Ending 2014, starting 2015, cheers🍸

In a couple of hours, we will be ending 2014 and starting 2015. I am so hopeful for 2015.

 I have great goals for my job. I have created this amazing calendar in excel that shows me exactly where I am with income and capacity. (I didn't have this in 2014 and it frequently caused me stress) I am excited for many of our camps, both the returning ones and brand new groups. I am excited about being in year three at the same job, my boss told me he wasn't planning on making any big changes to camp until his third year which we are now entering. 

The Lord has made it clear that I am being prepared for something to come and I excited to see what that is, and it may come this next year, maybe in March. 

I'm excited to grow in my relationship with the Lord. I'm excited to dig into the devotional books I got for Christmas and see what I am going to learn in them. What I am going to learn by the Bible, prayer and experiences this upcoming year. 

I enjoyed 2014. It's sad to see it go, but glad to bring in 2015. So cheers to you 2015🍸/🍸(glasses clink noises--ting,ting) 

Thoughts on salvation

Since that awkward event I went to last week at my parents church, I have been thinking a lot about salvation and what it means to be saved. They showed a video in the middle of that awkward event where they explained that salvation is knowing God. They made it really simple-to be saved we need to know God. 

Is that true?

Can we make salvation that simple? 

Is it fair to have us make it that simple, are we tricking unbelievers if/when we do that? 

I have honestly been wrestling with these questions for a long time. I understand that Jesus died for our sins. That he atones (covers) our debt, so that we may have life- and have it to the full. But, how do we get our debt covered? 

The natural answer that comes to me is: we ask Jesus to forgive us of our sins and that we turn our life over to him we allow him to be the driver of our life, instead of taking our own path. 

Which seems to be true. But this isn't the full and best answer, this isn't what everyone says to that question. 

Like I said, I have been thinking about his a lot, and tonight I read John 8 and these keys about salvation stood out to me:

•we must believe (John 8:23)

•we must follow Him (John 8:12)

•we must hold to Jesus's teachings (John 8:31) 

John 8:34 says it the clearest about salvation: 

It's clear, a slave has no place in the family, but a son belongs in it forever. But how do we actually become sons? And what all is being referenced by the the next line,"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed"

Is this referring to Jesus's death and resurrection?

Is this us seeking salvation from Jesus?

Is it referring to V. 31-32 and telling us to be free we need to hold to Jesus's teaching? 

Is it all of them in one answer? 

I don't have the answer. I haven't looked at Romans for this specific answer, I need to. That book talks about salvation a lot, I haven't even looked at the verses that address adaption and what it looks like to be adapted yet. 

I think often, we want to make it appear and convince to people that following God is simple, easy. But, I find that not to be true. And more than just letting our sin nature take over us hard. But understanding it all. Salvation is hard for me to understand. Jesus's words are hard for me to get the value from. Seeing the Bible as a whole and in the details is also confusing. Having a situation at work, and figuring out what next steps is right, the godly choice, is also hard. 

God didn't give us step by step guide to life via the Bible. He doesn't make everything cyrstal clear for us. He doesn't let me memorize the steps and give me the ability to "up-one" everyone else in the "Christian race" 

But instead I have questions and confusion and a drive to dig in and learn, and gives me opportunities to talk to other believers on these things I'm thinking about. It gives me something to talk about God about and a way for me to faithfully follow. 

Day to day with no Skip...

 Things in my life have been going really well. I am content. I like where I live and having a roommate I enjoy living with. I like my job and how things are going well there. I love my church and the people who I have met there. 

And though everything is going right and life at this present moment is very easy and good. I know that my life isn't settled until Skip is in it. 

In almost any quiet moment I have, I think of him and how everything would be different if he was there, if he was actively a part of my life. I would most likely be missing out on what was going on in front of me right now, and instead be experiencing something completely different. 

Life as I know it: living in America, consistency, comfortable, familiar, and at camp; may disappear when we are married. I think though, having my life radically changing will be easy, because the Lord has now taken years to prepare me for this, and still is preparing me now for it. 

Doing things that are 100% in the Lord's will,oddly doesn't seem hard,it seems so right. I have this surreal sense of confidence, as I KNOW I'm doing things the way of my father instead of my selfish ways.   

As I write this, I have so many Mandy Hale quotes going through my head, I am thankful for her blog and encouragement that she gives through it. I am thankful in knowing that I'm not waiting for my "other half" to become a whole. But that I am be a whole person who wants to share all of me. --- or something like that. 

Skip is on my heart and mind a lot. But I'm not obsessed or anxious over him right now, just excited to see how our story is going to be; hopefully waiting and very curious of how God's plan mixed with our sinful nature is going to produce the end result He has already promised. 

And how the start (first year) of our relationship is going to look-- once I get past the epic Disney movie closing scene that I am sure we will experience. I am positive we are going to have oh so many awkward and funny moments. 

Classic church Christmas

This is my scene from the christmas program at my parents church today. I just can't get over that this church is so classic and picturesque. I feel like I traveled back 40-50 years each time I am there. It was pretty cute. 

Great day

It's been a great day!

I went and saw Annie:

IT'S AMAZING! One of the best movies I have seen. If you haven't seen it, you should. Also, movie tickets are about half the price by my parents than they are in California. 

I feel like stores give away all of their stuff here, you should of seen me at the grocery store. I was blown away how cheap everything is!

I then decorated these cupcakes. Cute right. I like them! 

After supper, I went to a "rock concert" at my parents church building that kinda looks like this. So incredibly awkward. It was terribly uncomfortable. The three band members were so nervous and so wanted to be big stars. They had so much energy and the audience had none. They did a sermon in the middle of their set.So many things in his sermon were theology wrong, but I think the speaker didnt believe wrong things, he just got them all jumbled up with his nerves and it came out wrong. It was one of those great terrible things- oh small towns!

