Drop of thoughts

Tonight I have a few thoughts:

I need to be more passionate about God's word and spending time with him. I laid out on the hammock in my backyard attempting to read psalm 74. Last night it was read aloud to me and had auch great meaning. But tonight it just seemed to be meaningless words scrambled on a page. Why do I go through seasons like this? I don't think I have discovered how to get personal and relational with God when I'm alone with him and his book. I really really should pray about that. 

I saw a picture of skip on Facebook today. It's crazy how much my feelings have changed for him. I can't image at all liking him or being with him. It scares me a little how fast those feelings disappeared. And I still don't know what god is going to do with me and my unfaithfulness/obedience in this. Or if I'm in his will. I bet I have been distancing myself from him because I'm afraid to ask. 

I have been really needy for hams attention today, REAL NEEDY! He had a huge project at work he had to work on and didn't talk to me at work at all (except he responded to a picture I texted him---because I'm real needy today) we texted a very very limited amount tonight, and he just stopped after I asked where he was. On a normal day, I would think, " his phone died" "he didn't see my text go through" "he got distracted, really busy" but today on my needy day I think"he hates me, he sees how needy I am and pushing me away, he's bored with me..etc" I realize I'm needy and my thoughts aren't rational. And I shouldn't be pestering him. But I really really really want him to pay attention to me at this second. 

Lastly, I am annoyed that I don't know how to find other ppls blogs that are similar to this. I feel like I can't be the only anonymous blogger out there who is processing:love, God, camp, life, in real time. How the heck do you connect with people 100% randomly in this?? I don't get it!!

I really want to hear how The Lord has been shaping and growing in ham in the last month. I wish he would call me right now and ask me!  Man do I need attention right now!! I should also go to bed! Night y'all!!

Me, jealous?? Only a lot!!

So last time I hung out with ham, we were talking to my old roommate together. Then he asked me for her number. I gave it to him, and asked just last night if he has talked to her at all. He told me that he has been talking to her and then changes the subject! He brought her back in ten minutes, but he had that time gap to choose his words. It makes me really really jealous that he is talking to her. I want to be selfish and keep him all to myself. In college, I always wanted her and ham to be a couple. They were way better friends than ham and I in that season of life. They get along really well. My last conversation with my old roommate didn't go well. She was a huge negative Nancy. I didn't feel comfortable at all talking about ham with her. She had nothing good to say at all and it upset me for a couple of days. As much as I know she isn't going to come up and steal ham from under me, I fear that happening. I fear that ham is going to drop me and will pursue her. 

I don't want to be overly innocent and think that ham isn't dating anyone else in this season of ours. Here's a high chance he is. He mentions time to time doing things "with a buddy" which could be code for " date with..." And even though I know that could be happening I don't think it is. And bothers me so much less the fact that he could be actually dating other girls  than him talking to my old roommate, I have a chance trumping random girls. But I can't compete with her.. She's my friend and I have no hope of winning. 

I know I'm overreacting, that's what jealous ppl do! They probs just have debated Harry potter like he said he did and talked about me. Man, do I hope that's true. Do I hope they talk less than us!

Waiting on Gods faithfulness

I'm in such a different place than I was a few months ago. I was waiting on Gods faithfulness and now I'm figuring out where I am with this guy who returned to my life out of the woodwork. I've started processing and figuring out God things on this blog instead of turning and talking to Him and reflecting about it here. I heard yesterday that you have to hit rock bottom before you can see how you rebelled against God. I would say that right now I am far from rock bottom and see my rebellion. And I am so thankful that God has allowed me my few steps off trail before I ended up in a pit. But it still seems hard to turn back from my old ways.  It seems shameful to go back to God after turning my back on our relationship again and again in the simple part of doing life together and having Him lead the day to day part of my life. But I need to. I need to seek after Him and find and figure out how to faithfully follow him in every lesson and stage my life brings to me. It's all about surrendering, which is so dang hard to do! 

Called that old roommate...

