4 year look back

I remember the moment- sitting on top of the Zipline tower, hot, sweaty, trying to distract my mind by looking at a magazine, but not being able to focus on it, because my mind was consumed on the things going on around me at camp. 

I cried out to God-- a complete mess, so confused and unsure of why I was here at this camp and struggling with the mindsets of God of those who I worked with-- angry in how they represented Him and taught who He was. 

I remember praying in a real raw way. And God responded by telling me that I was going to marry skip-- saying nothing about my current condition of being a mess. I knew it was during the summer of 2011-- but I found this journal entry today-- I don't remember writing this at all- but I am amazed that I could admit it in words that day, I was unable to say it outloud for a long time. 

I am getting close to the 4 year mark-- nothing has change inthe Skip department but I am more confident in how and what the Lord said now. 

Not understanding the most common hurt

In case you missed it- it came out yesterday that josh Dugger molested 5 girls when he was 14-15 years old, some of which were his sisters. There is media all over this, and there are so many viewpoints on it, should we forgive him? can there show still be on tv? Etc etc etc 

There is a lot of talk about the victims-- and how they are feeling-- and I don't understand at all how they are feeling. 

I don't mean that in a rude way, but in a honest," I have no idea how you feel" kind of way.

 It's confusing to me, how can the actions of sex cause so many different feelings, how can the same actions sometimes make you feel amazing and satisfied and other times broken, hurt and confused. 

Now, before you judge me for asking such a dumb question where there are obvious outside factors that influence this, think of it that simple-- crazy how sex can make you feel so radically different pending on the situation. 

People explain how being molested or rape hurts them to the core, it messes in how they see themselves, their self-image, worth, they have anger, hardships. And nothing inside of doubt that those things occur--but I don't understand it at all, I don't get how all of these things happen to you, by a little bit of physical contact. 

I think I'm not alone in that boat, and I think my lack of understanding and your lack of understanding (if you haven't experienced molestation or rape first hand) is why victims struggle so much. 

Because I don't actually understand the pain, I said hurtful words to victims, I give way more grace to people like Josh bacause I don't understand the big deal of what he did. Causing victims even more pain. 

If you remember any of my stories about dating ham, you know I got to know and understand how porn will mess with you and how ham opened my eyes wide to the that world-- I am sure many people I am around each day are addicted to porn, but no one outside of him have talked to me about their personal connection to it. 

I know that people in my life have been molested and raped-- I don't know the details at all about it--it's too painful for them share-- I see them struggle with it. But I don't get to know their struggle. 

One of my friends shared with me that her heart was heavy for whichever sisters of josh that had to live with him after being hurt by him. The anger she was experiencing by people saying that "we need to leave the past in the past" 

I was told that Mary DeMuth wrote a really good article on this today, I need to go read it-- I'm sure you do too. 

I hope as this story continues to unfold  that I will have heart of understanding-- that though I have never been a sexual abuser or victim, the Lord will show me how to feel rightly and justly for both. That my words will not hurt those who are already hurt from similar situations and that God will guide my thoughts and emotions through this. 

Oh Jeremiah 29:11

If you ever go to a Christian Book store or attend a Christian high school grad party, you are almost guaranteed to find Jeremiah 29:11 on display.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD,"plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Yet, if you google or read an Christian article on the verse, you will hear many many voices in outrage of how this verse is taken completely out of context, and isn't intended to make us feel all good inside. That these verses are only meant for the Jews in exile, and that is what God was saying specifically to them.

these articles have been out for years.

So I wonder, why do we still use Jeremiah 29:11 as our go-to graduation and home decor verse? 

Jeremiah is a hard book to read, but I really like reading the verses surrounding Jeremiah 29:11--- verse 10 says that after 70 years of God exiling his people He will come back for them after 70 years! That's a really really long time!

V.12-13 says 

"You will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

I love these two verses--they are encouraging-- God is saying that He will listen to us and we can find Him when we fully go after Him (seek) 

-- but I just read all these articles saying that Jeremiah 29:11 only applies to Jews in exile, what does that say about the verses right after that? Who do these verses apply to? 