Played wizard with my parents once we got home. Lost terribly but still fun. 

I am so glad that things have changed and that I can now be more real and have fun with my parents. I thinkthey are     changing more than I. But it could be the just the the opposite. Hope I continue to enjoy my time here, I have 15 more days. 

Speaking

My roommate left, and I spent 3-4 evenings home  by myself feeling half content, half lonely. By day 5 I needed a friend, so I insisted that the guy who always comes over come over and hang out with me. We somehow started to get into these huge and heated debates about very non-important things, things like gap years, bible college and if it's okay to fund raise for it, the poor and lazyness. I think this is the first time I realized HOW DIFFERENT we are, and how open we are in our views.  We are really comfortable with each other which means we are real real with each other which means we often bring out the ugly in each other. It's good though, that it doesn't have a long term effect on us. 

It's fun for me to be friends with this random guy and not feel like our relationship may end up in marriage. If fact I love knowing that it won't. I don't have this pressure to change out of my sweatpants when he comes,  or have to have perfect make-up. Because I don't need to impress or woo him. 

I'm at the airport right now. About to fly to my parents house. It seems like I should be overly excited, reflective or just have more emotions about it. But I'm very " what ev"About it,Very funny. 

Cutting idols is harder than cutting Santa Claus out of your life

I have been really into christmas this year, movies, crafts, decorating,kids Sunday school. And in the midst of it I saw a mom's blog on Santa Claus and how mom's should deal with it. I maybe read half a paragraph, but in that paragraph it compared Santa Claus to an idol. And in thinking about it. I think Santa Claus is an idol to us. 

Think about it: 

We become "good" for him. We decorate, write and sing song about him (worship) offer him gifts(milk and cookies) and consume our entire lives around him in the month of December. 

Yes, adults don't actually think this fictional man comes around and deliver us gifts. I don't know if Old Testament people really believed in their gods either, but that it was fun and easy to believe in them, even though it wasn't the most logical. 

believing in Santa is fun, so we pretend that we do. Believing in Santa makes things magical so we participate. Santa is always ACTUALLY real in hallmark movies, so as much as we know he is not, I think a huge part of our population wishes he actually was real. 

And why wouldn't we? Santa is all about serving me. He comes and makes me happy, he gives me the gifts I wanted, and makes my wishes come true. 

Now lots of people, both christians and non-christians, would have issues with taking Santa out of christmas. "He is so fun" "don't deprive your kids from a childhood" "there's nothing wrong in believing in Santa" is common talk.

 I think about my Old Testament Israelite friends and how I so quickly judge them on getting back into the habit of worshiping idols. I don't have Baal in my backyard or know anyone who does, it seems so easy to cut it from my life because I don't live with it. 

But what if I had to cut Santa out of my life? I would have to cut myself off of TV, the radio, facebook, the mall, grocery stores, school, probley even church if I was going to seriously remove Santa from my life. I would be hermit with no real-time entertainment and have to highly sensor the old things I had. Think about the social tabooness that would follow me around. How hard it would be for people to be my friend and think I am a normal person. Think if you had to live in that 24/7. 

We can easy see the flaws of Santa, we buy the gifts Santa gives, and just give him the credit. As adults, we often talk about how he is fake, it is widely accepted. But what if everyone believed he was real as much as we believe he was fake? Would that change and effect how we see Santa as real? Would we start to believe he actually does all these things as a 3 year old does? 

In thinking through this make you understand just a tad how those silly idols was actually huge stumbling blocks to get over and why so many times they weren't able to? 

Christmas crafts and cinema

A while ago my roommate saw on Pinterest that you can use puff paint to make window clings. We made those tonight while we watched "Christmas in Connecticut" both super great. Here are our creations before we remove them from the paper and put them on our windows, hoping they don't fall apart   

Lead a women's Bible study?

I was asked to be a co-leader in the women's bible study I have been attending for the last year. It's really, a small decision, yet, I am having a hard time making it. I really do not want to leave my small group. I love it. I really see myself as weak in leading groups. I'm kinda terrible at it. But, I was asked. It can be a way for me to meet and know more people. It can be a really great time of growth in my life. I haven't really prayed about it, I need to. I feel like coming to this place and blogging about what is going on is a great place where God speaks to me. Where He makes what I need to do known. But, I don't hear that voice right now. My overall feeling is indifferent. I think I should lead, it seems like the right thing to do. But will I be heartbroken if I do? Maybe I'll email The actual leader about my insecurities and concerns. 

Boy's Town

Have you even seen this movie? I haven't even heard of it until yesterday, watched it tonight, and am blown-away! 

It's a black & white movie that tells the story of a priest who believes that there is no bad boy and starts this amazing home for the homeless youth and made the youth residences living there the care keepers, the owners of the property. They elected an mayor, grew their own food, had their own barber, printed their own magazines, and washed their own clothes. 

Well, this seems incredible to me! The town is still around, they do things differently now. They place kids in families groups, each group 6-8 kids to 2 adults (a couple) instead of having one huge dorm with massive amounts of kids governing  themselves. They have "boys town" cities all across the U.S. now, not just in this town outside of Omaha as well. 

Anyway, this excites me. I would love to be apart of this, or something like this. I have for a long time, but didn't know they really existed. I wonder and hope that something like this will be in me and Skip's future someday! 

Check out this movie! It's so good! 

Seeking sorrows

I was reading an article in Relevent magazine today, and that article it reference this verse.

 The first line really stuck a cord with me. The sorrows of those who chase after gods will increase. 

