful! I was able to see my favorite cousin. Go to the camp that I used to work at and reconnect with many dear friends and see the amazing improvements they have done to the place (it looks AMAZING!) 

This trip back to camp was good for me. They are a second family (i have many second families) and it was good to reconnect and see how much has changed since I was last there in my life. Some good, some not so good. But that is part of the process. I see that  I am putting my relationship with The Lord on the shelf.-- I can see it, it's on display, I can talk about it, and even think about it. But it's not active. It's not in the everyday part of my life. Sure it comes down a day here and there.  But I think it needs to be more like my jeans( or sweatpants) lived in, never making it to the shelf because its silly to put them away, because they are so apart of my life. 

This time away has made me miss ham a lot. The main thing I miss about him is how he made me think and view the world. He transformed my relationship with The Lord. He opened my eyes and help me see God way honestly.  I think I need him, or a new him like that in my life. ---suppose I need to get God off the shelf and surrender this with many other things to him. 

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I think as I was home longer, I made it clear that I was not okay with my dad treating me like dirt, and talking to me in really negative ways. I would walk away from conversations (only like twice, I'm not super brave) and tried to twist those negative conversations to something not trashing people. And it improved the situation greatly! That's really good!

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Right before my boss left for vacation at the beginning of December, he told me some things that I didn't quite understand until a good 5 days later. 

A guy I work with is trying to become my direct boss, in my department, and it is my role to train him on how the office works. That is fine expect that he SUCKS!! REALLY SUCKS!! He is on my list of 3 people who need to leave stat. I am mainly struggling with my current boss on this. I trust him, and I this in a way, breaks my trust in him.

 I don't understand what he is doing at all. This makes me distrust him, and I don't want that. This move doesn't make sense to me at all, I feel like he has the same or more issues with this guy than me. I have been looking for other jobs. If this decision is made to indeed have him be my boss, I really don't think I have any other choice but to leave. 

This is hard. I feel that until this move, things have been getting better and better, now this, dang, this sucks. It has been wreaking my insides for almost a month. And I don't think people can really understand my hurt in this. It's like a personal jab, that you only get. I kinda see this in movies, mean girls does this high school style, they compliment your shirt, but both people know they just jab you BIG TIME-- where outsiders think "what a nice compliment" and how do you explain their insult when it came in compliment words? It's kinda like that... 

Ps don't drink coffee on the morning that you fly, makes you pee way too much! 

Airport view!!!(from pick-up area) 

All those sappy Christmas song ain't how I'm feeling this season

I have been very much reminded this past week that I do not want to be like my family. Very specifically, my dad.  I am having a REALLY hard time being here. And it's because I am surrounded by values and mindsets that I don't agree with nor want to be like. 

As you are at my parents physical house you can see it two ways. 

Way #1: a beautiful country house sat off the road with 2 residences and large workshop. The main house is filled with festive north woods items, and has a view of a lake from main level of the house. 

Way#2: out in the middle of nowhere, you will pull into a driveway with crap in the yard. Like a junkyard. There's a large shop surrounded by boat/truck pieces. In the house down the way. You will find some areas of nice laid out furniture and spaces, but also feel like you are in an episode of hoarders. Tiny TVs, that don't  all quite work right in the house, but thankfully have dish connected. You have to ask where everything came from because everything has a story attached. 

The reality of the second way of describing this house is sinking in. But when I'm away, and the longer i am away I remember it more like situation 1. 

I also do this when remembering what it is like being with my dad. I consistently remember him as being rough around the edges, and stuck in his ways. But i forget how those quirks effects me in strong ways. 

I really do not want my life to end up my my parents. You can twist their life to make it sound good. But in reality it is nothing that what I want it to be. Nor do I want the same values, bull headedness and viewpoint that he lives out. 

My dad is an "expert" in everything. And has a story for everything. And in listening to his expertize and stories, closely this week, i am reminded and see his core values come out.

--He is all about bullying, in his stories, the bullies are turned to be a good guy, a real "mans man" but they get whatever the hell the want by bullying. And not only  does he admire bullies, he bullies alot himself, and is dang proud of it. 

--He must have control of all situations and he is the expert. I have learned that you NEVER argue with the crap he says. You can't win, he is a bully, and has learned how to shut you down into an empty pit. Even if you have great logic or proof, he isn't open to hear, his need for control and bully tendencies makes it impossible.

-- as most bullies, once you pull away the tough shell, you have a really insecure guy. If anyone fights with him and they have the upper hand, or offend him in some way. They are blacklisted! Their name is now rubbed in the dirt. There can be no forgiveness. You are just done. It's sad.  And I think this makes it so my relationship with my parents is so fake. 

--I have kinda said this already, but my dad has this thing for menly men. And I typically see these men that he admires as so as huge jackasses! And, not only do these jackasses get gloried, normal nice men get torn to pieces. And [gasp] men who are from a real city, have no hope. They are forever the inferior being. If you work in business, make big bucks and support and spend time with your friends/family, but call a plumber to do a home repair--- you are a pansy of male race. Doesn't matter what you face and deal with in life. They are forever a pansy in my dads eyes. I think that is incredibly unfair. 

