Season of transition

So this past week, I found out two of my roommates are leaving camp early march. Today at work, I found out a group leader for a retreat in two weeks resigned from her job. Another group leader last day of work is tomorrow. And I talked to a few ladies who found out today their camp contact for their denomination got fired 3 weeks ago. I also found another co-worker of my application for a different job on the printer today. There is a lot of transition going on around me. I could of been in this boat, but instead it just feels like everything is moving around me and I am standing still. Wondering if all this chaos is going to cause a mess. 

Hopefully it will help clean up some long term spills that happen here a while back. 

Explosion of emotion (aka so many tears, I couldn't see my phone screen writing this)

Today at 11:00am I learned that I got kicked off the camp applicant tv show. And I felt really good about it until 15 minutes ago. Now, it sunk in the life I am continuing to live and the life there I will miss out on. 

I was really excited to live in a real house. With one roommate, who hopefully wouldn't be awful. I would be able to fully use a fridge, I could run to the store and back in less than 10 minutes. I would be around normal single ppl. I wouldn't have to listen to annoying 21-year-olds who are irritating optimistic plan there wedding and how great and hard and wonderful this journey is. I wouldn't live on a mountain, but instead be on flat ground around lakes! 

I'm not okay. I don't like my life right now. I don't want to be apart of this. I feel so alone on this mountain. I don't have anyone on team Becky here. It's hard, really hard! 

I don't relate to ppl, people aren't sensitive to me. They say really mean hard things all the time. I feel like I am looked down at for being single. And a mix of things with that. I have no value because I'm alone, I don't understand/go through hard times because marriage is really hard. And all this other stuff. I am either alone or the third wheel. Never anything else. 

I'm really not okay right now. And I don't know how to make it better, at all. Life is so damn hard. I can't even let myself truly cry about it right now because my awful roommates will hear me. 

Can jobs retract their rejections. Can they ?? I just want life to be easier. I asked God to make it clear if I need to stay or go. And not getting this job made it clear. But it hasn't even been 12 hours and all I want to do is run away from this place and not look back. Sprint run! Leave all my stuff and just go!! 

I am in a Beth Moore bible study tomorrow and I don't want to go. I have to go by myself, everyone in my group is married, living the good life and it's just another place where I feel alone and different. 

I need help. I need change. What can I do to get out of this rut.

1 year anniversary!!!

I was just reviewing my blog and realized yesterday is my 1 year anniversary of blogging!! Wow, it's crazy to think what a journey I have been through this past year. I am pretty sure not as much would seem significant if it weren't the document side of blogging! 

Well I've been debating if I should make mug cake tonight, I guess I have no other choice but to now in honor of celebrating one year of sharing my thoughts and feelings to the whole wide world (or the 7 people who have read a post here or there... my life isn't "whole world" read-worthy) 

Anyway it feels great knowing that this journey has helped me and glad that I did  it! 

Love you! 

-Becky ;)

The Bachelor and applying for jobs are the same thing!

The bachelor helps me understand the world better in so many ways. And I think I can parallel anything I am going through to the show.. Someone apologized to me the other day, I felt like crap afterwards, two days later the same thing happened to a girl on the show and I got it, the apology was there only to manipulate your feelings...but I couldn't see that until I happened to someone else.  

Well I really see applying for a job to being a contestant on the bachelor. I was told upfront about the process of getting the job I applied for 2 weeks ago. 

1. Send in resume

2. Fill out questionnaire 

3. Phone interview with director 

4. Skype interview with search committee

5. Interview your references

6. Invite to camp for tour and in-person interview

7. Get job

People are getting eliminated in this process, when I was at step 3, there were 5 applicants, at step 4 there was three, And they are cutting it down to two for the on site interview (or should I say hometown visit) then in the end there is a winner. 

And sometimes when you watch the bachelor you think, "these girls are all fighting over a jackass, the real winner is the one who gets to walk away without a gem on her left index finger" and that can be the same with a job specifically me with this one.