I called my old roommate today that ham and I talked to last night. It was hard. She told me that my best friend and direct roommate in college had a thing with ham like a year and a half ago. She made it seem like a full pledge long- distance relationship with a break-up and everything. Part of me doesn't believe this- my roommate of 4 years surely would let me. Right?! Or least not encourage me to move forward with the same guy. It really bothers me that there's a possibility that happened.it bothers me that I may be excited about a guy that one of my closest friends rejected!! I think that is the hardest part of me to swallow!! All the other crap I'm okay with- but this is hard!!! And sodang shallow of me!   As much as I struggle with this here in the moment I shouldn't let it! I think I need to see ham in the big picture. It's hard when we aren't interacting with ppl outside of us. My college roommates only know college ham. But he is a new guy now. Completely different than before, I can't let harsh words about them effect me. My my old roommate yesterday had nothing nice to say about anything or anybody- so I really should let it all go. But it's hard really dang hard. 

I think we call that a date!

Ham and I went out last night and it was so incredibly wonderful. I really like this guy. I wasn't nervous in the beginning. But as the night went on I got really nervous mixed with overjoy of such a great night. We talk a lot. But don't really get anywhere because we love to banter so much. I really respect him. He is so much cooler than me! We texted my college roommate (his college neighbor) which was fun! Also I haven't talked to her in a long while- so I haven't told her that I reconnected with ham. Not the best way to tell her. Ham and I are really fun together! I laughed so hard. He told me that I'm a safe person for him (that's huge) I think I'm holding back more than he is.which is so rare for me with guys. He went out of his way to touch me in really small ways. Grabbed my hand to point things out. Stepped on my foot when I said it was asleep. Touched my hair. It was settle, smooth, and nice that he wanted to and did so in a noncreepy way. He prayed for our meal which I did not expect. He was bold and lead our date - but also was really ensuring that I was good with his leading. I like this guy--I like him Alot!!!

Ps we hanged out for over 4 hours. We got dinner, Starbucks and went shopping for random things for him at target. And than sat in his car and talked. (Though he thought about kissing me, I could read that, but thankfully he didn't. It was not the time or place for that) 

I'm sure you will be hearing so much  about this date but this is all for now that it's 6:00 am the day after 😃

Being close to God

I listen to tons of sermons, have lots of conversations about God and think about my relationship with Him a lot. But I'm struggling with prayer lately. As I listened to a sermon this morning- I was reminded of Abraham and how he pleaded with God about saving Sodom. Pleaded!! God allows us to be our child, he wants us to call Him daddy, not father sir. Yet, in knowing all of this- I still am scared to consistently go to God in prayer and seek him in His word. It's not that hard, yet I struggle with it so much! 

In this sermon from this morning. It talked about how we have to be obedient to what God says in step 2 before he will reveal step 3 to us. I've also been pondering that... Big stuff there

Retreat

Ham went on a retreat this past weekend. I work at camp. And though he didn't come where I work I was so excited for him. I love camp!! Great things happen when you get away and do new things and allow God to take ahold and speak to you in this nature setting. I personally had my worst day in California on Friday. I was so upset, angry, and pissed off and it was with both good friends and the people I am surrounded with at work. I texted him about it and didn't get a response. But didn't think anything of it because it was in a timeframe when he normally plays soccer. Well midnight, he responds letting me know that he is so sorry, his phone was off because he was at a retreat. Changed my day!! It brings me such joy to know that ham willingly went to camp and turned his phone off because he was at camp! That didn't last long we texted a lot of this weekend, but I loved hearing about it and in a way experience it with him even though we were off in different places. Yesterday we were talking about loneliness and when and why we feel lonely. He asked if I have been feeling lonely at camp. And I boldly answered no because we talk constantly and I have lots to look forward to lately. I love having a close friendship with ham, even though I have no idea if or where we are going. Thus far has been great!!

