All those sappy Christmas song ain't how I'm feeling this season

I have been very much reminded this past week that I do not want to be like my family. Very specifically, my dad.  I am having a REALLY hard time being here. And it's because I am surrounded by values and mindsets that I don't agree with nor want to be like. 

As you are at my parents physical house you can see it two ways. 

Way #1: a beautiful country house sat off the road with 2 residences and large workshop. The main house is filled with festive north woods items, and has a view of a lake from main level of the house. 

Way#2: out in the middle of nowhere, you will pull into a driveway with crap in the yard. Like a junkyard. There's a large shop surrounded by boat/truck pieces. In the house down the way. You will find some areas of nice laid out furniture and spaces, but also feel like you are in an episode of hoarders. Tiny TVs, that don't  all quite work right in the house, but thankfully have dish connected. You have to ask where everything came from because everything has a story attached. 

The reality of the second way of describing this house is sinking in. But when I'm away, and the longer i am away I remember it more like situation 1. 

I also do this when remembering what it is like being with my dad. I consistently remember him as being rough around the edges, and stuck in his ways. But i forget how those quirks effects me in strong ways. 

I really do not want my life to end up my my parents. You can twist their life to make it sound good. But in reality it is nothing that what I want it to be. Nor do I want the same values, bull headedness and viewpoint that he lives out. 

My dad is an "expert" in everything. And has a story for everything. And in listening to his expertize and stories, closely this week, i am reminded and see his core values come out.

--He is all about bullying, in his stories, the bullies are turned to be a good guy, a real "mans man" but they get whatever the hell the want by bullying. And not only  does he admire bullies, he bullies alot himself, and is dang proud of it. 

--He must have control of all situations and he is the expert. I have learned that you NEVER argue with the crap he says. You can't win, he is a bully, and has learned how to shut you down into an empty pit. Even if you have great logic or proof, he isn't open to hear, his need for control and bully tendencies makes it impossible.

-- as most bullies, once you pull away the tough shell, you have a really insecure guy. If anyone fights with him and they have the upper hand, or offend him in some way. They are blacklisted! Their name is now rubbed in the dirt. There can be no forgiveness. You are just done. It's sad.  And I think this makes it so my relationship with my parents is so fake. 

--I have kinda said this already, but my dad has this thing for menly men. And I typically see these men that he admires as so as huge jackasses! And, not only do these jackasses get gloried, normal nice men get torn to pieces. And [gasp] men who are from a real city, have no hope. They are forever the inferior being. If you work in business, make big bucks and support and spend time with your friends/family, but call a plumber to do a home repair--- you are a pansy of male race. Doesn't matter what you face and deal with in life. They are forever a pansy in my dads eyes. I think that is incredibly unfair. 

I knew coming into this time at my parents would eventually be hard. All Christmas memories of my adult life with them have tears and frustration and being miserable memories tied into them.  But this time, I have more of a clear head, and good stable adults that support me and love me that are daily in my life. And I am seeing that I carry more issues than I realize into the real world with me. That being raised in the house that I have paralyzed me in some areas of my life. 

I see this at work a lot. I need to have an opinion at work, and go with it. I rarely got to think for myself growing up. I got to make my own decisions. But before I made them-the big ones, I felt I needed my dads approval. He would help me out if I needed it in my battles (and always win, b/c I see now, he is a bully) I am now afraid to make any move without approval. There are other things as well. And I don't want to play the blame game here. That's not fair. But I think I need to keep looking and figuring out my issues and change them. Because in no way do I want to stop at any point in my life, look back and say"my life now looks like my upbringing"

so I have never wanted a guy I'm interested to ask my dad for my hand in marriage. The reason being is that I truly do not want him to approve of him, and that he is nothing like him. I DO NOT WANT to marry a jackass. And if that is what my parents look for as a good quality, I want them to disapprove big time. 

This in a way seem mean of me to publish, but I think it will be a start of my healing. So world, here you go... My first published personal issue discovery! 

Let the recovery began!