Faking on How You Are Doing.

Do you ever get lost in your thoughts, and you really feel not okay, I spend a lot of time thinking about what I am struggling with, deciding if my feelings are real, making a plan of action to change the situation, and pondering if you are able to do that plan of action?

I am often get that way, I get sad, and angry. But when a person walks though that office door, I have this power to pull it all together. I put a big smile on my face, I become cheerful and happy. I always reply "I'm great!" when they ask me how I am doing. I do everything in my power to convince them that I am great, and I am here to help them with whatever they need. And I do feel great when I am with them. I make myself feel whatever I am telling them that I feel.
When they leave, I often feel the feelings I had before.
If I know the person who is asking me how I am doing-- like really know them, I do not have the power to fake it. I can say that "I'm great" but I can't hold back the tears and I can't camouflage it in my feelings in the tone of my voice. Even when the last thing in the world I want to do is be vulnerable, I can't do it. I can't cover up my feelings when a person I know and trusts asks me how I am doing.

I didn't know I could do this, until I had to do this.

I often have hard conversations with my boss and on Saturdays and will be in the midst of a break-down and a camper walks in the front door.  It can happen over and over and over again and almost always I have everything put together for their visit to the office. This baffles me! I don't know it happens!

I think this is a good thing. Not everyone needs to know what I am always thinking. I think it's good that I can pull it all together and help people even when my emotions are a mess. I think it is good that I can feel good and be okay in the moment that I am with them. I think it helps me see that my pity party isn't big of a deal and I am letting my emotions take over me.

And even when I don't like it, I think it is good that I can't hide my feelings. That I have to say the truth to people. It makes it so I don't get stuck behind this mask.