Settling excuses

God is God and I am not. I am thankful that God is beyond my comprehension. I am thankful that God handles and deals with all the crap in this world and I don't have that burden. God knows all and reveals to us in His timing what we need to know. At church on Sunday, my pastor talked about the crap that women conferences put in women's heads to think the men in their lives are aren't good enough spiritually and that they need to step up and be the spiritual leader of the home, etc. things like that have always made me mad, but it clicked Sunday for me. I don't like displacing blame on things that don't need blame. I don't think talking to women about the shortcoming of guys is fair. No one forced you to get married. You should know who you are committing your entire life to, and you should know them well. If you don't approve how they how God and how they are leading you, don't marry them! But instead, I feel like so many ppl settle. And then go to conferences and complain about their decision and make others doubt what they are doing that is working for them. I'm old and single. I'm not in the dating scene, I thought I was being faithful in The Lord by waiting for skip. I threw that out the window after having my mind set on that for 2 years. Now, I'm actively wanting to date a guy, who is so open and real with me, but has a past that is so counter to mine, and blew me off a few days ago. Him blowing me off hurt more than it should. It was a slow hurt, it took many hours after the fact to sink in. It proved to me that ham is very flaky, and that even though he is putting in all this effort into us via chat,text and calls. He is not committed enough to spend the FaceTime. I'm not done. I'm not throwing in the towel quite yet. But I'm moving forward with caution. I feel like this limbo land could hurt us the worst, because we aren't really giving anything a chance. We aren't open and real with each other of what our relationship means or what we want to do with it. I feel like one of us will eventually walk away and both of us will live in the land if "what ifs"  

God is big, God is bold. He is so much more than these random thoughts. 

Lord walk me through this journey in this time, let me hear your voice clearly now in this and whatever you need me to hear from you now.

Hey there handsome ;)

I am single, and a believer, and have very few friends that live near me. When you put that all together, you get me going to church alone. Overall I HATE sitting alone at church, it's worst than eating alone at a restaurant. But thankfully the church I attend is huge and I normally can blend in well enough. Today I arrived to the service early and sat in the center of a 7 chair row near the front. Just as the service starts, this incredible looking guy sits on the isle chair in my row. Man, this guy is buff, and has mannerisms that makes your heart melt. He is the kind of guy that you just want to cuddle up in his arms, lay your head on his shoulder and hold his perfect hand that is at least 3 times bigger than your own. Then the guy on stage announces that everyone should move to the center of their rows to make room for others. This guy slides over and intended to sit in the chair right next to me, but than realizes that a pretty bold hit-on move and lands on the crack of the chair next to me, leaving a one chair safety buffer between us. I was so uncomfortable all of church. I do well when ppl are close to me. That's comforting . But this one chair gap made me so on edge, we almost are next to each other. And this guy is hot!! I kept trying to peek to see if he had a wedding ring on, but my angle and his mannerisms make it so hard to tell, so I just kept awkwardly starting at his hands. I think he was uncomfortable all of church too.

   It's been a long time since I been around a person that makes me uncomfortable. I was hoping to talk to him at the end. I was hoping he would invite me to coffee or dinner or something right then and there. But nope. Church ended and we never spoke, just walked out and did our separate things. Maybe he will sit my me again next week..

Ps this story had a lot of buildup with nothing to show for it. But still interesting and fun!! 

Left hanging today

It little more than a week ago, ham and I made plans for today. He was going to come up and we were going to have a fun day on the mountain here. Talking to him yesterday he told me he wasn't quite sure if he was going to make it. He was sick. So Today came, I didn't know if he would show or not. He didn't show, call, text- nothing! He simply ditched me! What a jack-ass move! I feel like I should be really mad, but I'm not that. I am really disappointed and have lost a lot of respect and desire to be anything with him. This is the second time he has ditched me. In my pissed off state, I of course checked his twitter, I wanted to see what he ditched me for. He was tweeting about riding his new bike. I was having a little grace if he was really really sick, or whatnot. But he played soccer last night and went mountain biking today. Yet didn't communicate with me at all. I haven't talked to him, and part of me feels like I should give him the benefit of the doubt. But actions speak louder than words. This kind of crap makes me so mad! 