 Though my current job isn't the greatest, there is a chance that it is WAY better than the one I am "fighting" over with these now 3 other contestants. I am trying my hardest to not get caught up in the game of getting a new job, but instead, faithfully following The Lord in this. 

I understand a little better though how the girls on the bachelor become so crazy. The fear of the unknown and unsure of when you are getting cut, plays with your mind and gut a lot more that you think it could. 

Bad company corrupts good character

I live with this girl, she is a negative Nancy. We have lived together for 1.5 years now, but I haven't spent a lot of time with her because I didn't want to be corrupted. 

Today, I had an interview. Afterwards I had a really good long conversation with Jack. It was really positive. He listened to my interview. We debriefed it, and we talked a log about God's will and what needs to be done. It was really good. And though it was not all smiles and giggles. I walked away feeling encouraged. 

I went home. And I had a conversation with Nancy. Nancy just put in her 1 month notice. And in that, has been VERY VERY open about all she hates about our camp. Earlier today, I was thinking that it didn't actually bother me and she is just transitioning out poorly. 

But after our hour conversation, and hearing a lot of negative things about this place and my boss. I learned it does indeed bother me. I need to be careful with my words. She doesn't know about my journey that I am on with finding a new job and I know now I need to keep it that way or that influence will bring me down. 

What is crazy to me though, Nancy and jacks conversations were very similar in content to each other, but the heart, feeling and attitude behind it, dramatically different!!  

I see it to be really true... Bad company corrupts good character, I feel that even in these small doses. 

Liking that potential option

This morning I had an interview. It was really really good. I really like the guy I talked to, my potential boss. Right now there aren't really any red flags. I would live in a house, with just one roommate. A grocery store is only 5 minutes away. It's a growing camp, new buildings are going up. They care about their staff. Fixing and improving housing. They are a smaller camp, but they consistently busy for at least half a year. I really liked my interview. I think this place could be a really good fit for me. But, I just don't know. I don't know if I'm ready to go. 

Even though it's hard, I really like this journey. It's steps of faith. I wish that I could talk to my executive director about it. We are really good friends and I wish that we can talk this at without me quitting my job getting in the way. 

Oh man, I'm glad that I have The Lord in my life. If I didn't I would be a basket case right now. 

Mysterious theme verse of the week

Last Wednesday was a really big day, I think this is like my 5th post referring to it! 

In the morning, I went to staff meeting. Was told by the ugly email writer that we are talking about our favorite bible verses in devos, then addressed the ugly email writer about his ugly emails (he talked a lot, and was very apologetic) then went to devos. 

So in this timeline, questions about verses were frequent and each time that was mentioned psalm 12 came to mind. I don't think I have ever read this psalm before. It for sure is not dear to my heart. But ever since Wednesday, I have needed to hear it. It has been pressed into my heart. 

Honestly, I don't really get it. Part of me want to refer it to the ugly email writer. I think he lies and he has flattery lips. I think his long apology was that, though I do not know. 

I love how it says the words of The Lord are flawless. I love how it asks us to protect us from those flattery lips ppl. But in the end, I feel confused by 1.) what the purpose of the psalm is and 2.) why has this become my go-to theme verse. 

And it's not one of those theme verses where you go to because I like it. But because the Holy Spirit is prompting me to over and over again. 

Oh the mysteries of God!  

Rocky coast

So I applied for a job last Wednesday. That is what I intitially called my friend to tell her, before my life exploded with change with God.

I sent in my résumé. And I got back an automatic message that said,  "I'm out of town for 5 days, I will respond to you then" So after everything Wednesday night I had it in my head that I can figure this out in a week. Thursday morning comes, and after telling my friend I need to figure out who I am now in Christ, and I will just stay at my current job while I figure it out, knowing that I have a few more days until I will hear anything at all from this other job. 

After getting home, I shower and as I'm getting ready for the day. I get an email from the job I applied for. Them saying that they want to move forward and  asked that I answer 6 questions for the search committee. 