I knew coming into this time at my parents would eventually be hard. All Christmas memories of my adult life with them have tears and frustration and being miserable memories tied into them.  But this time, I have more of a clear head, and good stable adults that support me and love me that are daily in my life. And I am seeing that I carry more issues than I realize into the real world with me. That being raised in the house that I have paralyzed me in some areas of my life. 

I see this at work a lot. I need to have an opinion at work, and go with it. I rarely got to think for myself growing up. I got to make my own decisions. But before I made them-the big ones, I felt I needed my dads approval. He would help me out if I needed it in my battles (and always win, b/c I see now, he is a bully) I am now afraid to make any move without approval. There are other things as well. And I don't want to play the blame game here. That's not fair. But I think I need to keep looking and figuring out my issues and change them. Because in no way do I want to stop at any point in my life, look back and say"my life now looks like my upbringing"

so I have never wanted a guy I'm interested to ask my dad for my hand in marriage. The reason being is that I truly do not want him to approve of him, and that he is nothing like him. I DO NOT WANT to marry a jackass. And if that is what my parents look for as a good quality, I want them to disapprove big time. 

This in a way seem mean of me to publish, but I think it will be a start of my healing. So world, here you go... My first published personal issue discovery! 

Let the recovery began! 

Fly away...

Here I am sitting on an airplane about to return to the homeland of Minnesota for the first time since I left a year and 3 months ago. 

I am excited to see my mom. I'm excited to be part of the life that used to be mine. I always romanticize home in my head when I have been away for a long time. I don't really know how to process the thought" it's not going to be as good as I want" but I really think it will be good. I am preparing myself by reading "the single women" by Mandy hale. One of the hardest parts of home is always being reminded that its just me. So son-in-law for my parents, no grand kids. Just me. I am thankful that has gotten easier, but it's not that easy. I am realizing that it's not just me and a handful of friends who are in this life stage. But that there is a whole world filled with us. Upper-twenties, focused,career driven, feel like an outcast because we are missing a shiny piece of metal wrapped around our forth finger on our left hand. 

I am really thankful for Katie and Jack this Christmas season. I think they are Gods gift to me for this season of my life. I am able to be real with them. I am able to have companionship, a safety net. They always welcome me down the hill with them. Making it so I don't have to go to church, stores, restaurants  alone. I hate being alone. 

Well here are my thoughts for the day. Pray that this trip will be good!

Thanksgiving fun and bonus story

So today I read "stuff Christians like-Christmas singles edition today" I read these, but not one to comment on it. I not only wrote my own story but commented on 3 others posts. Then I found a link to this AMAZING blog, singlechristiangirls.wordpress.com which is an incredible blog, way better than mine, you should actually read hers. 

Anyway, reading all of these single girls stories made me realize I haven't shared all of mine and that ready just what I have wrote recently, you don't get the correct picture at all. So sit back and relax here my late November stories. 

So a week prior to thanksgiving, a guy friend(coworker) of mine asked if I was going anywhere for thanksgiving, I wasn't. And he invited me to go with him to one of the families that had adopted him in SD. So the tues before, he tells me that none of the people he normally does thanksgiving with invited him(us) but that we can go to downtown San Diego and do our own thing, just us. 

Now, this is the guy that EVERYONE that knows both of us, is trying to set us up. Whenever we walk anywhere together, speak to each, are in the same room, you know that people are noting that and talking about it, updating their bets on when we are going to get married. 

To me, this is a nice guy I know, that I like to spend time with because he reminds me that you can be in your upper-20s single, and NORMAL! (As you all know, I don't see much of that in my neck of the woods.

So, thanksgiving is going to be a date. Okay, that's fun, I'm nervous.

my friends Katie and jack are the hub of my social life. I pretty much hang out with them every night at their house. They were out of town, and I'm cat sitting for them. I head over to there house Wednesday night to take care of their cats, and Alberto is on the couch at their house watching Greys anatomy. So, this guy that I think I have a date with the next day with, and never hang out just us, are in our friends house together, alone. I am completely uncomfortable, I don't really know how to act around this guy. So I sit on the couch and talk Greys with him. After an episode or two, we pause the show, and talk for like an hour about his life-upbringing, theories of things, how he sees God, etc.. It was good, real, but later I kept thinking" what will be talk about tomorrow?"

 so, if you knew me 3 years ago, I was the girl who always was trying to figure out how to snuggle up with any kinda-cute guy on the couch when the tv was on, didn't have to like him, I just wanted to snuggle.. and was good at getting my way! Though my heart is still the same, I stayed on the opposite end of the couch (it's a huge sectional) and didn't push that on him at all, be proud. I sure am! 

Thanksgiving Day: 

Incredible! It was bachelor date quality! Super fun, adventurous, a little awkward cause we don't date each other, and never done anything like this, and overall I'm just terrible at being comfortable on dates.  

