Maybe someday

I made the decision to not move forward with the midwest job and have had so many mixed feelings about that decision. I overall don't think it was a good fit for me. But I have had many many days in the last 3 weeks where I have thought, "why am I still here" "this is so hard, why did I say no to that job?"

Because things have been really really hard. My job is so tough this past few weeks. I feel like I am playing catch-up and there will never be a hope of being to a point where I feel caught up. I may have to move at camp, to a really terrible house. I don't want to move at all. My house/home life was one of the big reasons I made my decision to stay.

My house that I am in now is literally 4-5 times as big as the one I may move into, (my house now is a pretty small 3 bedroom, this house is TINY!) and the bedroom can barely fit a double size bed. I won't have a closet at all.

Being at home is a big deal to me. And I feel so insignificant that having a home, any home can so easily be taken away from me because I don't have a husband or kids.

I feel like crap.

I feel like I have no value.

I feel like eveyrthing I am doing is worthless and that I am worthless and I just want to run away.

I like my house. I just finished decorating it (it took me 4 years) I don't want to move to some crappy house so that someone who has everything going for them (husband and kid on the way) can live the dream, I just condinue to be less and less of a value.

I feel lost. I feel unimportant. I hate days like this.

But, this too shall past.

Maybe somedayI will feel put together. Maybe someday I won't actually be one big mess.