So at this point. I started praying, for the position at this camp and that if I was suppose to be there that would be very clear. There is no harm filling out the questionnaire, in fact, those things are good for me. It makes me reflect and evaluate. So I filled it out and sent it in. A little nervous about it. Katie was with my boss's wife the whole time, so I didn't even have someone to proofread it. (Because I'm not telling my boss this yet) 

today, I was told I'm moving forward in the process and now have a phone interview scheduled for Friday. I am up against 5 other ppl. The top 2-3 are brought into the camp for a full intense day of tours/interviews/meals with staff. This has moved really fast. 

Part of me really doesn't want this job. Even though this isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I would have a really really hard time leaving here. 

The executive director and I have a really good working relationship. I love working for him. If there wasn't all this other stuff, I would want to be here forever. But alas, there's the other stuff. 

I think i need to talk to him. I think he doesn't understand the place I am in. I was told that his biggest fear is me leaving here. I also know he does not handle good-byes well at all. So as much as I want to tell him everything I really really need to be careful. 

Back in that boat

So it's been quite the night. 

I figured out why I am the way I am (screwed up and distant from God)

It is because he told me something crazy, and I gave up on believing that He actually could or would do this crazy thing. Or that I even wanted it to come true. 

Any guesses of what I am talking about? If you asked me yesterday, "what in your faith is keeping you from coming closer to God" I never would come up with the right answer. 

Today, I know, it's this I let go of  believing that God told me who I was going to marry, and I moved on! I still think it is crazy that God told me this. I feel like a crazy person by having this knowledge and walking about in faith in that seems over-the-top. It's been a long while since I heard God in this. I started to doubt it right as Ham entered my life, that made it easy.I had this incredible guy in front of me, who had amazing faith in God. I see now, that I let his faith "cover" over my disobedience to God. 

When we ended, I felt numb. I was thinking it was because this incredible guy was no longer in my life. And though I am sure that had a part in it. I think mostly, it was that I gave up on the crazy part of my faith, and without this crazy faith, the rest become useless. 

In thinking about this tonight. The story of the rich young man[mark 10:17-30] came to mind (divinely).

 the young man couldn't give away all that he had. Giving everything away that you own is crazy!! He can follow the commands, he can have the heart to know more/be close. But he couldn't do the crazy. He was sad he couldn't do. 

I wonder when that rich man  left Jesus if he stayed the same? did he Continued to follow the laws, continue to almost be in the right. Or did throw in the towel and call it quits? 

I think when God spoke I was obedient, at least close enough to The Lord where I could follow. But being crazy wore on me, and I gave up. But not wanting to be a quitter I deceived myself. Enough so, that I couldn't even identify in what....yesterday. 

So as much as I hate being the crazy person. I'm glad I'm back in this boat. Because without this faith, everything  that I have in God is meaningless. 

Which makes me think "how did I survive these past months?"

The wall

I got comfortable. I became secure. I became able to do it on my own. I didn't want help, I didn't need help. I can do it myself. I felt a need to prove myself. So I did it myself.  I saw myself doing better than those around me.

This brought me to where i am stuck today. A place that though I kinda knew, never saw how deep I was on my own. I am right now numb to God. Right now my eyes where open to the deepnessof my  sin. the deception i myself in my own doing lead me down. 

My friend called me out on it. We were talking, maybe 10 minutes into the conversation she said "can  I make an observation? You talk differently than you used to. Normally, when you make decisions you talk about God's will,you haven't talked about it. I've noticed this the passed few times we talked" after some processing. She told me to think about what changed... Why am I talking differently. 

Well the above reasons are why. I can see that clearly after thinking for just a little while. The real question is. How do I conquer the thick walls I built. And know and converse with the Holy Spirit again, the way I did before. The way I did when I knew God closely. 

That's what I dreaming of. To have again a real and close relationship with God, and know and listen and believe in the Holy Spirit working in my life. 

Slope of death

I'm on a really really slippery slope, but didnt  see it as that, I've closed my eyes to it. Though I've been praying and though I've been reading the bible, im not  open or allowing myself to be close to The Lord. I have become a poser, instead of a follower. 

Does God love me? Yes. Yes he does. But am I walking with him right now? No, no I'm not.