I am a very "woe is me" person. I often feel like I'm stuck in this horrible pit instead of seeing the blessings that are around me. But in reading this passage it goes on to say that God has assigned us a part-our portion our cup. And that we don't need to search and go after these big things, instead we to find the thing that the Lord has given us.

I have a sister-in-law who has had a really rough life and it has gotten increasing tougher recently with poor decisions she is making. She decided to file for divorce, to start dating this guy who was trouble before her divorce was finalized. Her boyfriend got banned from the property she lives at, and she broke up with him at the request of my parents after he was found making meth in the back storage room attached to her house. He then, tried to attempt suicide, since she broke up with him. 

After this whole mess, she realized her bad decisions, didn't want to raise her kids in a broken home and tried to redeem her relationship with her husband 2 weeks before their divorce becomes official. (He is done and doesn't want to reconcile the relationship) Her facebook feed becomes all of these posts talking about how hard her life is, how she needs her friends to support her, how God is at her side. 

I wrestled with that statement "God is at your side" how does that work? She is messing up her life, she is making decisions that are clearly not what He wants, by all appearances she is not submitting to His will. Yet, she accepted God as her savior, she has aimed to follow him with her whole life in the past. But is God at her side right now? I have been thinking about this for almost a week right now. And my conclusion is "no, He is not, not until you fully surrender all the crap that is going on in your life to Him and began to fully do it His way."

Her story doesn't end there, on Thanksgiving, her ex-boyfriends calls her. he has made a full recovery from his attempted suicide and wants to hang out. Everyone in her life tells her to stay away from him, he is trouble, but she goes anyway.  About 16 hours later my mom gets a phone call. My sister-in-law is now in jail- arrested for robbery, possion of drugs and concealing a pistol in her car. 

She asked my mom what to do. My mom said "pray pray pray! I have never been in your situation, I have no idea what you should outside of praying" 

The story of my sister-in-law keeps reminding me of the story prostitute in the bible who keeps running away from her husband and he keeps taking her back, sometimes even when she didn't want to go. I hope that is how her story goes. I hope she sees how her actions are disobedience and seeks the Lord to redeem her. I hope I do the same with the little things in my life and that I will be able to stay away from such giant steps of disobedience and painful consequences for that disobedience. 

Give thanks

Today is thanksgiving and my roommate and I hosted a small get-together at our house. This morning was fun! We were cooking and cleaning. She is really really good at cooking, I can survive (kinda) in the kitchen. So I love to cook and bake with her, I learn a ton, she is fun to work with and it is overall really enjoyable. 

We had 3 people come over, the guy with is always at our house and another couple from camp. Our food tasted amazing, but our meal was so quiet, awkward, it was very surfacely. Then everyone left and I was home alone. 

It's strange. I didn't really know how to handle today. I don't really know my place. I really want to be a person that celebrates holidays and celebrates them well. In singleness, I think holidays are the hardest to do. I am at a place where I can't have it my way, but just trying to survive through them. 

2009 journal throwback-- begging prayer

When I was in college. I wanted to be one of those cute girls that had this really significant notebook where I had all of these great notes and thoughts and I could always go back to it and see how big and significant my life was becoming and how I was this great Christian-- like my camp counselor growing up. And have this book. 

Here is that book! I wrote everything in it. I always used my best hand writing, I was faithful to carry my book with me where ever I went, so that I could record and keep note all that was happening. 

My first year out of college, I had this job that was really great for me at a dog grooming salon. It was great except that I hate dogs. With my job, I barely had to interact with dogs, non-the-less, I was surrounded by them. 

In pulling out this notebook today I found this neon pink piece of paper tucked into it. It was from a sale flyer from that job. 

It's really hard to read. But it is a prayer of me begging BEGGING God to give me a job as a financial planner assistant. I don't even remember applying for this job now.

I wonder what I thought when I didn't get the job (or even an interview) 

I kinda sorta had a straight head back then. I heard all of these success stories of people who didn't know what they were doing when they started out, and look at them now, 3-20 years later, so put together they are able to give others advice on life. So I knew there was hope... But I kept on thinking "there must be some people who didn't make it through this hard time, we don't hear those stories... am I going to become one of the silent life failures?!?"

At the time, I wanted something good and stable. I wanted to see that I wasn't going to end up a mess. I still want that. But what would I missed out on if I jumped the gun and got and took that job? How much different would my life be? 

If you have read more than 20 of my posts, you know I'm not in the promise land right now. I have interviewed for other jobs, I have thought about storming  out and quitting. I get really angry some days about my situation. 

But this neon pink letter reminds me that I need to be faithful to God. That he has other things in store for me and will not always give me my immediate will. In fact, some times, I think he protects us from our immediate will and insteads sets-us-up to do His instead. 

Note: the most significant thing in that notebook, didn't meet my rules, it was on scratch paper in my rushed gross handwriting. I'm glad I kept that even though it broke my rules

God is always the same, I am changing

I love how I am experiencing this transition of seeing my relationship with The Lord from being very unique, foreign, such a way that no one will understands to seeing that it is exactly how The Lord works. 

I used to think I had to be very charismatic to understand and make sense of our relationship. But lots of things within being charismatic didn't sit right with me. 

But now I am starting to understand and see and hear from "non-charismatic" real Christians about their relationship with The Lord and their experiences are lining up and similar to the things He is doing in my life. 

This is a quote from "Living a Praying Life"  (page 166) 

Immediately I had 4 separate situations were I heard God whisper me the start of the plan. Hearing the first two whispers was hard, I didn't know what to do-I was kinda a mess for a long time. But the last whisper? I took 12 hours to process it, cried a little that I wasn't able to pursue my will and took the appropriate actions to be obedient in it. Leaven though, I wanted what I wanted, I knew that God's way was the right way, and the path I wanted to be on. 