Alright it's official! After reflecting on this I am legitly angry and pissed off at ham!! 

Ramble of my Loneliness Thoughts

Ham and I text/chat/talk pretty consistently throughout the day most days. But it has been over 24 hours since we last spoken a word to each other. Now I fully realize that this shouldn't bother me. We aren't anything, 24 hours isn't that long, we didn't plan on talking etc. I'm not anger by any means, but i missed it a lot today. I greatly enjoy talking to him all the time. We are nothing, which makes me incredibly insecure in the time frame of our fabulous connection. And I fear that I greatly hurt his feelings yesterday by not engaging in conversation when I think he really needed it.

 I really need to talk to him tonight. But, I think that is not a reality and I know that I shouldn't depend on him so much. I knew before and now especially after today there is no more question in my mind that his friendship matters most to me in our relationship. He reminds me that I'm normal, he lets me be transparent and real Becky when everyone else gets someone else. He treats me well, he not only let's me talk smack to him but encourages it. I laugh so hard around him. I feel safe-real. He challenges me and helps me to grow in knowing and being real with God. I have never had a relationship like this! Ham is so caring, and it really doesn't seem to be in selfish reasons. Just that The Lord has worked in him and now works through him to show this.

 Ham and I come from polar opposite upbringings, he has gone threw hell and had The Lord bring him back. He knows and experienced tsunami waves in life. Where my waves in life compared seem calmer than a pond on a windless day.

 I have a fear of what will happen if our life waves collide together. I have a fear that hams life will relapse into its old patterns. But in reality I know that I need to focus on the hear and now. On how to show ham love and respect in this season. How to be his friend or how to be more according to his leading. How to protect his lifestyle that he has chosen  that keeps him on the straight and narrow, and not lead him astray. 

I write all this, but I really meant this post to be all about complaining about my women's bible study tonight and how I feels so incredibly alone there being amongst ppl who just want to know me better and grow together in The Lord. But the conversation was all centered on childbirth, how to be a good wife and care for your husband in our current lives.  I am so sick of being surrounded by married ppl! I am so sick of feeling pressure date the few single guys here at camp, for only seeing strange singles in this world. This is way I need ham and wish so hardly that he was awake right now. I need a normal single person to remind me that where I am is okay, and that I can't and shouldn't feel snobbed by all the newlyweds in my life!

I know that, but it's so much easier to believe when it's spoken by someone who really gets it!! 

Yeah... You are right, I am a little emo tonight.... 

Real time

I have been having a really hard time lately. I been moody, easily angered, and distant at work and with the ppl I work with. Things like that really really bother me. I love being happy and I feel like I am expected to be happy. And when I'm not happy everyone around me seems to join my pity party with me. And in thinking about why I'm so miserable to be around lately I had revelation a few days ago on my hiking trail. I am open and honest and real with ham. He gets who I am, but camp doesn't. Now that I have an outlet of real me it bothers me and my mood that I am not always real Becky! I don't know yet how to be real me here but it needs to come out. I need to figure out how and what that needs to look and feel like with ppl I don't fully trust.

 Speaking of trust. Ham has entrusted me with real details of who he is with me. I made a rule with myself after our first coffee that he gets real Becky, there's no point to this at all if I am fake. I halfly mentioned that a few times in our conversations. But spelt it out a few days ago to him that he gets the real me. Nothing else, and even established being real as a rule for our relationship. Me saying that I believe, has changed things. Not that he was faking before, but he has been laying all his cards down with me. The good, the bad and the ugly. I knew that he had crap in his life from the beginning, but it surprised me how he has been so transparent with me in it. Overall, him being open and honest with me doesn't phase me of what he is sharing, I see him transformed by Christ. But it's a little overwhelming to me how much he respects me to share that with me and be transparent with big real hard stuff. And how in the world does one react to big stuff. What words are to be said??