I want to be wise, I want to read a good book that helps me understand this book so much more. 

Simple vs busy

I feel like there are these two conflicting messages that are told to me. Step back- and live a more simple life, don't fill your life with busyness AND go out and make your life count. 

I live the most simple and boring life. My day consisted of TV watching, instragramming strolling and a simple hike that I do once a week.

I barely talked to anyone-- given, I really needed a day like this, but when6:30 rolled around tonight, I was board. I live such a strange life. It's so simple. And a lot of times I feel like it lacks meaning because of its simplicity. 

I fear life a lot. I am really afraid to do and experience so many things. Is my fear cutting into having a vibrant life, or is it helping me stay on track. I wish I had direction of where I was going. 

Shifting ground

I feel like I have said, "I'm so glad that________ isn't have happen" and in a couple of days that occurrs. I said that about time clocks at work, hobby lobby coming to town and now devo starting my day at work. So I feel like it's wrong to say I having starting my work day with devos, but man, do I ever hate it! It eats so much time, it's uncomfortable, I typically don't get anything out of it and it makes me feel like a cheesy fake Christian. 

I waited so long for them to end and it finally did, now that I have a new manager we are starting them again. I really think it's important to wait 6 months-year to make changes. I didn't understand it when my boss was SO SLOW to make changes, but now seeing the opposite side of it, the slow pace is valid. I feel like I can't trust anything because tomorrow it could all be gone. My boss told me I'm not adaptable at all, man is that true. I am internally freaking out all the time. I'm glad the task of my job is stable. I really really hope that doesn't change at all. 

Becoming okay again

I wasn't okay Friday and Saturday. I moved to my new office space and it wasn't at all what I dreamed it would be. As you read in my past post I had oh so hard with this transition. My boss could tell I wasn't okay and in his very self, he came to me, a few times to see what was wrong. He said nice things like "Becky, you are one of the most valuable on this staff, will you please tell me what's wrong so we can get it fixed for you" and things like that. I told him "no" and I'm not ready yet each time. Saturday before noon he told me that we needed to talk before Monday since he is leaving then. 3 hours later I went to his office and told him I was ready to talk. 

These conversations is what makes me think of my boss as a dad. He needs to know what is wrong, and he needs to fix it for you. -- this isn't the first time this has happened, this is just part of who he is.  I hate it because, part of my issue was me feeling like he picks my co-worker above me, and I told him that-- I hate that I did, I wonder if that will distroy our relationship. 

He is going to build me a custom desk that fits in that corner of my office, he is going to move the door, so it's not in my way. That's nice. 

I still really wished that the desk that I got worked for my space and me. It's really beautiful. One of my co-workers is going to get it. I hope he loves it. I think he will actually, how he sits and where he is at I think it will be great for him. 

Change sucks!

Do you ever have something about to happen that you are so excited about, but as soon as it happens, you immediately hate it? 

That happened to me today, and I'm a mess about it. ---A MESS

I've cried about it almost every moment since I've been alone, and even some when co-workers were around-- trying to cover it up by saying dust was I my eye or something dumb like that. 

I got a new office-- well I'm sharing a office-- it's really small, I knew it was small, but not as small as it is. 

I'm in a corner next to the door, the door is in my workspace close. 

The new desk I got SUCKS, My back kills from sitting at it for one day-- thankfully I am returning it, unthankfully I need to get a new one and have no idea if I can find one that will give me enough work space in this tiny office.

 my back is to the door, ppl can sneak up to me. I don't get voicemails, my phone doesn't ring and I have to push "9"to get out-- only 2 other phones do you have to do that for. 

I feel like I'm in a swished fishbowl and hate it. 

I have a co-worker who gets her own office-- she also got to move out of my house and get her own-- why do I have to share everything, and she gets her own?? 

I was so excited to move out of the receptionists desk, now I just want to go back-- I don't like this at all-- its so pitty, but so big to me. I want my working phone, comfy work space back!