I don't know about you, but it is incredible to see how much God is changing and shaping me by this blog, I wouldn't of thought it would ever be this much. 

God is big.  

Sunday in the office

I love working Sunday's at work, it's like a paid vacation most weeks. Today, like most Sundays, I get to sit at my desk in my comfy chair and listen to church with a huge workspace in front of me, and the option to push pause whenever I need to stop and reflect on what is being said. 

It's seriously the best way to do church! 

Brussel sprouts

On Wednesday, we were having a conversation about what we wanted to eat at our thanksgiving feast. The conversation of Brussel sprouts came up. I have only had them once in my life, they were really really gross, but it was at a camp where all the food was really gross. 

They got from cut fromour menu.  

The next day I was at Trader Joe's and I saw this:

I just had to get it, it's huge!!! And a little scary.

We made it last night:

And while they were baking I had this text conversation with the boy who always comes over: 

He forgot that he was bringing us dinner. We invited our boss to come and eat Brussel sprouts with us... And he came. It was great. 

Anyway here is how we made Brussel sprouts (it's the most generic recipe ever, 4 people told me this is how you make them) 

Step 1: preheat oven to 400

Step 2: cut off Brussel sprouts from steam with knife and wash with water 

Step 3: line 9x13 pan with tin foil and put a oil olive oil on foil

Step 4: put in Brussel sprouts (cut big ones in half) cover in salt and pepper and more olive oil, mix with hands keep sprouts evenly spread out in pan 

Step 5: put in oven for 25-30 minutes

Hurt feelings

My feelings are really hurt right now-- I'm pissed in the midst of it. 

Things go to hell when my boss isn't around, he is at the dentist today-- life seems like hell. 

We have a retreat group that comes up 3 weeks apart, they do the exact same retreat each time, just with different kids. They wanted to have a fire in a trash can 3 weeks ago- they worked, we had it all set-up for them. Well it rained, they ended up not having the fire in the trash can.

This week rolls around, all of a sudden we can't do a fire in a trash can. And the group didn't do it last time (mind you-because it rained, no  reason on our end) 

Today in our weekly meeting that we had without my boss our maintence director spat at having that fire there and made it sound like it was never okay and said he wouldn't do it and was such a jack-ass about it. It doesn't make sense, and we can't just change that for no good reason. 

Then he yelled at me for not having meals on the detail sheet---

I just called my boss, I cried a lot in our conversation, and embarrassing amount of crying while I explained all of this to him. My chest even turned bright red and splotchy from crying. I really need to leave my house and go back to work, but I look pathetic, and I can burst into tears at any given second. 

 

I just asked jack and Katie to pray for me,  if you see this now, can you as well. 

I hate being sensitive!! 

Dairy-free calzones

Last night I threw together dinner for me, my roommate and that guy who always hangs out with us. I really loved how our meal turned out and wanted to share it with you (I didn't take a picture, I am mad about that) 

Ingredients: (feeds 3) 

•Trader Jo's herb pizza dough  

•1 onion

• Italian seasoning

• garlic powder

• 7 mushrooms

• 2 zucchini 

• 2 links of Italian sausage

• 2 tomatoes 

• 1/4 cup of cooked brown rice

Step 1: 

Preheat oven to 400 degrees, and set out dough on counter to rise

Step 2:

Dice onion and sauté in olive oil, cover with garlic powder and Italian seasoning, once it is mostly sauté add chopped mushrooms and zucchini pieces

Step 3:

In separate pan remove sausage from casings and brown in pan

Step 4:

Dice tomatoes 

Step 5:

Separate dough into 3 pieces, on a large greased pan roll out each dough one and a time and add rice, tomatoes, meat and sautéed vegetables to center of dough, fold dough over the top and repeat for the remaining 2 dough balls 

Step 6:

Bake for 16 minutes, or until golden dough is ready 

Faith VS belief

I have never thought much about the differences between faith and belief. My homework this week in "living a praying life" is all about that and in this thinking I am getting clarity on concepts that I haven't allowed myself to think about before because it was too hard for me to handle. 

We can believe in silly things-- believing in them doesn't make them true. We believe in Santa Clause, that he comes and deliveries us toys in the night, but it's not true--it's our parents giving us anonymous gifts from "Santa"-- we believe in prayer-- and we believe if we pray hard and earnestly that God will answer our prayers; we will get that job, be healed from cancer, we will have whatever were prayed for.

 This morning I realized though, when we do this, we are not having faith in God when-we-believe-that-God will answer our-prayers-our-way, instead we believe  we are entitled to what we are asking because we believe in this "earnestly praying" system. 

Having faith in God, is just that-faith in God. He hears all our prayers, he sees us believing in him and he also sees us believing in ourselves or this "earnestly praying" system we created ourselves. 

He sees us get mad at Him when he doesn't mold Himself into the God that we wanted. He sees us doubt Him when he doesn't grant us all our wishes. He sees us miss the whole point of having a relationship with Him. 

It's not about what we get or have, it's just about GOD. We have faith in God and we need to believe in Him, nothing else.

Good morning world!

In my current life, I have very very few days where I stay home the entire day. But today is rare, I'm staying home! 

Here I am, sitting in my new pj pants that are both really cute and a little over the top. Sitting outside, about to read my Bible. 

I just finished by egg bagel sandwich with goat cheese, which I of course ate while watching "a different world" on youtube after sleeping in until 9:30am. 

It is a great lazy day! 

A quick summary of where these waves have brought me...so far

I have been thinking a lot about my story lately and where I have been, where I am going, and that there is so much significance on this journey of traveling from point A to point B. 