I feel so blessed, I need show how I'm blessed by putting my selfishness aside and learn how to love and be real with the fellow team members here at camp and serve them well. 

Weighed in the other day

So I live at camp and it has really good free food! And being in my third year of this free food, I have gained a lot of weight. Now, I don't own a scale, nor had any desire to actually to know what the scale would reveal when stepping on it. But in talking to my new mom friend katie I decided to step on hers to face reality. I weighed 182.6! Now that may sound a lot to you, but I was shocked at how low that number was! I figured it would be at the lowest 195! So now I'm motivated to drop that even lower! Katie went to a wedding for a week, I want to be in the 170s range when she comes back! My goal is to be in the 160s range by June 10th. All this motivation just by stepping on the scale. For the month of may I want to have an average of hiking/walking 5 miles a day. I was reading fitness and health blogs this morning and what I eat will have a huge impact on my body(everyone knows that but reading those blogs stab you in the heart to face that reality) I always eat crap but this weekend has been my worst! Gotta step it up! I think I need to buy a blender and face my fear of kale! Hopefully things will get easier, healthier and skinnier for me!

Ps this is not going to turn into a fitness and health blog!! But, I'm sure you will now understand why all my thoughts come from the hiking trails :)

Repetition is the key

The other day I was hanging out at my bosses house. Within the normal banter of conversation my boss started saying "repetition is the key" over and over again to bug his wife. I laughed and laugh because he kept saying it and it didn't phase her one bit.

Well the next day on my routine hike, I decided that I should spend 15 minutes in silence with God. (A challenge that ham is going to take part in daily next fall within a small group- I felt like I needed to do that that day)
I don't know how to be silent before The Lord, I just think about what it means, am I being silent, if I'm thinking about being silent, how do you stop thinking?

Have you ever experience this? The long random train of thoughts when all you are trying to do is be silent. Then within the "silence" attributes of God started flowing. God is so much! And he loved us at our worst state. After all of this. A phase started going in my head over and over again "focus on serving here at camp" I need to to get off of my selfish confusion of what The Lord is doing in my romantic life, and remember what goes on at camp! Lives are changed here, camp is a special place. And I am letting it become a normal 9-5 office job. It's not that at all! I am in ministry and I am becoming numb to it by being hanged up on guys. I still need to sort that out, but it can't be number one priority.

So this seems so spiritual and a deep moving moment and in a sense it was, but soon after the phase "repetition is the key" went through my head over and over again, obviously the phase is right! :)

Coffee last night

I have been making a big deal about everything lately when it comes to ham. And the anticipation of last night coffee date surprising was quite the opposite. It was just something I was going to do, I actually felt like he was going to cancel on me last minute.(and was pissed when he started to play with the details of the plan) but as I drove. I prayed a loud for my anger thoughts, that I would not be pissy at him as I was on the phone. Can I just say, that I LOVE spending time with this guy!! I laugh so hard, I feel so normal, I can even mock him. We spent about 3 hours together, most of which was reliving the pranks of college, but also touching in who we are and where we want to be. I left feeling good. And with a thousand messages from my dear loved friends who have been cheering me on in this process. And as I drove home, I thought about what I would say to my friends about the night. Ham and I are in a good spot! But we are completely in the friends zone. Being in the friends zone bothered me so much until this drive. Now I am forever thankful! The longing of my heart for my first 5 months here was to have a tight guy friend to do be close to and have fun with. Right now I have that. And as much as I denied it, and pretended to move forward, I'm still not done sorting out how God is faithful and how I need to trust him with skip. Surrendering everything to him and walking with him is my biggest struggle, and being in the friends zone with ham is comforting. And I am so glad for this season for now.
Ps: ham and I have been talking so much since last night, he texted me on the way home, we started g-chatting at work today and I know that he isn't walking away from this weird environment we created for ourselves which makes this all the easier to be here now.