The Embarrassment of Singleness

This week is camp staff training week. It has been a whirlwind of things going on around me the last few days: welcoming up new summer staff, team building, training, chapel sessions, and devos. Trying to meet and remember what name goes with what face all while they tell me facts about themselves and catalog that in my mind. In the midst of all the fun and excitement around me. I have been struggling with my purpose, stage of life, feeling adequate.

It all started the first night of staff training. The full time was being introduced to the summer staff. My boss introduced himself and then talked about his wife and how great his two kids are. Then he introduced my manager and his sweet wife and their 5-month-year-old baby, Then single me was introduced, with no-one else, then another manager with his sweet wife and kids, and then another leadership person with his cute picture perfect wife. There was a total of 4 single people introduced; I wasn't the only one. But, being sandwiched around all these lovely families made me feel so pathetically single.

I am really embarrassed to be so old and single. I try never to talk about it with strangers or really with anyone at all because I like to pretend that I am not this pathetic single person that no-one wants to be with. Here I am, in a room full of college-age people and what I am most embarrassed about my life is on display. They all know. "Here's Becky, she has no one in her life, but don't worry, everyone else has picture perfect lives; she is the only pathetic one."

The next day, one of my co-workers told me she was pregnant. Which I am so happy for her! I truly am. But it kills me that this sweet girl with is 5 years younger than me has a perfect marriage, and now is pregnant. Another reminder that all these people younger than me are reaching all these goals you should have (marriage, babies, and cute holiday pictures of them with their spouse and kids) I am just following farther and farther behind.

This has hit me harder than I realized. I figured that I would be a rough day or two, but then I would just get over it. But instead, It has really really affected me. I don't know what I am doing. I don't feel like anyone understands what I feel. I feel no one understand the deepness of my embarrassment of my life stage gives me-- Even my single friends don't get it because I think they are so much much secure in who they are.
I have gone down this deep hole of feeling no worth in every area of my life. I feel like I have no life skills, no skills to offer at my job. Anyone can do what I do, why in the world haven't they fired me, the pathetic lonely girl who can't even do her job right, who can't do anything outside of her job because she doesn't have any life skills.

My manager on his 28th birthday said this when asked if he was okay turning 28, "I have a wife and a baby, my life is right where it should be at 28." This answer haunts me because I am two years past that and not even close to where society says I should be. To be where I think my life should be.

Everyone keeps talking about babies, anniversaries, basically anything good about having significant people in your life and I don't have any of that, and it kills me a little bit each more every day like I am getting gutted in this slow painful way.

Tonight in our staff chapel session. I had a major melt-down in worship. All these songs were saying that all we need is Jesus. That we don't need anything else in life, and though we are going through hard times, He is who we need to rely on.

I know that is true, but feeling like it isn't and how I'm falling apart because I am all alone in this world. Feeling like Jesus doesn't fill in the gap of the loneliness that I feel. I am okay being alone when I am alone by myself. Being surrounded by people who have their people and Jesus, and  I just have Jesus still feels dang lonely and depressing, and I don't know how to get myself to feel okay with it. I instead just feel like I am a failure at everything in my entire life.