In June 2011, I was sitting on top of a Zipline crying my eyes out, asking God why I was at this camp that I hated, what to do with all these 20 year olds who had really messed up views of who God is and teaches kids their messed up ways and God responds with, "you are going to marry Skip"-- very off subject, has nothing to do with anything of the issues that was in front of me. It was clearly God's voice, it was his perfect timing. He spoke this truth to me in the manner that I have so far heard best from him. 

I was young in 2011, it wasn't that far away from a time when Skip was actually apart of my life. We saw each other on a very regular basis in 2009, we skyped some in 2010. We were friends. 

Time went by, I held on to that promise that God clearly told me on that Zipline. I didn't know how to handle it, it was true, but how do I live and work and be apart of that truth in everyday life? When I read great stories in the Bible about waiting in faith, they fly by the waiting part so fast. What does it actually look like to wait? 

Praying for Skip and this was tough, I already knew what God was doing, I knew that us coming together is completely impossible without The Lord and that HE was going to make it be. So what do you say? What do you say everyday? I felt like I was just coming to The Lord with fluff, I felt like there was no reason to pray, God already told me the plan I just needed to wait for it to happen

I really felt different because God spoke to me. I felt like I was becoming this very charismatic person. I felt like no one would understand me if I told them what God said to me. I left like people would say I'm wrong, and that God wouldn't do that and make me question even more than I already was. 

Time went on and on... Skip didn't come into my life, in fact, he was leaving my life. We no longer talked, he was dating a girl, going out and doing all these fabulous things in his life. 

Time goes on, and almost to the two year mark on waiting for The Lord in this, I start to rethink my ways. Now let's quick talk about 2 years. It's actually a really really long time. Freshman become juniors in two years, you experience over 700 days in that span.

I went from summer staff, to being in leadership at this camp, working new retreats, building relationships, volunteering at a youth group, overcoming working with a guy I daily thought about murdering. Then summer came. Most days I worked from7:00am-10:00pm, the stress and intensity of my job was straining, yet amazing, and admidst this chaos, I needed to figure out what was next, my job ended mid-August. After a huge journey, I ended up here, on top of a mountain in California, working at a camp that had more problems than I knew what to do with. This paragraph seems like it goes on forever, and it is only some of the highlights I went through in that two years. Two years is a long time. 

The winter of 2013, I started to really question God with Skip. Not questioning if it was true, but questioning if I wanted to follow this crazy plan still that God had me on. Thesethoughts were in the back of mind, I didn't explore them too much-- that is scary.

  While walking to work during one week, I daily heard God say, "connect with Zach to connect with Ham." And after 3-4 days of hearing this, I finally realized that God was speaking this to me. So I did it, I connected with Zach, learned that Ham was near me and connected with him. We went out to coffee, I told him all about my journey with Skip up to that point, I told him about my doubts of waiting on The Lord. I wanted Ham to just be my friend. Even though Ham and I never technically dated, I know I did not keep him in the friend zone, and that our relationship was heading a little bit into serious. 

I think my favorite thing about my relationship with Ham is that nothing within our relationship was "sinful" we weren't crossing physical boundaries, our conversations weren't taboo, everything in it was wholesome. But it was clearly a sin in my life, not by what it was or resulted in, but because I shifted my mindset and was not living my life the specific way God told me to do. Things ended with Ham, but my mindset stayed the same. 

I was in this limbo land where I knew that making my love life my own was wrong and couldn't get myself to act in disobedience, but also couldn't get myself to surrender to what God wanted it to look like. This entire mindset change lasted for about a year, but it was so settle and slow that I didn't see it, not really, I knew that I was kinda struggling with this but didn't know that it was effecting everything in me. 

I got really mad about something one week. And I was done with this mountain. I made plans to go and do something new. I was talking to one of my best friends about it and she interrupted me so she could say this to me, "can I tell you something becky? You have changed, the words you are saying don't sound like you, the Becky I know has a special relationship with the Holy Spirit and I have notice recently that you don't talk about what He is doing in your life. I want you to figure out what changed" 

Well it came clear as day to me moments after getting off the phone with her, that what changed was my mindset in following God in his promise with Skip. That mind-shift changed everything in my life. It seemed like no huge deal while it happened--it had no effect on the physical side of my life, my life didn't look any different,yet, it really destroyed my pursuit of The Lord. He was silent that entire year, and I never took the time to ponder why that was. 

That day was a turning point for me. I was back on the Skip bag-wagon. And I started to regain my relationship in The Lord. I begin to realize it had nothing to actually do with Skip, but instead all in my trust with The Lord and this faith journey he had me on, he wants to do the impossible in my life. 

Things have changed, and I know they will continue to change as The Lord continues to grow and shape and teach me. 

I pray differently now, i think prayer is different than I did before. The book, Experiencing God,made me realize how special it is that God speaks to me and I know His voice. I used to think it was really really weird and hoped that it never happened again, now I cherish the words God says. 

The biggest take home I have from this semester of Bible studies is that I shouldn't waste this waiting period, and that I should use it to learn more aboutGod  and what he is wanting to do in my life. He told me the end goal--I don't need to pray that he will do it--and that actually prayer isn't ever about the end result no matter if The Lord told us it or not. Prayer is all about having a relationship with The Lord, and knowing him more, we just use the things going on in our lives to make that connection with him. 

Nothing was happened or occurred with me and skip for a long time. And that is okay. Lots of things are developing with The Lord and the promise of Skip came from Him, not skip, so I need to be first loyal to our relationship and grow it more and let Skip happen when God is ready for us to happen. 

Until then, I need to keep growing and becoming the woman the lord wants me to be. Keep coming and hearing where I am at on that, I will keep us both posted on that here on this blog. 

Advent devo

I grew up in a Christian home-- if I had to break that down and really explored what that meant to my family growing up. It would be defined as:

•Highly valuing what was going on within our local church. 

•Being very involved in church, mainly within leadership roles. 

