Ramble of my Loneliness Thoughts

Ham and I text/chat/talk pretty consistently throughout the day most days. But it has been over 24 hours since we last spoken a word to each other. Now I fully realize that this shouldn't bother me. We aren't anything, 24 hours isn't that long, we didn't plan on talking etc. I'm not anger by any means, but i missed it a lot today. I greatly enjoy talking to him all the time. We are nothing, which makes me incredibly insecure in the time frame of our fabulous connection. And I fear that I greatly hurt his feelings yesterday by not engaging in conversation when I think he really needed it.

 I really need to talk to him tonight. But, I think that is not a reality and I know that I shouldn't depend on him so much. I knew before and now especially after today there is no more question in my mind that his friendship matters most to me in our relationship. He reminds me that I'm normal, he lets me be transparent and real Becky when everyone else gets someone else. He treats me well, he not only let's me talk smack to him but encourages it. I laugh so hard around him. I feel safe-real. He challenges me and helps me to grow in knowing and being real with God. I have never had a relationship like this! Ham is so caring, and it really doesn't seem to be in selfish reasons. Just that The Lord has worked in him and now works through him to show this.

 Ham and I come from polar opposite upbringings, he has gone threw hell and had The Lord bring him back. He knows and experienced tsunami waves in life. Where my waves in life compared seem calmer than a pond on a windless day.

 I have a fear of what will happen if our life waves collide together. I have a fear that hams life will relapse into its old patterns. But in reality I know that I need to focus on the hear and now. On how to show ham love and respect in this season. How to be his friend or how to be more according to his leading. How to protect his lifestyle that he has chosen  that keeps him on the straight and narrow, and not lead him astray. 

I write all this, but I really meant this post to be all about complaining about my women's bible study tonight and how I feels so incredibly alone there being amongst ppl who just want to know me better and grow together in The Lord. But the conversation was all centered on childbirth, how to be a good wife and care for your husband in our current lives.  I am so sick of being surrounded by married ppl! I am so sick of feeling pressure date the few single guys here at camp, for only seeing strange singles in this world. This is way I need ham and wish so hardly that he was awake right now. I need a normal single person to remind me that where I am is okay, and that I can't and shouldn't feel snobbed by all the newlyweds in my life!

I know that, but it's so much easier to believe when it's spoken by someone who really gets it!! 

Yeah... You are right, I am a little emo tonight....