Thanksgiving is def the day to go downtown because everything is quiet, empty but everyone you encounter is happy because its a holiday, and you don't hang out down town normally on this day. 

We park on the empty streets and walk around. Seeing what/where we want to go. I love walking and talking. I wish you could list that as your favorite hobby, because it's so easy and fun! We end up at this bar/ restaurant, we eat, talk watch football. 

We finish, I really wanted to see the boats. We walk and see them. I REALLY love boats and was kinda over the top excited, and he let me look at all of them. 

There is some famous aircraft carrier that was turned into a museum that I guess everyone knows about and it's really a patriotic symbol, I have no idea what it was and mocked it. Alberto really loved making fun of me for my insensitivity and lack of knowledge on American history.

We returned back to downtown, went to a bar, he had a drink, and watched the football game. How our table was, I sat close to him on his side. It was pretty darn perfect because it let us comfortably talk to each other without a whole table between us or being shoulder to shoulder.---- By now conversation is more natural for us, we are laughing more, we leave small talk, and start to be more real. He tells me what he is passionate about. I get to see the depth of his heart, how he sees the best in ppl, and how he intentional works with them. I see wisdom that I didn't know was there. 

It is dusk, and it is time to go! We get in the truck and drive across this huge bridge to another part of SD, he timed this out perfectly!! The sunset/city lights were epic! One of the prettiest things I have seen in my life (just like bachelorettes get in the tv show) we went to his favorite beach just as it gets dark, the waves were perfect they had this great roar to them as they came in. I had never been to the beach at night. There was a sand castle professionally made in the sand. I was in awe. Alberto showed me where things were.---- Even now,I can close my eyes and see everything just as it was--

Alberto LOVES sushi, so he then took me to this awesome hole-in-the-wall sushi place where he greets the owners with hugs because he goes there so often, and orders us sushi, tons of different kinds, he told me that I had to eat it with my hands and that I can't use my fork, it was great. This place didn't have football on, he was beside himself, which let me make fun of him. We went back home. Just talked. 

So we didn't hold hands,or kiss, or anything, which I am good with. 

We are with each other often, and I don't think I could ever seriously date him if I wasn't confident that we would end in marriage by how much our lives intercept. I'm glad we had this date, but really thankful it was just a date, not the set beginning of this serious relationship. 

So this whole thanksgiving thing happened, then my previous post on my work evaluation happened. Then it was Tuesday night after thanksgiving.

 I was still a mess, an even bigger mess than before. I went over to Katie's and jacks to take care of the cats, and to cry and call one of my friends to help me figure out what is wrong with me. Well Alberto is there again...Watching chuck, I haven't talked really for a full day now, I sit on the couch, he watches chuck, I start texting my best friend who really is good at helping you see what is ACTUALLY bugging you. So I am texting away, and with 5 minutes left of chuck I figure out what my issue is. (Thank goodness for friends who know how to make you process) so the episode ends, I look up at Alberto, and say, "I haven't been okay since yesterday afternoon, and I now know what has been bothering me so much!" And I was able to tell him that I have issues in telling people what to do when they don't want to do it.

 He really helped me processed that, and we had this incredible conversation, after me not talking for 2 days(we were together for most of that time) 

Anyway, he went out with some other girl last weekend. I am good with that. It takes pressure off of us for me if he is dating someone else.

 Thanks for reading my LONG story, it's so good for me to process and share these things going on in my life! 

Below: pic from thanksgiving from our boat walk, the only picture I took the entire day. 

Easier route needed?

I am so scared of life. Today I had my annual review at work. I got promoted, you would think I would be celebrating, but instead, I am really scared. It doesn't make sense. I am doing exactly the same thing as before. But I can't handle it. I messed up today. I feel intense pressure to all of a sudden be absolutely incredible. I feel sick and have felt this way for days. I don't think I will do a good job. I don't think I have it in me to stand up and do what needs to be down. 

Part of me wishes right now I took the easy road. Stayed near my parents, all my family and work a simply job where there was no pressure where, I have no authority, I simply do what I am told.

 I have lots of tension, I can physically feel it in my body. My face, calves, and feet ache by holding in all this tension. I lost my appetite, food has tasted sour to be for a few days now. I think the stress of my job, my anger towards ppl in my professional life and the fact that I went on a date with a guy I work with on thanksgiving and don't know how I feel about it or him is really wearing on my body. I'm a mess. I'm often a mess. How did I end up here. My boss told me today, that I need to really be in-tune with the Holy Spirit to do well with my job. That a lot of what I do is dependent on Him and rely on his workings.

 I think I might be depressed. Like true depressed. I don't understand any of my feelings. Does anyone else struggle in this? How does one become a real adult? Why am i all alone in this? 

I really want a hug right now, a tight one that doesn't let go and let's all the tears I have been holding in, come out and soak their shirt. And in the midst of that,hug me tighter. And be there for me as I am this crazy messed-up person.