•disliking many people we go to church with and often bashing them and what they are doing to the church on a regular basis

•eating dinner as a family at all suppers- praying together as a family before taking your first bite (the prayer is alway the same: "Lord, thank you for today and the food we are about to eat, bless it to our bodies-amen")

•my mom always read her bible and did "the daily bread" devo before we got up, she never talked about it, but I could catch her in the act if I got up before she woke me up. 

•we sometimes played bible trivia- kids vs dad--- we were really competitive in it. 

So, as you read over this, it seems very normal way to be raised in a Christian home in America. It was obviously how I was raised and many of my friends growing had it this way as well. 

So in this upbringing, talking about my actual relationship with God and how things are going NEVER HAPPENED!! NEVER!! 

When you were at camp on a retreat/mission trip situation, you could talk about it then, but outside of these special experiences it wasn't a subject to talk about. (My parents never were at camp or on youth trips with me--they missed out on this) 

I went to college, my roommate Lacey grew up talking about God at home. And in our friendship, I became a person who likes and wants to talk about my relationship with God. I like that openness and vulnerability with people. I like that my relationship isn't just personal, but something that I can share with others. 

So as I changed, I wanted this change to happen within my immediate family too. It hasn't. It's been 9 years, my family in this is still the same as high school. 

It's almost awkward now. Like I am constantly being fake in their presence, they don't know about the biggest and deepest part of my life. 

They are clueless about my journey with Skip. They just think I am a pathetic single girl with no hope. 

I want our relationship to change. So I asked my mom to do an advent devo book with me. It's 25 days (December 1-25) and I am hoping that this will spark a change within our family. 

Exciting, very very exciting. And hopefully,  life changing 

Christmas is lonely

I need to book a flight for Christmas. I don't really want to do it because it starts me remembering and knowing how pathetic my life is and how I don't really fit into this world. 

I feel like most couples and families have this struggle of how much time they need to spend with each of their families and feel like they are being torn apart by all these people wanting to spend time with them. 

I'm the opposite. 

I feel like everyone around me is being torn and that I need to go hid in the corner, so no one realizes that I'm not wanted by anyone. Yes, my parents like to see me. But they aren't all that into Christmas. Yes, I have lots of friends, but they all feel this stretched-out/torn feeling they don't have time for me in December.  I feel like so much of celebrating is designed for parents and young children. And since I'm neither, I don't know how to fit in. 

It's really okay. I don't need a pity party. I just wished I felt like I belonged. Maybe, that will all change this year. Everything else in my mind seems to feel like it has dramically changed, these feelings may too! 

everyday life with The Lord is morphing

I have been living life now for almost half a month without blogging. Though that's average for most people it's strange for me.

 A lot has happened in me-- with my character and relationship with God. 

I was in week 7 lesson 5, of my bible study homework when I was finally able to really honestly pray. And to really pray about Skip.

It may not sound like a huge surrender, but it is. It is me coming to God in prayer and asking Him to work in my life in the way I don't understand. I feel like I repeat myself over and over again when I pray about skip. I feel like God already spoke and I don't need to keep praying about it.  It is already set-up. 

But I'm learning that prayer is getting to know God. I don't need to fill my time with The Lord with lists of wants, but seeking to know him. I need to know the side of God that can speak to me. Tell me what is to come and understand that side of our relationship. To grow and become really okay with the relationship he designed us to have. To learn from him what that should look like in everyday life. 

The next day, I prayed out loud--in my car while driving. I talked for 20-ish minutes. The Lord told me to read Corinthians--I haven't actually done that fully yet.... It needs to come ...

Arts and crafts!

Went to Ben's birthday party today and look at the banner. I painted that! 

Then I found out it was one of my co-worker' moms 83 birthday on tuesay. I really really like her (she stay at camp for a month this summer and LOVED hanging out with her) she was fascinated by how the Sysco truck could make it to our dinning hall and always insisted on watching come in and out of camp. So I made this for her birthday card. 

Feeling crafty! Love it! 

Peace-out

-Becky 

My bowl of rice turned into a hotdish tonight...and it's amazing!

So I was just throwing together some dinner tonight, and somehow made this masterpiece of a meal. 

Here's what I did:

Made Brown rice (like the package says to: boil 1 cup water, add 1/2 rice once it boils with a little bit of salt and butter) 

I threw in a handful of washed cilantro in the pot.

 

Sauté onion in butter, added to rice pot (I had to add water to rice pot tonight, it may have been due to adding onion, watch for that in your meal) 

Cook Italian sausage, I get the links from the store (like bratwurst shape) and take the casings off and cook in a pan since I'm cooking for just me. 

Once rice is done mix it with sausage in a bowl, add a tad of butter, feta cheese and fresh cilantro in top and BOOM! You have what I made in the picture. It's amazing! 

Notes: I have never bought cilantro until this week, and avoided recipes that had it. Turns out it comes in a bag, next to the bag lettuce at target. All you do (or at least what I did) was was it and rip it up and throw it in. Tastes mmm..mmm...good! 

Sausage in casings is a really easy way to make a one person portion. Once I discovered you can do this, I do it all the time. It makes it really easy. And trader joe has a big selection. 

How to recover from the best times of our lives

I have been wanting to rewatch Gilmore Girls from start to finish for about 6 months now. I first decided to wait until summer was over, then have it be what I start when jack and Katie left. I'm almost at a full week from their departure, and I can't get myself to turn it on.

You see, Gilmore Girls was the token tv show during the best year of my life. The year that I interned in Wisconsin. The year that I had close and real friends within my house. The year I was stretch and grown as a person on this earth as well as really growing and getting what it means to follow Jesus. 

