Had a pity party with tears writing this post

I'm having one of those nights where I know in need to blog, but really don't want to. I don't want to think about my feelings that I'm harboring inside. I don't want to process where I'm at and what I am doing. I just want to drown my night my watching reruns of sonny with a chance and to go to sleep. But alas, I am not. 

I really fear that my life at camp may have run it's very short course. I don't think my heart is pure in this. I don't think I know or can show love the way a true camp person should. I am not ready to walk away tomorrow. But I don't want to have a cheesy camp relationship, and I really want to be married. I think I really need to be in some kind of romantic relationship this year. 

I am really really jealous of ham and his number of close real friends. I don't want to necessary be the cool kid, but I want lots and lots of friends, who are in the same life stage as me, who I can date and hang out with. I don't know how to get that or maintain that where I am but I think that would change my life. 

Ham pretty much stopped talking to me. That sucks. I really really want to know why. If he is done with me then he needs to be done. If he's not, than I need to know. I feel like I need to have faith in some part of our relationship, and I have none. I don't even know if he will ever talk to me again. He comes from a messy background- but that's no excuse-- I want to know where I stand and let my heart align with that. I think I also know that he is blowing me off for E my college roommate-- which I am deep down not okay with. If you are going to go after some other girl, could you not make it one of my best friends from college??? 

That thought hurts and bothers me a lot, and I don't even know if it's true and I'm still bothered by the last conversation  E and i had.

 Me and E didn't talk for the longest time. I would call and call her, and our last conversation hurt me-- I don't know how to fix that or handle her talking to ham all the time. I feel kicked to the curb by both but can't justify that anger. Shit-- I was the one who wanted them together in college-- it was my dream to set them up, now I'm just in the way and they are both dealing with me by cutting me out of their lives. 

What a loser i am. How insignificant I am in this world. I wish these words were just my pity party and not my reality. I'm not close to anyone anymore. I live on a.pretty isolated mountain, all of my friends have really signicant ppl in there lives and very established. And here I am. Just floating-- and doing a crappy job at that. Camp is about changing lives- but I don't even care. I see the money side. I see the crap and drama behind the scene. I am not open or let The Lord work though me. Why am I even here if I have lost my passion?? Why don't I go to a place and renew who I am and figure out how to be the person I was meant to be. 

I am scared to leave here. I don't think I would make it. I don't know how to live on my own. I think I need a husband. I wish getting one, the person I can trust and love and do life with was right there-- I need my life to be on track-- I need to bring and have significance in this world- I need to change. And get all the sticks out of my butt. I'm a mess! I have had streams of tears roll out of my eyes writing this.

Man I'm in more of a worst place than I imaged. Though its good for me to start this process- I hate how hard it is!