The year I understood conflict and how to honor Christ in that(both successfully and in failure) the year where I discovered ice canoeing, how to belay, how to fix a bow for archery and how to facilitate a small group in team building. It was a great year. 

And though at this very moment things aren't bad they aren't as perfect as it was then. And I wonder, really wonder.. How do you recover from really great experiences? 

I struggled so much when I moved from my ideal camp in Wisconsin, to a really hard camp in Minnesota. And I wonder, was the camp really that terrible in MN? Or did it just seem that way because I just came from the promise land?

I am learning a lot this fall from my two bible studies. I feel like I have been extremely busy for it being the slow camping season at camp. My life has been filled with things; I feel like I have to now fight for alone time-which is a really good place to be. 

I have mentioned before, but I have felt the pressure about my budget for work and being so far from having our income match what we need to make this year. 

I have been crunching numbers and working and trying to figure out how to make it happen. How to be close with the buget. And in adding in how we are doing in October and the excess we had come in this spring. There is a really really good chance that I will make it. Or the worst case scenario, only be short $10,000. (A month ago I was projected at being $40,000 or more short) which is exciting, really really exciting. The program side of camp is doing terrible (they are about $40,000 short this fall and their total income should be $67,500) so I am realizing that not all the blame is on my shoulders and it's not all my fault. 

I had a chance to influence what my income will be for 2015 to set that budget. And I played it safe. I really really want it to be less stress next year. I don't want to feel like I am constantly failing, constantly behind. But instead have fun and embrace the ministry and work that The Lord is doing within the budget that we are making. 

I got sidetracked there. But that's okay, it's my blog right?! :) 

It's Sunday, and I'm working in the office. I think it's time to listen to this weeks sermon! 

5 thoughts, one long post.

I have about 3-5 blog posts in my head right now. I am floating with thoughts. 

Today was my first "off"day without Katie. I have been convicted about my thoughts of fleeing camp, I read some good stuff on God speaking to us (and some I don't understand) I painted a cute dinosaur for a b-day party, and have been thinking about Skip a lot. As I wrote this intro, I think I'm going to make this a long blog and cover it all. Okay, here we go!

1. First off day without Katie.

Its really sad and hard. I don't like going to town by myself. I like being with her and spending time together. I am going to have a really hard time going and being solo.as well as being at my house so much. 

2.Convicted of my thoughts about fleeing camp. 

I read this: 

This describes me to a T. This is how I felt all summer and this fall. I need to focus on God and Him alone. And not let my self get in the way. 

3. Read some good stuff on God speaking to us. 

Also in "Experiencing God" I read this paragraph that says:

"Once we know we've heard God, we can proceed with absolute confidence, even if we can't see how things will work out. God always stand by his word. (page 131) 

This is so comforting about Skip for me. I don't know how it's going to work out. But I know that it will because The Lord spoke. 

A few lines later the book says

"The verifification of Gods message is that what a person hears becomes a reality"

I HATE this sentence. It makes this waiting period SO CONFUSING! I know that this book isn't the word of God, I wish though, it was more clear of how to move forward. Which I know the answer to that. I need to love The Lord first and be so close to him his will will be in my heart and my actions will all come from him. And that is how I need to pray and move forward. 

4. Look at my dinosaur painting:  

It's for my bosses son 10th birthday party. I made it out of tag board. Really easy and cheap. Once the whole banner is done I will show you all. 

5. Thinking of Skip

Even though I don't blog about him a lot, I have been thinking a lot about Skip. I need to figure out how to pray for him and how The Lord wants me to come before him in this situation. 

Those are all my snippet thoughts for the night. 

Thanks for reading! 

Becky

Baking party

I feel like all of a sudden my life has become crazy busy, with jack and Katie moving, roommate and co-worker having friends come and visit us at camp, and trying my best to be fully invested in two Bible studies, i feel like I have no spare time, it's been 2 weeks of craziness. I left camp bible study to go home and bake something for tomorrow's bible study. I decided on making scones. Here they are: 

(Before I baked them, but they looked about the same when they came out.)

My latose intolerant roommate told me I had to use up her heavy whipping cream and make whipped cream for them. So I did, never done that before. I almost made butter. 

Then to finish up my cutest homemaker, women's bible study night I created cute signs for my food. 

Cheesy I know. But it was fun. 

I am going to bible study all by myself tomorrow. I'm a little nervous. I don't like driving that far on these scary mountain roads and I don't like going to church by myself. I'm glad though I have lots of relationships there now. 

Saying farewell to some dear friends

Katie, jack and baby b just left camp. I'm sad. I was the only one who cried at their good-bye. I'm really really sad. Tears keep welling up in my eyes. 

I spent all of my time at their house. I never felt like a third wheel with them. I liked everyone in their family. I went to town with them. I played with their baby. We watch tv together. Laughed together. Could be completely honest with them. 

I really love them. So sad that they are gone. And have anxiety about going on in  living on top of this mountain with out them close to help me with normal life obstacles.   

Great blog mandy hale

1. I really really like Mandy Hale and how she is so brave and strong in her words. I am so thankful she writes amazing things like this. 

2. I am so thankful for married friends who always include me, instead of exclude me. 

3. I am thankful that I have a single male friend who I can so couple-y things with and have no feelings for. Just so I don't feel like an obvious 3rd wheel to the general public

That's it. Time to go over to jack and Katie's and finish up packing their house. They are moving to Georgia today. Really hard and sad. 

Love The Lord

The Lord loves me. He really really loves me. His love isn't limited to just me, he loves all. If you love him back and pursue that relationship that he designed us to have with him-- we get that. We can have a great personal intimate relationship with him. One that is so strong that it trumps everything else going on in life. We can be at a place where we have nothing but him and feel complete. Satisfied. Fulfilled. 

I'm not at that place, and before this weekend I didn't think that was a realistic goal. I feel like I have to have all these other things. Great worship, epic heart of prayer, words, deep understanding and in doing this I would develop this deep love. That these things would make me kinda who i describe. That is all backwards. It starts with loving God and in this love you become close to God and in that relationship you become more like him and that is where all the things I have our pushing comes out of me. 

If you haven't noticed, The Lord has been teaching and shaping me a lot these past few days. And the things that he has been working are so simple, but have had this huge impact on my life. 

As I said. I'm not in this place yet. But I can get there. I need to open up my heart and allow The Lord to shape it to fit his and let my heart be full and satisfied in loving him

Love God

Here's yet another book quote for you to read: 

Do I love God? Really love him. Not just respect, worship, honor etc. but love Him. I always assumed that I did. It tells me all over the bible that I need to. I know that God loves me, but do I love him? 

My friend Katie has a 20(ish) month old son. I'm with him all the time. I really love this kid. I want to hug him tightly and never let go. I always want him in my lap, to walk and hold my hand, to laugh and repeat my words. I love this kid. I don't have that same type of love for him as I do for God. I think I need to change that. I think I need to see God more as that type of father to me, than simply someone I overly respect and honor.  

Prayer processing #3

So, I've been making you read pages of books lately, and I'm going to make you do it again today as well. 

What I'm posting today does not make sense to me. It's not sitting right with me. And when that happens it's either because if these two reasons.

        1. It's truth and I don't want to obey

        2. It's false and I should flee it. 

It's tricky when you don't know which one is the right one--moving forward and not knowing which one is right will lead me to very different places. 

Here's my page quotes: 

[I cut things out of these pages, I just am showing you the main thing I am wrestling with]

picture#1 this sounds great but why doesn't she tell me where that happens in scripture? Where is this concept shown?

Picture#2 I didn't feel compelled to pray. I thought of things I should maybe pray for out of Christian duty, but not this deep inner compelled feeling that I need pray now for and in

Picture#3 so sense I didn't feel that feeling God is not drawing me? I also don't get where this traintrack illustration is coming from...where does the bible talk about this concept. 

Today's homework seems creepy and unbiblical to me.. I really really want to know where these concepts and word pictures come out of the bible... Having them not point back to it makes me feel like I'm reading a Joyce Myers book. (I've actually never read Joyce Myers, but this seems to be her MO) 

Learning is wrestling through things, so I know that this is a good process for me. I just can't quit in it. 

Prayer processing part 2

Read this:

[i flipped the page--reason for 2 pictures-- nothing was edited out of this paragraph]

These paragraphs makes sense to me. It makes me feel satisfied in my role of prayer. It's still meaningful if I engage The Lord in it, and I don't have the pressure or guilt of the world failing by not me engaging in prayer enough. But I am struggling in accepting this as truth--biblical truth. I feel like I like this happy medium too much.theres no scripture that backs this up, how do I know that this is right? This Bible study has put me on a whirlwind of ways to think and process how to pray. Putting this in the mix seems too easy.

I am processing a lot of biblical/spiritual things today. I should pray and seek clarity on this and the other that I share about below. 

I think I'm changing a lot spiritually these days. I am thinking, processing and chewing on truths and thoughts lots more than I have in the past. 

 (Another is from exodus, and God killing 3,000 people for claiming to worship God, but made themselves a golden calf and actually just worshipped themselves, and pretended to worship God--and how that applies to my life and world now) 

2.5 years

I used to have a Bible that had notes and comments written all over it. But in owning that, I became more dependent on the commentaries than the word of God, I read those notes instead of letting God speak to me. So I decided to get a bible with no notes,that I could bring with me everywhere. As I was reading my new bible today I began to wonder how long have I been on this journey. It has been two and a half years today. It still seems brand new to me. I still looks brand new as well. Its neat to see all that The Lord has done in having me read his word during this short time of owningthis specific   book. 

Women's Bible Study

So somehow I went from rebelling women's Bible study to one who attends two a week. I have accepted that I'm older, that I do geeky things that my mom does, that I mocked and made fun of her for years. But today, I'm having a really hard time shallowing being a women's bible study girl. 

I'm okay with the one I do at my church, it has become a little more cheesy as time has gone by, but I still love it, and good things have come out of it. 

Tonight, we started a women's Bible study at camp--- it's the now a true stereo type of group... More cheese than I can handle... Many people who are not real, that I don't trust and don't think that it would be wise TO trust them. 

My roommate who very meanly dissed this group not even a week ago is going to be apart of this, and I really don't want to be in the same group as her, I don't trust her at all. She is very consistent rude to EVERYONE and makes everyone accept that because she is an "introvert" 

That's crap-- and I don't know why or how everyone goes along with all the crap she pulls.. It really makes me mad.

Other people are just better people than I am, and can show love. I feel burned-out from her, I know that we are to forgive when people wrong us. But what do you do with people who always act like this girl? I feel like you can't forgive a person for being a person you can't stand to be around, who is in every area of your life, but won't even say "hi" to you or anyone else who she encounters. I feel like that's not something that "needs forgiveness" because it wasn't a direct wrong towards me. But isn't someone I want to spend my life around or with. How do you handle dealing with someone that their presence makes you angry? 

I didn't intend to write on that at all. Tangent over:

This bible study, will actually be good homework, buy I'm really worried about our weekly gatherings. 

I think there is a lot of hidden self amougths this group. I think there are a lot of differences, in writing this post I see that I have a harder heart than I realized--that I have a lot of things that I really really need to work on. 

Though I don't like this--it will be really really good for me. 

Ps I wrote this last Thursday, but i had a hard time accepting how awful my heart is and had to wait until today to show my true colors. Being real is head, both internally and externally.